Many the Miles
by GreysAddict522
Summary: What if it hadn't started with sex? When MerDer first meet online, the connection is palpable. But when Derek moves to Seattle, will the realities of working together interfere? An alternate look at season 1 and beyond. AU for people that don't like AU.
1. Chapter 1

_"So, which West Coast city are you in again?" Derek asked curiously in their last phone conversation._

_"Um, Seattle," Meredith replied tentatively. _

_"Ah, Seattle. Ferry boats. I have a thing for ferry boats, you know." Even across thousands of miles, his charm was palpable._

_"Really?" was the depth of response Meredith could manage._

_"Yes, and as a matter of fact, I'll be in Seattle next week for work," Derek added._

_"Seattle, Seattle? Like, my Seattle?" Meredith stammered._

_"Um, I'm not familiar with Seattle, Seattle," he teased, "let me check my tickets…oh, sorry…I'm going to Seattle, Washington." His voice trailed off as he laughed. _

_She wondered if he could detect her blushing through the phone._

_"Meredith, would you like to meet up while I'm there?" he asked expectantly. _

_"I don't know," she mumbled. "Maybe we should keep this professional."_

_"Professional? So you've given your phone number to other neurosurgeons you've met online?"_

_"And what if I said that I did?" Meredith flirted._

_"I might become insanely jealous," Derek shot back._

_"Emerald City Bar. It's downtown. I can meet you there around eleven on Thursday. Does that work for you?" Meredith finally conceded. She could go and if he looked like a complete loser, she'd just make up some excuse and pretend she never made it. No real risk, she supposed._

_"Emerald City Bar. Thursday. Eleven," he repeated. It sounded like he was writing in the background. "I'll be the good-looking one in the red shirt."_

_"I'll be the judge of that," Meredith teased._

Meredith sighed as she recalled the last time she heard his voice. It had been almost a week – the longest they had gone without speaking since they initially met online at a neurosurgical discussion board. Meredith had been researching hemispherectomies, and Derek had slowly steered the conversation away from medicine and into a more personal realm. And because she was tired, lonely and temporarily giving up three-dimensional men, she let him.

But now he was going to become a real person with a last name and a face, and her stomach was tied in knots at the prospect. She'd already spent five months chatting, texting, writing, and calling, building him up to be the ideal embodiment of a man, and she wasn't sure she was ready to watch that fantasy come crashing down as she learned that the real life version was less than she imagined. She was starting to regret agreeing to meet him.

She pulled a black dress and heels out of her locker and began changing out of her scrubs. While her encounter with Derek wasn't scheduled for a few more hours, she did have other things to do. The chief had encouraged her to come to a reception being held for some presenters at the symposium the following day, and she couldn't exactly get out of it. Seattle Grace was hosting some of the foremost surgeons in the world for a series of presentations, and Meredith was certainly interested in what they had to say.

Still, the transition from scrubs to a dress was a challenging one, and Meredith struggled to finesse the zipper on the back, tangling her long hair in it in the process.

"Jesus, Mere, dress yourself much? Here," Cristina interrupted as she came into the locker room. She pushed Meredith's hair off to the side and slid the zipper the rest of the way up. "What's got you so dressed up?" she asked.

"Surgepalooza," Meredith responded. "Chief wants me to stop by the reception."

Cristina stuck her tongue out at Meredith, clearly jealous. "My shift doesn't end until after the reception. Have fun with that. Drinks later?"

"Um, maybe. I'll have to see," Meredith evaded.

"What? Expecting some hot doc to whisk you away?" Cristina teased.

Meredith spun around and stared at her nervously. She wondered what she had heard.

Cristina's eyes grew large with surprise. "Did I touch a nerve or something?"

"No. I'm fine," Meredith replied awkwardly. "Just, uncomfortable being dressed up and stuff…I, um, I might just want to go home and change rather than going to Joe's," she lied. "That's all I meant."

"Okay, well call me if you want to go," Cristina instructed before grabbing an apple out of her locker and heading back towards the door.

"Okay," Meredith agreed. Relief flooded over her as she realized that she had covered up her plans with Cristina. She wasn't ready to explain her online affair – certainly not yet and definitely not to Cristina.

Meredith finished brushing her hair and applied a little lip gloss before closing up her locker and heading towards the reception area. She couldn't say that she was terribly excited about going, but it sure beat watching the clock tick away the hours in anticipation of meeting Derek.

The private reception area was nicely decorated with white table cloths and trays of hors d'oeuvres. A man in a black tie and vest stood in the corner pouring glasses of white and red wines, and jazz music played softly in the background – a stark contrast from the beeping and pulsing of machines throughout the rest of the hospital. There was a good sized crowd present – close to 50 people – and within moments Meredith had scanned the room and located the chief standing in an area talking to a few men. She took a deep breath and started off in that direction, deciding that she may as well make her presence known to him so he knew she had listened to his suggestion and stopped by. Even if she decided not to stay, he needed to know that she was there.

"Good evening, Dr. Webber," Meredith interrupted politely as she stood behind the chief. Two of the men in the conversation moved off towards the food table, leaving Richard with an attractive younger man beside him.

"Ah, Dr. Grey, I'm so glad that you could join us," he smiled as he gazed upon the younger image of Ellis Grey. "Dr. Grey, meet Dr. Shepherd, one of the foremost neurosurgeons in the country."

Meredith's eyes caught the intense blue eyes of the stranger before her, and they didn't let her go as he reached for her hand.

"Please, just call me Derek," he spoke.

Meredith's heart began to race and her palm felt sweaty as she slipped her hand in his.

_I'll be the good-looking guy in the red shirt…_

"Derek?" she repeated, certain that she must have misunderstood him.

He flashed a swoon-worthy grin at her and nodded, expecting her to reveal her own first name.

"I'm, um, Meredith. Meredith Grey," she stammered. She heard the words coming out of her mouth, but she had no idea what she had said or if she even knew her own name anymore. This was too much of a coincidence.

Derek's eyes sparkled with recognition as she announced her full name, and he held onto her hand, shaking it a little longer than normal introductory protocol would dictate.

"Derek is going to be our keynote speaker tomorrow," Richard explained, completely oblivious to the sparks flying before him. "You could learn a lot from him, Dr. Grey."

"And I'd love to have the opportunity to teach you," Derek smiled mischievously.

"I'm sure," Meredith shot back, still in shock. She could feel heat spreading through her body, turning her cheeks a deep crimson that almost certainly matched Derek's shirt.

"If you'll excuse me, I see someone else that I need to talk to, but Derek – we'll continue this conversation later," the chief announced politely as he started off across the room towards another group of doctors.

"So, Meredith," Derek started as a smile spread across his lips and reached the outer corners of her eyes.

"Yeah," Meredith nodded awkwardly. She bit her lip and rolled onto her tip-toes nervously as she searched for something to say.

"I have to admit that I'm surprised to see you here," Derek confessed. "I expected that I would be suffering here at least three hours in a room full of old men before I got the reward of seeing you."

"You know, you could have mentioned that you were _speaking_ at this conference," Meredith argued.

"Would you have wanted me more if you knew that in advance?" he asked.

"Who says that I want you now?" she replied quickly, trying to diffuse the conversation before it went anywhere too awkward.

"You do. I'm irresistible," he commented arrogantly as he leaned towards her. A brief scent of his crisp aftershave radiated from his body and overwhelmed Meredith's senses, making her attraction to him build.

"You're pretty sure of yourself, aren't you?" she asked, trying to regain her composure.

Derek shrugged and raised his eyebrows suggestively. "I'm just sure that I'm glad I suggested we meet," he beamed. "What do you say we duck out of here early?"

Meredith flashed a lopsided grin at the suggestion. "I don't know…"

"C'mon, you've already been spotted by Richard. How many other people did you want to talk to here tonight?" Derek persuaded. He moved in closer, to a level that definitely violated her personal space and made it look like they were more than colleagues, but Meredith didn't bother to step back. If anything, she was tempted to push the boundaries and move in even closer.

"I guess we could go," Meredith whispered.

"Great!" Derek responded. He moved his hand to the small of her back, sending electric chills through her body as they walked towards the door. "Do you have a coat or anything?"

"Um, it's in the locker room, I think," Meredith recalled.

"Okay. Lead the way," Derek encouraged as he followed behind her.

Meredith walked through the corridor towards the elevator. The hallway was relatively empty for a Friday night, and she was relieved that they had some privacy as she tried to regroup herself. She pressed the button to go down to the second floor, and shifted nervously as the elevator made its way up to them. Derek continued to let his hand linger against the fabric of her dress, and the nearness of his body to hers made her pulse race.

"You know, you never mentioned how stunningly beautiful you are," Derek flirted. "I told you that _I_ was good-looking, but you never said anything about yourself." He leaned in closer to her, hovering so closely that she could feel his warm, moist breath against her skin, leaving goosebumps in its wake.

Meredith smiled uncomfortably, trying not to melt at the compliment.

The elevator doors opened, and Meredith broke away temporarily, moving into the empty steel cavern. Derek strolled in confidently beside her, his gaze completely fixed on her body. The feel of his eyes on her was enough to take her breath away, and she found herself having to remember to inhale and exhale – the actions weren't involuntary anymore.

_"So, when you're out on the prowl," Meredith started as she leaned against the pillows of her bed, the red sheets caressing her skin as she held the phone to her ear._

_"On the prowl?" Derek repeated mockingly._

_"You know…trying to pick up women and woo them with your charms…"_

_"Definitely lots of wooing. I'm good with the woo," he teased._

_"Would you let me finish my sentence?" Meredith pouted._

_"Of course. Fire away," he sighed amusedly. _

_"What attracts you to someone?" she inquired curiously._

_"I wish I could pinpoint something," Derek admitted. "It's just – a spark, something indescribable. I just know…which is probably not very helpful in answering your question…" he stammered._

_Meredith frowned, slightly disappointed that he couldn't give her more insight. "Have you experienced that a lot?" she wondered aloud._

_"No, actually. Only once or twice. It's just…there's a moment when I realize that I'm incredibly attracted to someone, and I can't stop thinking about her. It's like I'm living in a different atmosphere, and I need her to breathe. The world stops, and she's all I want."_

_"Sounds intense," Meredith responded. She twirled the long strands of hair around her finger longingly as she tried to imagine feeling that way about someone. _

_"Yeah, I guess it is," Derek replied. She could tell that he was smiling by the tone of his voice._

_They sat on the phone in temporary silence, both thinking the same thing, but neither ready to say it first. Finally Derek broke the silence._

_"What do you think would happen if we met? In person."_

_Meredith exhaled loudly, not realizing that she had been holding her breath. "I don't know," she avoided._

_"Do you think we'd have that connection? That spark?" he prodded._

_"Maybe."_

_"I wish we could find out. I definitely feel the emotional and intellectual connection," Derek confessed._

_Meredith closed her eyes, imagining what it would be like to meet him and have a physical dimension to their relationship. It was frustrating to feel completely strung out on his texts, emails, and phone calls and not have any tangible relationship to show for it. If she ever decided to start dating again, she feared that she'd be ruined for all other guys._

"Meredith, are you okay? You seem a little distracted," Derek asked, interrupting her thoughts. The elevator door closed in front of them, giving them complete privacy.

"Yeah, I'm fine, it's just…you're here," she murmured.

Derek turned towards her, bracing his hands against her arms gently and caressing soft circles of warmth up and down her bare skin. His eyes gazed on her longingly, as if they were asking a million questions but hoping for a single answer.

_Yes_.

After what seemed like years, Derek leaned in and kissed her, nipping softly at her lower lip to test her interest in his physical gesture. Her body relaxed and she wrapped her arms around his waist, pulling him towards her and inviting him to intensify his kiss. She spread her lips and felt his tongue press eagerly into her mouth, triggering a wave of sensation throughout her body. It was as if she were floating away into a world of complete bliss, and she never wanted to land. It was passionate, erotic, and personal, and when the elevator door announced their arrival and swung open, it was over.

Meredith stepped back, trying to catch her breath. Her skin was flushed and incredibly sensitive, and Derek smiled warmly, a combination of pleasure and surprise mixing in his features. He reached for her hand, as if he was unwilling to eliminate the physical contact between them as they started walking towards the locker room.

If this wasn't the indescribable spark Derek had alluded to, then Meredith wondered if she'd ever find it. This was certainly the most intense first meeting she had ever experienced, and she was secretly thankful that they were starting the evening together so much earlier than they had originally planned.

"So, this is the legendary Seattle Grace," Derek observed as he escorted Meredith through the corridor. More than a couple nurses craned their necks and arched their eyebrows at the mystery man accompanying Meredith Grey. If Cristina hadn't suspected anything before, she certainly would after the gossip trickled back to her in some discombobulated mess of facts and speculation.

"It is," Meredith replied awkwardly, the kiss in the elevator still rendering her relatively speechless.

"Do you like it here?" Derek inquired.

Meredith turned to look at him, trying to sense what kind of information he was looking for.

"I like it a lot, actually. The program is excellent, and I've met some wonderful people," she explained as she pushed her way into the locker room, relieved to find it empty.

Derek surveyed the surroundings as he followed Meredith to her locker. Posters and stickers littered the walls as if it was an extension of high school and not a serious realm for students practicing medicine.

"I hear that the locker rooms for residents and attendings are much nicer," Meredith interjected, reading his mind.

"No, this is fine. It has a certain charm about it," Derek replied.

Meredith withdrew her hand from Derek's to work the combination lock on her locker. She always wondered why she even bothered to have it. It wasn't as if she ever kept anything terribly valuable at work anyway, and right now, it seemed to be holding up her contact with Derek. She quickly yanked the steel door open and retrieved her coat and purse, draping each over her arm so she could close the locker again.

Derek smiled at her, perfectly reflecting her own feelings of giddiness. He took the coat from her arm and opened it up for her, guiding her arms through the sleeves and gently smoothing the fabric over her shoulders. The sensation of his fingers gliding over her body provided far more warmth than the dark blue trench coat. She spun towards him, hair flurrying behind her, and was surprised when he grabbed onto the ends of the belt, using them to pull her towards him. He tied the belt snugly against her waist, watching how the fabric hugged her slender curves. His line of sight trailed up her body burning a path of desire along the way before meeting her eyes. He silently slid his hand around the nape of her neck, lifting any stray hairs trapped below her collar.

She wondered if he could feel the hairs standing on end at his touch. She had never felt so entranced by anyone. If this continued, they'd never make it through the night without ending up in bed together…not that she had firmly decided that was a bad thing.

"Okay, you need to stop," Meredith asserted firmly.

Derek withdrew his hand, his expression dropping in disappointment. "Stop what?" he pouted.

"The looks," she huffed.

"What looks?" he replied, still confused.

"The looks like you're imagining me naked. In bed. With you."

Derek grinned guiltily.

"There will be no sex tonight. We just met, and you're apparently some hot shot neurosurgical god who is amazingly attractive, but there will be no sex. Not tonight," she insisted. She wondered if he could sense from the tone of her voice that her proclamation was more to convince herself.

"Whatever you say, Meredith," he replied. She detected that he was mocking her, but she couldn't confidently call him out on it. She couldn't confidently do much of anything right now.

"So, I was thinking we could head over to Joe's," she suggested, trying to change the subject as quickly as possible.

"Joe's?" Derek asked as he followed her back out into the hallway.

"Emerald City Bar. Joe is the owner. It's just across the street," she explained. "They have good food and darts and music."

"Sounds fine with me," Derek agreed.

The two walked side by side down the stairs to the lobby level of the hospital and through the main entrance. While they tried to remain casual as they walked, they invariably found themselves bumping into each other, as if there was some magnetic attraction drawing them closer and closer. By the third time that it happened, Derek simply laughed nervously and reached for her hand, rationalizing that they could steady each other.

Meredith showed no signs of resistance.

Joe's was moderately crowded, but Meredith managed to find a table near the bar. She quickly scanned the room for her friends and was relieved to see that they weren't there to witness her first date with her mystery man. Joe smiled and waved at Meredith, nodding in Derek's direction, and she quickly smiled back, appreciative of the encouragement. Meanwhile, Derek waited patiently beside her, oblivious to her telepathic conversation with the bartender.

"What can I get you to drink?" Derek asked as she removed her coat.

"Tequila," Meredith replied instinctively. "No, wait…just a water with lime," she concluded.

Derek tilted his head curiously at her, surprised by her request. "You're not going to drink?"

"No, we might drive somewhere later, and I want complete control of my faculties with you," she explained.

"Okay, one glass of water coming right up," Derek announced as he ambled toward the bar. Meredith watched as Derek reached the bar and struck up a conversation with Joe. She detected from their occasional glances in her direction that they were talking about her, but she couldn't quite make out what was being said.

Derek took two glasses from Joe and walked back towards her, meandering through the crowd. She quickly grabbed a couple peanuts to shell so it didn't look like she had been watching him the whole time.

"Your water," Derek said as he placed the tall glass in front of her and sat in the chair beside her.

"Thanks," she mumbled awkwardly. Whenever they were on the phone, Meredith felt like they could talk for hours. Now that he was inches away from her, she was at a complete loss for words. _Maybe it's a sign…_

"Did you have dinner already?" Derek asked as he looked at the menu of bar food at their table.

"Yeah, I had a bite at the hospital cafeteria before the reception," she answered as she swirled the ice cubes in her beverage with the long red straw.

Derek nodded and set the menu down. "Yeah, I guess I ate too. It wasn't anything terribly exciting…maybe we can get pizza or something later?"

"That sounds good," she agreed. She looked up from her glass and made eye contact with him, watching as an equally nervous smile stretched across his lips.

"This is weird isn't it," he admitted.

"A little," Meredith nodded.

"It's like it's our first date, but I already know you so well. I just can't get my bearings," Derek confessed.

"Me neither," Meredith sighed, relieved that he felt the same way.

"And we've already had our first kiss, so we know that the physical chemistry is there," he continued, swirling his scotch around the sides of his tumbler.

Meredith blushed. Saying they had physical chemistry was the understatement of the century. Now that they were together, she couldn't abate the conflicted feelings welling inside of her. On the one hand, she wanted to wrap her arms around him and ravage his body in what would certainly be mind-blowing sex. On the other hand, she didn't want a sample of something she couldn't keep. Derek would be back on a plane soon, and the goodbye would be difficult enough without sex thrown in the mix. Still, she couldn't help but entertain the possibility despite her protestations to the contrary.

Derek took a deep breath and reached for a couple peanuts of his own. His fingers worked nimbly at the shells, breaking them open and exhuming the contents in record time.

"So, how long have you been in Seattle?" he finally asked.

"Most of my life, actually. I grew up here, but I went as far away as possible for college, and I travelled a bit," she explained.

"Do you still have family here?" Derek prodded. She never really talked about her family in their previous conversations, a decision that wasn't unintentional. She just never felt comfortable bringing it up.

"Um, my mom is here still, but I don't really know my dad," she admitted.

Derek nodded, clearly deciding not to push the daddy issue. "Well, I'm sure your mom is happy to have you back in Seattle. And proud of your neurosurgical aspirations," he grinned supportively.

"You obviously don't know my mother," Meredith laughed uncomfortably.

He looked at her, surprised by the reaction.

"She was a surgeon as well, and she leaves some pretty big shoes to fill," Meredith admitted. She took a long swig of her water, watching Derek's reaction.

His expression glossed with confusion before brightening with realization. "Grey…Grey…_Ellis_ Grey?" he stammered.

"You got it," Meredith nodded.

"Wow, I can't believe I never made the connection that you are Ellis Grey's daughter. I met her once, you know," Derek confessed.

"How did that work out for you?" Meredith asked, terrified of the horror story potential of anyone's encounter with the unstoppable Ellis Grey.

Derek laughed. "I was younger and perhaps a bit too arrogant about my skills – eager to show off. She was quick to put me in my place," he recalled good-naturedly.

"That sounds like my mother," Meredith admitted.

"Huh. So what's it like to grow up the daughter of a legend?" Derek interrogated. He seemed genuinely curious.

"It's about as miserable as you might expect. And to get me to say more, I would clearly need to be drinking," she teased.

"I can fix that, you know," he grinned back.

"Maybe later," Meredith flirted.

They continued to banter and talk about places to go and things to do in Seattle while they finished their drinks. They had clearly managed to break through the awkward conversation phase of the evening, and before long they were laughing and joking like old friends. It was only ten o'clock, and the bar was starting to crowd with hospital workers finishing their shifts. Meredith and Derek concluded that they should move on and find somewhere else to go. Derek paid their tab and walked her back to the hospital parking lot.

"So where are you taking me next, Meredith? For all I know, you could be taking me back to your place to keep me hostage," Derek joked.

Meredith pointed out her car, unlocking the doors so they could get inside. "Just sit back and enjoy the ride, Derek, and I promise it will be worth it."

She turned out of the hospital parking lot, planning to take Derek to a place she visited often.

The ride was quiet. Derek sank back in his seat, staring out the window, lost in his thoughts. Meredith wondered if he was thinking the same thing she was. For once, the cosmos seemed to be rewarding Meredith Grey for her struggles.

Meredith turned into a parking lot and found an empty space. A sign for the Washington State Ferry hung overhead.

"We're here," Meredith announced as Derek continued staring out the window.

"You remembered," he sighed as he took in the sight of a gigantic ferryboat on the water. The salty sea air flooded his senses as he got out of the car and rushed to Meredith's side, helping her out of the car as well. He enveloped her in a hug, wrapping his strong, muscular arms around her thin frame.

"How could I forget? I don't know many people who have a thing for ferryboats," Meredith replied as she led him to the ticket counter and purchased two round trip tickets to Bainbridge Island.

The passenger deck was largely empty because it was so late on a weeknight. Most of the commuters had already gone home for the evening, and traffic to Bainbridge Island was particularly light at this time of night. It was a thirty-five minute ferry ride there, and they would only have a couple hours to stroll around the island, but she knew that it would be the perfect spot to continue their date.

Derek and Meredith strolled casually on the outside deck, hands intertwined as they talked. The night air was crisp and moist, but Meredith didn't even notice the goosebumps forming on her skin, and Derek was quick to draw her closer to him the moment he noticed.

"Do you want to go inside?" he offered as he blanketed her in his arms. Meredith had her back to him as they both stared out at the Seattle skyline, the wind blowing through her hair.

"I'm fine here for now, but maybe on the way back," she replied as she settled against his body.

Derek moved her hair off to one side, giving him complete access to the curve of her neck down to her collarbone. She felt her heart race as he leaned in and started a trail of moist, hot kisses under her earlobe, drawing her closer and closer to him.

_Yours. All. Yours._

She tilted her head to the side, easing his access to her extremely sensitive skin, and closed her eyes. "Derek," she murmured.

"I can't help myself," he grumbled hungrily. "It's…you're…_here_."

"I am."

"I can see you and taste you and touch you," he growled between kisses.

"It's pretty great, isn't it?" she moaned. She broke away and turned around to face him, her eyes heavy with desire. He couldn't be the only one to see and taste and touch. She smoothed her hands over his chest, flattening her palms against his pectoral muscles and imagining the warm skin beneath his shirt.

His hands drifted along her body, settling on her hips as he eliminated all space between them. Their eyes met, and immediately, instinctively, their lips meshed and tongues tangled passionately. Meredith felt as if fire was flooding her veins as she pushed against him, sandwiched between this familiar stranger and the cold, steel rails of the platform. A million people could have been watching them, and she wouldn't have stopped. She was completely lost in his world, and she had no inclination to leave.

Eventually Derek pulled away, tipping his forehead down to lean against hers. "We can't do this…now," he panted.

Meredith sighed in disappointment.

"I want to do this, believe me. It's just…we're on a ferry, and you turn me on so much. I just…I _really_ want to be alone with you," he explained.

"Okay," Meredith agreed. _Did I really say there would be no sex tonight? It's not really a first date. We know each other. And it's not like the first date restriction has stopped me before. And he's only in town for a short time…_Within moments she had rationalized exactly where the night was certain to lead.

The ferry docked at Bainbridge Island, and they casually strolled the nearby streets, settling on a coffee shop to pass the time until the last ferry back to Seattle.

"How would you compare New York and Seattle?" Meredith asked before Derek fed her a bite of his chocolate cheesecake. Her lips dragged against the fork, anxious to get every last morsel before Derek took the utensil away.

"No comparison, really. They're two totally different worlds," Derek responded quickly. "But if I must…"

"You must," Meredith teased.

"New York is obviously bigger and has a much larger nightlife – not that I'm at all complaining about our activities this evening," Derek quickly clarified.

"I hope not," she pouted as she washed down her dessert with hot coffee.

"Definitely not. This is amazing, Meredith. I never get to do things like this in New York – the city is so congested, opportunities for nights like this just don't exist."

"But you like the big city?" she prodded.

Derek shrugged. "There are some things I like about it. The night life and the proximity to my family are definitely upsides. But Manhattan wears on you after a while. And I'm more the outdoorsy type. I'd much rather live in a trailer on some tract of land with a lake and my fishing pole than fight traffic to my brownstone every night."

"Well, we certainly have plenty of greenery here in Seattle," Meredith responded.

"Are you trying to convince me to move out here?" he interrogated. He quirked a wry, reassuring smile in her direction as he waited for her answer.

Meredith blushed uncomfortably. She wanted to scream yes at the top of her lungs, but it was much too forward for her. She reminded herself to enjoy the time they had together, limited though it may be, and accept that there wouldn't be anything more.

Derek laughed at her reaction. She didn't need to say anything for him to know exactly what she was thinking.

"Have you ever been to New York?" Derek asked.

"I visited a few times when I was in college and med school. Weekends with friends mostly," she recalled.

"But did you have a tour guide as excellent as me?"

"Well, I've never taken the Derek Shepherd guided tour," she joked. "I can't really compare."

"You'll have to try it sometime," he grinned.

"I will," she promised.

The final ferry back to Seattle left at 12:55, and they rushed back to the dock just in time to make it. They found themselves practically alone on the boat once again, but this time, they opted for the comfort and warmth of the indoor seating area. They settled in together near a window. Derek wrapped his arm around her shoulders and gently kissed the top of her head, breathing her in. If they hadn't had the caffeine infusion at the coffee shop, Meredith was certain she would have fallen asleep, as warm and comfortable as she felt nestled against him. But she was wide awake, and she had no intention of wasting a single second of their time together.

"Where are you staying in Seattle?" she asked.

"Some Marriott near the hospital. Pretty standard boring lonely room," he answered.

"Aww, that sounds so sad," Meredith teased. She wondered if he was intentionally pointing out that it was lonely. She suspected he said it on purpose.

"It is. Poor Dr. Shepherd, hiding his secret pain alone at night," he mocked himself.

"Secret pain?"

"Not really," he laughed.

She smiled, finding herself suddenly nervous. "Do you want to come over to my place?" she whispered. "It's no Marriott, but I have a fireplace and we could…hang out, or something." _Jesus, Mere, are you fourteen? Did you seriously just ask him to hang out at your place?_

If Derek detected her awkward nervousness, he didn't let on. "I'd really like that," he answered.

"Yeah, me too," Meredith sighed.

The remainder of the ferry ride and the subsequent drive home went by quickly. Meredith was relieved to see that none of her roommates were home, or, if they were, they weren't awake. She wasn't prepared to explain this relationship yet, and she wanted to keep Derek entirely to herself as long as possible.

"You live here?" Derek asked as she parked the car and fumbled to take her keys out of the ignition. "On an intern's salary?"

"It was my mother's," Meredith explained. She opened her door and led the way to the front porch, their path illuminated by motion-sensing lights.

Derek looked at her with concern. "Does she…"

"Don't worry. She doesn't live here anymore. I have a few roommates, but it doesn't look like they're home either. They all work at the hospital," Meredith explained as she unlocked the front door and flipped on the foyer light.

"Got it," Derek nodded.

Meredith gave him a quick tour of the main level and left him to start the fireplace while she found some beer in the refrigerator. Now that she had decided to let him come over to her house, she decided to give up her alcohol prohibition.

"So, not only are you speaking at the symposium tomorrow, but you're the _keynote_ speaker?" Meredith questioned as she passed him a beer and settled on the floor next to him. While she always detected that he was brilliantly smart throughout their conversations, she didn't realize how highly regarded he was in the field. The symposium planning committee spent months choosing speakers, and selection for the keynote position was incredibly competitive. Meredith couldn't help but feel proud of Derek for being selected.

"Guilty as charged," Derek responded.

"What are you going to talk about?" she pressed, genuinely interested.

Derek held up his hands. "I'm not going to waste our time together tonight spouting off about brains when the only one I'm interested in right now is yours. If you want to know, you'll have to come and see me tomorrow."

"What time is your presentation at?" she inquired.

"It's later this morning…eight, I think," he mumbled.

"Derek, that's less than six hours from now," she pointed out, surprised at how unconcerned he seemed to be.

"So what are you saying? Do you want to call it a night?" Derek asked, his eyes falling with disappointment.

"No, I don't. But sleep…don't you think you should sleep?" Meredith prodded.

"I'll sleep afterwards," he replied coolly. "Have you ever been to one of these?"

Meredith shook her head no.

"You'll sleep too. Trust me," he teased. "Just not through mine," he quickly added.

"I haven't committed to going to yours yet," she pointed out.

"You're going. You wouldn't miss it," he replied confidently. He leaned forward and kissed her, using their chemistry to emphasize his point.

Meredith instantly melted like an ice cube held over a flame. There was no point in resisting him. She wrapped her arms around his broad shoulders and tangled her fingers in his hair.

"When do you have to go home?" Meredith asked sadly as she pulled away. She could feel herself becoming overly attached already. She was falling far too hard for this man, and she knew saying goodbye would be difficult.

"Trying to get rid of me already?" Derek pouted smugly.

"Quite the contrary," Meredith admitted in a moment of emotional weakness. "I just want to know how much time we have left together before you leave."

Derek smiled warmly, his eyes sparkling radiantly in the glow of the fireplace. "My flight is scheduled for Sunday afternoon," he admitted. "And I'm hoping to spend the rest of the weekend with you…if you don't mind…"

Meredith blushed. "That would be good," she replied as calmly as she could muster. "I'll need to trade a couple shifts to get the time off, but I think I can work something out."

Derek slid his arm around Meredith's waist, pulling her closer to him. His head nuzzled against her hair softly, and she heard him take a deep breath, savoring her scent. Everything about the evening had been far better than she had expected. Never in her late night post-phone call fantasies or intermittent email breaks did she expect their first encounter to be anything like this.

"If you need to spend some time at the hospital this weekend, I don't mind. I'd like to spend some time there, too," Derek murmured. His voice was low and gravelly, dripping with apprehensive desire.

"Why would you want to hang out there? Are you that much of a surgery junkie?" Meredith asked. She turned towards him to gauge his reaction. An expression of amusement radiated from her face.

"It will help me make an informed decision," he replied.

Meredith's brow furrowed with confusion. "Decision about what, exactly?"

"About moving to Seattle. Richard offered me a job as Chief of Neurosurgery," Derek confessed.

"What?" Meredith shrieked, pulling away from him.

Derek shrugged innocently. "I knew before I got here that I was getting the job offer. It's part of the reason I wanted to meet you – to see if there's any potential for us. I didn't want to say anything in case things didn't seem to work between us. But Meredith…" his voice trailed off into a whisper. "Tonight, with you…it's been amazing. I know we just met, but I feel like I've known you…forever. And I'd really like to give this a try – to move our relationship away from the online world and into one where I can see and touch you…"

Meredith relaxed back towards him. She wanted that too.

"Wow, Derek…This is…a lot…" she stammered. Her head was spinning at the possibilities.

"I know. It _is_ a lot. Richard has made an incredibly persuasive offer, and I probably would have seriously considered it even if things didn't go well between us. But I have to admit, Richard holds nothing over you," he reassured.

"So you'll be moving to Seattle?" she voiced in shock.

"Yeah," he replied, his voice brimming with excitement.

"And you'll be Chief of Neuro…you'll be my boss, Derek," she realized.

"Well, only at work," he teased. He leaned in and kissed her neck, knowing there was no chance she'd resist.

"But…you…" she floundered, unable to form a coherent thought with him so close to her, kissing her.

"I'll explain it to Richard. It will be fine," he soothed as he slid the strap of her dress off her shoulder and ran his thumb against her soft skin.

"Okay," she breathed as his lips trailed along her collarbone and towards her sternum before dipping into the valley between her breasts. There was nothing she could say or do to resist him, and she knew with absolute certainty that she didn't want to anyway.

Derek's fingers located the zipper on her dress and carefully slid it lower, exposing the lacy black bra beneath as the dress started to fall towards her hips. Meredith closed her eyes and inhaled deeply, her heart racing in her chest.

"Are you sure about the no sex tonight policy?" he inquired. The coarse stubble on his jaw grazed her newly revealed skin, tickling her sensitive nerve endings.

"I'm not sure of anything right now," she murmured as she ran her fingers through his curls. "But I'm not saying no. I'm definitely not saying no."

"Good," he whispered. "Neither am I." He paused to grab a couple pillows from the couch and placed them down on the floor for Meredith to lean back onto. She reached for his shirt and started fiddling with the buttons, slowed by the fact that her eyes were entranced by his and not focused on the task her hands were working to complete. There was something luring her to his gaze, and it wasn't just the reflection from the flames in the fireplace.

Once his shirt was unbuttoned, Derek quickly removed it and threw it onto the couch. Meredith slid her dress off the remainder of the way and did the same. Her skin was flushed and warm, but the heat showed no signs of dissipating as Derek slid his hands around her body to work on unfastening her bra, drawing her closer in the process. She could smell the musky scent of his aftershave, and his skin was starting to glisten with sweat. Her lips nuzzled against his neck while her hands glided along his muscular back. Eventually he managed to slide her bra off each shoulder and toss the lacy black garment aside. He practically growled in delight at the sight of her naked torso, and she lazily leaned back against the pile of pillows, anxiously anticipating his further exploration of her body.

He cupped her breasts in his hands, drawing her nipples into hardened peaks with his tongue and mouth. She squirmed beneath him as the sensation rippled lower through her body, and her fingernails resumed grazing his back only to discover that his hips and waist were just out of reach. Her eyes rolled back in her head, and she bit her lower lip, trying to stifle the longing moans from escaping.

Derek continued to drag his tongue lower, kissing a trail towards her navel and then lower still. She arched her back and splayed her legs further apart, inviting him to touch and taste and tease, but he chose to carefully circumvent her black panties and kiss along her inner thigh instead. She reached for the cushions under her head and balled the corners in her fists in an effort to resist touching herself. She was getting so worked up that she expected any touch of her wet sex could trigger instant orgasm.

Derek's hands slid along her hips, gripping the elastic of her panties. Rather than pull them off, however, he started kissing her through the garment, gently nudging her oversensitive nub through the fabric in a way that left her begging him to go further. He soon pulled away and accommodated, leaving her completely naked before him.

He wordlessly resumed kissing her, trailing circles between her clitoris and vagina with his tongue. She writhed against the carpet in ecstasy, longing for so much more than his tongue to dip inside her. He eventually settled into suckling her clit, and carefully slid two fingers inside her, building a rhythm that almost instantly sent her spiraling into orbit. Her hips bucked against him, and delighted whimpers escaped her lips before her body relaxed from its frenzy.

Derek pulled away and grinned with masculine pride. "I'm not done with you yet," he whispered.

"Good," she managed back as she sat up and helped him undo the pants that he was visibly straining against. She slid her hands beneath the waistband of his pants and boxers, easing them down his thighs and allowing his cock to spring out from the confines of his clothing. Her eyes grew wide with lust at the sight of him, and she quickly enveloped his shaft in her hands, circling its wet tip with her tongue. She watched as Derek located his wallet and withdrew a condom. He tore at the wrapper and pulled out a green condom. She quickly took it from him and helped him roll it on, falling back in shock when it began to glow.

"Glow in the Dark condoms? Seriously?" she gasped.

He smiled impishly at her. "Just one more thing to make the experience memorable," he teased.

Meredith laughed. "It's just…"

"What?" he said, only slightly defensive as he lowered her back down onto the pillows and nudged her legs apart.

"Is there a light saber in your pocket or are you happy to see me?" she giggled uncontrollably.

"You better watch it or I'll pull you to the Dark Side," he chuckled back. Their eyes locked once again and Meredith's fit of laughter subsided. She bit her lower lip in anticipation as he hovered over her, and she found herself completely mesmerized by his deep blue eyes.

Derek gently gripped Meredith's hips and tilted her up as he slid inside of her, both gasping at the tight fit. It had been months since Meredith had been with anyone like this, and she felt herself involuntarily contracting around him, creating whole new levels of friction. His hands moved under her shoulders, pulling her down towards him as he kissed her neck and established a slowly building rhythm that let her feel every inch of him pushing in and slipping out.

"Oh god, I want to do this for hours," Derek grumbled, barely audible.

Meredith smiled, knowing full well that they'd be doing this several more times over the span of the weekend. She met his mouth with hers and began rocking her hips against him, intensifying the pace in the process. Within moments they couldn't control themselves any longer. Both climaxed amidst a flurry of excited moans and movements before Derek collapsed on top of her small frame. The weight of his body pinning her to the floor left her almost as breathless as the orgasm before it.

"Wow. That was…" she started.

"Yeah," he grinned as he cut her off. He rolled off of her, suddenly aware of his propensity to crush her, and basked in the flickering glow of the fireplace.

Meredith watched in awe as the shadows danced along his chest, tangling in the dark tufts of hair that cascaded along his sternum and feathered out around his stomach. She turned on her side and propped her head on her hand, unable to resist the temptation of running her fingers along his body.

"Well, I feel as though your no sex rule was successful," Derek teased as he intercepted her hand and drew it up to his mouth.

"Absolutely," Meredith murmured as she snuggled against him. "I think I'll have to extend that rule for the rest of the weekend."

Derek laughed. "You'll have to give me a few minutes to recover, at least. I've been out of commission a while."

"Out of commission? Really?" Meredith reacted.

Derek forced an awkward smile and exhaled. "Yeah, I haven't been with anyone in months."

"How long?" she pried. Ordinarily she wouldn't have forced a conversation like this on the heels of having sex, but she was genuinely curious. She didn't suspect that Derek Shepherd was someone who lacked opportunities.

"How long have we been in communication?" he asked.

Meredith shrugged. "Four months, maybe."

"Well, then it's been about six or seven," Derek replied. "And you?"

"Something like that," she replied vaguely. Although she had given up on men several months ago, she had no interest in creating the possibility for discussion of her string of one night stands leading up to that decision.

Derek smiled warmly and kissed her cheek before sitting up and searching for his underwear. "Can you point me towards the bathroom?" he asked as he snagged his boxers from the arm of the chair and stood up. The glow in the dark condom still glowed slightly against him, and Meredith once again fought to suppress a giggle.

"Through the kitchen, second door on the right."

"Thanks," Derek answered politely as he quickly followed her directions.

Meredith reached for the mauve chenille afghan on the back of the couch and wrapped it around her as she got up and wandered towards the kitchen for a glass of water. She found a clean glass inside the dishwasher, and walked over to the refrigerator to use the ice and water dispenser, carefully listening the whole time for signs that Derek would be on his way back to her. Within seconds she heard the bathroom door open and his footsteps through the hall, heading towards the kitchen.

"Hi," she said shyly as she leaned against the cold door of the refrigerator.

The sound of her voice apparently startled him as he jumped back slightly before smiling at her. "Hi," he answered, and he changed direction to walk towards her rather than return to the living room.

She offered him the glass of water, and he took a small sip, never taking his eyes off her in the process.

"It's after three," Meredith observed as she read the digital clock on the microwave. "What do you want to do?"

"Well," Derek sighed, "there's no real point in sleeping since I have to be back up so soon."

Meredith bit down on her lower lip, quelling her excitement that they wouldn't be ending their evening together yet.

"I'm going to need to go back to my hotel at some point to change. Maybe we could go back there now, catch a movie on pay-per-view…"

"What kind of movie?" Meredith challenged. She let the afghan slide down off her shoulders so that it barely covered her breasts.

"Any one you want," he stammered. She watched as the pace of his breathing escalated slightly and his skin flushed.

"I'll need some clothes," Meredith whispered, dropping the blanket to the floor.

"Yeah," he agreed half-heartedly.

She leaned forward and met his mouth with hers. Her body pressed against him firmly, and she could feel him becoming aroused again beneath his boxers.

"My clothes are upstairs in my bedroom," she murmured as she pulled away. She could feel his heavy, moist breaths against her face as she continued to hover close. "Do you want to come upstairs and help me find something to wear?"

"You lead, and I'll follow," he replied. His voice quivered with longing, and she answered with another passionate kiss before taking his hand and guiding him upstairs.


	2. Chapter 2

**Author's Note: Thanks for all of the feedback on this so far! This fic started out as a shorter one-shot and then just…grew. And I'm a little in love with rewriting history right now. I don't know how many parts this will end up being overall, but you can expect SEVERAL more parts after this. I hope you enjoy!**

**------------------------**

"Meredith," a masculine voice called quietly, luring her out of sleep. She smacked her lips together a couple times and swallowed, trying to eliminate the dry, pasty texture from her mouth.

"Meredith," the voice persisted, "we need to head out soon. You need to wake up."

Her eyes fluttered open, slowly adapting to the onslaught of natural light, and the hazy figure calling her name came into focus. _Derek._

"I fell asleep," she finally mumbled. She had tried her best to stay awake through the movie at his hotel, but after the third time they'd had sex last night, there was no chance she could stay awake. He had completely exhausted her.

"I noticed," Derek smirked as he stood up and knotted his tie. "You seemed pretty tired."

"Did you sleep any?" Meredith asked as she sat up and stretched. She bunched the blankets around her torso when she realized she was still naked.

"Nah, I just finished the movie and got up. I also ordered breakfast. There are waffles with strawberries and scrambled eggs if you want some." He gestured towards the spread by the window before heading back into the bathroom to finish getting ready.

"Thanks," Meredith replied. She found her clothes scattered around the hotel room floor and quickly dressed before eating.

"I don't suppose you have any eye drops," Derek requested as he walked back out of the bathroom. He found his suit coat hanging in the closet and swung it over his arms.

"No, but the gift shop at the hospital might have some," Meredith answered between hungry bites. "Or we could stop somewhere on the way."

"Okay," Derek agreed. He sat in the chair across from her at the small table and took a sip of steaming black coffee.

Even after a long, sleepless night he looked amazing. Meredith suspected that he had probably developed insane stamina over the years from the many long hours as a neurosurgeon. Meredith was nowhere near that level yet, and she doubted she ever would be. She liked sleeping too much.

"Are you supposed to have a shift today?" he asked as she finished off the remaining waffle and moved on to the scrambled eggs.

"No, I was given the day off to attend the symposium," Meredith responded.

"Convenient," he mused.

Meredith nodded, "particularly since I'll be too tired to actually attend."

"I can give you the highlights later. I've heard most of these guys speak before, and they don't update much between these conferences. You'll get all of the benefits of sounding like you were there without any of the pain of experiencing it," Derek reassured.

Meredith smiled, finding his arrogance a little sexy. She'd decide how well-deserved it was after hearing his presentation.

"And how will I solve the visibility issue? People I work with will be there, Derek. They're expecting to see me," she argued. She felt like she was back in high school being persuaded to cut class with her boyfriend of the week.

"We'll make some cameos," he promised. "I'm supposed to be there, too. Speaking of which…" Derek glanced down at his watch and winced. "Mere…"

"We need to go?" she asked before shoving an oversized bite into her mouth.

"Yeah, I can't really be late for this," he half-apologized. He gathered up a few papers from the desk and threw them into a black leather satchel. He suddenly seemed more tense and serious than the flirty man Meredith had spent the night with.

"I understand. We can go," she said as she stood up from the table and slid on her tennis shoes. Her hair was in complete disarray, and she hadn't thought to pack a toothbrush, so her prep time to head out the door was virtually zero.

Derek grabbed her hand and squeezed gratefully as she tried to walk by him towards the door. "Mere," he started.

"Yeah?" she answered, surprised by the gesture.

"I'm glad you're going to be there this morning. Really," he confessed.

For the faintest moment, Meredith sensed that the overconfident, incredibly attractive neurosurgeon she was completely enamored with might just be nervous.

"Of course. I wouldn't miss it," she assured him, squeezing his hand back as she grabbed her keys off the night stand and led him towards the door.

----------------------------

"Okay, two things that I need your help with this morning," Derek stated seriously as they approached the sliding glass doors of the main entrance off the employee lot.

"Yes?" Meredith answered.

"I need you to point me to the gift shop for those eye drops, and I need to find a coffee stand," he directed coolly. It was a simple request, but there was something about his forceful expression and confidence that reminded Meredith of the reality soon facing them: she was an intern, and he was going to be the chief of neurosurgery. He was her superior, and the moment they stepped inside the hospital walls, she needed to get used to taking orders from him.

"The gift shop is through the corridor to the right, and the coffee stand is in the middle of the lobby, beneath the bridge. Do you want me to get you something? I was going to swing by there," she offered. Her pace slowed as she waited for his answer, but Derek continued walking, suddenly on a mission.

After what seemed like far too long, he noticed that she wasn't walking beside him any longer. Derek spun around without stopping his forward momentum, shouted "Coffee – black – largest they've got," and continued down the corridor.

"Right," Meredith mumbled under her breath. Last night they were having hot, passionate sex, and today she was getting his coffee. She dug around in her purse for her wallet, and walked up to the line of doctors and visitors needing an early morning caffeine infusion.

_He's probably just stressed about speaking on so little sleep. Cut him some slack, Mere…You won't be his permanent coffee bitch…_

Meredith shifted uncomfortably as the line made a steady march forward. She wasn't sure if he was going to swing back through to pick up the coffee, or if she'd need to deliver it to him. She hoped it would be the former; she didn't want to search for him.

Within a few minutes, Meredith exited the line with a large coffee and a large mocha latte in hand. Not only would she need caffeine this morning, but she thought a good injection of sugar would also fuel her through the presentations. She ambled through the lobby back towards the elevators, determined to loiter there a couple minutes before heading off to locate Derek. She scanned the lobby for him, but much to her dismay, his was not the familiar face she encountered.

"Rough night?" Cristina remarked as she approached.

Meredith leaned back against a square pillar just wide enough to brace her whole body. Her heart started to race from adrenaline, not caffeine, as she prepared for an encounter she was not ready for. "Just didn't get much sleep," Meredith mumbled, doing her best to be dismissive.

"Wild and crazy night at the reception?" Cristina interrogated.

"Nothing special," Meredith lied. She could feel Cristina studying her every move, and she inadvertently winced under the scrutiny.

Cristina's eyebrow arched. "Two coffees?"

"Do you want one?" Meredith offered, jutting Derek's coffee in front of her. It was the only way she could imagine getting out of spilling all of her secrets.

"You got it for me?" Cristina expressed skeptically.

"I felt bad for not calling you last night. Black, right? You like your coffee black?" Meredith smiled awkwardly. She could get Derek another cup, but she could not explain her relationship with Derek to Cristina. Not yet. Cristina would have too many questions, and Meredith would have nowhere near enough answers.

"Thanks," Cristina shrugged as she took the cup from Meredith's outstretched hand. She popped off the lid and started gulping it down like it was a tequila shot rather than a steaming hot beverage.

Meredith sighed with relief – crisis averted – as she spotted Derek walking towards her. Her eyes grew large, and she shook her head from side to side, sending her best _do not approach_ glance in his direction while Cristina continued chugging the coffee.

Derek paused and stared, his brow pinching in annoyance. He held his hands out as if to say "_What the hell? What happened to my coffee?_"

Meredith mouthed "sorry" while making hand gestures that caused a bit of mocha to spill on her shirt. The hot latte soaking into her tee caused her to jump, and she quickly tried to wipe it away. By the time she looked back up, Derek was standing in line for the coffee stand, and Cristina was tossing her empty cup into a nearby trashcan.

"Are you going to the presentations this morning?" Cristina asked as she eyed the large stain that, as usual, seemed to appear from nowhere on her best friend.

"Yeah, I was going to change into scrubs and head down. You?" Meredith answered as she moved towards the elevator and pushed the up button.

"I want to check out a couple sessions. The keynote speaker is supposed to be some New York hotshot that the chief is trying to recruit," Cristina shared as they stepped into the elevator.

Meredith nodded. _I've heard that rumor too…_

"And I hear he's pretty hot," Cristina added.

Meredith nearly choked on her swig of coffee, and she felt blood pool towards her cheeks. Less than twelve hours ago, she'd been making out with him in this very elevator. Now her best friend was setting traps for her left and right to spill everything. _Cristina must have heard something last night. She must already know…_

"I guess we'll find out soon, huh?" Meredith grumbled.

Cristina smirked, clearly amused by Meredith's discomfort. "Yeah, I guess so," she remarked dryly.

The elevator stopped, and they set out for the locker room. Several interns lingered inside – all assigned to attend the symposium unless given specific alternative duties – and Meredith's friends seemed to fit in the former category as they stood by their lockers chatting.

"So who was the guy, Grey?" Alex immediately pressed without bothering with the formalities of saying hello.

"Alex! I told you not to say anything!" Izzie snapped. "I told him not to say anything, Mere. Who you sleep with is totally your business, although it did sound like you were having some pretty amazing sex last night. And I know it's been a while since you brought a guy home," she observed.

Cristina turned towards Meredith, eyes glaring accusatorily.

"You were home last night?" Meredith stammered.

"Yeah, I got home around ten and went straight to bed," Izzie answered.

"But I didn't see your car…"

"It's in the shop. Alex dropped me off," Izzie explained.

"So who was the guy?" Alex resumed his interrogation.

"He's…no one. Just some guy I met last night. It was nothing," Meredith remarked as quickly as she could. She tried to act casual as she returned to her locker and fidgeted with the lock, but she was feeling shockingly transparent at the moment. In fact, if she ever got her locker open, she would have to seriously think about crawling inside and closing the door.

"It didn't sound like nothing," Izzie commented. "Either time."

Cristina snorted. "No wonder you couldn't sleep last night. Did you meet him at the reception? Is it another doctor?"

Meredith rolled her eyes and tapped her head against her locker door in frustration. "Can we not have this conversation? It was nothing. Seriously. I met someone last night, we flirted, we had sex, end of story, and now I need to get ready to sit in the auditorium all day." She jerked her locker open angrily and withdrew her scrubs. She was certain that this performance was more convincing than her previous ones, probably because she was genuinely irritated that she didn't have the space to work out some sort of explanation for her relationship with Derek. As long as they backed off and stopped questioning her, she could figure something out.

Meredith stomped off to a bathroom stall to change in relative privacy, distressed by how complicated everything suddenly felt. Yesterday, when it had just been her and Derek alone, life suddenly seemed wonderful and perfect. She had felt completely at ease with him and their blossoming relationship, and she was thrilled by the prospect that he was considering a move to Seattle. Now that she was back in the hospital, however, she was starting to realize how challenging that scenario would truly be. Not only would he be her boss, but he would be her friends' boss. And Bailey's boss. And even if he came forward to the chief about their relationship, how would it look for the new chief of neurosurgery to be dating an intern? One that he met online, nonetheless. Meredith frowned as she considered the possibilities.

But last night had been perfect. She'd never felt that sort of connection with anyone, and she wasn't ready to give that up. They'd have to reach some sort of agreement. Maybe they could keep their relationship low key for a while until he'd firmly established himself at Seattle Grace and she had moved further through the program. Then they could be together. It was worth considering.

Meredith finished changing and pulled her hair back into a messy ponytail to keep it away from her face. She gathered her clothes and returned to her locker.

"Izzie and Alex went to get snacks, but I thought I'd wait for you to head down," Cristina informed her. Cristina leaned against the lockers with her arms crossed and her foot tapping impatiently, as if waiting for Meredith was more of a chore than a friendly gesture.

"Thanks," Meredith responded flatly. "I think I'm ready to go," she said as she grabbed a notepad and pen out of her locker. She wasn't sure if she'd be using it to take notes or pass notes during the presentations, but she figured it would be useful to have handy. Her half-consumed, slightly cold mocha still sat on the bench so she decided to take that too.

"So are you going to give me any details?" Cristina badgered as they walked towards the stairwell.

"I thought we weren't exchanging details about our sex lives these days," Meredith countered as she pushed open the door and started down the stairs at a quick pace. She hated talking in stairwells. The sounds always seemed to echo much louder than she liked, and she never could be sure that she had privacy there.

"That's because you haven't had any information to exchange in so long, but that doesn't mean I'm not interested. It must have been good if you went back for seconds," Cristina observed. She had no problem keeping pace with Meredith. If anything, Meredith thought that Cristina was slowing down for her.

Meredith hit the platform for the second floor where the auditorium was located and paused before opening the door. A sly smile spread across her lips as she considered Cristina's comment. "Thirds, actually. I went back for thirds, so yeah, it was pretty good," she revealed. She whipped the door open and bounced through the corridor energetically without taking the time to witness Cristina's reaction. She probably would have kept this pace into the auditorium if there hadn't been a crowd of people standing in line to file in, blocking her route in the process.

She slowed to a halt and waited for her friend to join her side.

"So which one is he?" Cristina asked casually as she craned her neck to survey the crowd shuffling inside.

Meredith rolled her eyes. "Cristina…"

"You know I'm going to find out eventually," Cristina admonished, spinning her head quickly to give Meredith a condescending stare.

"You get no more information from me. None," Meredith responded, waving her hands in dismissal.

Cristina grumbled something that faintly sounded like "That's what you think," and the two made their way through the auditorium door to begin the hunt for seats. A quick survey of the crowd revealed that they had arrived before Alex or Izzie, so Cristina steered them to a row of vacant, highly visible seats so they could wave down their friends later on. Meredith followed, cringing over the fact that she wouldn't be able to blend in with the crowd as easily with Cristina's seating choice, but she took the seat anyway. She suspected that Derek would scan the crowd until he found her no matter where she sat.

Cristina settled into her seat while Meredith stared back at the door to watch for Izzie, Alex, and George. Anything so Meredith wouldn't have to meet her friend's persistent gaze that watched for any possible crack in her armor. She soon sensed that Cristina wasn't the only one staring at her, however. Derek was strolling in casually through the auditorium door, coffee cup in hand, eyes fixed on Meredith, and a sexy smile spreading across his lips. For a brief moment, she completely forgot about Cristina and found herself smiling back at him. He continued down the aisle and stopped at their seats, making Meredith's heart nearly stop in the process.

"See? I knew you wouldn't miss this," he teased. Even though Cristina was sitting on the aisle seat, he completely overlooked her as he focused all of his attention on Meredith. It was as if they were transported back to their own private world, and nothing could distract them.

"What can I say?" Meredith flirted back. She playfully crinkled her nose at him, triggering a smile that nearly melted her to the plastic seat cushion.

"Richard wants me to tour the hospital and go through some paperwork after my presentation this morning, so I don't exactly know what my schedule will be like just yet," he informed her. He shrugged apologetically as he said it, doing his best to convey that it was equally disappointing for him.

"I understand," Meredith nodded.

"Maybe you can be my tour guide?" Derek suggested. He waggled his eyebrows mischievously, causing Meredith to blush like a schoolgirl talking to her first crush. She was just about to agree when the sound of Cristina coughing obnoxiously brought her back to reality.

Meredith looked at her friend, slightly shocked as she realized this hadn't been a private conversation at all. _So much for not giving Cristina any more information._ She sat up straight and cleared her throat, suddenly serious. "That would be fine, Dr. Shepherd. Just let me know." She bit her lower lip nervously and clasped her hands together in her lap, trying to hold down the pit of anxiety forming in her stomach. She really hadn't planned for anyone to find out about them yet.

Derek's brow furrowed in confusion, revealing the deep concentration lines in his forehead, but he didn't press the subject any further. He nodded slowly and continued down towards the stage, mumbling something about needing to get going before he abruptly left.

Meredith waited for the floor to give way and swallow her up. She actually prayed for it to happen, but no divine intervention actually swooped in to save her from Cristina.

"Shepherd's the triathlete?" Cristina gasped as soon as Derek had moved beyond earshot.

Meredith turned seriously towards her friend and spoke in a sharp whisper. "Cristina, if you breathe a word about this to anyone – _anyone_ – I swear…"

Cristina laughed, still somewhat disbelieving. "I have to admit, I'm impressed. You get that he's one of the top neurosurgeons on this planet, not to mention the chief's Golden Child, right?"

"It's complicated," Meredith retorted. "I need some time to figure this out." She massaged her temples with her index and middle fingers, uncertain which was worse – her exhaustion from far too little sleep or Cristina's ongoing Gestapo imitation.

"Sure thing, Mere," Cristina chuckled. "Have fun playing tour guide today. Something tells me that you'll be giving more than a one hour tour."

Meredith rolled her eyes and sank back in her chair. She didn't even bother to move as Izzie, Alex, and George filed past her and distributed bags of M&Ms and Cheetos to her and Cristina. The only thing that spurred any action from her fatigued body was the sensation of her cell phone vibrating in her pocket. She carefully withdrew the device and stared at the LCD screen to see one new text message.

_I hope I didn't make you uncomfortable. I'm glad you're here._

Meredith put the phone back in her pocket and looked up towards the stage. Derek sat off to the side waiting for the symposium to start, and he was staring straight at her. She smiled reassuringly back and vaguely detected a wink in response.

If having Cristina and friends badger her about her affair with Derek Shepherd was the worst of her problems, she was up for the challenge.


	3. Chapter 3

If Meredith hadn't been there herself to witness Derek staying up all night, no one could have convinced her that he was sleep deprived in anyway. He stood comfortably at the podium, oozing natural charisma as he churned through computer-aided graphics about the recent advances in neurosurgical procedure and the importance of using teaching hospitals as a pioneer ground. He had just the right amount of energy and humor to keep the audience completely engaged, and while Meredith wanted to pay attention to every word, her thoughts continued to drift back to the first time she'd heard his voice.

_"Hi, is this Meredith?"__a__ masculine voice greeted her as she answered her cell phone. He sounded slightly nervous, but she was certain she knew who it was without needing any formal introduction. She had included her phone number in her last email to Derek two hours ago, and now he was using it._

_"Yeah.__ Derek?" she replied just as awkwardly._

_"Yeah."__ She could almost hear him smiling in relief on the other end. "I was just reading the last email you sent me, and I noticed this series of ten digits after your sign off."_

_"My phone number?" she played along._

_"I figured it was either that or some hotline for internet addiction that you were referring me to, so I called to see which it was."_

_"Well, you got me," Meredith giggled._

_"What a relief," he sighed. "So where are you right now?"_

_"I'm home. My shift ended about an hour ago," she answered as she closed her bedroom door and kicked off her shoes. __"You?"_

_"Still at work.__ In my office," he responded flatly._

_"Do you have to work late tonight?" she prompted. She settled onto her bed and piled up the pillows behind her back so she could lean into them. _

_"Yeah, I don't think I'm going to go home tonight," he answered._

_"Surgeries?"_

_"No, just…stuff. I'm going to try to get caught up on some paperwork and writing," he explained. He sounded a little distant, as though he wasn't sure how to proceed._

_"And calling me," she added._

_"Yeah, and calling you. You're my much needed break," he voiced sincerely._

_"Anytime," she offered. "Glad to help."_

_"Think of it as mutual," he replied._

_Meredith hugged a pillow to her chest and fidgeted with the red satin seam of the pillowcase. __"How so?"_

_"Well, you clearly wanted to talk to me, too, if you gave me your number. I figure you must have been so enamored with my charm and intelligence that you couldn't resist," he teased._

_Meredith released a sound that was half giggle and half snort but entirely infectious as he laughed back._

_"It's fine. I don't care your reasons. It's just nice to talk to someone," Derek explained as the laughter dissipated._

_"You sound lonely," Meredith acknowledged._

_"Maybe just a little," he confided._

_"Yeah, me too," she thought to herself._

_They proceeded to spend the next three hours on the phone together, but even as it approached eleven o'clock in Seattle and two a.m. in New York, Meredith hadn't wanted to hang up the phone. She could have talked for several more hours, and eventually did over the following days and weeks. They'd talked every day on the phone, sometimes for a few minutes here and there throughout the day, other times for marathon phone conversations that lasted well into the night. The sound of his voice had become an addiction for her that far surpassed any draw Jose __Cuervo__ could hold. _

The sight of a folded piece of paper dropping into her lap brought Meredith out of her daydreams. She quickly unfolded it and read Cristina's scrawled note.

_Why him? I thought no more guys for a while._

Meredith shot her friend an annoyed look before uncapping her pen and writing back. _Complicated._ She passed the note back to her friend.

_A pick-up last night is not that complicated,_ Cristina immediately pressed.

Meredith quietly drummed her pen against her thigh as she considered how to respond. _I've known him for a while_, she confessed. Cristina was watching over her shoulder as she wrote it, so she didn't even need to pass it back.

Cristina's eyebrows arched, conveying her skepticism. "How long?" she mouthed.

_Few months_, Meredith wrote back.

Cristina grabbed the paper from Meredith and crumpled it loudly.

Derek looked over in their direction at the distraction and stammered for a moment but recovered quickly.

Meredith sank a bit lower in her chair and folded her arms around her chest. _I'm so not ready for this, am I?_ she thought. _He's moving here and he's going to be my boss and…too much…too fast…_

Derek's speech ended a few minutes later and was met with thunderous applause. The chief announced a ten minute break, and everyone stood to move or stretch or refill coffee, Meredith's friends included.

"Holy shit, that was fairly bad ass," Izzie raved. "He really knew what he was talking about."

Meredith nodded apathetically.

"You're not excited? He's a neuro person, Mere. He could be _your_ neuro person if he comes to Seattle Grace," Izzie continued.

Cristina choked back her laughter and coughed. "I bet he could teach you all sorts of things, Meredith. You two, working so closely several hours a day…"

Meredith considered strangling her friend, but the sight of the chief waving her up to the stage proved a sufficient distraction.

"Excuse me," Meredith huffed as she passed by Cristina and made her way up to the front of the auditorium where Derek and the chief were chatting. Her heart fluttered slightly when she noticed Derek smiling at her as she approached.

"Did you need something, Chief?" she said politely, not exactly acknowledging Derek's presence.

"Meredith, I introduced you to Dr. Shepherd last night, didn't I?" Richard spoke.

"Yeah," Meredith smiled. "It was nice to meet you, Dr. Shepherd. I enjoyed your presentation this morning," she said for the chief's benefit. Derek subtly winked at her, and she could feel her cheeks redden.

"Well, this hasn't been formally announced yet, but Dr. Shepherd will be joining Seattle Grace as our new chief of neurosurgery, and since you two will be together so much, I thought you'd be an excellent person to help Dr. Shepherd acclimate himself to our hospital," Richard explained.

Meredith's eyebrows arched. _Did he just say because we'll be together so much?_

Derek quickly chimed in, as if reading her thoughts. "Richard tells me that you're particularly interested in neuro, so I suspect we'll be working together a lot." He smiled warmly, allaying any hopes or fears that he'd already broken the news of their relationship to Dr. Webber.

"Oh, sure. Of course," Meredith stammered. She was certain that her skin was the color of cranberries as she navigated the conversation.

"So could you help show Derek around today? I would do it myself, but I need to stay here to introduce some of the other speakers and make sure things go smoothly," Richard requested.

"I'd be happy to help, sir," she responded. She shifted nervously and slid her hands into her pockets, suddenly very unsure of herself. When it had just been her and Derek, she felt confident and in control. But the minute other people were introduced into the equation, the scales of self-assurance tipped decidedly in Derek's favor.

"Excellent, Grey. Derek, I'll catch up with you later so we can go through all of the formalities." Richard nodded to dismiss them and quickly moved onto another cluster of doctors gathered nearby.

"So…" Meredith started awkwardly as she rolled up onto her tiptoes and back down to her heels. She felt like a child waiting anxiously for a parent to take her hand and help her cross the street.

The corner of Derek's mouth crooked slightly as he slung his satchel across his shoulder. "See? I told you. Totally painless."

"Listening to your presentation? Uh, yeah, it was really good," Meredith appeased even though she had barely listened to the content.

Derek laughed. "I was actually talking about convincing Richard to make you my tour guide, but I'm glad you liked the speech." He crossed one leg in front of the other and leaned slightly against the auditorium stage.

"Oh," Meredith mumbled uncomfortably. She started fumbling with the ID card clipped to her right hip, unable to make eye contact.

"Hey," Derek nudged, elbowing her playfully. "Are you okay?"

"Sure, just…tired, maybe," she lied. She was actually feeling relatively awake, all things considered, but she felt the curious stares of four sets of eyes beating down on her as she talked to the latest Seattle Grace celebrity.

Derek nodded and lifted his hand up to his head, rustling his dark locks. He suddenly seemed almost as uncomfortable as she did.

"Well, you lead me out of here, and I'll make sure that you get enough rest to enjoy the rest of our weekend together," Derek suggested.

Meredith looked up at him shyly, slightly reassured by the reminder of the weekend ahead. "Okay, let's go," she conceded. There was nothing she wanted more than to retreat into some secret space and return to being Meredith and Derek rather than Dr. Grey, intern, and Dr. Shepherd, chief of neurosurgery. It was a dynamic she clearly felt unprepared for, and she doubted she would find the clarity she needed standing in a room of their peers.

She walked slowly up the aisle, navigating around groups of doctors and fellow interns, and trying unsuccessfully to dodge the continued glances of Alex, Cristina, George, and Izzie.

"Meredith!" Izzie finally called as Meredith neared their aisle.

Meredith drew in a deep breath as she stopped. She wondered if Cristina had put Izzie up to something. "Yeah, Izzie?"

Derek paused directly behind Meredith, teetering just inside her personal bubble in a way that made Meredith's hair stand on end at his closeness but couldn't give any onlooker conclusive proof of their relationship.

Izzie raised an eyebrow as if she was waiting for Meredith to introduce Derek or explain where she was going, but Meredith didn't move an inch. The realization that Derek was hovering just inches behind her left her virtually paralyzed, particularly in this spotlight of attention.

"Ah, Dr. Grey," Derek rescued, "are these the other interns you work with?"

"Yeah," Meredith said as she exhaled breath she didn't even realize she'd been holding. "Let me introduce you. Izzie Stevens, Cristina Yang, Alex Karev, and George O'Malley."

"Excellent to meet all of you," Derek said as he shook their hands in turn. His blue eyes sparkled warmly, and Meredith detected the faintest blush cross Izzie's cheeks in the process. "I'm joining the staff of Seattle Grace, so I'm sure that I'll be seeing much more of you guys."

"You're coming to Seattle? That's done?" Cristina interrogated in a tone far less friendly then the one Derek had used.

"Basically," he nodded. "I'm signing papers today."

Cristina let out a barely audible grunt, causing Meredith to shift impatiently. She watched as Derek's brow furrowed and his head tilted slightly, as if he was trying to see Cristina from a different angle and make sense of her antagonism.

"Well, welcome to Seattle, Dr. Shepherd. If you need any help finding anything here…" Izzie interjected, cutting tension she hadn't even detected.

"Thank you," Derek nodded politely. "Dr. Grey and I were just on our way out to start my guided tour, but I'm sure we'll catch up with you later." He placed his hand on Meredith's back, nudging her forward towards the exit.

Meredith nearly jumped as she felt his warm skin pressed against the layers of fabric from her scrubs and long-sleeved white tee. She knew that the contact probably seemed casual enough to her friends, but part of her wondered if Derek was intentionally touching her in front of them like some alpha dog marking his territory. She mumbled "bye" to her friends and practically sprinted up to the exit with Derek following closely behind.

"What was that?" she growled as she led him into an empty stairwell and faced him. She could still feel the void left from his touch, and a swirl of conflicting emotions barreled through her as she found herself momentarily alone with him.

"I was just about to ask you the same thing. Those are your friends?" Derek questioned.

"Most days. Derek, you can't do that," she ordered.

"Do _what_?" he said with an almost mocking tone.

"The hovering, touching thing. Not here. Not with the work-boss-thing…"

Derek took a step forward, cornering her beneath a flight of steps. "If I'm supposed to be your boss, then why are you so bossy?" he asked. A sly smile spread across his lips.

Meredith huffed. "I'm not bossy…"

Derek slid his hand over her hip and met her lips with his. Any determination she had going into this argument quickly melted away. She felt her shoulders relax, and she leaned back against the wall, tilting her head to the side so his kisses could trail along her jaw and neck. Her hand reached out to his chest, grabbing his silk necktie in her clenched fist while she fought the competing urges to hold him close or push him away.

"So what were you saying?" Derek murmured between kisses.

She drew his mouth back to hers, mashing against the coarse stubble that framed his lips. Their tongues collided against one another, and she felt his teeth gently tug against her lower lip as they pulled apart, only to resume the cycle all over again.

The thud of someone's feet plodding down the stairs broke Meredith from her reverie, and she quickly shoved Derek away. Her face was flushed and her lips were swollen, so hiding all of the evidence would be impossible, but she certainly wasn't about to get caught in the act.

Derek took a couple of deep breaths in an effort to calm himself down, and Meredith stood in front of him, bracing herself for the stranger about to turn the corner on the flight of steps and head toward them.

_Miranda Bailey._

Meredith gulped at the recognition of her resident. Even though Miranda was nothing close to a physical powerhouse, no one else had the power to make Meredith feel like a child in need of a good scolding. This moment, loitering in the stairwell with an attractive older doctor, was no exception.

"Dr. Grey," Miranda acknowledged curtly as she came down the steps. Her eyebrows were arched in almost permanent disapproval, and a series of charts were gripped to her body as her weight shifted back and forth with each descending step.

"Dr. Bailey," Meredith mustered as she gripped the railing and pulled herself up a couple of stairs. If she looked like she was heading up, she would certainly seem less conspicuous. Her and Derek both.

Her heart thudded in her chest, not yet recovered from the arousal of Derek's touch before feeling the fear of Bailey's interruption. She slowed as Bailey brushed past her, expecting some condescending comment or jab along the way, but Bailey continued on without so much as an acknowledgment of Derek's presence.

As the stairwell door closed behind the resident doctor, Meredith breathed an audible sigh of relief.

"Do you want to move out of the stairwell?" Derek asked as he passed Meredith on the steps.

"Yes. Definitely," Meredith answered.

"Okay, well, let's start the tour," Derek said with little enthusiasm. He marched up the stairs to the landing and opened the door for Meredith to pass by him. A hint of his cologne wafted by her as she entered the mostly vacant corridor. She wanted to lean back in towards his Adam's apple to breathe in more of the scent, but the sounds of the nearby nurse's station and a cacophony of scattered televisions provided the reality check she needed. They were in the hospital now. There couldn't be any sniffing or nuzzling no matter how much she wanted it.

He was going to be her boss.

"So, this wing is mostly patient rooms. The nurse's station is—" Meredith started.

Derek took a couple steps forward and stopped. "What's this room?" he asked as he pointed towards a door clearly labeled _On-Call Room_.

"It's…Derek!" she stammered. The gleam in his deep blue eyes conveyed his suggestion perfectly. She cleared her throat and continued walking. "As I was saying…"

The click of a door behind her informed her that she was now talking to herself. Derek had slipped inside the on-call room, and he seemed to expect her to follow. She rolled her eyes and took a deep breath. This was going to be far more complicated than she expected.

"Derek," she asserted authoritatively as she slid into the room and locked the door behind her. "We can't just go slipping into on-call rooms."

"Why not? I'm tired. I didn't get any sleep last night, and I seem to remember you having something to do with that," he pouted as he dropped his bag on the floor and started loosening his tie.

"So you just came in here to take a nap?" Meredith asked skeptically.

Derek chuckled as he removed his jacket and tie. It was a question he obviously didn't need to answer. They both knew the probable agenda.

When Meredith didn't join in his laughter or move towards him, his smile faded. "What's up with you today? Have I said or done something to upset you?" Derek asked.

Meredith shrugged, unable to articulate everything that had knotted her insides over the situation.

Derek slipped off his shoes and sat on the bed, slowly unbuttoning his shirt. He patted the bed, suggesting that she sit next to him on the bottom bunk, before withdrawing his arms from the sleeves of his shirt and tossing it onto a nearby chair. He was still wearing a snug white tee shirt that clung to the contours of his biceps and pectoral muscles – features largely masked by his suit.

Meredith slowly walked across the room and sank onto the bed. The mattress creaked slightly with the addition of her weight, and even though she tried to sit a few inches away from him, she could feel his body heat radiating towards her, luring her closer.

"You're clearly upset about something," Derek observed. He reached over and rested his hand on her thigh in a move that was more reassuring than sexual.

Meredith sighed, and pulled her hair out of its ponytail. The long honey-colored locks flowed around her shoulders, and she combed her fingers through the strands. With the hair shrouding her face, she could obscure her expression better.

Not that that would help. Their long distance relationship meant that yesterday was the first time he had ever matched her facial expressions with her voice, and he had learned to read her mood months ago.

_"What's wrong?" he asked Meredith at the end of a particularly rough shift. She had just walked into her bedroom and wanted nothing more than to curl up in bed and never get back out. She had even thought about sending his call to voicemail, but it stood as the only potential bright spot in her last twenty-four hours._

_"Nothing.__ I'm fine. How was your day?" she lied._

_Derek hesitated. "You're fine?" _

_Meredith took a deep breath, clearly exasperated with the question. __"Yup.__ I'm fine."_

_"You're not a very good liar," Derek asserted._

_"What makes you think that I'm lying?" Meredith challenged._

_"Well, you kind of have this clipped, dismissive tone to your voice. And you're breathing—"_

_"My breathing?"_

_"We talk on the phone several hours a week. You don't think that I notice your breathing?" _

_Meredith turned her head away from the phone and groaned into a pillow._

_"I heard that, too, Meredith," Derek teased. "So you can't get out of telling me about your day."_

_"Fine."__ She took a long, angry pause. "I lost two patients today," she confessed. _

Meredith crossed her arms in front of her body as reality slowly hit her. He already knew her too well to let her shelve the conversation.

"How is this going to work exactly?" she finally asked. "One minute we're alone and can't keep our hands off each other, and the next we have to pretend that we barely know each other?"

Derek clasped his hands together in his lap and hunched forward. "I don't know. Today's been a little…surreal."

"How so?" Meredith challenged.

"You mean aside from the sleep-deficiency induced hallucinations of gnomes during my presentation?"

Meredith couldn't resist laughing, and Derek smiled victoriously back. "You did not see gnomes. You're making that up." She leaned into him playfully. He was back to being the Derek that had won her over months before they'd even met in person.

"Maybe I am," he mumbled. "But I can tell that this is really bothering you today."

"Last night, when it was just the two of us, it was so easy. But now…"

"Now you don't know how to tell your friends that you're dating the new attending," he finished flatly.

"It's not something that I can just be like, 'oh, by the way, this is the new neuro chief who's not only a brilliant surgeon but a great fuck, too.'" Meredith defended. "This is going to take some time and thought and explaining, and here, with you, alone, I can't think of how to explain this."

Derek turned towards her and moved her hand out of her hair to stop her from fidgeting with the long wisps. "So don't," he urged. "Don't explain anything yet. Let's just continue our weekend together, and we can figure out the rest of it later. No one needs to know about our relationship until you're ready to talk about it." He slid his hand through her hair and kissed her forehead tenderly, as if to settle the conversation.

"But _we_ need to talk about this, Derek. _We_ need to figure out how our relationship will work at the hospital," Meredith insisted as she pulled away from him. She felt like every time a puzzle piece fit together, several more pieces fell apart.

"What is there to talk about? We'll work on cases and surgeries together until you're good enough to handle them on your own. We'll see each other all the time, and maybe occasionally we can sneak off to an on-call room together," he smirked. He resumed kissing her cheek, drawing her close to him as he made his way toward her earlobe and down towards her neck.

"You think it can be that easy?" Meredith asked as she closed her eyes and gave into the way his lips and tongue tenderly glided over her skin. She desperately wanted to believe that it would be easy, and she was willing to force down the kernel of doubt if he said so.

"I do," he whispered. "We'll be fine." He wrapped his arms around her and eased her onto the bed so they were lying together.

"Okay," she conceded, kicking off her shoes. She was too tired to resist, and she didn't want to fight anyway. She didn't want to waste these quiet moments when she could shut out the rest of the world and simply be alone with the one man who seemed to understand her better than anyone.

They finished undressing each other, flinging pants and shirts and scrubs around the room between kisses that started out lazy and grew more frenzied with desire as new skin revealed itself for exploration. The challenges of their relationship became a distant memory as they united in bed, and as Meredith drifted to sleep in Derek's arms in post-orgasmic bliss, she felt more comfortable and fearless than ever.


	4. Chapter 4

Meredith woke to the sensation of Derek's lips pressed against her shoulder. They were both completely naked beneath the dull white sheets, spooned together on the narrow confines of the on-call room lower bunk that was clearly not intended for two people, especially not for Meredith and Derek, intern and attending. 

"What time is it?" Meredith asked as she pushed those thoughts from her mind. 

"Almost one," Derek answered. He dragged his thumb along her bicep like he was playing connect the dots with her freckles. 

"Did you sleep okay?" she wondered aloud as she snuggled against him. Waking up in the arms of a man was a fairly new experience for her. In the months leading up to meeting Derek, she always managed to chase her one night stands out the door long before sleep could even become an issue. 

"Yeah, power naps are always good," he replied. His voice was low and gravelly, almost hoarse. 

"I'm surprised you woke up already," Meredith admitted. She rolled onto her back so she was looking up at him as he lay on his side. 

"Still have lots to do today," he explained. He dragged his hand from her collarbone down to the channel between her breasts before fanning his fingers out against her stomach. 

"I see. Well, if you want, I can leave you alone, and we can meet back up later on. I could come to your hotel—"

"What are you talking about?" Derek interrupted. 

Meredith blinked back confusion and tried to figure out her role in his plans for the day. She'd already failed miserably in her effort to give Derek a tour of the facilities, and she didn't know how much longer she could pretend to be tasked with that. 

"All of the things I need to take care of today involve you in some capacity. Take lunch, for example. I would like to have a non-hospital-cafeteria-food lunch with you somewhere," he suggested. "How does that sound?"

Meredith took a deep breath and relaxed. "I think that sounds great," she admitted. There was nothing she wanted more than to get out of the hospital with him. At least if she was on the outside, she could convince herself not to think or worry about the issues facing them. Inside the hospital walls, they wouldn't leave her mind. 

"Excellent," Derek agreed. He leaned in to kiss her. His hand drifted off her stomach and more towards her hip as he pulled her close to him. 

She could feel her body react in an increasingly familiar way to his touch. It always started with breathing that felt shallower as her heart raced. Then it moved to her mouth which tingled against the pressure of his lips and tongue tasting her. Within moments of that connection, she felt like every inch of her body was an erogenous zone waiting to be touched by him. Her legs would spread apart slightly, involuntarily, and her back arched as she leaned into him, closing any gaps of space between their warm bodies. She loved the way that their bodies meshed together with a pull that seemed more magnetic than anything she had ever experienced. 

"This wasn't your plan for lunch, was it?" Meredith asked as she broke away momentarily.

Derek's eyes sparkled, only to be dulled by the sound of his cell phone vibrating on the floor. "Dammit," he grumbled as he reached over Meredith to grab the phone. "It's Richard," he announced before answering.

Meredith sank back into her pillows, practically holding her breath so she couldn't be heard in the background. She listened carefully to both sides of the conversation as Chief Webber's voice came muted and slightly garbled through Derek's phone. It was a quick conversation, and Derek seemed disappointed as he closed his phone and tossed it back to the floor.

"What's up?" Meredith asked, pretending not to know that their afternoon plans would be changing somewhat.

"Richard wants me to sign all of the papers now," Derek explained as he pushed her hair away from both sides of her head. He was practically lying on top of her, but she could feel the sense of arousal diminishing between them. 

"You should do that," Meredith confirmed. Her body tensed as she thought about the whole arrangement, and she couldn't make up her mind whether she wanted to push him away as fast as possible or hold him close and force him to linger in bed with her a while longer. 

"I don't think it will take long," Derek explained. "Maybe we can still do the lunch thing?" 

"Sure," Meredith agreed casually, like it was no big deal even though she was beyond anxious to get him out of the hospital. 

"Where can I find you when I'm done?" 

"Umm…I might go grab a snack and hang out in the caf—just call me," she replied. 

"Okay," Derek answered, kissing her lightly as he rolled out of bed and started pulling on clothes.

"Oh, and I need one more thing," he announced as he quickly buttoned his shirt.

"What's that?" Meredith asked as she sat up. She held the sheet over her torso to mask her nakedness.

"I need you to show me where the Chief's office is," he grinned.

Meredith laughed and nodded before starting to get dressed herself.

--------------------

"You call that lunch?" Cristina remarked as she sat across from her best friend in the corner of the cafeteria.

Meredith took another bite of her apple and answered. "Snack, not lunch."

"I don't get it. There was pizza and French fries up—"

"Those were not French fries. Did you actually look at those?" she interrupted. 

"Okay, but I'm just saying, you snacking in the cafeteria is a little bit suspect. Where's Shepherd?" Cristina responded.

"Signing papers," Meredith replied as nonchalantly as she could manage. 

"To be our new boss?" 

"Yes," Meredith confirmed. The apple in front of her was suddenly the most interesting object she had ever laid eyes on, particularly when the alternative was meeting Cristina's judgmental gaze.

"To be _your_ boss?"

"You implied that when you said '_our_'," Meredith retorted, unable to mask her irritation.

"Meredith…"

"What do you want me to say?" Meredith answered more defensively than she had intended.

"Well, how it is that you came to sleep with him for starters. And how is it that you've known him for a few months without mentioning it to me?" Cristina interrogated.

Meredith slouched back in her seat. This was exactly what she was hoping to avoid, or at least delay, for a while longer. Weeks maybe. Or months. Definitely months.

"We talked online a few times," Meredith mumbled.

"I'm sorry, I thought you just said that you met him online," Cristina pressed.

"Okay, you win! Yes, I met him online. It started out as professional correspondence, it became more flirty, and now he's moving to Seattle to be my boss. And I'm doing a good enough job freaking out about that without you getting all…all…judgy! Could you just be my person for a few minutes? Please? 

Because I am seriously freaked out," Meredith gushed. She felt a tremendous sense of relief at revealing it all to Cristina, but it also made her feel vulnerable now that her secret was out. She looked to her friend to see if she could get the reassurance she so desperately needed.

Cristina nodded thoughtfully. "You're freaked out," she started slowly, pausing between words to search for the message to follow. "Ignoring the whole boss thing…you like him?" 

Meredith huffed, "Yeah, I think so." _Just a slight understatement, really…_

"And you're sleeping with him," Cristina observed. It was no longer a question.

"As of this weekend, yes," Meredith confirmed.

"Well, you have three options…"

Meredith raised her eyebrows and stared at her best friend as if she was a fortune teller ready to unearth Meredith's future through a crystal ball. 

"You can end it, you can come out about it, or you can hide it."

Meredith groaned. "That's the best you can think of?" None of the options sounded particularly appealing for where she was at. 

Cristina shrugged. Somehow even that came across as condescending to Meredith.

"I can't be the intern that sleeps with the attending. I'm not that person," Meredith said, mostly to herself. 

"But?" Cristina pushed.

"But…should I dump him? Is that weird to dump your boss? You shouldn't do that, right?" 

"Well, assuming that you've already crossed the line to date your boss, which you have—"

"But he wasn't my boss at the time," Meredith interjected.

"Did you sleep with him before or after you found out he was coming to Seattle?" Cristina shot back.

Meredith thought about it. It wasn't exactly a cut and dry question. She technically knew that he would be her boss before she slept with him, but she had made up her mind to do it before he divulged that piece of information.

"Right," Cristina continued, "it's not weird for you to dump him given the new context of your job, and he really can't question it without risking harassment issues that I'm sure he'd like to avoid."

"Yeah," Meredith half-heartedly agreed. "I'll end it. I need to end it. This situation can't work."

Cristina nodded slowly. It was clear from her expression that she wasn't sure whether she should believe Meredith or not. Meredith wasn't sure if she could be believed or not, either.

"Heads up, here's your chance," Cristina announced nodding in the direction of the cafeteria entrance.

Meredith turned just in time to meet Derek's searching gaze. He smiled and started his confident stroll towards their cafeteria corner, meandering around tables and doctors.

"Crap," Meredith mumbled.

"Dr. Grey, Dr. Yang," Derek addressed them politely as he sank into a vacant chair at their table. "Dr. Grey, I wanted to thank you for being so helpful at showing me around this morning."

"Stop. Cristina knows," Meredith said, waving her open palm dismissively through the air in front of him. 

His brow furrowed in confusion, and he was temporarily rendered speechless. _What does she know exactly?_ his eyes seemed to read.

"She knows that we're…we 've…you…me…" Meredith stammered. It was suddenly incredibly difficult to explain the very easy concept that she'd had sex with Derek. Several times. Several amazing times. 

"Ah," Derek answered. He sank back in his chair and pushed his hand through his hair, feathering the little patch of gray through his fingers while Cristina watched smugly. "So you want to tell people?" Derek asked as he tried to make sense of the situation he innocently stumbled into. 

"I just told Cristina. I haven't told anyone else. But we should talk," Meredith explained.

"And I should get back to work," Cristina announced, dismissing herself from the table as she gathered her tray and trash. She sent Meredith a clear _call me later_ glance before leaving them alone together.

Derek visibly relaxed as Cristina moved away from them, and Meredith felt slightly guilty about springing that news – and her best friend – on him like that.

"I'm sorry, we really should talk about this," Meredith apologized. She looked over at him and started seeing the first signs of the day that he was actually feeling fatigued. His eyes looked darker than before, and the growth of stubble along his jawline appeared thicker than she'd previously noticed.

"I can't talk on an empty stomach, and you promised me a non-hospital lunch," Derek asserted.

"I did, didn't I," Meredith murmured. She could already feel her determination plummeting in his presence. She wrapped a napkin around her apple core and gathered the books she'd been reading before Cristina arrived. 

Derek reached over and intercepted the thick texts from her, letting his hand briefly brush against hers in the process. 

"You did. Why don't you go change out of your scrubs and meet me in the lobby in ten minutes?" he suggested as he stood up from his chair and nestled her books under his arm. 

"You're done here for the day?" Meredith asked as she got up from her chair. 

"I am. I'm all yours for the rest of the day," he confirmed. Despite the dark circles of exhaustion, his eyes still managed to sparkle when he smiled. 

"Alright, I'll change," Meredith agreed. She paused briefly to smile back at him, trying to mask the pain of her heart nearly breaking in two at the prospect of having to end the relationship, even if just for a little while. She would try to let him down easy about it all. 

Meredith walked briskly out of the cafeteria and took the stairs two at a time up to the locker room. She knew that they needed to talk and figure things out, but she also knew that the conversation would be much more productive outside of the hospital. If she could just get out of the milky white corridors that smelled like antiseptic, she could clear her thoughts and coherently articulate the reasons this seemed like a bad idea. In a different world, maybe, they would be in an amazing relationship. Or later in her residency, even. But not now with him starting his new job and her amidst her internship. It wouldn't look right for either of them. And outside the hospital, she could explain that in a way that would allow them to be amazing friends. Maybe even flirty friends. She had no intention of losing his friendship, and as for the sex…they'd work something out. 

Meredith changed quickly into jeans and a tee shirt and sprinted back to the lobby. She could see him sitting in a chair flipping through her _Neurology and Clinical Neuroscience _textbook waiting for her. Her pace slowed as she neared the final flight of steps down to him, and all of the resolve seemed to be evaporating from her body. 

_All mine for the rest of the day…_

His hair spiked in several directions, never quite fully recovered after the late morning nap, and his bag was heaped on the floor by his feet. His legs were outstretched in front of him, crossed at the ankles, and he was completely oblivious to her standing and watching him. 

Maybe they didn't need to end this just yet. She didn't want to ruin his weekend.

She took the remaining steps down and stood in front of him, waiting for him to look up.

"I think that book is a bit basic for you," she commented.

Derek laughed and closed it quickly. "It's good to know what my students should have learned already. You better watch out, I might quiz you later," he teased back as he stood up.

"So I'm your student now?" Meredith bristled.

"No. For the next several hours—couple days, actually—I'm hoping you're my date," he answered. He leaned in close to her, almost clamoring to touch or kiss her, but he settled for a playful nudge. 

"I think I can handle that," Meredith flirted back. She bit her lower lip, trying to pin it down with her teeth so that she wouldn't lean in and kiss him like she so desperately wanted to do. 

Derek packed her book inside his bag and slung the leather satchel over his shoulder. He nodded in the direction of the sliding glass doors, and they started walking slowly toward Meredith's jeep. With each step, Meredith sensed him relaxing beside her, ambling closer to her and loosening his tie. 

"I can't describe how happy I am to have that presentation over with," he sighed as they reached the dark blue jeep and started to climb inside. 

"Really?" Meredith replied. 

"Yeah. It was a big honor and all, but all week long I've been looking forward to the time after the presentation when I'd get to just relax and be with you." 

"Really?" she repeated as she closed her door and settled into her seat.

"Really," Derek answered. He slid his hand through her hair and peered at her with piercing blue eyes that easily destroyed any barrier she could create between them. 

Meredith shifted her gaze down to the floor, unable to handle the intensity of the moment. On the one hand, she felt like she was suffocating, but she also wasn't sure that she needed air to breathe anymore—not when he was around, anyway.

She started the car and began driving towards Pike Place Market to find a good restaurant for lunch. There were tons of options in that area, and she was feeling particularly noncommittal as it related to choosing a place to eat. 

"So what did you want to talk about?" Derek asked patiently as he sank back in his seat. 

"I thought you needed food first," Meredith grumbled.

"I did, but I apparently need to get this out of you first. What's wrong? Are you still hung up on the boss thing?" 

Meredith gripped the steering wheel tightly, causing her knuckles to turn white. 

"How can you say that like it's no big deal?" she questioned.

"It's no big deal," he replied coolly. 

"Right."

"Look, we knew each other before I received the offer. We're professionals and adults and what we choose to do outside of the hospital is none of their business," he rationalized. He seemed a bit more agitated than before, and Meredith was already regretting the conversation.

"Except it's not outside the hospital, Derek. Today it was very much _inside_ the hospital," she argued.

Derek let out an exasperated sigh. "So what do you want to do? Do you want me to go back and talk to the chief about us?"

"No…" she shook her head. She definitely didn't want that.

"You're not thinking about ending this, are you?" he pressed. His expression radiated fear and concern—as if the possibility was an unthinkable option for him.

Meredith slouched, suddenly feeling guilty for having considered that prospect. "No…"

"Good. Well then, I think we should just try to lay low for a while, and if people find out, so be it," he stated matter-of-factly.

"That's it then?" Meredith pressed, surprised by how easy it was for him to dismiss her concern.

"What else do you want me to say?" 

"What do you want _me_ to say? When my friends start asking questions about us, should I deny that we've got a thing?" Meredith asked.

"Say whatever you want." 

Meredith slammed on her breaks, not paying enough attention to the traffic patterns as she nearly rear-ended the car in front of her. She huffed angrily, unsure if it was directed at the other car, Derek, or herself. 

Derek reached over and rubbed her shoulder soothingly. "Hey," he started. 

She glanced over at him as she waited for the stoplight to change back to green. 

"I want to see how things play out between us while we're in the same area code. Whatever you decide as far as keeping things secret or telling people—I'll support it," he assured her.

Meredith sighed with frustration. She wasn't frustrated with him so much as with the situation. She wanted to keep their relationship secret – at least for a little while – but she didn't know how practical that would be. How could she possibly sneak around without her roommates getting suspicious?

"I'm not going to say anything to my friends until I have to," Meredith concluded.

"And Cristina?" Derek countered.

"Cristina won't say anything, and as far as she's concerned, we're not going to be dating," she slipped as she eased back into flowing traffic.

"You told her you were ending this?" Derek accused.

"Maybe," Meredith shot back. "And then you showed up—"

"And all bets were off as I was my irresistible self," he teased with the precise balance of self-deprecating wit and arrogance that attracted her to him in the first place. 

Meredith laughed, "I guess it was something like that." 

She turned into a large parking structure and stopped to pull a ticket out of the gate. 

"Well, I'm glad you made that decision. You'll be far more useful to me now that I know you'll be sticking around for a while," he remarked.

"Useful?" she frowned. She was uncertain if she liked the sound of that word. "Useful how?"

"I'm guessing you'll be more helpful in my efforts to find a place to live if you know you'll be spending the night there all the time," he grinned.

"You're awfully sure of yourself with your 'all the time' claim," she bantered as she navigated the vehicle into an empty parking space and turned the ignition off.

Derek shrugged. "If the last twenty-four hours were any indication, I feel pretty confident in that prediction. You can't get enough of me. No self-control…but I won't charge you rent or anything," he replied.

"Thanks," Meredith mumbled as she rolled her eyes at him. She'd try to knock him down a few pegs if only it wasn't so true. Her ability to resist him was virtually non-existent despite her protests to the contrary. "So is that the plan for today? Eat and then look for your new home?" 

"The meeting with the realtor is at four."

"I see. You really do have everything planned, don't you?" she laughed nervously. She hadn't expected them to be on a schedule of any sort.

"Think of it as I'm trying to maximize my time here," he assured. He leaned in and gave her a brief but passionate kiss. "And I hope you can clear your schedule because I have many, many things on my docket."

"I think we can work something out." Her eyes narrowed seductively as she pulled him back towards her to pick up where the last kiss left off. 

She couldn't be sure that their plans were going to work, but she definitely liked the direction they were headed. 


	5. Chapter 5

**Author's Note: Thanks for the patience as I worked on this chapter. It took me a while to finish "Gravity," and then transitioning back to this fic was way hard. Seeing new episodes of the show has definitely resuscitated my enthusiasm, though. And as always, much thanks for the feedback love. It grounds me back to this project when I have a million other things pulling me every which way. **

"So, explain something to me," Meredith pressed as she leaned against the steel rails of the outer deck of the ferryboat. The temperatures were unseasonably warm for late spring, and she glowed in the intermittent sunshine streaming through the clouds.

Derek tilted towards her expectantly.

"Are you always so spontaneous? It seems like you're making major life decisions left and right, and I'm just…" Meredith's voice trailed off into an amused whisper. She was surprised to have found any voice at all after watching Derek offer 3.5 million dollars for 40 acres of vacant land on Bainbridge Island. She was even more speechless when he suggested he'd just live in a small trailer for a while until he figured out some house plans.

"Did you not like the land?" Derek asked, somewhat concerned.

"Um, no—I mean, I liked it. I liked it a lot. It's just—we were there less than ten minutes, Derek. It was the only place you even looked at," she argued.

"I knew it was what I wanted. I didn't want to waste time," Derek responded. He winked playfully at Meredith before turning back towards the Seattle skyline. He was still wearing his suit from the morning presentation, but his tie hung noticeably looser and his top collar button was undone.

"You don't think any of this is too fast…the job, the move, the land," Meredith persisted. _Not to mention us. _She shook her head from side to side, mystified by his rapid judgments on issues she would agonize over.

Derek sighed and wrapped his hands tightly around the railing before leaning back. His toes pressed against the lower guardrails as his body tilted as far back as his arm span would enable. For a moment, he was a pendulum swinging to its outermost point before retreating to its perpendicular center.

"This decision—all of these decisions—have been months in the making. Maybe years. I know they seem rushed to you, but they've been a long time coming. It's what I want right now. I need this," he offered. His body sagged back against the guardrail, and he folded his hands together. While his voice tried to convey all of the arrogance and overconfidence Meredith had come to expect from him, she sensed that it was masking depths of insecurity and vulnerability that she hadn't seen before.

Meredith nodded and turned her back to the city so she could stare at him instead. Her hands fidgeted at her sides before she shoved them in her pocket, and she awkwardly kicked her right leg over her left as she decided what else to say. His expression was largely unreadable by her, and she had to laugh to herself as she considered that in many ways he was still a stranger to her. She hadn't even seen him in person for more than twenty-four hours yet, and she knew that his voice would be a much better barometer for her after spending so much time on the phone together.

"Hmmm," Derek murmured as a smile crossed his lips. "I think I know how we should celebrate tonight."

Meredith shifted towards him, surprised by his sudden transition, and she hoped he'd continue with an explanation. She wasn't particularly fond of guessing games.

"What do you have in mind?" she questioned when he didn't volunteer anything.

"You looked pretty amazing in that dress last night. Any chance you have another?" Derek flirted.

"I might," she countered as she mentally catalogued her closet and tried to imagine something sexy she could put together.

"Then I might want to take you out for a nice dinner and then back to my hotel for the rest of the night," he suggested.

"I think I could handle that," Meredith beamed.

He nuzzled into her neck, and the thin layer of late afternoon stubble along his jaw scratched her skin. His lips provided a soothing balm, however, and once again, all of Meredith's insecurities about the blossoming relationship evaporated.

"You're moving to Seattle," she murmured mostly to herself.

"I'm moving to Seattle," he agreed.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Meredith grimaced the moment she heard the front door slam closed and the sounds of Izzie and Alex's voices trailing upstairs. She had just finished the rare ritual of putting on a strapless bra and lipstick, and she had hoped to escape the house without witnesses. She had promised to meet Derek back at his hotel around seven, and rather than taking a short nap or cleaning up her room from her late night visitor, she spent the time executing multiple wardrobe changes. She eventually settled on a silver and navy party dress with an empire waist and a very deep v-neck, and while she hoped that it didn't look like she was trying too hard to look sexy, she knew she looked great. The knowledge that her friends were downstairs, however, made her consider changing into a turtleneck and jeans instead.

She would clearly need to plan a cover story before she stepped out from her bedroom.

She finished tossing her hairbrush and condom collection into an overnight bag before zipping it tightly shut. She wasn't about to return to Derek's hotel for the night without a change of clothes and toiletries, and she did a quick survey of her room to decide if she was forgetting anything. When nothing came to mind, she nodded to herself and slipped on some silver ballet flats.

_You're ready to go to the freakin' prom and this is no big deal. Yeah. Whatever._

Meredith rolled her eyes at her reflection in the mirror as she took one last look at herself, and then grabbed her things to go. She wasn't expected to be at the hotel for about a half hour yet, but she knew she needed to leave soon given traffic. Without finding another excuse to stall, she quietly turned out her lights and closed the bedroom door.

Izzie and Alex sat in front of the TV in the living room, attentively watching a hockey game and tossing back beers. For a moment, Meredith thought she could sneak by them and make it out the door, but Alex turned just as Meredith was halfway there.

"Holy shit," he exclaimed, causing Izzie to follow his gaze. Her jaw dropped slightly lower than his, if that was even possible.

"I'm…it's nothing. Just going out," Meredith muttered as casually as she could manage.

"You're wearing a dress. You shaved your legs," Izzie spewed accusingly.

"It…happens."

"Who's the guy?" Alex demanded. He had lost all interest in the hockey game and was kneeling in her direction on the couch.

"Um," Meredith stammered, her cover story completely vacant from her mind.

"Is it the one from last night? It's the one from last night, isn't it? Oh my god, you've packed a bag, it's the one from last night! Who is he, Meredith? Have we met him? Is this serious? It must be serious if you're already planning to spend the night with him. _And_ you're wearing a dress." Izzie rambled through her questions and observations without pausing to take a breath, but Meredith was the only one left exhausted by the process.

"You don't…_know_ him, and it's _not_ serious. Just…sex mostly," Meredith articulated with as little finesse as humanly possible. If she wasn't so obviously mortified by the questions, she would have run back upstairs and buried herself back in bed.

"Just sex doesn't put in you in a dress like that," Alex observed before finishing his beer and returning the bottle to the table.

Meredith felt her skin flush with embarrassment. She really wished she was a better liar. Maybe if Ellis had been more observant growing up she would have gotten more practice. As it was, Meredith was mostly left unsupervised, and all of her dubious adolescent deeds were largely unnoticed.

"Okay, it's dinner, too," Meredith confessed. She shrugged her shoulders awkwardly and began playing with her watch, rolling around her wrist in a nervous fidget.

"I can't believe you won't tell us about the guy," Izzie pouted as she pulled a pillow into her lap and hugged it tightly.

"There's just not much to tell." Meredith squirmed against the doorway, cringing as she remembered the other task she needed to accomplish. She needed to trade shifts with someone for tomorrow, and she had no idea how to finagle that transition, especially after being so obvious about her plans for the evening.

"The gods clearly like you, Mere. First you get to play tour guide to Shepherd, now you get to go out for your second consecutive night of amazing sex," Izzie observed bitterly.

"What does Derek have to do with anything?" Meredith gasped, turning a deeper shade of crimson in the process.

Alex immediately perked up and raised his eyebrows suspiciously. "Derek?"

"Dr. Shepherd," Meredith corrected herself quickly.

"Are you going out with Dr. Shepherd?" Alex interrogated. A huge grin spread across his lips as he folded his arms in front of him.

"Of course not. He's--he's going to be our boss," Meredith tried to dismiss.

"He _is_ really hot," Izzie commented, "And come to think about it, he did seem to be flirting with you a bit—like you already knew each other or something."

"Knew each other in the biblical sense," Alex muttered, causing Izzie to giggle.

Meredith rolled her eyes and took a deep breath. She couldn't continue this conversation without digging a deeper hole for herself. She needed to deal with her shift change and get out.

"Can either of you take my shift tomorrow?" Meredith requested flatly.

"Where are you going to be?" Izzie wondered aloud.

"I have a friend in town that I wanted to visit," Meredith answered, almost proud of herself for her arguably honest response.

"A friend who's a neurosurgeon here for the symposium?" Izzie retorted, yielding a high five from Alex.

Meredith closed her eyes and shook her head. She was not going to get out of this at all.

"Fine! You win! I'm fucking Dr. Shepherd. Now will you take my shift or not?" Meredith blurted in a mini-tantrum.

Izzie's eyes grew large. It wasn't clear if Meredith was being serious or just humoring them with sarcasm. "Yeah, sure," she stammered. "I can do it." She exchanged a quick, questioning glance with Alex, who seemed just as perplexed by Meredith's outburst.

"Thanks," Meredith grumbled. "Now I'm gonna go."

"Meredith," Alex interrupted, causing her to pause as she heaved her overnight bag back to her shoulder.

"Yeah?" she hesitated.

"I hope whoever he is appreciates your efforts. You look pretty smokin'," Alex confirmed.

"Thanks," Meredith murmured shyly. She hoped he'd appreciate it too.


	6. Chapter 6

Meredith sat in her jeep in the parking lot of Derek's hotel and applied lipstick for the third time of the evening. She had managed to nibble the color off her bottom lip as she worried about how to convince Izzie or Alex to trade shifts with her. Later, she chewed it off on the drive over as she thought about spending an evening with Derek. At least she'd chosen a soft pink lip color rather than a dark burgundy or scarlet. Her teeth didn't provide additional evidence of her nibbling habits, and the color was natural-looking enough that she probably could have gone without.

But by the third application, this wasn't so much about appearances anymore. That was just a plausible cover story to allow Meredith to deny that she was trying to delay their date a little bit longer.

She pinched her cheeks a couple times, trying to resurrect the color that seemed to drain away the moment she saw the sign for the Marriott. She didn't know why she was so nervous all of a sudden.

Except she did know.

She knew the moment she chose which dress to wear, curled her hair, and dabbled a layer of clear nail polish over her teeth-trimmed nails that she wanted the night to be perfect. Their first date had been so amazing, she was beginning to wonder if it was a fluke, especially after all of the stress she experienced at the hospital. She was dying to find out if the undeniable spark would smolder into something more—something able to survive the challenge of their work dynamic. Everything about the situation seemed to be creating the kind of soul-twisting, gut-wrenching pressure that made Meredith want to bury herself beneath the covers of her bed and never come out.

Satisfied that there was nothing more she could do besides sit in the vehicle and dwell on the situation, Meredith slid out of the jeep and began walking towards the hotel lobby. The motion detecting doors ushered her in, and she walked towards the elevator with as much confidence as she could muster. As nervous as she was, she had to admit she was looking forward to seeing more of Derek in the short term. The long term was yet to be determined.

"Meredith!" his voice called from across the lobby, startling her as she heard it.

She jumped slightly before turning to see where it came from.

"Over here," he assisted just as she turned toward a small business center with a guest accessible computer and printer.

Meredith smiled and started walking over to him. He had clearly showered and shaved since their afternoon rendezvous, and he was wearing a very cleanly tailored gray suit that made her decide she could never be the better looking half of the two of them. Although, the way that Derek's deep blue eyes scanned her body up and down made her think he might argue with that claim.

"Hi," Meredith murmured shyly.

"Hi," Derek answered back, almost breathless. "I was just…" he gestured toward the printer before turning back toward her. "You look incredible," he finished.

"Thanks," Meredith mumbled. She stared down at the mosaic tiled flooring rather than meet Derek's gaze straight on.

"You know, we don't have to go out tonight. I could just take you back up to my room. Order in something," Derek suggested. He grabbed a couple printouts from the laser printer and leaned in closer to Meredith.

"Then what would you have to look forward to later on?" Meredith flirted.

"I'm sure I can think of plenty. But you did get all dressed up, I guess I can share you with the general public for a little while," he teased.

"I'm sure you'll manage," she laughed. "What's that?" she asked, pointing towards the papers in his hand.

"Directions to the French restaurant I'm taking you to. I hope you like French food," he explained.

"French food is good," Meredith answered. She wasn't about to admit that her definition of French food was probably limited to French fries and French toast. "Do you want to drive?" she offered as she held out the keys to her jeep.

"Sure, if you'll navigate." He traded the keys for the directions before slipping his arm around her waist. He nodded politely at the front desk staff as he escorted Meredith out to the parking lot.

Meredith arched her arm around his waist, hugging him towards her as she tipped her head against his shoulder. She could smell the combination of his soap, aftershave, and cologne, and she wanted to burrow against him even more to relish it.

"Are you okay?" Derek voiced with concern.

"I think so, actually," Meredith replied, as if it was as much a surprise to her.

"Tired? Did you nap this afternoon?" he continued to press.

"No nap, but not tired," she murmured back.

"I napped a little," he confessed. "I think you exhausted me last night, and I wanted to make sure the same thing wouldn't happen again tonight."

Meredith raised her eyebrows at him quizzically.

"That came out wrong," he added sheepishly. "I would love to repeat last night, but I don't want to be too exhausted to do it."

Meredith giggled joyfully and watched as a warm smile graced Derek's lips in response. "Napping is good," she mused.

"It is," he answered. "But you know what's even better than napping?"

Meredith leaned against the door of the jeep and felt the seconds tick away as she anticipated his answer. She was surprised, however, to discover that the answer didn't immediately arrive in the form of words. Derek placed his hands firmly on her hips, pulling the navy satin of her dress taut against her torso. Her pulse began to race and her breathing became shallower as he leaned in towards her and greeted the curve of her neck with warm, moist breath.

"Fondue. Crepes. Wine. French food. All better than napping," he whispered before pulling away and leaving her completely bereft.

Meredith's eyes radiated a mix of bewilderment and longing as she stared at him, and he winked mischievously back at her. He clearly enjoyed stoking the sexual tension between them, and there was no way that Meredith could handle an evening of constant exchanges like that. It made her want him far more than she was willing to admit, and she hated the feeling of leaving him in control of the relationship. She needed to find a way to retaliate. Two could definitely play that game.

Derek opened the passenger door of the jeep and waited for Meredith to settle inside. She silently brushed past him and lifted herself into seat, casually raising the hem of her dress to expose her thighs. Her eyes dared him to stare or better yet, touch, but he merely chuckled nervously and shook his head before closing her door and circling over to the driver's side.

Meredith grinned triumphantly as she straightened her dress back out, fastened her seat belt, and examined the directions to the restaurant. Rush hour traffic would be dissipating now, and she suspected it would be a fairly quick trip.

"So, it looks like you're going to want to head north to Wall Street," Meredith explained as Derek started the car and adjusted the seat to accommodate his height.

"Wall Street?" Derek repeated. "Maybe Seattle and New York aren't so different after all."

"Right," Meredith answered, and a small giggle escaped her throat in the process.

Derek merged into traffic and casually reached his right hand across the console to rest on Meredith's knee. His fingers slipped beneath the fabric but didn't migrate any higher, instead grazing the joint with his thumb as he stared ahead into traffic. The corners of Meredith's mouth turned upward slightly as she glanced out the window and watched the occasional clusters of tourists navigating the damp sidewalks.

"What's after Wall Street?" Derek asked as he completed the right turn.

"Right on Elliott," Meredith replied. She drew in a deep breath as his hand tickled up her thigh before returning to the steering wheel. He didn't even bother to look at her to gauge her reaction, but she could tell from his confident smile that he was pleased with his ability to tease her. Effectively.

She rolled her eyes and sighed, trying to dream of her next retaliatory move. She glanced over at him, and it immediately dawned on her. She scooted up in her seat and leaned across the console. Her hand grabbed his inner thigh, brushing his groin in the process. "I wanted to tell you something," she cooed before dipping her tongue against the soft spot below his ear.

He immediately gasped and squirmed against her hand.

"You want to merge onto Western and then turn left at Virginia," Meredith continued in her most sultry voice before quickly retreating to her seat.

His eyes grew dark and disbelieving as he peered over at her. "Damn," he muttered through an exhalation and returned his attention to the road. "You definitely don't play fair."

"I don't know. I happen to think I play very well with others," she shot back, receiving an aggravated grunt in return.

"I can handle you. I'm not out of tricks yet," he teased.

"And you think I am?"

"What's after Virginia?" Derek asked, changing the subject.

Meredith glanced back at the printout of directions. "Right on Third, right on Stewart. Should be right there."

Derek nodded and mumbled the directions to himself, locking them into his memory. When the words "such a bad idea" mixed into his grumblings, Meredith couldn't help but look at him with concern.

"What's a bad idea?" she wondered.

"I shouldn't have picked French food tonight. It's going to be at least a three hour meal which seemed great and romantic in theory but is far too much of a time commitment now that I'm with you," he explained.

"You don't want to spend three hours with me tonight?" Meredith feigned hurt.

"Not in a restaurant. Not in public," he confessed. His eyes sparkled as he glanced back over at her, mirroring the navy satin of her dress.

"Do you want to call a truce?" she offered.

"Maybe. But I can't promise that I'll keep my hands to myself," he acknowledged.

"That's fine, as long as we don't have the explicit intention of torturing each other – yet," she said with a knowing smirk.

"Rule number one: no intentional torture. Got it," Derek announced. He pulled up to the valet stand and they both exited the vehicle. He quickly came around to Meredith's side of the car and took her hand, leading her towards the restaurant. Once inside, Meredith surveyed the décor while Derek exchanged a few words and quite possibly a large bill with the maitre d' before heading towards an intimate booth in the back corner of the restaurant. The walls were painted a passionate red, and black and white photos adorned the walls while a silent black and white film projected on the ceiling.

"How did you find this place?" Meredith marveled as she slid into the booth.

"I asked around. How did you _not_?" he replied.

Meredith shrugged. "Not the place I'd usually go on a date."

Derek looked surprised by the admission.

"The whole wining and dining thing is a bit foreign to me. It's been a while," she confessed.

"That's kinda sad," Derek responded. "Romance is fun, sexy. I'll have to show you."

"Sounds like a plan," she remarked as she folded her napkin in her lap and picked up the menu. "Rule number two: Romantic gestures are encouraged," Meredith quipped in a tone that bordered on mockery.

"And with that in mind, I think we need a bottle of champagne," Derek concluded as he reached for the wine list. "After all, we may as well take advantage of the lengthy dinner and drink."

"Champagne? Not just a regular wine?" Meredith asked curiously. Her memories of dining in France always started out with a simple red or white wine at her meals. It was the aftermath that always got a bit hazy.

"I was thinking we'd do both," Derek answered. He summoned the waiter and requested a bottle of Veuve Clicquot before turning his attention back towards his date.

Meredith fidgeted with her napkin, feeling slightly uncomfortable with all of the attention Derek was lavishing on her – a shift he seemed to pick up on quickly.

"So, I gave some thought to what you said today – your concerns about our working relationship and all that," he said. His voice deepened, reflecting a level of seriousness he hadn't achieved yet this evening.

Meredith's lips pursed together, and she nodded solemnly. "Yeah, about that. I really think—"

"Wait," Derek interrupted. "Let me get this out of the way. I agree that it will be complicated, at least at first, and we definitely do need to talk about it to figure things out. I was maybe a bit dismissive today about that, and, well…The thing is, we've spent months talking and figuring things out about each other, and we only have a couple days to spend together before I leave again. So I propose that we shelve the talking about that stuff."

"You want to shelve the talking?" Meredith echoed in disbelief.

"I want to shelve talking about Seattle Grace Hospital and all the issues it raises for us," he affirmed.

"That seems like a pretty big limit on the conversation," Meredith challenged. She didn't necessarily object to the idea, but she was still surprised by it.

"There are plenty of other things we can talk about. I'm not worried."

"You get that it'll still be an elephant in the corner – a big, hulking, gray elephant with Dumbo ears glaring at us and not going away just because we decide not to acknowledge it for the moment," she continued.

"I know, and we _will_ talk about it when I go back to New York, but I just..." Derek took a sip of water and shifted uncomfortably, almost evasively. "I've had a lot of complicated lately, and last night, before I told you that I was coming to Seattle, was the happiest and least complicated I've had in a really long time. I want more of that. Save the complicated for when we're on the phone and not face to face."

"So you're encouraging us to live in denial?"

"Temporarily," Derek admitted sheepishly.

Meredith played with her own glass of water, watching the ice cubes swirl and clank against the sides of the tumbler. She could definitely handle denial. She was good at denial – far better than he even knew, but it felt simultaneously uncomfortable and liberating to enter the situation with that plan in mind.

"We'll talk when you get back to New York?" Meredith repeated as she mulled over his suggestion.

"I promise," Derek insisted with a level of solemnity that alleviated any skepticism Meredith may have possessed.

"Well, okay then. Rule number three: No talking about Seattle Grace and our working relationship until you get back to New York," Meredith agreed.

"Thank you," Derek sighed with relief.

The waiter arrived with two champagne flutes and the bottle of bubbly, carefully uncorking it and pouring glasses for both of them. A basket of bread soon followed, and within minutes Derek and Meredith had negotiated their way through several tapas selections for their meal.

Meredith tugged at a piece of buttered baguette, leaving flaky crumbs on her plate as she tore off a bite. With the hospital no longer a candidate for conversation topics, she struggled to think of something to discuss.

"You know what's interesting?" Derek started, rescuing Meredith from her social awkwardness.

"What?" she asked, looking over at him. He was wearing the kind of bright, optimistic smile that she oddly felt responsible for, although she couldn't figure out why or how.

"That was the first time that I ever visited a neurology chat room—the day I met you there," he added.

Meredith chewed on the crusty bread she had just popped in her mouth, but raised her eyebrows to convey her surprise.

"Before that day, I never even visited the site. It wasn't even on my radar screen, but for some reason, I did a search online and stumbled into it," Derek confessed.

"Huh," Meredith grunted. She wasn't sure what to make of the information Derek was revealing. "So what made you go looking for it?"

"That's a good question," Derek answered. His brow creased with thought lines as he hesitated and buttered his own piece of bread. "I had been working a lot, and I guess I felt like talking to someone without really needing to talk, if that makes sense."

"Have you always worked a lot?" Meredith asked, genuinely curious. She knew that he couldn't get to this stage of his career without a lot of hard work, but they had never talked as much about life outside of their respective hospitals.

"Definitely sometimes more than others. This year, I was really logging some hours," he replied. The sparkle in his eyes glazed over into something that held more sadness or regret.

"Any particular reason?" Meredith pushed.

Derek stared off and shrugged, creating a distance in the conversation that immediately made Meredith regret her line of questions. Within a few seconds, however, Derek turned his attention back to her and his expression melted back into adoration. He smiled warmly, causing lines to form at the outer corners of his eyes.

"The point is," he resumed, "I think there was a reason I went to that site that day and met you, and I'm really glad that I did." He reached over and took her hand, squeezing it lightly in his.

Meredith blushed, unable to decide what to make of it all. She wasn't the type of person to believe in fate or destiny. To her, it was all just a coincidence. But somehow, he made believing seem a little bit easier.

"I'm glad you did, too," she finally responded. It was the most honest thing she could say.

"And I'm glad I asked to meet you in person and bought the land. It was time for a change," Derek continued. "It feels good to be excited about things."

Meredith smiled back, unable to suppress the fact that she was excited too. It was all the encouragement he needed to slip back into her personal space and lean in to kiss her. His tongue glided into her mouth, tentative at first, and his body radiated a kind of heat that made her feel like the hot wax of the candle at their table had spilled over her. She eagerly kissed back, her hands drifting into the waft of curls surrounding his ears before drifting lower to the lapels of his jacket. If she hadn't needed to come up for oxygen, she would have let the kissing continue much, much longer, in public or not.

Meredith licked her lips, sensing the subtle swell left behind by his touch. "I'm not sure what kind of excitement you were referencing earlier," she whispered coyly.

Derek couldn't help but laugh as he let out a large exhalation. He kissed her again, just a soft flutter across her lips, before leaning back to his space.

Meredith took a large sip of her champagne, hoping the beverage would cool her off, but the carbonation only made her mouth tingle more. She finished the glass quickly, and turned her attention back toward Derek, who sat grinning like the Cheshire cat.

"Do you want more?" he asked.

"Kissing?" Meredith replied, wide-eyed.

"I was asking about the champagne, actually, but I can offer you both," he managed between chuckles.

"Oh, sure," Meredith answered.

"Which part?" Derek teased. His eyes glistened mischievously as he reached for the champagne bottle, but he hesitated before removing it from the ice bucket beside their table.

"Allow me, sir," the waiter interrupted as he carried a tray of gruyere fondue and assorted dipping items to their table. He refilled both their glasses, finishing off the bottle, which then prompted Derek to order a bottle of a locally produced Riesling that Meredith was certain she'd regret later.

Meredith picked up her fondue fork and stared at it for a second before turning to Derek. She'd never had fondue before, and she wanted to make sure she did it correctly before embarrassing herself.

"Are you waiting for me?" Derek asked, sensing her hesitation.

"Maybe," she said with a shrug.

Derek surveyed the restaurant to confirm that they still had a great deal of privacy. No one was sitting at the table closest to theirs, and the only traffic to this section seemed to be their waiter.

"What would you like first?" he inquired as he took his fork to the selection of bread, fruit, and vegetables cascading the plate.

"I'll try the bread. That looks safe," she replied.

Derek stabbed a cube of bread and dipped it into the steaming crock of cheese. He twirled his fork around to minimize dripping as he lifted it out of the cheese bath and carried it to Meredith's mouth. She savored the taste of it, detecting the wine and butter base with just the smallest hint of garlic, and she inadvertently sighed with delight as she swallowed.

"You like it?" Derek wondered. His fondue fork remained suspended midair as if he needed her permission and approval to go on.

"Mmm-hmm," she moaned. "Now let me try," she insisted eagerly. She hooked another piece of bread on the end of her fork and submerged it in the fondue but somehow managed to lose the bread in the process of withdrawing her fork. Her face pinched in frustration, and a disbelieving grunt escaped her lips, forcing Derek to stifle a laugh.

"We'll get that one later. Try again, just keep it close to the sides this time so it's easier to keep on your fork," he encouraged.

Meredith tried again, this time pulling it out successfully. She beamed with pride as she watched the cheese stream and drip back into the crock. She twirled her fork a couple of times as she'd seen Derek do, and then quickly directed it towards his mouth. He hadn't anticipated her feeding him, and the surprise of it resulted in a bit of cheese dribbling down his chin before the rest of it made it past his lips. She leaned in and used her tongue to clean away the mess, dragging it along the divot at the base of his chin and back up to his lips before pulling away.

"I think that's the best fondue I've ever had," Derek murmured, "but I may need to try some more just to be sure."

"Oh, really?" she purred back, pleased with herself and immensely relieved that he'd secured a secluded table.

He waggled his eyebrows at her, daring her to try again, and she complied enthusiastically. Soon she found them embroiled in a game of "accidentally" dripping the cheese on each other and then carefully licking it off. It wasn't until some curiously landed on her collarbone that she showed any objection.

"Derek," she murmured as his mouth moved across her collarbone and towards her sternum.

"Hmmm," he growled back without stopping.

"I feel like you're violating rule number one…intentional torture…" She closed her eyes and sucked in a deep breath, inadvertently causing her breasts to lift toward him.

"Some rules are made to be broken," he insisted, his voice low and throaty as his hand slid along her side towards her hip.

"Derek," she repeated more forcefully.

He retreated, his disappointment at being told to stop unmistakable. "I would've let you retaliate," he grumbled.

"Oh, and I still will," she promised. She'd have to. The likelihood of making it through the next several courses of their dinner without touching him seemed nonexistent.

They continued to drink and nosh on the fondue and other tapas until Meredith hit the critical threshold between happily drunk and regretfully drunk. All regard for rule number one had been tossed aside after the first course and fifth glass of alcohol, and they continued tormenting each other at various opportunities throughout the meal.

"Do you want any more wine?" Derek offered as their plates were being cleared from the table.

"No," Meredith insisted. "I need to stop for a while."

"Coffee, then?"

"Sure."

Derek ordered coffee and dessert before snuggling closer to Meredith in the booth. The restaurant was virtually empty now, and the combination of intoxication and exhaustion was starting to weigh heavily on them both. Coffee would definitely be necessary to sober up and make it back to the hotel, much less do the things they'd been implicitly promising each other all night.

"So, has this been romantic enough for you?" Derek asked.

"Definitely," Meredith murmured. "You're raising the bar awfully high, though. What are we going to do tomorrow night?"

"I've already figured that out, actually," Derek mused.

Meredith turned toward him, incapable of masking her surprise.

"Don't even bother asking about it either, because I won't tell you what I have planned."

"Hmmph," she pouted, balling her fists and hitting them against her legs.

Derek chuckled. "Be careful there, Meredith. You're kinda cute when you pout. I might have to surprise you more often if it'll trigger that sort of reaction," he teased.

She crossed her arms in front of her chest, letting out another grunt in the process.

Derek laughed again and looked at his watch. "I wish they'd hurry up with the dessert. I think I'm ready to go back to the hotel."

"Is it past your bedtime?" Meredith flirted.

"It is awfully late in New York, but I was actually thinking that I've seen you in that dress long enough now. I'm anxious for it to come off," he growled.

"Oh, really?" she answered. She intentionally shrugged in such a way that one strap of her dress slid off her shoulder and landed along her tricep – an action only made possible by the quantity of wine she'd consumed throughout the night.

"Don't do that," Derek gasped.

"Why?" she mocked innocently.

"Because I at least need coffee…to sober up and drive you—drive you back to the hotel," he stammered, clearly becoming flustered.

She draped one hand along his inner thigh, sliding it dangerously close to his groin and then back towards his knee as she pressed into him and whispered in his ear. "We can take a cab," she suggested, enjoying the power she had over him. "Speed things up a bit," she continued. Her hand drifted back up his thigh, but this time she didn't hesitate when her fingers reached the zipper of his pants. She stroked along the seam, watching him shudder in response.

"You understand that you're making it impossible for me to say no, right?" he groaned as he pressed against her hand.

"That's the idea," she whispered.

"All right," he sighed. He took a deep breath and gently pushed her away. "Let me get the bill."

Derek crawled out of the booth in search of the waiter while Meredith fixed her dress and smiled triumphantly. She wasn't sure if it was the alcohol or the anticipation or both, but she was absolutely giddy about the night ahead of her. Their encounter last night marked the end of a five month dance with celibacy, and there was no question that she enjoyed making up for lost time with him. She'd never met anyone who turned her on so much, and she sensed that the sex would only get better as they learned each other's bodies and sounds. The sooner they got on with that, the happier she would be. They could save the conversation for the late night phone calls.

"We're in luck," Derek announced as he walked back clutching a to-go carrier with two coffees and a dessert tucked inside.

Meredith took one last drink of water and started to stand up. She was surprised when the floor seemed to move and sway, and she stumbled through her first couple steps before rediscovering her sense of balance.

"I maybe drank too much," she giggled as she linked her arm through Derek's.

He rolled his lips between his teeth, trying to conceal his amusement. Even though he had a lot to drink, he was nowhere near as affected as she was. He wasn't quite good enough to drive safely, but he wasn't far from it.

She pulled away from him and rushed toward the door. If her path was marked on the floor, it would have followed a distinct zig-zag pattern even though there were no obstacles in her way. She nearly tripped again as she reached the door, but she quickly righted herself before flinging the front door open and unleashing another flurry of sprite-like giggles.

"Take me to your hotel, Derek," she demanded as he reached the door.

"That's the plan," he appeased. He paused to take a large swig from his coffee cup, but he didn't take his eyes off Meredith at all. It wasn't clear if that was a reaction motivated from fear or intrigue.

"I want you to take advantage of me," she said much louder than the whisper she intended.

The maitre d' looked up from his conversation with the bartender and observed the couple, and Derek wisely encouraged her to complete her exit and move to the sidewalk outside.

The sidewalk was wet and slippery from rain, and a steady drizzle created the makings of a standard spring night in Seattle.

"Damnit, it's raining," Meredith declared as she warbled onto the sidewalk. "I hate the rain."

"That seems like a problem for a Seattle resident," Derek teased. "Here, hold this," he said as he jutted the to-go carrier toward her.

She took the caddy from him and quickly withdrew a cup of coffee.

"It's half empty. This coffee's empty, Derek. They gave you an empty cup," she complained.

"I was drinking that one. Try the other," he encouraged as he took off his suit coat.

"Oh," Meredith quickly backpeddled as she discovered the other cup was still completely full. She held the beverage to her lips and sipped the bitter coffee that hadn't been doctored with the cream and sugar she preferred.

Derek held out his coat, gesturing for her to put it on. At first she was confused by the suggestion, but she quickly figured it out and finagled the oversized coat over her thin arms. She immediately felt warmer, relishing the residual body heat left from Derek.

Derek scanned the one-way street and frowned when he couldn't see any taxis. "I think I saw a hotel a couple blocks up. Let's walk up there to find a cab," he suggested.

Meredith nodded and staggered towards him, swinging the coffee cups off to her side. If they hadn't taken the time to start drinking the coffee, it certainly would have spilled all over, despite the lids.

"You seem to be struggling with the whole walking thing," Derek commented as he reached for the coffee and then her hand.

"I'm fine." Meredith hiccupped.

"I have an idea that I think could speed this up," he announced as he moved in front of her and hunched low to the ground. "Hop on. I'll carry you."

"Seriously?" Meredith gasped.

"Yeah," he answered.

Meredith wrapped her arms and legs around Derek's neck and torso. He then stood up and hooked his arms over her legs, securing her behind him before he started walking again.

"I think you just wanted me to straddle you," she grumbled in his ear.

"Maybe," he answered playfully. "But I think we'll have better opportunities for that back at the hotel."

Meredith bounced along behind Derek, her hands splayed across his chest as she held onto him. She rested her chin on his shoulder, and she was certain that anyone who saw them would probably think they were some two-headed monster warbling down the street, a thought that made her laugh to herself. Eventually Derek successfully hailed a cab and carefully let her down so she could scoot into the backseat.

"Marriott Waterfront, please," Derek directed as he closed the door behind him.

Meredith glanced over at him seductively, all inhibitions lost as she imagined taking him in the back of the cab. She leaned towards him, resting her hand on his stomach and dipping her pinky finger down beneath the waist of his pants. She began kissing him passionately, a gesture he made no effort to resist, but as soon as more of her hand moved lower beneath his clothing, he gently nudged her away.

"We'll be there in less than five minutes," he whispered, his eyes shifting between her and the cab driver. "We've waited this long, five minutes won't kill us. Here, have more coffee," he offered.

Meredith reluctantly took her cup from Derek and sank back against the seat. His temporary lack of enthusiasm, if it could even be considered that, left her feeling slightly deflated and more sober than she wanted to be.

The cab pulled up to the brightly lit Marriott moments later, and Meredith sighed as she continued to come down from her alcohol buzz. Derek paid the driver and then led her to the hotel, tossing out his now empty coffee cup along the way. The lobby was vacant but for a member of the cleaning crew vacuuming the large entry rugs and the night desk staff, and the corridor by the elevators was abandoned completely. Derek anxiously pressed the up arrow and shifted impatiently as he waited for the doors to swing open.

"Anxious?" Meredith pressed.

Derek turned toward her and lifted his eyebrows. The corners of his mouth soon followed.

The doors dinged loudly as they shifted open, and Derek quickly entered and pressed the number seven to head up to his room. Meredith followed behind him and was caught off guard when he immediately sandwiched her against the back wall of the elevator and started kissing her.

"You have teased me all…night...long," he growled, already loosening his tie and unbuttoning his shirt.

"It's been mutual," Meredith murmured in response. She flattened her hands against the wall and arched her back toward him, enjoying the sensation of his lips pressed against her throat as they continued their descent along her body.

"You know how I said five minutes wouldn't kill us – in the cab?" he stammered as he stopped unbuttoning his shirt and reached towards her breasts instead. "I lied. Those were the hardest, longest five minutes of my life," he moaned.

"Hard and long, huh?" Meredith echoed.

"You have no idea," he answered as the elevator came to a stop and opened. Derek wasted no time exiting and practically sprinted down the hall towards his room, digging into his pocket for the key along the way. Meredith followed right behind.

"Derek," Meredith started, momentarily breaking his concentration. He looked up from where he was fidgeting with the key, and she slid in front of him, standing between him and the door. "In case I forget to tell you later, I've had an amazing time tonight. You've definitely got romantic down."

His expression softened for a moment, and his blue eyes sparkled radiantly.

The green light on the lock blinked at them, letting him know that the key had finally worked, and he swung the handle down to carefully open the door behind her.

Without wasting any more time, Meredith grabbed the loose ends of Derek's tie and pulled him toward her, kissing him intensely as she slinked backwards into the room and let the door swing shut behind them.


	7. Chapter 7

**Author's Note: Thanks for all the feedback on the last chapter! I appreciate it more than you know.**

Without opening her eyes, Meredith reached her arm out and snuggled against Derek's chest, a contented sigh escaping from her lips.

"Are you awake?" Derek whispered before kissing the top of her head. His arms wrapped around her shoulders and held her close.

"Mmmm…" Meredith murmured, still not quite ready to let go of what she was certain was only a dream.

Derek began tangling his fingers through her long, silky strands of hair. His free hand moved towards the hand she was resting on his chest and interlaced his fingers with hers. He then lifted her hand toward his mouth and began kissing her fingers one-by-one.

"I think I like waking up with you," he declared softly before placing her hand back on his chest.

Meredith's eyes fluttered open, providing her first confirmation that she wasn't dreaming at all. "Hmmm…Good morning," she whispered. Her voice was a bit hoarse, and her mouth was dry, but she supposed that wasn't a bad outcome given all of their drinking and subsequent activity the night before. She looked up at him, letting her eyes adjust and take in the sight of a man in bed with her in the morning light. "What time is it?"

"A little after ten. Do you need to go to the hospital today?" he asked. He continued playing with her long wisps of hair, lifting them from the pillow and watching them flutter back down when he dropped them.

"No, I got out of my shift," she answered. "No plans for today."

"No plans?" He shifted so he could see her expression, providing her with a first glance of the stubble that had grown in overnight to cast a heavy shadow along his jaw.

"Well, none that would interfere with spending time with you," she clarified. Her fingers traced along his sternum, excavating a path amidst his baby soft chest hairs. "What about you? Anything happening for you today?"

"Actually, I met this amazing woman recently – smart, funny, unbelievably sexy – and I was hoping to spend a fair amount of time today in bed with her." His hand trailed like a feather along the curve of breast and down to her hip as he spoke, and she wiggled from the tickling sensation.

"Really?" Her voice was low and seductive as she drew out each syllable.

"Mmm-hmm," he muttered as he rolled her onto her back and started trailing his tongue and teeth along her collarbone. "I may need to enter rehab when I get home. So. Completely. Addicted."

Meredith pushed her hands along his scalp to feel his thick hair glide between her fingers before tickling the palms of her hands. She loved the way it spiked out in every direction this morning. She had already learned that he was very particular about his hair, and she suspected that she was one of the few people in existence allowed to see it like this. While her mind momentarily flashed the question "how many others?" she had no inclination to linger on that thought. She felt pretty certain she was the only one now.

"Already I've made you a sex addict? Not bad for less than 48 hours," she teased. Her eyes fluttered closed again, and she pushed back against the pillows, maneuvering beneath him to give access to any part of her body that he desired.

Derek repositioned himself beneath the sheets, aligning their bodies so that he was on top of her but his head hovered close to her chest.

"Can you blame me for wanting to spend the day making love to you?" he growled before cupping his hands around her breasts and drawing her left nipple to his lips.

Meredith's eyes shot open again. _Making love_. He'd definitely said it, and it made her heart race to hear it described with that particular four-letter-word. She typically despised describing her sexual encounters as making love, and she instinctively bristled at the suggestion that it could be in the same stratosphere as love. But hearing the words come from Derek elicited a different, more confusing response from her psyche. This wasn't just standard fucking to her, that she knew. But love? Could they make love without being in love? Was she falling in love with him? Was he falling in love with her?

"Slow down! It's…You're…Too fast," she stammered as she tried to get a handle on the thoughts swirling through her mind. She recognized that her breathlessness was attributed more to panic than arousal, and she immediately blushed with embarrassment over her reaction.

Derek stopped, and a cloud of concern washed over his features as he moved up to face her. "What's wrong?"

"I just…bathroom," she half-lied. "I drank all that water last night to fight the hangover, and now I need to go." She rolled out from beneath him and gathered the top sheet around her, yanking it off the bed as she fumbled her way through the clothes-littered walkway toward the bathroom.

Derek let out a bewildered groan and flattened himself against the mattress. His hands combed through his hair as he stared at the ceiling.

Meredith closed the bathroom door behind her and stared at her messy hair and pale complexion in the mirror. "Stupid, stupid, stupid," she mumbled to herself. "You had to go on another date with him and now you're falling for him. You could be home or in surgery and instead…Good job, Meredith. Way to stand your ground." She rolled her eyes at her reflection in disgust. She then proceeded to wash her face with warm water and finish using the bathroom before returning to find Derek sitting up in bed. The blankets were pooled around his waist, but she could see enough of his hips to know that he was still completely naked underneath.

"I want you to know that I'm on to you," she fumed as she clutched the sheet in front of her chest.

Derek's expression morphed into one of amused surprise. "No, actually, you're standing before me. But if you crawled back over here, I'd definitely let you crawl on top," he teased, probably knowing full well that he was provoking her.

"Not _on _you. _On to_ you. I'm on to you, Derek," she insisted with a bit more determination.

Derek fought to suppress a laugh. "And what exactly are you on to me about?"

"This…this…thing! This whole elaborate seduction scene you have going this weekend just to make me fall for you so that I _have_ to date you when you return to Seattle. No wonder you wanted to wait until you got back to New York to talk. You probably figured by then I would be so completely in love with you that I couldn't possibly resist. But that's not going to work, Derek. It's not going to work because you're going to be my boss, and I'm not going to let myself fall in love with you until…until—"

"Meredith," he said with a smirk that completely disarmed her. "I _promise_ I don't have any ulterior motives this weekend other than wanting to be with you. Just come back to bed," he urged.

Meredith's brow creased in disdain. She hated that he could sound so reasonable sometimes, especially in the times where she wanted him to be completely unreasonable to further her argument.

She shuffled along the side of the bed, dragging her toes through the plush cream carpet, before easing back into bed beside Derek. Derek spooned his body around hers as she settled against him in their own blanket-made cocoon. They remained quiet and motionless for a full minute before Derek finally spoke.

"Is it working at least? Are you falling for me?" he asked in a soft tone that attempted playfulness but hinted at something more serious.

"Derek," she groaned to dismiss the question. She was relieved to be facing away from him, however, so he couldn't see the irrepressible smile crossing her lips.

"I can't help it if the ladies find me irresistible," he teased, adding extra emphasis on 'the ladies' for comic effect.

Meredith giggled. "How many 'ladies' do you have?" she asked as she rolled over to face him.

Derek shrugged. "Only one at the moment, but I think I'd like to keep it that way." His eyes searched her face, and she saw a moment of vulnerability that caught her completely off guard. Despite his playfulness, he wasn't the well-dressed, perpetually confident neurosurgeon anymore. He was a man pushing forty with disheveled hair and morning breath trying to find love and acceptance from the woman lying beside him.

Meredith looked at him tenderly, unsure of what to say, and drew her hand back to his hair. She tousled the hair around his ear with her fingers while her gaze locked into his. She opened her mouth, hoping the words would work their way out on their own, but nothing could be said without giving up her guard completely. Eventually, she quit trying, choosing instead to lick her lips plaintively before pressing them on Derek's.

She couldn't be sure how long she spent kissing him. She lost count of how many shivers coursed through her body as he caressed her skin or how many seconds passed before she could feel him pressed against her hip. She'd never felt her resolve slip away so easily, leaving her open to experience an emotional connection to another man's body rather than just a physical one. She was already plenty aroused for sex, and given another boy toy, she would be rolling on the condom and fumbling toward orgasm by now. But with Derek, she was far less utilitarian. She actually wanted to hear him suck in his breath when she ran her tongue over his earlobe. She liked learning that he'd moan if she kneaded his shoulder blades or shudder if she took one finger and dragged it softly, barely touching him as she trailed to the base of his spine. She felt special knowing that it was the top of his neck that became damp with perspiration first as they jockeyed for access to each other's most sensitive places. And when she watched his eyes roll back and his head tilt to the side as she fondled him, she realized there could be so much more to sex than just groping, thrusting, and climaxing.

"Oh, god, let me…" His voiced was clipped from shallow breathing as he reached over towards the night stand and pulled open the drawer. His hand flailed inside for a moment but came out empty. He opened his eyes in frustration, and a frown crossed his lips as Meredith stopped stroking him so he could roll over and peer inside the drawer.

Meredith rested her hand between her legs, tracing the wet path Derek's fingers had expertly navigated moments before, and she lazily kissed between his shoulder blades as he searched for a condom.

"Dammit!" he growled before slamming the drawer closed. "We're out."

Meredith sat up. "It's okay, I brought some. They're in my…" her voice trailed off as she scanned the room with her eyes. "Oh, crap."

"What?" he pressed flatly.

"They're in my bag which is in the jeep which is still—"

"Still at the restaurant," he groaned. He collapsed against the pillows in irritation.

Meredith couldn't conceal her disappointment as she fell back into the space beside him. While she knew they had plenty of alternate options capable of producing the same general outcome, she also knew that none of those would be anywhere near as satisfying. From the expression on Derek's face, she was relatively certain he was thinking the same thing.

"I'm sorry," he murmured.

"It's okay."

"I should've kept better track. I didn't realize how many times—"

"It's okay. Don't worry about it."

He glanced over at her to see if she meant it, and she forced a smile to reassure him. She felt confident they wouldn't make this mistake again anytime soon.

"What do you want to do?" he asked with very little enthusiasm.

"Maybe we should take this as a sign that our bodies need some rest and just go take a shower – not that I have any clean clothes to change into, apparently," she said, inadvertently crinkling her nose at the end to suggest she didn't want to rest anymore than he did.

"You can wear one of my shirts and hang out here while I go get the jeep," he offered, "but I'll definitely want the shower first." He lifted the blankets off and stood up. Unlike Meredith, he was not the least bit modest about his body as he moved about the room for the first time that day. He un-self-consciously stretched his arms and legs before turning back towards Meredith. "Are you going to join me?"

"Depends. Is it going to be a cold shower?" she flirted, trying extra hard to keep her attention focused on his face and not the rest of his body.

"Not while you're in there," he assured with a wry smile.

Meredith smiled back and nodded. She lingered in bed while he sauntered off to the bathroom, then waited to hear the toilet flush and the shower start before she moved in to join him.

Steam was already starting to fog up the mirror by the time Meredith stepped inside the bathroom. She could smell the fresh, woodsy scent of his soap and saw his profile being pummeled by the spray of water behind the shower curtain. Determined to get a better view, she pulled back the curtain and carefully stepped in the shower behind him.

"Hey," he greeted as he turned to face her. He tilted his head back beneath the shower head, making his Adam's apple appear particularly large in his throat. His hair seemed to be longer and straighter than Meredith had noticed before, and his eyelashes clung together in wet clumps that made the blue of his eyes even more noticeable when he opened them. He then extended his arms out toward Meredith, bracing her to make sure she didn't slip and fall as he traded places with her and let her experience the steady stream of hot water.

"You know," she started absent-mindedly as she felt the familiar tingling of water that's just barely too hot. "Maybe when you come back to Seattle we can graduate from condom sex to something that allows spontaneous sex," she suggested.

The corner of Derek's mouth quirked upward. "Spontaneous shower sex?"

"Perhaps," she teased before turning away from him.

Derek moved in closer to her and maneuvered the bar of soap along her back. "I think I'll like that a lot."

Meredith sighed, only slowly absorbing the full implication of her own comment.

She was making plans for his return.

Not only was she making plans, but she was sharing those plans with him. She was completely foregoing the conversation of what would happen when he's her boss and just assuming that they'd make that work and stay together. She had every reason in the world to think that was a bad idea, but no interest in staving off the train wreck headed in her direction. It was like she was standing on the track, staring at the light and listening to the train's whistle, and just bracing herself for the impact.

And she was certain there would be one, just maybe not today.

"I bet that bendy thing you did last night could be really good in the shower," Derek growled into her ear.

"Mmmm," she moaned in agreement. "You might be right."

They finished the shower fairly quickly, deciding they'd both had all of the teasing they could handle for one morning, and moved to get on with their day. As promised, Derek dressed her in one of his white button-down shirts that hung over her frame like a mini-dress. She rolled up the sleeves, curled up in the armchair, and started searching through TV channels while Derek dressed casually to retrieve the jeep.

"Do you need anything else while I'm out? Breakfast maybe?" he offered as he searched for his watch on the nightstand.

"That sounds good. Whatever you want to pick up," Meredith agreed.

"Okay," he responded before smoothing back her still-wet hair and kissing the top of her forehead. "I'll be back in a few."

He grabbed his wallet and room key off the dresser and hurried out the door before she even realized he was leaving. Once she determined she was alone in the hotel room, however, she quickly got up and grabbed her cell phone. Not surprisingly, she had missed a call from Cristina, and she decided there was no better time to return it than now.

"Why is Izzie posing as you today?" Cristina questioned as soon as she answered the phone.

"Good morning, Cristina," Meredith bubbled, knowing it would aggravate her best friend.

"Where _are_ you? Why aren't you here today?" Cristina whined.

"I had other things I wanted to take care of," Meredith managed unconvincingly.

"Other things such as?"

"You know…things."

"Boy things? Dr. Shepherd things?" Cristina continued.

Meredith's silence confirmed Cristina's suspicions.

"I thought you were going to end it? Yesterday you were ending it," Cristina asserted.

"I know. I was. I am. I will. I should. I definitely should," Meredith grumbled slowly in large part to herself.

"Oh, Meredith," Cristina groaned in disapproval. "What are you doing?"

"Nothing. It's fine. I'm…don't worry about it," Meredith responded, shaking her head as if Cristina could see the extra emphasis.

"Where are you right now?"

"Right now?"

"This isn't a trick question," Cristina shot back.

"I'm at Derek's hotel," Meredith answered.

"So you spent the night with him? Two nights in a row?"

"Yeah," Meredith sighed. She bit her lower lip in nervous frustration. She should've known better than to call Cristina. If anyone could break her bliss bubble, it was Cristina. She was like a sniper standing on alert to shoot Meredith off her cloud nine. And this weekend, Meredith felt particularly resistant to coming down.

"This sounds serious," Cristina voiced with concern.

"It could be," Meredith admitted.

The two sat in awkward silence for a few moments before Cristina cleared her throat and reinitiated conversation.

"Are we going out for drinks tonight or are you going out with him?" she asked.

"Probably going out with him," Meredith replied.

"You could bring him along," Cristina suggested half-heartedly, but Meredith knew it wasn't a genuine request.

"No, I don't think that would go over so well," she answered, not bothering to determine who it wouldn't go over well with. There were too many angles to consider. "He leaves tomorrow, though. Maybe tomorrow night?"

"Sure," Cristina responded in the flippant, non-committal way that almost made Meredith feel guilty. "I'll expect a full report on your sexcursion. It's good material for those of us who don't get weekends off with world class surgeons."

"Of course," Meredith promised. "I'd expect nothing less."

They said their goodbyes, and Meredith sank back into the chair. She continued to fidget with her cell phone, rolling it between her palms and rotating it around her hands as she thought about her weekend. She couldn't believe how complicated her life had become in the last couple days. Even though she spent at least an hour – usually more – each day talking on the phone with him or daydreaming about him, he hadn't been real. He lived mostly in her secret fantasy world where she could be herself and not worry about opinions or appearances. To say she felt disoriented by the sudden change in their relationship was an understatement.

Meredith let out an exasperated sigh and threw her phone onto the bed. Whether she wanted it or not, the genie was out of the bottle. She just hoped she'd find the clarity to know what to wish for.


	8. Chapter 8

**Author's Note: This chapter took me WAY longer to write than I had planned. It also turned out WAY longer than I expected. Funny how that works! Thanks for your patience and the feedback. If I haven't responded yet, don't worry -- I will! I just got sidetracked with some other projects these last couple weeks, and I'm still trying to catch up. And now, without further delay...Chapter 8. Enjoy!**

Meredith poured over her neurology study guide, trying to take advantage of the free time Derek had given her for the afternoon. She'd been more than a little surprised when he asked if he could drop her off at her house and borrow her jeep for a while, and then she was stunned beyond belief when he called her an hour later saying that his errands were taking longer than anticipated and he'd pick her up in a few hours. The only thing that soothed her agitation was his insistence that all of his running around was being done in preparation for their last night together, and he promised it would absolutely be worth the wait.

"Parkinson's…tremor…asleep – that one's D, disappears," Meredith mumbled as she quizzed herself with hypothetical patients and multiple choice symptoms and diagnoses. She flipped to the back of the book to check her answer and tried her best not to look ahead to the answer for the next question. She didn't even have time to read the detailed explanation for her scenario, though, before her cell phone started ringing.

Meredith reached across her bed for the cell phone while a smile crept across her face. It had to be Derek. Finally.

Except it wasn't. It was her mother's nursing home.

Meredith's body immediately tensed as she saw "Roseridge Home for Extended Care" flash across the phone's LCD screen and braced herself for the call.

"Hello?" she spoke timidly, as if she was being summoned to the principal's office without even knowing what she'd done wrong.

"Hi Dr. Grey," Ellis's primary attendant, Miss Henry, replied. "Have I caught you at a bad time?"

"No. Is everything okay?"

"Oh yes, everything's fine. It's just that your mother has been asking for you all day today and is starting to get a little…difficult."

Meredith recognized that tone of voice perfectly. It was code for "your mom's being a total pain in the ass, please come and deal with it." She rolled over onto her back and closed her eyes, trying to suppress the groan that was marinating inside of her.

"It's going to be very difficult for me to visit today," Meredith replied. She couldn't help but feel guilty as she said the words. After all, she'd had Ellis lambast her as selfish and ungrateful more than enough times throughout her life. Go figure that she could hear that voice inside her head at a moment when it might actually be true.

"I understand. I know how busy your schedule is, but it would really mean a lot to your mother," Miss Henry continued, clearly displaying her mastery of the guilt trip.

"Well, I don't have a car at the moment, and I'm afraid that my schedule tonight is impossible to work around. I promise I'll be there tomorrow, though," Meredith explained.

"Okay. Sorry to bother you, Dr. Grey," Miss Henry responded politely with poorly masked disappointment.

"Sorry," Meredith attempted one more time. "Tomorrow – I'll really be there."

"Have a good evening."

Meredith ended the call and held the phone to her chest, trying to rationalize not visiting her mother. She was normally very good about it – trying to visit every day if her schedule let her, every other day when her shifts were more chaotic. Even if it was just a quick visit while on break, Meredith tried to check in on her mother. She knew she was the only person in the world to know of Ellis's condition – the only one who could see the tremendous contrast between the sharp, talented surgeon and the distant, almost vacant form Ellis Grey had become.

She closed her eyes and heaved a large sigh. She hated shouldering the secret on her own. It wasn't the kind of thing she needed to talk about with others, but the questions always got to her. _How's your mother doing?_ She'd concocted so many cover stories about her mother's latest voyage or research project that she couldn't be sure which she'd told to whom. And that was the part that got to her – the constant lying. Especially when Ellis wasn't ever lucid enough to realize the efforts Meredith took to protect her.

But it's what Ellis would've wanted, and Meredith wasn't about to miss this last opportunity to earn her mother's approval.

Derek could be an exception, though. He could know. Meredith felt like she could potentially trust him with this secret, and he'd understand. He'd appreciate the medicine of it all, and he could support Meredith so she didn't have to do it all alone. But it wasn't the kind of thing she wanted to divulge on their last night together. It was a mood killer to be sure, and Meredith had every intention of enjoying their evening. Maybe when he went back to New York or returned to Seattle. Maybe then she could share the secret that not even Cristina had been able to extract from her.

Meredith blinked a few times and sprang up immediately as she heard the sound of the front door opening and voices downstairs.

"Meredith!" Izzie called.

Meredith could hear a male voice talking to Izzie, but she couldn't confidently determine whose voice it was.

She rolled out of bed and walked to the top of the steps, hoping to surmise why she was being summoned.

"What's up?" she asked.

"You've got company," Izzie answered as she returned to the landing. Derek stood a couple feet behind her.

Meredith blushed and fumbled for an appropriate greeting but ultimately decided her best course would be to jog downstairs and act as casually as possible. She had been expecting Derek to come back at some point today, and she didn't want Izzie to detect any awkwardness. The cooler Meredith could play it, the more likely Izzie would believe that this was a meeting of friends rather than a prelude to a date.

"I thought you were going to call me," Meredith accused Derek once she reached the lower level.

He shrugged impishly, and Meredith couldn't help but grin as she watched the way his charcoal sweater hugged his shoulders as he moved.

"I just came home to pick up some books for Alex, and he pulled up in your jeep," Izzie explained to Meredith. Her eyes continued to shift back and forth between the two of them, looking for some definite confirmation that Derek was Meredith's mystery man.

"I loaned it to him for the afternoon," Meredith responded without making eye contact. "I hope you were able to find everything you were looking for," she continued curtly towards Derek.

His eyebrows quirked upward, clearly surprised that she was continuing the façade of an exclusively professional relationship between them. "Almost. I still need to pick up a couple things for my plans, but you're going to be instrumental to that," he flirted back. His blue eyes glistened with mischief as he practically dared Meredith to try maintaining their cover.

"Are you two going out this evening?" Izzie asked.

Derek and Meredith simultaneously blurted contradictory answers. When it became clear that Meredith's "no" was raising suspicions, she decided to attempt an explanation.

"We're not going out in a 'going out' sense. It's not a romantic thing or a dating thing or anything like that. I'm just helping Dr. Shepherd learn his way around Seattle and make preparations for his move here and that sort of thing," Meredith articulated poorly as she clasped her hands together and fidgeted her thumb around the band of her watch.

Derek crossed his arms in front of his chest and smirked at her as he leaned against the stair rail. "Meredith is an outstanding tour guide," he deadpanned.

Izzie snorted and shook her head. "You two have fun with your tours or whatever," she encouraged before moving up towards her bedroom.

Derek and Meredith stood awkwardly until Izzie was sufficiently out of earshot.

"You know, if you're going to continue pretending that there's nothing going on between us, you need to become a better liar," Derek half-teased.

"What? Me? You need to become a better accomplice!" Meredith shot back, whispering in huffy tones.

"What did I do?" Derek asked innocently.

Meredith shook her head and studied him incredulously. "You know exactly what you did with all of your smirking and leaning and 'Meredith's an outstanding tour guide,'" she mocked.

"She is," Derek grinned as he leaned forward and placed his hands on her hips, locking her in place before him.

"All I'm saying is that Izzie clearly didn't buy it," Meredith pouted.

"Oh well," Derek dismissed as he laced his thumbs through Meredith's belt loops. "She was bound to find out eventually."

"She didn't have to," Meredith retorted. She balled her hands into fists and rested them against Derek's chest.

"So, what, when I get back and want to spend the night with you – which, I can tell you now will happen a lot—you're just going to sneak me in and out of the house?" Derek interrogated. The smile across his face revealed his amusement at the prospect.

"Maybe," Meredith answered. A crease formed between her eyebrows as she considered the situation.

"And maybe I can throw rocks up at your bedroom window or we can have a secret flash light code whenever I need you to let me in," he teased.

"Just as long as you don't stand out there with a boom box," Meredith snarled, pushing him away. She ended up lurching forward towards him, though, as his hands remained intertwined with the waist of her pants.

"It can't stay a secret forever," he said more seriously as he braced her against him. "I don't want it to be a secret forever."

"I know. It won't be," Meredith relented before sliding her own arms around his waist and hugging him. "I finish the program in a few years," she added before untangling herself from his grasp and heading up the stairs.

"Funny. You're a real comedian," Derek answered.

"Wait there while I get my things," Meredith instructed as she continued towards her bedroom. She couldn't help but notice that Izzie's door was open, and various items were being hurled throughout the room. She thought about ignoring it, but she knew she shouldn't. She needed to say something.

"What's wrong?" she finally asked as she settled into the door frame.

"Oh, nothing's wrong," Izzie responded through gritted teeth. "I'm just trying to find this stupid book so I can return to cover your shift while you pretend to play tour guide to Dr. Shepherd. You didn't waste any time did you, bringing him back here Friday night, spending the night with him last night. Congratulations, Meredith. Good work."

Meredith let out a frustrated sigh. This was exactly what she was afraid of.

"It's not what you think," Meredith attempted.

"Oh really?" Izzie fumed as she dumped the contents of a tote bag onto her bed. "And what do I think? That you're sleeping with the new attending – no wait, make that the new department head for the very department you want to specialize in? So while I spend hours slaving away at the hospital just to get the chance to scrub in, you create opportunities for yourself outside the hospital. As if it wasn't enough that your last name is Grey."

"It's been four months."

"Excuse me?" Izzie replied, hostility still apparent in her voice.

"Four months. I've had a thing with Derek for four months," Meredith tried to explain.

Izzie sat on her bed and studied Meredith as she waited for more information. The firing squad had lowered its weapons, but it hadn't marched away from the scene yet.

"I never expected him to be here, and I certainly didn't think we'd ever work together, so it's not what you think," Meredith continued. Her anxiety built like a geyser, and she desperately wanted Izzie to understand.

"I see," Izzie answered pensively.

It wasn't enough of a response to make Meredith feel at ease.

"And this is exactly why I probably need to end it – you and everyone else will hate me," Meredith grumbled as she folded her arms across her chest.

Izzie started buttoning and unbuttoning her brown duvet cover, smoothing out any wrinkles or bunched up pockets of the down comforter as she pondered Meredith's confession.

"All the nights when you skipped going to Joe's with us, did Derek have something to do with that?" Izzie wondered aloud. Her focus remained firmly planted on the fabric in front of her.

"I guess," Meredith admitted. Preferring a night in bed on the phone over an outing to Joe's had become fairly routine in the past couple months.

"And that's why you swore off men? Because of him?"

"Well, not at first, but…"

"This isn't just another fling for you." Izzie acknowledged as a statement rather than a question.

"I don't think so," Meredith whispered, knowing that it meant recognizing that this was so much bigger than she was prepared to handle.

Izzie looked up skeptically and simply nodded. "You should get going. He's downstairs waiting for you." A small smile crossed her lips, and for a moment, it seemed as though Izzie's agitation had evaporated.

"Yeah," Meredith agreed. "I guess I should go," she said as she started turning back toward her own bedroom. A feeling of dread made her stomach contract, however, and she turned back to Izzie. "You won't say anything, will you? To the others?"

"It's not my story to tell." Izzie's shoulders raised and fell in a shrug as if to emphasize her claim.

"Okay. Thanks," Meredith replied.

Meredith had packed her overnight bag hours ago, so finally getting out of the house was a quick process. She lugged the duffel bag over her shoulder and grabbed a pillow at Derek's insistence. Once she reached the front hallway, he intercepted her belongings, and led her out to the jeep as if it was his vehicle, not hers.

"Warm. Something warm. Did you pack something warm?" he mentally catalogued as he tottered the rear hatch toward a closed position.

"You mean besides you?" she flirted.

"I'll do my best, but you may want something else," he fired back as he slammed the hatch shut and tickled her side playfully. A delighted shriek emerged from her lips.

"I packed warm things," she assured him as soon as she caught her breath. "But where are you taking me?"

He raised his eyebrows and ignored her question as he opened the passenger side door for her and ushered her inside.

"Have I ever given you a reason not to trust me?" he asked once she sat inside.

Meredith blinked a couple times as she considered her response. She didn't think he'd ever lied to her, but she wasn't quick to proclaim her trust.

"I don't know, you did say that you're hot," she teased. "And we both know that's not true."

Derek's face contorted into mock hurt until Meredith gently smoothed her fingers along his hairline.

"I guess not," she answered more seriously.

"Tonight," he started as he cupped her hand in his, "will be perfect. Trust me." He kissed the palm of her hand and moved away from the door, giving her space to close the passenger door before he moved around to the driver's seat.

Meredith settled into her seat and sighed contentedly. As much as she badgered Derek for information, she secretly liked not being the one in charge and having him make all of the decisions, at least for a little while. It was a tremendous relief to know that someone else was calling the shots and all she had to do was sit back and enjoy the ride. It was a far cry from everything she experienced at work and with her mother. Maybe it was why she enjoyed being with him so much.

The couple sat quietly as Derek navigated the streets of Seattle like a lifelong resident rather than a newcomer. At the very least, he seemed to have the route from Meredith's house to the docks memorized as he took her there without requiring any assistance.

"We're taking a ferryboat?" Meredith asked as Derek pulled into a line of cars heading for the Bainbridge vessel.

Derek merely smiled and nodded. He extended his hand over to Meredith and interlaced his fingers with hers. "I happen to like ferryboats," he explained.

"I do, too," she agreed, squeezing his hand as she said it. A feeling of dread began welling up inside her. It wasn't the night ahead that she dreaded, but the days after when Derek would be on the other side of the country and the euphoric feeling of being with him was gone. She wasn't sure which was worse – her life before she knew what she was missing or the life of the next two weeks when she'd feel his absence acutely.

Once the boat was completely loaded, Derek and Meredith meandered along the passenger deck hand-in-hand, taking in the sounds around them. The weekend travelers on the ferryboat differed from the weekday crowd in some noticeable ways. There seemed to be a larger tourist crowd, or at the very least, the Seattle natives were traveling to Bainbridge for leisure rather than work. In addition, there were far more children on board, and parents could be heard issuing warnings such as "don't run" or "stay close." It was ironic that Meredith wanted to issue those warnings to Derek as well.

"You know, you could always come back to New York with me. Take a little vacation?" Derek proposed. The tone of his voice was playful, but the hopeful glimmer in his eyes suggested that maybe he was serious.

"Yeah, right" Meredith dismissed.

"It's just a couple weeks. You could 'study abroad' at Mount Sinai with me," he continued.

"Derek," Meredith started, nervous laughter escaping in her voice. "I can't. You know that I can't." She didn't need to explain. They both knew the laundry list of reasons why that was an impossible prospect for a surgical intern.

Derek's face fell and a small laugh escaped his lips, as if he were laughing at himself, mostly.

Meredith snaked her arms around his torso and pressed her head against his chest. Her eyelids fell closed, and her lungs filled with the misty sea air.

"You'll be back soon," she reminded herself aloud.

"And I'll make you miss me while I'm gone," Derek added. He held her tightly and kissed the top of her head as he nudged her closer to the side guardrail.

"Perhaps," Meredith murmured. Her fingers slid along his shoulder blades and toward his spine as if she needed to memorize the feel of each muscle and bone connecting to his spinal column.

"A couple weeks apart won't be so bad. Just enjoy tonight and don't worry about tomorrow," Derek played along as he worked to convince Meredith that he was as unaffected as she was.

"Right."

"Okay then."

They continued to snuggle against each other in comfortable silence as they watched the Seattle skyline shrink and Bainbridge Island expand before them. The sun was moving lower in the sky, casting everything in a warm orange glow.

"You know what's great about Seattle? You can see the sunrise _and_ the sunset over water," Derek remarked in disbelief as they continued to stare out across Puget Sound.

"It's a peninsula – surrounded by water on three sides." Meredith hesitated before adding, "Isn't Manhattan an island?"

"Not the same. Less water, more skyscrapers," Derek answered. "And it's not green there. I think I'd forgotten how much I missed trees."

"So you bought a piece of land in the middle of nowhere to make up for lost time?" she teased. She could feel the tension melting away as they returned to their familiar banter.

"Precisely." The fact that there was only a hint of sarcasm in his voice made Meredith pause.

"Growing up, I always thought I'd end up in a big city. I mean, Seattle's big, but it's not like New York or Chicago or anything," Meredith said. She tucked a piece of hair behind her ear to stop it from flapping in the wind like a kite before a storm. "Even Boston felt bigger."

"But you decided to stay here?"

Meredith smiled wistfully. "I guess I did. I don't know when or why or how, but I needed to come home for my mom after medical school, and now I can't imagine leaving Seattle."

"You came home for your mom?" Derek probed.

"To take care of her house while she traveled so she wouldn't sell it," Meredith explained. She hesitated slightly, wondering if it constituted a lie or a half-truth and whether or not she should just spill everything to Derek. But as honest as they were being with each other, Meredith couldn't bring herself to open up completely. Some things were better left for another time, and she already felt as exposed and vulnerable as she was willing to risk.

Derek grunted in understanding. Apparently it was a credible cover story for Meredith's true motives.

"You know, if you asked me a year ago if I would move to Seattle, I would've said 'not a chance,'" he confessed.

"So what changed?"

"I don't know. I guess I just spent a lot of time these last several months reevaluating things – choices I've made, goals for myself – and New York doesn't really fit that anymore," he said. His voice contained undercurrents of apprehension and regret despite the confidence he exhibited in decisions to take a job in Seattle Grace and buy land on Bainbridge.

"Was this some sort of 'oh-my-god-I'm-almost-forty' kind of thing?" Meredith pried.

Derek snickered, causing a brief gust of warm breath to hit Meredith's neck. "Something like that," he admitted.

"Well, whatever it is, I'm glad you had it," Meredith said.

"Yeah," he agreed.

The boat eventually docked at Bainbridge Island, and a sea of passengers exited in lines of cars and clusters of pedestrians. While everyone was moving as quickly as possible to disembark, Meredith seemed caught in a slow motion scene as she waited. Her curiosity about their date was getting the better of her, and she felt like a little girl counting down days, hours, and minutes until Christmas.

Once Meredith's jeep cleared the ferry traffic and set out on a main road, Derek pulled his cell phone out and began dialing.

"Hey," he said as he slowed for a stop light. "Just wanted to let you know that we're less than twenty minutes away. Everything going okay?" He paused and listened to the voice on the other end. "Excellent. Thanks again for your help with this…uh-huh…we'll definitely be in touch…okay, thanks…bye."

He tossed his cell phone into the cup holder without even glancing at Meredith, but she could tell by his smug expression that he was quite pleased with himself.

"Reservations?" Meredith probed.

Derek's lower lip jutted out slightly as he shook his head back and forth. "Nope," he acknowledged.

Meredith nodded and glanced up at the ceiling of her vehicle, searching for other possibilities. "Do you have a friend here that we're visiting?" she attempted.

"No," he answered calmly, although a small dimple appeared in his cheek as he smiled. "I don't really know anyone here. Just you and Richard."

Meredith folded her arms across her chest and stared out the window. They were moving away from the cute shops and restaurants and into the more rural parts of the island, but the drive still felt familiar from the earlier visit to the land Derek was buying.

"Are we going back to your land?" she guessed, unable to think of any other possibilities.

Derek's eyebrows raised considerably, causing creases to appear across his forehead. "I'm a man of mystery, Meredith. You're just gonna have to be patient," he teased. He reached into an overhead compartment and pulled out his sunglasses.

Meredith rolled her eyes and smiled. "You? Not so mysterious. Not really mysterious at all, actually. But I'll humor you," she sighed mockingly.

"I think you'll do a whole lot more than just humor me," he chided.

Now it was Meredith's turn to raise her eyebrows in suspicion.

"You'll humor me and like it," he teased.

Meredith laughed a small, sprite-like giggle, causing Derek to beam proudly. He reached over and took Meredith's hand, drawing it to his lips before resting their interlocked hands against his knee. The place where his lips had been felt instantly cooler than the rest of her hand as the moisture evaporated. She shuddered involuntarily and smiled in embarrassment at her reaction.

"Sorry. Humoring you," she mumbled.

Derek laughed and squeezed her hand as they continued navigating into a more sparsely populated section of the island. They were unquestionably heading to Derek's land now, and as he released her hand to wave at an oncoming driver, Meredith was reminded of his unusual phone call.

"Who's that?" she wondered aloud.

"My realtor," Derek answered. "I may have solicited her assistance as a condition of sealing the deal on the property." The corner of his lip quirked upward in an impish grin.

"Derek!"

"What? She's getting a huge commission off this, and she barely did anything. Trust me – she was happy to secure her paycheck," he defended.

"So what did you have her do?" Meredith pressed.

"You'll see."

The pavement gave way to a dirt road that Derek followed for the remaining few minutes of the drive. Eventually lights flickered in the distant clearing, and Meredith gasped as the elaborate camp he'd set up for the two of them came into view. The area was squared off by ground-level stake lights, and a large outdoor fireplace was set up in the center of the area, close enough to their tent to provide some nearby warmth, but not too close to pose a fire hazard.

"In my defense, I set everything up. I just had her get the fire started so it would be going when we got here," he clarified proudly as he watched her reaction.

"Wow," she gasped. "It's…" She unhooked her seatbelt and sprinted out the door to inspect the set up even further. A picnic basket and cooler flanked the side of the tent, and a quick glance inside revealed a king-sized air mattress with several blankets, pillows, and sleeping bags piled on top.

Derek grinned wildly as Meredith studied the scene. "Is this okay?"

Meredith's green eyes darted back toward Derek in disbelief. It wasn't even a real question. Even if she never imagined a campout among her top ten choices for "perfect date," Derek had gone to such great lengths to set everything up for them, she didn't need any persuasion to love it.

"I thought you said I needed to pack warm things," Meredith challenged. "It looks like there are enough blankets in there to heat a village." She gestured toward the inside of the tent, and her eyes glistened gleefully.

"Well," Derek started, somewhat sheepish, "I was kinda counting on you being naked when we're in there."

Meredith raised her eyebrows at him before pulling off her sweater. "I guess we should test it out now in case we need to run out and get more blankets later, then," she suggested before ducking into the tent.

"I guess so," Derek quickly agreed. Within seconds his sweater and tee shirt were flung to a corner of the tent, and Meredith was sinking into the air mattress. She started unbuttoning her shirt to spare him the effort.

"I brought condoms," she declared.

"So did I," Derek answered as he batted her hands out of the way so he could finish removing her shirt for her. He buried his lips against her neck as he worked lower down her blouse, heat radiating off him as if the fire had trailed inside the tent. "All day, I've waited—"

"Me too," Meredith interrupted. Her mouth kissed greedily along his shoulder, and her fingers kneaded into his back. Her whole body had been on high alert since their thwarted sexual encounter that morning, and now she just wanted to take, take, take.

She pushed him over onto his back and crawled on top of him before he even had a chance to react. His eyes grew large as she started grinding against him like they were teenagers with the house to themselves for a ten minute window. Low pitched grunts worked their way out each time he exhaled, and his hands slipped beneath the lace of her bra.

"You're still…we're still…clothes," he managed to mutter.

"Yeah," Meredith acknowledged as she slowed down and rolled off him to finish undressing. Her body was flushed and warm despite the cool outdoor temperature, probably because of the quick pace she was constantly moving at.

Derek kicked off his pants and boxers before pulling out a condom and handing it to her. He leaned back against a pile of pillows, and his Adam's apple bobbed as he swallowed hard in anticipation.

Wasting no time, Meredith tore into the foil wrapper and stroked Derek a couple times before rolling the latex down his length. Her fingers felt oily from the lubricant, but she wiped them off on the blankets before dragging her nails over his chest. She hovered over him, her face millimeters from his so that she could feel the humid bursts of air coming out of his mouth. But she didn't draw him into her yet.

"You've just been full of surprises today," she whispered.

His eyes shot open, blinking in confusion.

"I feel like I need to reciprocate somehow." She positioned herself against his tip, letting him dip mere centimeters inside her.

His eyebrows moved together in panic. "Wha—what are you doing?" he panted.

She moved her hips clockwise, then counterclockwise and back again while he lingered just barely inside of her. "Surprising you," she finally growled as she thrust down on him, taking him completely.

Derek groaned in uninhibited ecstasy. His voice became higher pitched and desperate, however, when Meredith immediately lifted off him again. His blue eyes blazed wildly, piercing her as his body begged to have her back.

"Do you want me, Derek?"

"Yes," he pled.

"Are you sure?" she teased as she granted him temporary access once again. She wasn't sure who was being tormented more by this process, and as she felt her own body start to tremble against him, she knew she couldn't keep this torture up for long.

"Meredith, I just…I need…" His hands extended toward her hips, grasping them firmly as he tried to force her down. For a moment she considered stopping him, but then she thought better of it.

"I know," she relented as her eyes drifted shut, and she relaxed her muscles to accommodate him completely. Even though she was the one on top, he was driving her against him, lifting and lowering her body as he bucked into her with frenetic rhythm.

Meredith leaned forward and hooked her arms around his shoulders for better leverage against him, and she kissed his mouth hungrily, mewing as their tongues met. Her world was spinning into a delirious blur as her body went into sensory overload. He smelled clean and woodsy with a hint spice. He tasted like the breath mint he popped in the jeep, but with a hint of saltiness from recent perspiration. She could hear him panting and grunting as their kissing intensified, but the sense most overwhelmed was the one triggered by the feel of his body touching hers.

His skin was slick and warm as the friction built between them. His hands continued their push-pull routine against her hips as they bucked against each other, and she felt an increasingly familiar swell build inside her as he moved in and out, in and out, pulsing, straining, needing. She wanted to fight the orgasm and linger in this suspended state of blissful anticipation a little longer, but the persistent thrum of his pelvis grinding against hers wouldn't allow it. She felt her body twitch and spasm, writhing into release. Her first instinct was to bury her screams in Derek's mouth as she continued kissing him, but it wasn't enough. They were practically suffocating each other, and she needed air. She tipped her head up and let out a string of incoherent vowels as her body pulsed and trembled for what felt like an eternity but still wasn't long enough. She collapsed back against him, burying her head on his shoulder, and felt his rhythm slow as her body became limp.

She blinked as he kissed her jaw and moved his hands to her back, caressing the damp curves of her skin along the way. Her heart was still thudding in her chest, pounding its way up to her ears, as she fought to catch her breath.

"Here, let's…" Derek started as he rolled her over and effectively traded places without ever breaking their connection.

"You didn't?" Meredith whispered. She'd been so self-absorbed in her own climax, she'd just assumed his world had been similarly rocked.

"Not yet," he answered. "Close." He smoothed back the hair framing her face and hesitated to stare at her for a moment before resuming his slowly building rhythm.

Meredith found herself completely lost in his gaze, and a flood of emotions began welling up inside her. She was fascinated by his sounds and expressions – the way a throaty, low-pitched hum came out of his pursed lips and the way he either closed his eyes or watched her but never looked anywhere else. She was astounded by how compatible they seemed to be – sexually, intellectually, and emotionally – and she dreaded the thought of losing that connection, even temporarily. She would never be the kind of girl that let herself believe in love at first sight or soul mates, but Derek was coming pretty damn close.

Despite every self-promise and wiser instinct to the contrary, Meredith Grey was falling in love. And she knew there was nothing she could do to stop it.

She squeezed her eyes shut and contracted her muscles around the length of him, triggering the reaction she sought.

"Oh, god…Oh…" he roared in her ear as he thrust a few more times into her before winding to a stop. He snaked his arms beneath her and held her close. His breath came and went in short, gasping spurts and his hair was damp as Meredith ran her fingers through it.

"You have no idea what you do to me," Meredith confessed.

Derek opened his eyes and studied her flushed face. The corners of his mouth quirked upward before spreading into a large grin. He kissed the tip of her nose and then withdrew from her, shocking her with a sensation of vacancy and abandonment.

She gasped. Her eyes burned with tears that seemed to spring up from nowhere, and she blinked rapidly to try to push them back. She felt one roll out the corner of her eye and drip into her ear, but Derek didn't seem to notice.

He was leaving tomorrow. He would be gone and all of this would vanish.

Two weeks was starting to feel like two years. Two decades. Two millennia.

_But he's here now,_ she thought.

Derek finished dealing with the condom and pulled the assortment of blankets and sleeping bags up around them. His arm stretched behind her, inviting her to snuggle in close and rest her head against his chest. She listened to the strong, steady sounds of his lungs filling with air and his heart beating a soothing rhythm as she waited for him to speak. She didn't trust any words of her own.

"I'd offer you dinner, but I don't feel like moving just yet," Derek sighed as he gently rubbed the palm of his hand up and down her arm. "I hope you don't mind."

"I don't mind."

"Good."

The moments ticked away in silence. Under different circumstances, Meredith was pretty sure she could have fallen asleep, but the last thing she wanted was to waste their evening in a lapse of consciousness. She would fight sleep as long as possible.

"Maybe I won't get a trailer," Derek mused. "Maybe I'll just keep the tent."

Meredith snorted in shock.

"What?" he said. "I'll stay at your place on the really cold nights, shower at the hospital, it's perfect really."

She could tell by the tone of his voice that he was just playing around, but she went along with it.

"Do you, I don't know, own things? Maybe things requiring electricity?" she asked.

"Nothing of real value," he dismissed.

"What about your sweaters and suits. I've seen you in an awful lot of cashmere the last couple days. I can't imagine that will last in the tent," she countered.

"Hmmm. You raise an interesting point. Do you have an extra drawer?"

"Not one big enough for your wardrobe," Meredith giggled.

"All right," he groaned. "I guess I'll have to get a trailer for my clothes, but maybe I'll sleep in the tent."

"And then when you get cold in the middle of the night, you can come back to the trailer and crawl in bed with me."

"You don't like the tent?" he asked with fake disappointment. His hand had roamed up from her arm to comb through her hair.

"The tent is great, but there are things I love more about tonight."

"Such as?"

"You," she reacted. The moment she realized she had said that out loud, her eyes grew wide and she gulped. "Uh, making me dinner and having sex. Those things are great. I _love_ those things," she managed with a little too much enthusiasm in an effort to cover up her confession.

Derek repositioned himself so she could see his look of amused skepticism.

"You did make dinner, right? Didn't you say we'd have dinner soon? I'm actually getting kinda hungry, and I thought you said something about dinner a few minutes ago," she continued in a fidgety, completely scattered way.

"Sure, let's get dinner." His smile covered most of his face as he scooted off the mattress and located his clothes so he could get dressed again.

Meredith heaved a sigh of relief. If he caught her in her slip up – which she was pretty sure he did – at least he didn't say anything about it. At least he was kind enough to just let it go and not dwell on it like he could have. It was humiliating enough without needing additional commentary.

The chilly night air greeted Meredith as soon as Derek left the tent and she emerged from the blankets. She quickly gathered her clothes and threw on an extra layer of clothing to boot. Even though they'd be next to the fire outside, she had a tendency to get cold, and it would be much easier to pull off layers than come back into the tent to put more on.

She pulled her hair into a loose ponytail and walked outdoors to see what Derek was doing with dinner. She hadn't even noticed it before, but he had a small table with two canvas folding chairs off to the side, and he was carefully unpacking a picnic basket with selections from the Whole Foods market.

"I wasn't entirely sure what to get," he admitted as he saw her approaching. "So I just got a bunch of things and figured we'd eat whatever we were in the mood for. There's cheese, grapes, sandwiches, a couple different salads—"

"It looks great," she interrupted.

He glanced up from the table and looked at her, almost unsure of how to proceed.

"Really. It's good," she reassured with a warm smile.

Derek nodded. The way he looked at her with his piercing blue eyes reflecting the flames from the fire and his endless expression of fascination and awe was enough to make her want to melt.

"There's wine, too. Let me get the wine out," he remembered as he walked over to the cooler.

Meredith sat down at the table and draped her napkin over her lap as she waited for him to uncork the bottle, pour their glasses, and sit down across from her.

"I usually don't drink this much wine," he confessed as they started sampling the food. "I'm more of a scotch drinker. Or beer."

"So you've gone all girly for me?"

"I guess," he responded, laughing as he said it. "I don't mind though. It's nice actually."

"I tend towards tequila. Beer works too." Meredith took a large sip of her wine to wash down her bite of a pesto chicken sandwich. "But this is good."

"See, we should've had this conversation earlier. I could've set up tequila shots as one of our activities tonight."

"That would've been a disaster," Meredith giggled.

"Why? Can't handle your liquor?" he teased.

"I can handle it fine. But the idea of taking care of your tequila-drunk ass could definitely put a damper on this evening," she fired back. "Besides, the wine is nice. Sexy even. It fits."

"Good, because there's a lot more of it," he answered, pulling out the bottle to refill their glasses.

The sun was setting to the west, casting the night sky in vibrant bands of oranges, crimsons, violets, and indigos. While clouds scattered throughout the sky, they weren't threatening rain anytime soon. They weren't threatening anything but the onset of night and the possible obstruction of star-gazing.

"I may be breaking rule number one for bringing this up," Derek began cautiously, "but I can't imagine coming back and not being with you."

"I know," she agreed. Her voice was barely audible over the crackle of the fire.

"And we can try to hide it, I guess, but that's going to be difficult, at least for me."

"Me too."

"So I think I'm going to disclose our relationship to Richard when I get back, and if you want to be a part of that conversation, you can, but I can't come into this situation and be your teacher without him knowing. And he needs to hear it from me first," Derek explained. He seemed relieved to get it all out without opposition from Meredith. "If I thought this was just some cheap fling…"

"But it's not?" Meredith questioned even though she knew the answer.

"You think it is?" His voice became higher pitched, defensive almost.

"No. I don't think that at all."

"Me neither."

"But what do you think this is, then?"

"I don't know yet," he confessed. "I just know that the more I'm with you, the more I want to be with you. I feel different – better – when I'm with you."

Meredith blushed, embarrassed that she had fished that out of him.

"What if Dr. Webber says we can't work together?" she pressed, suddenly concerned.

"He won't."

"It's a real possibility, Derek. Don't be so dismissive."

"I think I'll be scrutinized to make sure that I don't favor you or treat you unprofessionally, but I don't think he'll stop us from working together," he argued. He didn't seem entirely confident, but his explanation at least seemed reasonable.

Meredith fidgeted with her wine glass, mulling over their predicament. She knew he was right. It terrified her to admit it, but there was no going back. She couldn't imagine them not resuming their relationship when he came back, and she knew she wasn't stealthy enough to keep it hidden, not when they'd be together every day at work and home.

"I'll go with you – to talk to him – if you want me to," she finally agreed.

"Really?" His expression perked up immediately, as if he had just witnessed a barrage of fireworks go off in the background.

"Sure," she conceded. She couldn't help but smile at his reaction, even if she felt her spine whither into a pile of jelly when she was around him.

"Thank you," he spoke softly. He stood up and leaned over the table to kiss her, nearly knocking over his wine glass in the process. "You don't know how much that means to me."

"Are we going too fast, though? I don't think I want to slow down, but I don't know…maybe we're going too fast, making plans, planning things and… stuff," Meredith thought aloud.

"It's not too fast," Derek decided. He moved his chair to the side of the table so that he was sitting next to her rather than across from her and draped his arm around the back of her chair.

"It's not?"

"We've known each other for months. Even if we've only seen each other these last couple days, it doesn't make the rest of the times we've wanted to be together go away."

"I guess you're right. I just feel—"

"Disoriented?"

"Yeah."

"Me too," he agreed. "But in a good way."

"Yeah," she whispered.

They finished most of the food while a deep, dark blue crowded out the remaining colors in the sky. The temperature felt much cooler as nighttime settled around them, and Meredith started to yearn for the pile of blankets inside the tent. She helped clean up the leftovers while Derek spread out a couple blankets for them beside the fire. She then decided to take the wine bottle and their glasses with her as she settled onto the blanket beside him.

Derek seemed to be looking out over the horizon, studying the property that was soon to be his, and Meredith couldn't help but watch. He seemed so peaceful and optimistic that it was almost contagious.

"So, if you were going to build a house here, what features would you want?" Derek asked as his focus turned back to her. He refilled her glass of wine before sprawling his legs out in front of them and kicking his feet from side to side like a restless child.

Meredith took a large sip from her glass as she avoided answering the question. She wasn't sure where he was going with it, and she had already revealed too much willingness to sustain their relationship upon his return. Even if she felt ready to acknowledge their relationship, she wasn't prepared to start planning their dream house together. Even if a not-so-small part of her wanted to live the dream.

Derek must have sensed her apprehension because he continued. "I ask because by the time the house is actually built, you'll be sleeping over so much that you might as well be living here. Or I'll be so sick of Seattle that I'll need to sell it, and you could be a good buyer." He leaned into her playfully, nudging her shoulder before rocking back into an upright position. Her chardonnay swirled against the edge of her wine glass, but none spilled out.

"Well, if I were buying it," Meredith sighed, though the expression on her face revealed that she was actually imagining his first scenario, "I'd want a big porch facing this direction – back towards Seattle."

Their gazes fixed on the lights of the Seattle skyline and the flickering reds and yellows of distant stars and airplanes flying high in the atmosphere.

"I could definitely see that," Derek said. He leaned back on the blanket and stretched out beside Meredith. He propped his head against his right hand and held his wine glass beside him in his left. Shadows from the fire danced across his body, covering him in a soft glow against the red flannel blanket. "Maybe a big swing on it, like the one on your front porch," he added.

Meredith's lips drew up into a nostalgic smile as she followed Derek's lead and sprawled beside him on the blanket. "I used to love rocking in that swing at night," she admitted.

"You don't anymore?" he asked. Even in the dim light of the fire, Meredith could see the concerned crease cover his forehead.

"It doesn't work," she answered. "Hasn't worked since…since my dad left," Meredith confessed. She wasn't sure if it was the wine or the intimacy of the situation, but she felt oddly comfortable sharing at least a few details about her family with him. She and Derek were so removed from the rest of the world at this point, it was as if his land was their own private sanctuary where whispered secrets and midnight confessions were permitted.

"How long ago was that?" Derek prodded gently.

"Oh, gosh, ages ago. I was four? Five? Five. He left when I was five," Meredith gradually remembered. It wasn't something she thought about often, and certainly such memories were rarely voluntary. Usually they only happened when Ellis complained about Thatcher as if it was 1980 all over again. In her mind, it very well may have been.

"Do you ever talk to him?" Derek finished his wine and moved the glass off the blanket so he could drape his arm against her hip.

"No, we haven't talked since he left. I thought when I moved back into my mom's house, I'd find some secret drawer of old letters or birthday gifts he'd sent me, but so far, nothing has surfaced," Meredith admitted aloud for the first time.

"I'm sure there's a reason for it. I can't imagine he'd cut you out of his life if he could help it," Derek soothed.

Meredith huffed skeptically. "And I'm sure you came from the perfect family with the dog and the white picket fence."

"Hardly," Derek choked. His eyes dropped to the blanket and trailed the shadows between their bodies until it became obvious that Meredith was waiting for him to take his turn and share something about his past. "I grew up in a house full of women. Four sisters – the kind that are completely incapable of minding their own business. And then there was my mom who worked multiple jobs and still managed to cook dinner every night and attend all of our activities."

"Your dad left too?" Meredith pressed.

"Not by choice. He died when I was ten," Derek revealed carefully.

"Oh. Sorry." Meredith bit down on her lower lip and silently cursed herself for bringing it up. She could tell from Derek's body language that he was probably as guarded about this stuff as she was.

"How did we get on this subject again?" Derek eventually asked to break the silence between them.

"The porch swing, I think," Meredith answered.

"Right," Derek nodded. His expression softened into a smile that caused the corners of his eyes to crinkle slightly. "The porch swing."

"Bathtubs are good, too," Meredith added as she tried to steer the conversation back towards important features for Derek's dream house.

"I'm generally a fan of good personal hygiene," he teased. "I can promise you there will be at least one tub in the house."

"No, I don't think you understand," she continued. "I'm not talking about your run of the mill tub. I'm talking about the big kind that is conducive to bubble baths."

"Hmmmm, I see," Derek answered. He shifted closer on the blanket so the lower halves of their bodies were flush against each other. He draped his arm around her waist and slid his fingers beneath her shirt to draw lazy circles against the small of her back. "That sounds nice. Maybe one of those huge garden tubs that we could curl up in after a long shift."

"Mmm-hmm," Meredith purred.

"We'd get home, and you'd be tired. Stressed. Overworked. So I'd start a bath, light a few candles, maybe pour a couple glasses of wine and put on some soft music," Derek continued.

Meredith shifted as she felt her arousal rekindling. "Go on," she encouraged.

"You'd slip out of your clothes. Maybe wrap a towel around yourself to be modest even though I've worshipped every beautiful inch of your body since the moment I laid eyes on you." He placed his mouth on her clavicle, laving it with his tongue while his palm splayed against her back. It was as if currents of electricity were being unleashed through Meredith's body, and she trembled with need.

She gasped and squirmed and relished the sensation.

"You'd pin your hair up so it wouldn't get wet, but you'd have these amazing, kissable wisps dancing around your neck, and I wouldn't be able to resist tasting them," he growled as he rolled on top of her. He nuzzled the sweet spot below her ear that somehow caused her to moan involuntarily every time he touched it.

"I'd get in first to make sure the water was the right temperature, and then you'd follow, leaning back against me in the tub as I wrap my arms and legs around you," he continued. "We'd take turns washing each other down, but I'd probably give a little extra attention to certain parts that seemed dirtier than the rest."

Meredith squealed as his hand cupped and squeezed her breast to let her know exactly what parts he had in mind.

"That would be your whole body," she managed. "You're _super _dirty."

"Then we'd just have to take our time. Make it last all night," he said between kisses.

"Mmmmm…" she purred as he nibbled at her earlobe. "All night? Show me."

Derek met her eyes momentarily, appreciating the dare before returning to his sweet, painfully slow exploration of her body. Unlike the rushed, desperate sex of their arrival, they both had every intention of making this night last as long as possible. There was an urgency to savor each sensation, memorize each moan, and relish each element of romance while they still had it. Neither one could suppress the idea that when the sun returned and a new day started, their utopia would be shattered and Derek would be gone.


	9. Chapter 9

**Author's Note: You all deserve an award for being worlds of patient on this chapter. The busiest time of my whole year is now behind me, so I promise—no more month-and-a-half long waits between chapters. Thanks as well for all the amazing feedback. It truly brightens my day like nothing else. And finally, special thanks to my dearly beloved beta for putting up with me and all my crap. Done stalling; here's your chapter…**

The Seattle springtime rain beat against the tall hospital windows in a thrum barely audible from the bridge. It wasn't a heavy rain; just a persistent string of plinks that hit the glass and cascaded down like miniature waterfalls as Meredith watched. It was the first moment she'd had to herself all day after dealing with a multi-car pileup produced by slick, wet roads, and now that the adrenaline rush was gone, the bridge was as good a place as any to collect her thoughts.

Meredith absent-mindedly fiddled with her cell phone as she leaned over the rail and peered into the empty waiting area below. Ordinarily she'd spend this time mentally regurgitating every surgical cut and stitch, locking the memory in place for future reference. But tonight, the critical audience in her head insisted on watching one scene over and over again like a film reel that kept on looping.

_"Meredith, wake up. I don't want you to miss this," Derek insisted with more enthusiasm than Meredith thought possible. He crouched over her, smoothing her hair against her scalp and carefully placing soft kisses along her hairline. _

_"I'm awake," she answered, although the groggy slur of syllables may have been indecipherable. _

_"If you're awake, I should be able to see the green eyes behind those lids," he teased as his fingertips slid along her cheekbone. _

_Meredith blinked, slowly adjusting to the dim light from Derek's nearby flashlight._

_"Better," he acknowledged. Even in near total darkness, his eyes seemed to sparkle a brilliant blue like dark sapphires under a showroom light._

_"What time is it?" Meredith asked. She didn't feel like she'd been asleep for long, but after a night full of stargazing and lovemaking, she wasn't particularly confident in her grasp on reality anymore._

_"A little after five. C'mon. We'll take the sleeping bags with us," he urged. He tugged gently on the blankets piled around her naked body, and it didn't take her long to realize that he was already fully dressed. How could she have missed him untangling their bodies and escaping the air mattress?_

_Meredith reluctantly crawled out of the warm cocoon and slowly piled back on the layers of clothing Derek had spent a fair part of the night stripping off her. She wasn't thrilled by the prospect of leaving the tent, but given comparatively worse items on her to do list such as saying goodbye and returning to work, she wasn't about to complain._

_Derek gathered the sleeping bags and blankets and slipped out of the tent, blasting Meredith with a wave of cold outdoor air in the process. She shivered as she finished dressing, and then ran to catch up with him._

_"The sun's coming up soon," he explained as he repositioned their blankets closer to the edge of a steep embankment overlooking the rest of the island and Puget Sound. A few lights glimmered below them, but it was mostly just outdoor lights and street lamps. The rest of the world was still asleep._

_Meredith let out a small chuckle even though her eyes were filling with tears. _

_He had to do this. He had to be that guy that capitalized on every possible romantic moment before saying goodbye. _

_She couldn't help but sniffle as she wiped at her eyes._

_"Mere?" Derek's face was drawn in concern as he stopped and looked at her._

_"It's nothing," she insisted. She started laughing at herself, but it only made the tears fall faster. "I just get overly emotional when I'm tired, and—"_

_"Meredith," he repeated in a disbelieving tone. He dropped the blanket to the ground and moved toward her, ready to wrap her up in his arms if she'd just let him._

_"Why do you have to do this? All of this! Any of this! Because I am trying so hard not to get completely attached to you before you leave, and then you go and do all of these wonderful, amazing, romantic things to make me hate being away from you. And I hate wanting to be with you now. I'm not that girl, Derek, and you're making me be that girl!"_

_Derek's head tilted adoringly to one side as he watched her mini-tantrum. His expression revealed that he was equally torn between laughing and crying._

_"Say something! Shut me up before I say something else I'll regret!" Meredith insisted._

_Derek's eyes grew wide with awe. "I…I can't. I don't know what to say. I…You…" He took a deep breath and moved toward her. "I don't know myself when I'm with you either," he whispered._

_Meredith's eyes drifted toward the ground, staring at the frost-tipped blades of grass that crinkled beneath their feet. She watched as Derek's weight shifted from one leg to another as he stood before her. _

_"My life is starting all over again. New job, new place, new relationship—this is my fresh start. I need these two weeks to go by so I can be this guy all the time. I need a chance to get things right. I need—I need to see you smile." His voice broke off as his lips curled contagiously upward. "And I need to start this morning watching the sun rise over Seattle with you in my arms. Is that okay?"_

_Meredith sighed, completely helpless as she smiled back at him and nodded. She interlaced her fingers with his and walked toward the blankets to settle in and snuggle against him as the sky slowly brightened._

"Waiting for him to call?" Izzie asked.

Meredith jumped at the sudden interruption in her daydream. "Huh?"

Izzie glanced knowingly down at the cell phone still clutched in Meredith's hand before meeting her eyes. "You look like you're waiting for a call or something," Izzie mused.

"Oh," Meredith sighed. She was ready to deny it – she hadn't even realized that she'd taken her phone out of her pocket – but even she thought it would be too transparent. All she could do was shrug.

"Did you two have a good time last night?" Izzie probed. She leaned against the steel bridge rail and stared out at the night sky through the windows, correctly sensing that Meredith wouldn't want to make eye contact while they talked about Derek.

"Yeah, we did. We definitely did," Meredith admitted softly.

"When's he coming back?"

"Two weeks."

"And has he called since his flight or anything?"

"No," Meredith acknowledged with more disappointment than she intended. She stuffed the phone back in the pocket of her scrubs, but continued to run her fingers over its plastic case as if she needed the assurance that it was still there, like it would jump off the bridge without her constant touch.

"He'll call. He seems like the kind of guy who'll call," Izzie assured.

Meredith laughed. "God, I've become pathetic, haven't I? Sappy, pathetic, lame-ass…"

Izzie couldn't help but grin. "You know, there have been many times that I've been jealous of you—your last name, the talent that seemed to land you great surgeries even before this thing with Shepherd—but right now? Not so jealous."

"Gee, thanks, Izz," Meredith said as she rolled her eyes. At least Izzie seemed less irritated by the situation.

"No problem," Izzie replied, leaning in to nudge Meredith playfully in the process. "I'm going down to the vending machines and then off to study. Want anything?"

"I'm fine, thanks," Meredith answered as she pulled the phone back out of her pocket and returned to fidgeting absentmindedly with it, debating whether or not she should call.

"Okay. Well, I hope he calls," Izzie sing-songed as she drifted across the bridge.

"Me too," Meredith mumbled beneath her breath. She glanced down at her phone again, hoping maybe she'd missed something—a voicemail or a text—but of course she hadn't. And it was already after two in New York, so it was far too late to call. She decided she'd just watch the rain and unravel her thoughts for a few more minutes before hitting the books herself.

_"I'm sorry I didn't let you get more sleep. Are you going to be okay for your shift?" Derek asked as they drove back towards the ferry. It had taken them about an hour to pack up the campsite into Meredith's jeep, and then Derek was gracious enough to volunteer to drive again. _

_"I'll be fine," Meredith replied, masking the disappointment she felt at having to return to reality. _

_"Hopefully it won't be too busy so you can catch a nap or something," Derek suggested. The streets were virtually vacant as they cruised along the winding roads toward the more civilized part of the island. _

_"Actually, I'd rather that it's busy so that I can live off adrenaline and not have time to think about being tired," she said._

_"Spoken like a real surgeon." Derek laughed and nodded in approval before feathering his fingers through his dark hair. He shifted awkwardly in the driver's seat, and sighed softly, bringing the conversation to a stand-still. _

_Meredith toyed with a few strands of hair as she stared out the window at the canopy of trees on each side of the road._

_"I guess you'll be pretty busy once you get back to New York, too," Meredith eventually started, still trying to figure out how to manage these last couple hours with him._

_"Yeah, I will. Lots of loose ends that need tying up and stuff. But like you said, busy is good," Derek concluded._

_"Yeah, so if you're too busy to call and stuff these next couple—"_

_"Seriously?" Derek interrupted. "You think I'm going to go from spending this amazing weekend with you to not calling? You think I'm that guy?" _

_"Well, no, I just—"_

_"I'll call you. Tonight even. I'll call you tonight. All the stuff we were doing before I came out here? None of that's changing. At least, not on my end," Derek insisted._

_"Mine either," Meredith sighed._

_"Good, it better not. Besides, how else are we going to test our skills at phone sex?" he teased._

_"I have no idea," she answered between giggles as she imagined their conversations shifting from spinal fluids to lubricants. _

_"I mean, it's not like we'll have these two week breaks from each other often. We need to take advantage of it while we can," he continued with great enthusiasm. She could see the corners of his eyes crinkling behind his sunglasses._

_"And you'll have to give me your flight info for when you come back so I can pick you up at the airport and make up for all that lost time," Meredith insisted._

_"Of course," he quickly agreed._

_"I'm looking forward to that far more than I'm looking forward to taking you to the airport this morning," she admitted. She felt the tension over their impending good-bye welling up in her again._

_"Yeah, about that. You don't need to take me this morning. I can just take a cab. I'm sure you have things you need to get done before your shift starts and I don't want you to be running late or anything," he said calmly. _

_ "Really? I don't mind." She felt entirely conflicted about the situation, actually. She wanted the extra time with him, but she was not at all looking forward to watching him leave._

_"I know, but I don't want us to do the airport goodbye. It'll be all depressing, and that just doesn't fit with the rest of our weekend, you know?" Derek managed. He seemed equally conflicted about the prospect by the way his hands tensed and released against the steering wheel. _

_"Okay," Meredith conceded. She hesitated for a minute before extending her left hand over the console to invite him to hold it. His fingers carefully interlaced with hers, and they managed the rest of the drive in silence. _

Meredith nearly dropped her phone when it started vibrating against her palm. Swiftly recovering, she answered before the end of the first ring.

"Hello?" she said anxiously, even though she knew it was him.

"Oh, hey. I, uh, I wasn't expecting you to answer. I figured you'd be asleep or working or something," Derek confessed. He sounded tired, edgy even.

"Why'd you call if you weren't expecting me to answer?" she inquired. She crossed her legs at her ankles and hunched over the railing.

"Habit, I guess. Hard to break."

"Are you trying to break it?" she teased, hopeful that he'd give her the answer she was seeking.

"Not at all. I'm still in denial about the addiction," he assured.

"I'm surprised you're still awake. I didn't think you'd call," Meredith admitted. She lowered her voice as a couple nurses walked by and gave her the once over, but they quickly returned to their conversation and seemed disinterested in Meredith's.

"Long day of starting the process of shutting down my life here," Derek explained. "I've been trying to deal with things I can't put off any longer, and I just finished writing my letter of resignation." His voice sounded particularly wary the longer he spoke.

"Ah. How'd all that go?"

"It's been…harder than I expected," he replied, seeming to choose his words carefully. "But I know this is the right decision, even if it means I have to deal with a lot of drama these next couple weeks. I just keep telling myself that I'll be rewarded once I get back to Seattle."

"You'll be rewarded handsomely," Meredith flirted. "Just keep your eye on the prize and all that."

"And now that I've got a couple pictures with you, I can actually do that," he agreed. Derek had gone out of his way to get another passenger on the ferry to take a couple shots of them with his cell phone that morning, and they turned out surprisingly well for not having a chance to shower and wearing the same clothes as they had the day before.

"You need to send me those, by the way," she insisted, smiling at the memory.

"I will," he sighed. "First thing in the morning."

Meredith shifted against the bar. She wanted to keep him on the phone and continue to hear his voice, but she really didn't have anything to say. She didn't feel like talking about her cases, and she certainly wasn't about to talk about missing him already.

"I guess it's getting late. I should probably try to get some sleep," Derek admitted, seeming equally reluctant. "And you should, too, if you're not busy right now. You're not even halfway through your shift yet."

"Yeah, you're probably right," she acknowledged, feeling immediately saddened that their conversation was ending. "Sleep well."

"Goodnight, Meredith."

"Derek?" she spat out suddenly, not yet ready to hang up.

"Yeah?"

"I…" She hesitated, unsure of what to say. There were so many possibilities. "I'm—I'm glad you called."

He paused for a beat, almost certainly smiling on the other side. "And I'm glad you answered. I already miss being with you," he replied.

Meredith beamed, delighted by his response. "Goodnight," she whispered as she ended the call. In that moment, the bridge across Seattle Grace could have fallen away, and she was relatively certain she could have floated across anyway. He had called, as promised, and she could silence all of those nagging doubts that he was going to disappoint her somehow. He was living up to all of his commitments and jumping through the necessary hoops to return to her, and she couldn't deny her excitement about that. It was painted across her face even as she waltzed to the locker room to retrieve some study materials. She swung the intern locker room door open with an added burst of energy and wasn't even fazed to see Cristina sprawled out on her back across the bench between their lockers.

"You know, an on-call room might be more comfortable," Meredith teased as she hovered over her best friend.

Cristina exhaled loudly, and a pile of dark curls toppled off the bench to dangle toward the floor. "Sleep is for the weak. I was merely resting," she insisted. She reached her arms out in front of her and sat up. Her legs straddled the bench as she gripped her elbows and rotated at the waist in a series of stretches. Eventually she stopped and stared at Meredith, watching her sort through the books in her locker.

"What?" Meredith laughed, feeling self-conscious.

"You're…shockingly happy for having said goodbye to Dr. McDreamy today," Cristina observed. Her brow crimped in confusion and a disdainful look washed over her face.

"Dr. McDreamy? Seriously? That's the best you can come up with?" Meredith teased, unwilling to let her good mood be tarnished.

"It's a work-in-progress," Cristina defended. "But seriously, you're like…glowing. What have you done with Meredith?" she accused as she leaned forward and cracked her knuckles against the bench.

Meredith shrugged impishly. "It's nothing. I'm fine."

"Exactly!" Cristina responded. "You're never _actually _fine. You're usually just pretend fine. What's going on?"

Meredith clutched her highlighter between her teeth while she tucked a textbook under her arm and closed her locker. Realizing that she may as well have this conversation now while they were still alone, she collapsed on the bench near her friend.

"Oh, I see." Cristina observed as she studied Meredith thoroughly as if she was looking at an MRI or an angiogram.

"What?"

" You've fallen in love with him," Cristina said flatly. She folded her arms across her chest and looked judgmentally at Meredith.

Meredith cringed. "No, I—What does that even mean 'fallen in love with him?' We just met. I barely know him," she argued.

"Oh, you've got it bad," Cristina diagnosed like it was a terminal condition.

"Cristina!"

Cristina's eyebrows arched upwards, virtually daring Meredith to continue denying her situation.

"Okay, fine. I'll admit that we seem oddly compatible with one another," she admitted.

"Mmm-hmm," Cristina nodded. "Go on."

"He's a sexy world-class neurosurgeon who's moving to Seattle. What am I supposed to do?" Meredith argued. She couldn't even attempt to stifle the rise of her cheeks as she smiled or the lift in her voice as she described Derek that way.

"He's _your_ sexy world-class neurosurgeon. Do you even appreciate how much of an asset he could be in getting surgeries or even just studying for the intern test?"

"I haven't even thought that far ahead," Meredith answered honestly, because thinking that far ahead would mean thinking through their inevitable conversation with the chief and coming out about their relationship, and that was the one thing she was perfectly happy to wait a couple weeks for.

"So wait, you're this cuckoo for Derek-puffs and you haven't even considered the professional benefits yet? This is so much worse than I thought," Cristina groaned in disapproval.

"He wants to go to the chief when he gets back. He wants our relationship out in the open," Meredith confided. She nervously twittered the highlighter against the cover of her book as she waited for Cristina's response.

"Yikes. Are you okay with that?"

"I guess. Mostly I'm just not confident that we can pull off sneaking around," she answered. Her face flushed as she remembered their close encounter with Bailey on the stairwell and their subsequent foray into an on-call room.

"Well, I hope that goes okay because there's only one thing worse than being the intern dating the attending in charge of neuro," Cristina advised.

Meredith raised her eyes in anticipation.

"You could be the intern who _used to be _dating the attending in charge of neuro."

Meredith swallowed hard, a bit less confident that it was a status she'd be able to avoid. After all, every other relationship she'd ever had ended eventually. But then again, she'd hardly call her previous experiences "relationships," and nothing about her time with Derek seemed to parallel the men in her past. Everything about it seemed new and somehow riskier. She knew there was much more at stake this time.

"What am I doing?" Meredith moaned. "I've been trying so hard to resist him—to not be the girl that sleeps with the attending—but I can't _not_ date him. It's just the hair and the eyes and the sex—"

"Are you ever actually going to give details about that? Or are you just going to keep rubbing it in that you got laid several times this weekend?" Cristina jabbed.

Meredith shrugged innocently. "He's good with his hands. It's no wonder he's a world-class neurosurgeon." She bit her lower lip as she grinned mischievously and waggled her eyebrows.

Cristina snorted, triggering Meredith to release her own wave of playful laughter. She'd deflated a bit since getting off the phone with Derek, but there was no question she was still in a good mood overall.

"Two weeks?" Cristina pressed once the giggles subsided.

Meredith nodded.

"We have a lot of drinking to do before he gets here and steals you away. Are we still on for Joe's at the end of the shift?"

"Absolutely," Meredith agreed.

"Good. See you in rounds," Cristina said as she glanced at her pager and wandered out of the room.

Meredith smiled as she briefly considered the professional benefits of having Derek around all the time. No question he'd try to help her study for her intern exams, and while she'd never openly encourage him to show a little favoritism toward her in giving her access to his OR, she couldn't deny the thrill she felt at the prospect of a few more neurosurgeries, particularly the more interesting ones he was likely to take. And maybe he'd let her study in his office when she needed a quiet place so she wouldn't have to hide out on a gurney in the basement all the time. She could handle the gossip and jealousy from those that didn't know her better, and maybe even from those that did, so long as she didn't become the girl who _used to be _dating Dr. Shepherd. It was a status she would actively try to avoid.

But for the next two weeks, dimly-lit basements and crumb-laden gurneys would have to do.

She yawned as she began walking to the elevator, momentarily considering a stop in the same on-call room she'd slept in with him on Friday morning. She quickly dismissed the idea as she weighed the large textbook in her hand, but she could definitely add it to the list of things she'd look forward to when he'd return.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

The rest of Meredith's shift went by smoothly. She managed to squeeze in a couple brief naps in which her textbook inadvertently became her pillow, and while the appendectomy she'd performed under Bailey's supervision was the highlight of the day, the sporadic text messages from Derek came in a close second. First there was _"Resignation letter delivered. Went badly but done. Tell you about it tonight."_ A few hours later, she received another: _"Awake brain surgery will be so much more fun when you scrub in with me." _But the one that improved her mood most was the last one he sent. _"Thinking of you has been the highlight of this otherwise miserable day. Can't wait to hear your voice. Call me whenever you get home. I'll be at the hospital all night."_ It was this message that convinced Meredith to limit her drinks at Joe's and duck out fairly early on her date with Cristina.

Meredith quickly changed out of her scrubs and into jeans and a navy blue v-neck sweater. Her messy ponytail was brushed out, and she didn't even bother to button up her pea-coat before grabbing her bag and heading for the elevator. Cristina was already waiting at Joe's, and Meredith was anxious to join her. She walked down the emptying corridors and was surprised to see Dr. Webber waiting for the elevator as well.

"Dr. Webber," she said politely as she waited.

"Meredith," he acknowledged. He flexed his fingers around the handle of his briefcase and shifted his weight impatiently.

"You're here late tonight," she observed as she attempted conversation.

The elevator doors swung open, and they casually walked in to the vacant space.

"Paperwork," he answered as he pushed the button for the ground floor lobby. "Oh, I've been meaning to mention—Dr. Shepherd seemed very impressed with you, Meredith. He's going to be a huge asset to this hospital, and I expect you'll learn a great deal from him."

"I hope so, sir," Meredith said. She felt the heat rising to her cheeks. Clearly they'd talked about her, but obviously Derek hadn't been forthcoming about their relationship yet. In some ways that was a relief, but it only made the prospect of their future conversation more awkward given the chief's clear expectations.

"Now I just need to find a way to get his wife to come here, too," Richard continued.

Meredith did a double-take and felt her blood pressure rise dramatically. "Excuse me?" she murmured, certain that she'd misunderstood him somehow.

"Addison Montgomery-Shepherd? She's one of the foremost neo-natal surgeons in the country. I suspect the chief at Mount Sinai is going to hate me for picking off his superstars, but it certainly seems more feasible now that Derek's coming. If we could get both of them, there's no question we'd move up in the rankings," Richard explained.

Meredith's legs began trembling and she braced herself against the side of the elevator. _Derek's wife? As in married? _The color drained from her face and her stomach turned over on itself as she felt unexpectedly nauseous. _Of course he's married. How could he not be. All this time…What else had he kept hidden?_

"Are you okay?" Richard asked as he noticed the sudden shift in Meredith's demeanor. An element of concern resonated in his voice.

"Just…exhausted, sir," Meredith managed weakly.

"It'll get easier. Intern year is rough on everyone." The elevator door swung open, and he continued toward the main entrance. "Get some rest, Grey."

"I will," she mouthed, unable to find the voice to speak.


	10. Chapter 10

**A/N: Many, many, many thanks for the reviews for the last chapter. I'm a little behind on responding to feedback, but I wanted to get this chapter done first. Also, massive gratitude goes out to my two awesome betas for talking me through these next few chapters. One has been with me from the beginning, and the other worked her ass off to catch up and help me out. I am incredibly grateful to both. Happy Grey's Week!**

Meredith's first aspiration as she climbed into her jeep was to play bumper cars with the other vehicles in the hospital parking lot. That aspiration was followed by a quick mental calculation of the number of hours it would take her to drive to New York to run Derek over as well. Once she calmed down enough to start the vehicle and determine those possibilities were out of the question, she decided she would just drive. No final destination was necessary.

_Married._ The chief had definitely referred to this Addison woman as Derek's wife. Not ex-wife. _Wife._ And Richard seemed to be close enough to Derek to know if there'd been a major development on that front. The subject of Addison must have come up when the job offer was made, and if Derek hadn't set him straight then, surely his wife must still fit in the puzzle somewhere. But where did that leave Meredith besides alone and craving tequila?

She found a liquor store to satisfy her drinking desires and continued driving until she could find a place where she could bury her thoughts in the bottle. She hadn't even begun to consider how she would make it home after she reached that destination. All of the camping materials hadn't been unloaded from the back yet, so in the worst-case scenario, she determined she could always just sleep in the jeep if she was too drunk to get home.

And she was definitely counting on that contingency.

She pulled up to the Bainbridge Island Ferry Terminal and contemplated driving aboard. As the line of cars slowly crept forward, however, she decided to veer off into the parking lot and watch. She found an empty space overlooking the harbor and turned off the engine. She unhooked her seatbelt, and crawled into the backseat to begin her search for some blankets to keep her warm on the outside as the tequila heated her insides. She found a heavy flannel afghan and tugged it out from under the pile of folding chairs and tent poles. Once it was free, she quickly unfolded it and wrapped it around her shoulders, not even bothering to shimmy back into the front seat. The paper bag holding her bottle of Jose Cuervo was next, and she quickly uncapped the bottle and took a long swig, savoring the burn as it rolled down her throat. Tears brimmed in her eyes as she pulled the bottle away and stared out at the ferryboat drifting away from the dock. All she wanted was the numbness to hit—maybe from the cold, maybe from the tequila—so long as it took away the pain of being deceived by the first man she imagined building a life with.

She sank lower in the seat as she nursed her bottle of tequila, desperately trying not to notice that the blanket wrapped around her still smelled like him. She considered calling him and even got so far as manually dialing the first nine digits of his number rather than using the speed dial, but each time she stopped short. She had no words to describe her emotions—the rage rolling through her stomach, the devastation clenching her throat, the sense that she had lost things she never realized she had with him—and the thing she feared most was that her anger would dissolve at the sound of his voice. Somehow, he'd have a reasonable explanation for not bothering to mention that he had a wife during their months of phone time and most recent days together.

There would be no talking to Derek Shepherd until she knew exactly what to say, and she didn't have a clue.

The phone buzzed like bees in the palm of her hand, as if he was somehow privy to her thoughts and wanted to argue back. She blinked repeatedly as she stared at the picture of them together that flashed on her cell phone along with his number. She had programmed the picture to display earlier in the day when he emailed it to her, and now, seeing their bright smiles as they embraced for the camera only made her feel worse.

"Shut up!" she screamed without actually answering the phone. "I don't want to talk to you, you lying bastard!"

The phone cycled through its ringtone for several more seconds before stopping and silencing the voices in her head that begged her to answer and give him that chance to explain. It was only a temporary lull, however, as the phone soon pulsed from the addition of voicemail.

Meredith groaned and shoved the phone away from her, not wanting to hear his message.

It seemed like a good solution until the phone started ringing again three minutes later.

"Talk to your wife!" Meredith shrieked before looking at the caller ID. Cristina's name flashed across the screen, flooding Meredith with relief.

"I've been waiting for you for almost an hour. Why aren't you at Joe's?" Cristina interrogated as soon as Meredith answered.

Meredith barely found enough voice to respond. "I just found out he's married."

"Joe's gay," Cristina dismissed.

"_Derek_. Derek's married," Meredith clarified. She sucked her lips between her teeth and bit down on them while breathing deeply through her nose.

Cristina was quiet on the other end. "Where are you?" she finally asked.

"Sitting in my jeep at the Bainbridge Terminal." She ran her thumb over the fraying seam of the blanket and surveyed the parking lot around her to make sure it was still empty.

"Alright. Don't go anywhere. I'm on my way," Cristina said.

Meredith ended the call and returned to her drink. Her head was beginning to feel foggy from intoxication, but not enough for her to be able to detach from her misery. She began wrestling again with the idea of calling him up, but ultimately decided she'd just listen to his message and reevaluate from there. The sober part of her, what little part was left, recognized that it was a bad idea, but somehow she managed to rationalize it as a short term course of action until Cristina arrived.

She fidgeted with her voicemail and listened as it announced one new message from Derek Shepherd. Her free hand coiled around the blanket, balling it up in her fist.

"Hmmm, I'd hoped you'd be done with work by now, but I guess not," he started. "I really need to talk to you. Today has been rough… god, I wish I could just come home to you tonight. The phone tag is killing me. But anyway, call me back as soon as you can, and I guess that's it for now. Bye."

Meredith exhaled, and a steady stream of tears flowed down her cheeks. Still, the reaction didn't stop her from replaying the message enough times that it became etched in her memory. And each time she listened, her emotional condition evolved a bit. At first, she was devastated to hear the disappointment in his voice over her not answering, and she pined for the nights when they could be together. By the third time she listened, that sadness had mutated into anger over his nerve to bother calling and speculation over what could've made his day so bad. By the fifth and sixth times, however, she was in a complete vengeful fury that would have clearly resulted in a belligerent return call had Cristina not started knocking on the glass window.

"Unlock the door," Cristina said, her voice muted through the glass.

Meredith complied and slid to the far side of the back seat to make room for her friend.

Cristina hesitated to crawl into the jeep as she inhaled the overpowering scent of tequila. "This is classy. You're drinking?"

Meredith waved the bottle out at her friend, nearly spilling the contents in her jerky movement. "Do you want some?" Her speech was still coherent, but her reactions were definitely delayed.

"No, thanks," Cristina answered, pushing the bottle back towards Meredith and making a face at the gesture. She settled on the seat and locked the door behind her.

"He's married, Cris," Meredith murmured as she leaned over toward her best friend and rested against her shoulder. "He's got a wife—Addison—who's apparently some surgical goddess, and I had no idea. All this time, and I didn't have a clue."

"That's insane! You were talking for months and he never mentioned it?" Cristina's face pinched in a glare as she shook her head.

"Nope. And even if they're maybe getting a divorce or something…"

Cristina waved her hand dismissively. "Even if they're getting a divorce, he should've mentioned it."

"Yup. Instead, he just made me his dirty mistress," Meredith choked out. "And now I'm the intern who used to be dating Dr. Shepherd."

"You didn't know, and people don't know you were together. We can castrate him without anyone linking it to you," Cristina assured.

"_I _know. And _I_ have to work with him now, knowing." Meredith's voice cracked and trailed off as she felt a new wave of tears fighting toward the surface.

"Typical egotistical neurosurgeon. What an asshole," Cristina said under her breath. She reached out toward Meredith, hesitating slightly as if second-guessing herself, before ultimately reaching her arm around Meredith's shoulders and rubbing her bicep.

"He _is_ an asshole. To think I was falling for him," Meredith huffed.

Cristina looked at Meredith. "Falling?"

Meredith's eyes sank to the floor. The car was starting to spin around her and her vision was blurring around the edges. _Fell._

"His presentation wasn't even that good," Cristina lied. "Not really."

"'Cause he's an asshole," Meredith repeated. She pushed the blanket off her as a hot flash racked her body.

"Was he really so arrogant to think that you'd never find out?"

"Asshole, asshole, asshole," Meredith chanted. She even reached for her phone and drunkenly typed a word resembling it into a text message for him, but Cristina took it away from her before she could hit send.

"Okay, no drunk dialing or texting tonight," Cristina said, "though I can think of a few words I'd like to send him right now."

"He's married," Meredith repeated, still trying to find meaning in the words.

"Yeah," Cristina whispered back.

"My boyfriend is my boss, and now he's married."

Cristina nodded. "He is."

"That's such crap," Meredith pouted. She rolled her eyes and reopened her bottle of tequila. She tried to gauge how much more she'd need to drink before passing out, but the constant sloshing inside from her trembling hands made the calculations impossible. Eventually she gave up and tilted the bottle back to her lips, taking in large, stinging gulps.

Cristina shook her head disapprovingly. "You're going to regret that in the morning."

"What's one more thing to regret?" Meredith snapped.

Cristina withdrew her arm and tensed her body as they both sat silently staring at the ferryboat returning from Bainbridge. It was the last shuttle of the night, and soon the parking lot would be filling with the final group of passengers or ferry employees ready to head home to warm beds and welcoming families.

A light flashed out of the corner of Meredith's eye, and she sat up to get a better look.

Cristina frowned. "We should probably just turn this off for the night," she commented as she looked at the LCD screen of Meredith's phone.

"What is it?" Meredith pressed, unable to stop her curiosity. "Did he text?"

Cristina fumbled for the power off button. "You don't want to read it, Mere. Not tonight."

Meredith reached for the phone and yanked it out of Cristina's hand to see the message for herself.

_If the amount that I miss you right now is any indication, I would definitely call this a real relationship_, it read.

"Oh," Meredith choked. The tears welled up again, burning against her eyes and tightening her throat as she tried to hold back a heartbroken sob.

"Don't do it," Cristina advised. "Don't call him back or text him or any of that. He lied to you. Don't go soft on him and forget that."

"I know. You're right. Take it," Meredith insisted as she passed the cell phone back to her friend. She didn't trust herself to have it, and she definitely didn't want to see more texts like that to cloud her emotions all over again. She drew the heels of her hands up to her eyes to stem the flow of tears and took in a deep, sobering breath. "How will I stick with neuro?" she asked, mostly to herself.

"You'll stick with neuro," Cristina said. "You love neuro."

Meredith shook her head, considering the prospect of routinely scrubbing in with Derek or going to him for help on the cases she didn't feel comfortable handling on her own—which would be all of them at this stage of her career. It was unfathomable.

"I'm giving up neuro," Meredith insisted. "Men, too."

Cristina snorted. "Now I _know _you're delusional."

"Maybe I'll just do general surgery like my mom," Meredith considered as she began carefully fraying the edge of the paper sack holding her tequila.

"Mere? I will kick your ass if you let a penis stop you from doing neuro."

"But he's the best penis around. He's got the most to teach," Meredith said.

Cristina's eyebrows rose as she met Meredith's eyes, and as much as she tried to resist, she couldn't stop herself from bursting into a fit of laughter.

"Oh!" Meredith groaned as she understood the ridiculousness of her comment. She even laughed until her mind flickered back to the last time she was with him, and she considered the kernel of truth to her statement.

"You thought Weller and Krichek were perfectly fine until Derek entered the picture. Keep working with them," Cristina suggested once she calmed down enough to be serious again.

"And if Derek requests me?"

"Tell him not to—or I'll tell him for you. The least he can do is keep his distance for a while," Cristina said. She turned so she was leaning against the door and drew her legs up onto the bench so she could hug her knees. The temperature inside the cabin had dropped considerably since the vehicle wasn't running, and Meredith hadn't even thought to dig out more blankets from the back.

"Yeah," Meredith said sullenly. "I guess. I just…he's _married_, Cris."

"Yeah," Cristina agreed.

"I fell in love with him, and he's married," Meredith continued. Her voice quivered as she spoke, reflecting the breaking dam of emotion inside. She clutched the blanket in her fists and drew it back around her as she sobbed.

Cristina leaned forward and rested her forehead against her knees, clearly not wanting to watch Meredith break down in front of her.

"Meredith," she started, eventually looking up.

"Yeah?"

"Give me your keys. Let me take you home."

Meredith passed them over without saying a word and watched as Cristina crawled into the driver's seat and started the jeep. She didn't want to think about the fact that Derek was the last person besides her to drive her car or be in her bed.

When it came to Derek, she just didn't want to think anymore, period.


	11. Chapter 11

**Author's Note: I've been on a crazed writing binge in the last couple weeks as I've worked on this chapter and the one that will soon follow it (soon as in a week or less, not soon as in geologic time, like my pace has been lately). Sorry to keep you waiting. If I could magically carve out hours of my day to do nothing but write, believe me, I would. Gladly. Super special thanks to my two betas – one who managed to pacify my impatience with insta-feedback and the other who managed to carve out time for me despite packing to move. And thanks again for sticking with me and providing all of the feedback and reviews. It really, truly means a lot to me. **

Meredith had tried all the tricks she knew to prevent a hangover. She'd brushed her teeth before going to bed, taken a couple Excedrine, and drank more water than her bladder could ever hold until morning. So when she woke up with a headache, she had to wonder how much of it was from the alcohol and how much of it was from thinking about Derek.

She moaned loudly and buried her head back beneath her pillow, hoping to lose consciousness once again.

"Would you shut the hell up?" Cristina snapped. "I'm trying to sleep."

Meredith sprang to her side. She hadn't even realized Cristina was still there.

Cristina tugged the blanket over her shoulders and rolled to face the other direction. "Seriously."

"I think I'm entitled to moan here," Meredith said. "This is my bed. I'm the one with the boyfriend who's McMarried. I'm the one with no reasonable future in neuro." Meredith flung herself back against the sheets in a gesture even she would admit was melodramatic. Still, it was exactly how she felt at the moment, and after being decidedly even-keeled throughout her internship thus far, she had a surplus of drama ready to unleash.

"Two hours," Cristina replied. "In two hours, I will gladly listen to you whine and sob all over again. But now, now I kindly ask that you shut up and let me sleep."

Meredith pulled the pillow out from under Cristina's head and hugged it to her chest. "I don't remember even asking you to stay the night last night."

"Right." Cristina tried to tug the pillow back from Meredith's grasp, but ultimately gave up and stole a different one from Meredith. "Cause your hair was just going to hold itself back."

"I didn't get sick last night," Meredith said while shaking her head in disgust.

"Um, okay. Whatever you say." Cristina settled back into the pillows and tucked herself beneath the blankets.

Meredith folded an arm across her eyes to block out the sunshine drifting through the window shades. She had to admit that there were many parts of last night that were still hazy to her, including her memory of getting from the port to her bedroom, but she was quite certain that she hadn't missed anything she'd particularly want to remember. Why dwell on the patently unpleasant when there was the potential to have so much more hurled in her direction?

"You think after four months you know someone. But no. Why bring up something like marriage? That's not important." Meredith resumed her bear hug of the pillow and tucked it beneath her chin as she waited for Cristina to respond.

A loud, groaning sound erupted as Cristina shifted the blankets and rolled around to face Meredith.

Meredith continued, undeterred. "Not once was he like 'by the way, my wife says hi' or 'you probably shouldn't call my house in case my wife answers.'"

Cristina rolled her eyes. "Of course not. If he didn't tell you about her, he clearly doesn't want you to know about that."

"But why? Why doesn't he want me to know? He's moving to Seattle. He can't be too happy with her if he came looking for me." Meredith chewed at her lower lip as she pondered his rationale. Deep down, she knew the only way she'd ever get an answer was by talking to him directly, but for now, she was hoping to solve the mystery on her own. Talking to him was still too intimidating.

"I don't know, Mere," Cristina answered. She folded the pillow beneath her head and gazed up at her friend with big brown eyes.

"I should've known he was too perfect. I got myself so convinced that the other shoe wouldn't drop this time, and look what happened."

"Are you going to talk to him?" Cristina asked.

Meredith's eyebrows crinkled as she looked at Cristina. "I thought you didn't want me to call him."

"No, I didn't want you to _drunk dial_ him. But at some point, you're probably going to have to talk to him."

Meredith sighed. It was one thing to have her conscience tell her to talk to him, but it was another thing entirely for Cristina to say it.

"He'll be back in two weeks."

Cristina's exasperation registered across her face. "So you're _not_ going to call him."

"I didn't say that." Meredith rolled to face away from Cristina and stared at her cell phone on the night stand by the bed. "I just need to figure out what to say, and I'm not ready yet."

"Fine. Figure out what to say. I'm going back to sleep." Cristina turned and pulled the covers away from Meredith as she curled up beneath the large tan quilt.

"Right," Meredith said. She reached over for the cell phone and held it in her hand as she debated turning it back on. She was certain that there would be more messages from him that she didn't want to hear.

Except she really did want to hear them. She wanted to hear his voice and the way he spoke to her as if her name were a prayer on his lips. She wanted to know how much he missed her and how many times he actually bothered to call, knowing it was only a fraction of the times he was thinking of her. And knowing all of that was the part that hurt the most because she desperately missed the Derek she'd spent the weekend with, too.

And what if someone else had called? She couldn't very well leave her cell phone off forever. The nursing home could be trying to get in touch with her, and she needed to be available for those calls, she decided. She took a deep breath and turned the phone on, hoping that she could handle the consequences.

The phone slowly came to life and vibrated as it received her messages—three texts and one voicemail, all from Derek. She smiled involuntarily, unable to shake the part of her that considered conversations with him the highlight of her day, until she remembered why she wasn't answering his calls in the first place.

Her smile faded as quickly as it surfaced, and her eyes focused in deep concentration.

"Just read them," she told herself. "Read and delete, you don't have to respond yet."Her fist flexed around the cell phone as she worked up the resolve to read. She nodded to herself and held the phone back in front of her face.

_Your shift must have been exhausting. Hope you're getting some sleep. My caseload tomorrow is light if you want to call._

Meredith quickly trashed the message before moving onto the next one.

_I am now the proud owner of an Airstream trailer. It's being delivered to my property next week, but I'm having the keys delivered to you. Feel free to make yourself a set._

"Yeah, I'll get right on that," Meredith mumbled before scrolling down to the next text.

_Is everything okay? I'm starting to worry._

A pang of guilt rippled through Meredith's chest.

He was worried.

Of course he was worried. She'd dropped off the face of the earth without warning or explanation while he was across the country thinking everything was still kittens and roses between them. He had no idea that she actually wanted to claw his heart out.

And if Meredith had learned one thing, it was that Derek was persistent. He'd been persistent about getting her phone number, persistent about meeting up, persistent about dating when he returned, and he'd be persistent about calling her. If she didn't explain why she was angry and give him a chance to clear things up, she'd be getting many more of these messages every day until he returned.

She needed to call him and be done with it.

Meredith carefully pulled off the covers and tip-toed into the bathroom, careful not to step on the spot in the hallway floor that would creak and wake everyone up. It may not have mattered – she thought she could smell Izzie baking downstairs anyway – but the less attention she drew to herself, the better. She locked the door and settled onto the bathmat, gathering the courage to call.

It would be a quick "Hi, how are you? Is it true that you're married? No? That's great! I miss you, too," Meredith rationalized. No need to put it off. No need to sit and speculate why Derek would keep something that monumental from her the whole time they were chatting and texting and calling and emailing. As if he hadn't had opportunities to mention it. She just hadn't asked the right questions.

Today she would.

Definitely today.

Meredith stared at the hand towel beside the sink, noticing that it was slightly askew. Using the bathtub for leverage, she stood back up and yanked it off the rack so she could unfold and refold it into Martha Stewart perfection. So what if there was a bleach stain on a corner of the towel and the edge was frayed slightly from washing too many times. This was something she could fix.

Once the towel was resting in total, symmetrical harmony with the towel rack, Meredith settled back on the bath mat with her cell phone. She nervously coiled a strand of hair around her fingertip as she entered his speed dial and waited for him to answer. For a flicker of a second, she considered hanging up, but the damage was already done. He'd see her name as a missed call and know she'd reached out to him. This would have to be it.

"Hi, you've reached Derek Shepherd. I'm not able to take your call at the—" The over-rehearsed message was met with a quick beep as Meredith ended the call. She wasn't about to leave a message. What would she even say exactly? "Sorry I haven't called, I was reeling about your wife. Maybe we should talk?" That didn't work for her.

And why wasn't he answering his phone now?

Meredith stood back up and washed her face in the sink, jerking the hand towel masterpiece from its stage to dry herself off. She then used it to clean out the sink basin and the toilet seat as she plotted her next move.

He was almost certainly at work. She could call Mt. Sinai and have someone connect her to his office line. Find out his schedule for the day or have him paged. It wasn't the most convenient plan she'd ever thought of, but it sure beat waiting for him to call her again. And it definitely beat hitting the redial over and over again.

Meredith tossed the towel in the laundry hamper and resettled on the floor, phoning directory assistance before she had a chance to reconsider. They promptly patched her through to the hospital's main non-emergency line, and after selecting a variety of options through the automated system, Meredith navigated her way to a young, over-eager receptionist.

"Good morning," Meredith said as she devised a cover story that would get her put through to wherever he was in the hospital. "I'm a doctor at Seattle Grace Hospital, and I need to get in touch with Dr. Shepherd rather urgently. Could you connect me?"

"Sure. One moment please," the receptionist answered. An elevator music version of Elton John's _Candle in the Wind_ played for a few seconds in the background as Meredith was placed on hold, and she tapped her fingers anxiously against the side of the tub. She stiffened as the phone began ringing again, however.

"This is the Women's Health Center. How may I help you?" another woman said politely.

Meredith groaned. "I think I've been connected to the wrong line. I'm trying to reach Dr. Shepherd."

"Dr. Montgomery-Shepherd?" the woman replied.

Meredith's heart skipped a beat at the name. "No, Derek Shepherd."

"Ah, her husband," the woman said with a knowing chuckle. "The mix-up happens all the time. I've tried to tell the main desk to double check, but…" If the woman continued talking, Meredith had stopped listening. She'd heard all that she needed to hear. She caught something about connecting to neurology, but Meredith hung up before she had a chance to make it that far.

In all the time that Meredith had lived with the possibility that Derek was married, in the time since Richard had nonchalantly sprung the news, a tiny crevice of her mind said he was mistaken. Richard was thinking of someone else, or maybe even Derek used to be married but wasn't anymore. This, however, silenced that nagging doubt. One of Addison's co-workers had confirmed it. Derek was the husband to a Dr. Montgomery-Shepherd, and that meant he had a wife.

Meredith wandered like a zombie back into her bedroom, powered off her phone, and flung it into a heap of dirty clothes. She knew he'd try calling again, but she did not want to say one word to him. If he could spend months keeping a monumental secret from her and still sound all sincere and caring when they talked, then she could manage a couple weeks of keeping him in the dark about why she wanted nothing to do with him anymore. It would be one small step toward revenge, and the more she thought about how much he betrayed her, the more vengeful she felt. She wanted to hurt him at least as much as he had managed to hurt her. She wanted to shut him out completely and pretend that he had never even existed.

She settled back in beside Cristina, flung her arm over her best friend, and eventually fell back to sleep.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Meredith was determined not to let the situation with Derek affect her work, particularly while he was still in New York. When each shift started, she pasted on a smile and buried her cell phone in the bottom of her locker. She didn't bother to turn it back on, and she was content living in denial of the several messages he continued to leave for her. For the next several days, the hospital was entirely hers. She didn't need to share it with Derek, and she didn't have to deal with the threat of him watching over her or picking her for cases. She could focus on her work and hope that the adrenaline rush from surgeries would distract her enough from missing and hating him. Of course, there were moments of weakness, like when she spent a break Googling Addison Montgomery-Shepherd and cringing when she read the complete list of the woman's credentials. She also regretted finding the picture of Addison with Derek in a New York Times article of up-and-coming metro area power couples. But overall, denial was an attractive friend to fill the void that Derek left.

"I need more fun," Meredith announced at lunch as she sank into her chair, jarring the table that Izzie, Cristina, and George were already sitting at.

"Don't even think of asking for one of my surgeries," Cristina answered.

Izzie's eyes darted quickly toward Cristina, but Meredith ignored the look and continued.

"I don't want your surgery," Meredith said. "I just want something fun to do. Old Meredith used to think it was fun to get drunk and sleep with boys, but New Meredith just…" Meredith shook her head. "New Meredith thinks boys are crap."

"Not all boys are crap," George said. He looked at Meredith with wide-eyed seriousness as he spoke, underscoring how unaware he was of her situation.

"When did the Old Meredith end and the New Meredith start?" Izzie asked.

Cristina jumped in before Meredith had a chance to respond. "And when did you start talking about yourself in the third person?"

"You're missing my point," Meredith replied. "My point is that I need more fun."

"Well, I'd suggest going to Joe's, but there might be boys there, and you can't have that," Cristina said with her usual tinge of sarcasm.

"It might not be the worst thing," Meredith relented, unclear if she was referring to Joe's or boys. She had to admit that a part of her wanted to believe that taking advantage of some hot guy would fill the gaping chasm her unofficial breakup with Derek created. It was comforting to think that a new boy could speed up the grieving process and force a clean break with Derek, but Meredith had enough sense to realize she'd be lying to herself and her friends to pretend to be ready for someone new. She was in denial over many things, but she wasn't completely delusional yet.

"You still haven't talked to him, have you?" Cristina said as she leaned back in her chair and crossed her arms across her chest.

George looked at them in confusion. "Talked to him, who?"

"There's nothing that I need to say to him. He had a chance, and he blew it, and I am ready to move on and have fun." Meredith really wanted it to sound convincing as she said it, as if she really had condensed her moping into a couple days of abject misery and was now ready to bounce back into life.

"Look, I am all for you having fun, but you have to tell him what a bastard he is first," Cristina argued.

"Word," Izzie agreed.

Meredith groaned in frustration. "You don't think the fact that I've stopped taking his calls lets him know I think he's a bastard?"

"Who's a bastard?" George interrupted again.

Cristina shook her head. "If you don't confront him before you see him again, it's going to be ten times worse. And he has obviously proven that there's no correlation between being a neurosurgeon and having a brain."

George perked up and shifted in his chair. "Oh my god, are you having an affair with Weller?" he accused a little too loudly.

"No, George!" all three shouted back in unison as the majority of surrounding tables stared in their direction.

George shifted uncomfortably in his chair and sank a little lower. "Sorry," he whispered. "Are you having an affair with Kriachek?"

Meredith shook her head. "I'm not having an affair with anyone, George." She turned her attention back to Izzie and Cristina. "And I have no intention of talking to him. So are we going to Joe's tonight or what?"

"We'll be there," Izzie sighed. She clearly didn't approve of the situation any more than Cristina did, but Meredith knew she could count on her friends to show up and watch disaster in the making no matter what.

"Good, I'm heading over around eight." Meredith resumed focus on her food and secretly felt satisfied that she was moving on with her life before Derek even had a chance to come back in the picture.If she could find a way to resurrect her life without him, maybe his eventual presence wouldn't feel quite as unbearable.

Meredith ate her lunch quickly so she could return to her patients. Even the tedious task of charting had taken on a whole new level of interest now that Meredith delved into her work. She would much rather focus on the data than catch a nap in an on-call room, regardless of how tired she felt. She was in the zone, momentarily oblivious to the world around her.

"Dr. Grey?" the station nurse interrupted as Meredith hovered over her latest pile of charts.

Meredith glanced up briefly before returning to her charts. "Hmm?"

"You have a call on line two," the nurse responded as she passed over the phone and turned the base toward Meredith.

Meredith nodded and cradled the phone against her shoulder before pressing the button for her line. "This is Dr. Grey," she answered cordially.

"So you _are_ alive," the unmistakable voice answered back. Derek sounded equal parts angry and relieved, and she nearly dropped the receiver as she recognized the trap she'd walked into.

"What do you need?" Her voice was shaky and barely audible as she turned away from the nurse's station in an effort to secure at least a little privacy from the potentially eavesdropping nurses.

Derek huffed in disbelief. "Let's start with an explanation for why you've stopped talking to me."

Meredith cleared her throat, hoping to sound slightly more confident and professional. "Now is really not a good time for me, and I'm not in a place where I can have this conversation with you."

"Okay," he responded. "What _would_ work for you? Because I've left you several messages and you don't seem to return my calls. Why that is, I don't know. I was kinda hoping you could tell me."

"Not now, Derek. Really."

"Meredith…"

"Goodbye." She spun around and hung up the phone quickly, fumbling a bit as she tried to reconnect it with the base. She didn't bother to turn the phone back in its proper direction, nor did she acknowledge the nurse that asked her if she was okay. She simply grabbed her pile of charts and scrambled down the hall to the first available supply closet.

She threw her charts on a shelf, locked the door behind her, and crumpled to the floor. Sobs racked her body as she buried her head in her arms and folded against her knees. The memories of the moments that caused her to fall in love with him flashed before her eyes, and she hated the fact that his voice triggered them all to resurface.

_"I was just getting ready to call you," she said as she answered her phone. It was a couple weeks before their first meeting, except she didn't realize that was a possibility_ _yet._

_"I beat you to it. I couldn't wait"_

_Meredith smiled. "Missed me that much, huh?"_

_"You have no idea. My day has been fairly miserable, and you were the only thing I could think of that could cheer me up."_

_Meredith ducked into a stairwell and sat on the steps."I did three rectals and had a patient vomit on me."_

_"Okay, you win. Thanks for showing me the bright side of not being an intern anymore." Derek laughed._

_"Of course I win. I always win. And anytime." She raised her arm to the stair rail and leaned against it. "What happened with you?"_

_"Today I learned that I'm emotionally unavailable."_

_"Who isn't?" she dismissed. "How did you find that out?'_

_"By wasting my money and time on a therapist who clearly has no idea what he's talking about."_

_"You're in therapy?"_

_" My sister's a psychologist, and she insisted I give it a try," Derek explained. "But the thing is, I don't think I'm emotionally unavailable. I'm just selective about who I open up to these days."_

_Meredith nodded even though he couldn't see her. "Makes sense."_

_"I think the real problem is that I've become emotionally attached to you."_

_Meredith blinked as she tried to determine what he was trying to say exactly. "So, do you think we need to scale things back some? Talk less?"_

_"Not at all," he quickly clarified. "That would be the worst possible outcome in all this."_

_"So, you're content being only emotionally available to a woman thousands of miles away?"_

_Derek sighed and paused a while before answering."With you, I am. For now."_

_"For now?"_

_"Maybe we won't always be so far apart. You never know."_

_Meredith couldn't deny that she fantasized about meeting him with increasing frequency, so the acknowledgement that he wanted that too made her heart race. "No, I guess you never know."_

_"Call me before you go to bed tonight?" he requested._

_Meredith closed her eyes and cursed the hours of work still ahead of her. "I always do."_

_"Goodbye, Meredith."_

_"Bye."_

She had taken the bait repeatedly in their relationship, believing that they had some emotional bond that transcended all of the bullshit fed to her by every guy before. Perhaps that's why she felt the most betrayed by all of this. She actually thought that she could trust him and that he would tell her anything. As their relationship progressed over the months, he'd certainly had plenty of opportunities.

As she cried until her eyes were swollen and dry, she regretted every one of them.

Meredith waited until her appearance returned to normal before giving up her secret hiding space in the supply closet. She knew that if there was one thing that would start the gossip chain, the sight of a puffy, red-eyed Dr. Grey would probably do the trick. Eventually, the dim lights of the room exacerbated her headache as she squinted back at the charts, and she had to get out. She carefully ducked her head out of the room, confirmed that no one was watching, and slithered to a nearby lounge to resume charting in solitude.

The rest of her day dragged on mercilessly. She couldn't focus knowing that he had called, and even when she sat in the gallery watching complex cardiac procedures and contemplating specialties other than neuro, her thoughts drifted to Derek. Her mind became a static-filled AM radio that looped now-painful conversations from their past. Every time she tried to change the channel, another memory would surface, and she couldn't turn it off no matter how hard she tried.

She leaned forward against the glass window and closed her eyes, no longer even making an effort to watch the surgery.

"You know, your mother spent a ton of time in here during her internship year. She thought it was the second best way to study besides being down there herself." Dr. Webber settled into the chair beside Meredith, startling her back into reality.

Meredith leaned back and crossed her legs to resist the urge of kicking her feet up onto the ledge. She simply nodded as she searched for something appropriate to say about her mother.

Richard rescued them from the silence before it became too awkward. "I learned a lot from her. Even when the OR is empty, I'd rather come in here to think than be in my office."

"Sounds like my mother. She's always telling me to spend as much time as possible in here," Meredith lied. She imagined, however, that it was something her mother would say if she was cognizant.

"How is she doing?"

Meredith looked away from Dr. Webber and focused her gaze on the surgery below. "A whirlwind as always, sir."

"Send her my best," Richard said.

Meredith nodded and silently hoped that he would leave so she could be alone again.

Richard cleared his throat and shifted in his seat. "I didn't actually come in here to talk about your mother," he acknowledged.

"Sir?" Meredith glanced back up at him, surprised by his conspiratorial tone.

"What's going on with you and Dr. Shepherd?"

Meredith's heart nearly leapt out of her chest. "What do you mean?"

"Last week, he was singing your praises, convinced you were an up-and-coming neurology star, and today he called to express concerns about your ability to work together. What's changed?"

Meredith's eyes grew wide and fearful. She was cornered once again, and she couldn't imagine what information Derek had relayed. "Nothing has changed, sir."

"Derek very well may be the best neurosurgeon in the world, much less the country. If an attending requests your assistance with something, I expect you to respond immediately, especially if it's Dr. Shepherd. Understood?"

"Yes, sir," Meredith answered, her voice quavering with anxiety and anger. She was relieved that he clearly didn't know the extent of her relationship with Derek, but she was positively furious that Derek involved the Chief. "I'll contact him immediately."

She stormed out of the gallery and sprinted to the locker room. Her heartbeat thudded in her ears with each step as her anger toward Derek grew. She felt her body flushing with heat and glared at anyone foolish enough to cross her path along the way. The only thing able to slow her down was the crowd of interns changing shifts in the locker room, and even that was a momentary delay.

"Still on for Joe's?" Izzie asked as Meredith brushed by her to fight the padlock standing between her and her cell phone.

"Absolutely," Meredith answered through gritted teeth. She yanked the lock off once she managed to get the combination right and tossed it to the ground. The bounce of the metal on the tile floor echoed loudly, but that sound was soon drowned out by her locker door slamming against the neighboring locker. Meredith tossed aside her clothes and barely noticed the books tumbling to her feet as she dug for cell phone.

"Dude, what's with her?" Alex grumbled behind her.

"I'm fine," Meredith barked back deliriously as she located her cell phone.

"Did she talk to him?" Cristina whispered.

Meredith could feel three sets of eyes boring into her back as she turned her cell phone back on. She took a deep breath, fuming like a bull preparing to charge, and spun towards them.

"I'm fine," she insisted again. "I'll meet you at Joe's in a few minutes."

Cristina arched her eyebrows in shock, clearly deterred from asking any follow up questions. "Well, okay then. See you at Joe's." She shrugged dismissively toward Alex and Izzie and led them out of the room while Meredith stuffed the toppled contents of her locker back inside. She hurriedly slammed it back shut, not even bothering to lock it again, before hustling out the door and down to an outdoor bench near the main entrance of the hospital. It wasn't completely private, but at least she wouldn't have to worry about disturbing patients if she started yelling. And that was something she definitely planned on doing.

She entered his number from her speed dial and paced anxiously as she waited for him to pick up.

"Meredith—"

"The chief said you wanted to talk to me," Meredith hissed bitterly into her cell phone. Her entire posture went flaccid as she cowered on the bench outside of Seattle Grace Hospital.

"I'm sorry, I didn't know how else to get you to call me." The frantic concern was unmistakable in his voice. "What's going on? Why won't you talk to me all of a sudden?"

"Nothing's happening here. How's your wife?" she lobbed back as angry tears burnt her eyes.

Derek inhaled audibly, and then the line went completely silent. At one point, Meredith pulled her phone away to make sure the call hadn't been dropped, but much to her dismay, he was still on the other end.

"So, you're married?" she repeated.

His voice strained to respond, making him sound completely shattered. "I'm getting a divorce," he managed to get out.

Meredith swallowed hard, determined not to let her resolve fade even as tears stained her cheeks. "But as of today, you're still married?"

Derek sighed mournfully. "According to the State of New York, I, unfortunately, still am," he relented.

"So, what, it's like Vegas? What happens in New York stays in New York?" Meredith was incredulous. She could feel her chest tightening, as if a boa constrictor was coiling around her body, crushing her rib cage and squeezing out the air.

"This doesn't change anything between us. I've been separated for months, and I'll be divorced in a week," Derek argued back. He sounded angrier – more defensive – than Meredith expected, and something inside her snapped.

"You'll _be_ divorced – future tense? How does that even _remotely_ fix things? You've been married this entire time, and you didn't think that maybe, just maybe, you should fill me in on that piece of your life?" Her body trembled as she yelled, and she tried a little too late to muffle her sobs. "We had sex and planned your dream house, Derek, and you're married!"

After taking yet another excruciatingly long pause, Derek cleared his throat. But even that didn't stop his voice from quivering as he spoke. "You couldn't even begin to know what I've been through this year," he said darkly.

"My point exactly! I don't even know you!" she said as firmly as she could manage before hanging up on him. She couldn't stomach another word.

She futilely wiped her eyes, returned to collect her things from her locker, and opted for a night completely and utterly alone at home rather than meeting her friends at Joe's. She was lying to herself to think she was ready to get back out with them and have fun. After dealing with Derek, she doubted she would be for a very long time.


	12. Chapter 12

**Author's Note: Surely it can't be another chapter already after only a week!!! But, oh yes. Yes, it is. And I'm starting to catch up on responding to feedback, too. Thanks for giving me so much to respond to! It's the very best problem I could ever have. **

"It's George's turn to get groceries this week. Any special requests?" Izzie asked Meredith as they roamed the halls of Seattle Grace. It had been a week since Meredith's last conversation with Derek, and while none of her friends ever asked why she stood them up at Joe's, they'd swarmed around her at every opportunity since.

Meredith hugged a pile of charts tightly to her chest. Putting them away was the last task standing between her and home. "Whatever you want," she said. "It's fine."

Izzie frowned. "Did you like the french toast I made? I was thinking it could be better if I use cinnamon-raisin bread next time."

"Sure. Sounds good." Meredith tried to inject a dose of enthusiasm into her voice, but interest in anything, much less food, was a difficult prospect. All she felt was numb.

"Alright," Izzie said. "But if you think of anything else you want me to cook or whatever, just let me or George know, and we'll get it."

Meredith nodded. If she weren't living in a complete haze, she might have appreciated the great lengths her friends were reaching to care for her, but she was simply going through the motions. She didn't even care that Izzie and Cristina were suddenly exchanging concerned looks every time their paths crossed.

Izzie curled her lip and shook her head as she approached Cristina at the nurse's station. They weren't hiding their co-conspiracy on Project: Make Meredith Better.

Cristina pasted on an uncharacteristically bright smile. "Hey, Mere. Going home soon?"

"Yeah," she answered as she heaved the pile of charts onto the counter and started sorting them in their appropriate piles.

Izzie nudged Cristina, causing her to flinch. She rolled her eyes and took a deep breath. "I was thinking about going jogging tomorrow morning. Wanna go?"

"We don't jog," Meredith said as she nearly dropped one of the charts. She scrambled to retrieve it. "_You_ don't jog."

"I'm thinking I might start. It's good for your heart. And it might be fun," Cristina said in a marginally more convincing tone.

"Fun?" It wasn't clear what was more shocking to Meredith—the prospect of having fun or the idea of finding it in jogging.

Cristina shrugged. "Do you have something better planned tomorrow morning? Or are you just planning to spend your day off moping in bed again?"

Izzie smacked Cristina in the arm, triggering a sharp glare in return. Under different circumstances, Meredith would have been amused.

"I have no plans," Meredith said flatly. "No plans at all." She returned to the charts, carefully relocating them behind the desk.

"Alright, I'll call you in the morning," Cristina said.

Meredith nodded. She had no interest in jogging, but her shift was over, and she was ready to go home. The merits of jogging would be a debate better faced later.

As Meredith changed out of her scrubs and made her way to her jeep, a surge of relief washed over her. She found comfort knowing that her bed was only a short drive and a stairwell away. She navigated the streets home on auto-pilot, trying not to think of the fact that Derek was supposed to arrive on Sunday and would certainly stop by her house if for no other reason than to get the key to his trailer.

She wondered if it would be acceptable to leave it in an envelope on the door and pretend not to be home.

Meredith pulled into the driveway and smiled at the knowledge that her roommates wouldn't be home for at least a few more hours. She needed the time alone. She parked her jeep, grabbed her bag out of the passenger seat, and trudged up the walkway toward the front door, dragging her feet as she went. As she reached the last few steps, however, something far more irritating than an overly concerned roommate came into view.

Derek sat on the swing, slowly rocking back and forth. A heavy gray wool coat shrouded his shoulders, and his cheeks were pink from the cool night air. He watched her approaching, but his eyes looked unusually dark and tired as he waited for her to react. There was no telling exactly how long he'd been sitting there, but it had clearly been a while.

Meredith was completely paralyzed, unable to comprehend moving toward him. Even if her brain was firing the message to _go_ – run inside and close the door or turn back for your car – her limbs weren't up to receive the message. The only sensation she could feel was the rush of adrenaline igniting pain in her chest as her heart sped to unhealthy rhythms. She tried to move her tongue and lips to form words – syllables even – as there were so many things she wanted to say, but the surprise encounter rendered her speechless.

"You fixed the swing," she finally said, but it sounded like an accusation.

Derek smiled sadly. "I did. There was a pin..." He gestured toward the hinge at the top of the swing, but stopped. His hand dropped limply back into his lap, and he winced as if he had said something terribly wrong.

Meredith managed a couple tentative steps forward. "You're not supposed to be here for a few more days." Again, it sounded more hostile than she intended, but she couldn't think to regret it.

"I wanted to see you, so I rushed to wrap things up and left early."

She nodded even though she didn't fully register what he just said. "I'll get your trailer key," she decided as she continued to make her way up the sidewalk. She noticed that a large navy blue suitcase sat beside the front door, and Derek's leather satchel was flopped over beside it.

"Meredith…" He was on his feet, rushing to stand between her and her destination. He leaned into the archway, blocking her access to the handle, and his eyes practically begged her not to move any farther.

Meredith froze three feet in front of him. Her heart continued its angry thud into her ears, drowning out all other sounds. _Bastard. Being here now. Arriving early. _She folded her arms across her chest and glared defiantly. She wanted him to scamper back the way he came.

The daggers projecting from her eyes must have been too dull since Derek relaxed a bit and sighed. He glanced down at the ground and blinked slowly before looking back up at her. A lop-sided grin flickered across his face, and he shook his head in disbelief. "I've spent most of the week trying to figure out what to say to you once I got here, and now I don't have a clue."

"Your key's just on the table. Let me get it." She balled her fists, flexed and clenched as if ready to fight, and moved forward determined to push him out of her way, but he intercepted her hand before she could use any force. He clasped it tightly in his, like he was terrified of what she'd do if he let it go.

"No, don't—just stay. Please. Just give me a couple minutes." His thumb carefully grazed her knuckles, soothing her to oblige.

Meredith frowned and jerked her hand back. She hated that he had returned early almost as much as she hated being mad at him. She was too tired to fight and too vulnerable to win.

She dumped her belongings next to Derek's and retreated to the far side of the swing, feeling it shift beneath her weight for the first time in at least two and a half decades.

Derek followed, wisely opting not to sit too close. He folded his hands in his lap and rocked his heels against the sidewalk to propel the swing in a slow back and forth motion.

"I guess I should start by saying that I haven't been with Addison at all in the time that I've known you. I overreacted on the phone, and I'm sorry. I was planning to tell you. I should have done it sooner —I realize that now. It's just that every time I talked to you, Addison was the furthest thing from my mind."

"Convenient," Meredith reacted bitterly.

"No, that's not…" Derek raised his hand to his forehead and rubbed his temple as he grew flustered. He suddenly looked older, firmly settled in his forties rather than clinging to the youth Meredith brought out in him. "My divorce was finalized this morning," he finally admitted. "The paperwork's in my bag if you want to see it."

Something within Meredith shifted. _Divorced. Finalized. Past tense. Not married_. She turned toward him as her hostility began to evaporate. She didn't need to see the papers, but her expression encouraged him to continue.

"Six months ago, I was working on a study, practically living at the hospital. And then one night, I came home to find my wife. In my bed. With my best friend. And everything I thought I knew just vanished."

Derek seemed unusually tense as he spoke, resorting to hard, clipped phrases that hinted at deeper layers of pain. The swinging stopped momentarily, and Meredith had to swallow an urge to reach over and comfort him. Based on his body language, she could tell how much he hurt even talking about it.

She looked away, focusing her attention on the flickering lights in the window of a neighbor's house as the residents watched television. Anything to collect her thoughts.

"So where did I fit in? Was I some way to get back at your wife? A way for you to restore your ego?" She dropped her head and stared at her hands as she toyed with the loose-fitting silver watch on her wrist.

Derek reached over and rested his hand on hers to stop her from fidgeting.

"Don't you get it?" he said as their eyes met. "You've been the confidence I needed to get out and move on. I was spinning out of control, and you rescued me. You're everything I've needed for years without realizing it. It's like I was drowning, and you saved me."

"Really?" she heard herself say, defenses temporarily down.

Derek nodded. "After spending that weekend with you, there wasn't a decision left to make. I told Addison as soon as I got home that I was filing for a divorce."

The week and a half of misery clamored back to the fore, coaching Meredith ahead. "You should have told me."

"I wish I had," he admitted. He looked positively heartbroken as he stared back at her.

Tears flooded Meredith's eyes and the color drained from her face.

"You really hurt me."

"I know. I'm so sorry, Meredith."

"I want to believe you and trust you, but…"

"I have given up _everything_ in New York to move out here and be with you," he assured. He reached for her face, cupping it gently just as a tear trickled down her cheek.

"So that's it?' She bristled away from him, not certain she was ready to surrender just yet.

"That's _it_?" he asked incredulously. "What do you mean?"

"You make this big gesture and we return to the way things were, just like that?" She folded her arms again in defense.

"Meredith, I am pouring out my soul to you. What else can I do?"

"I don't know. I just…I can't go back and forget these last couple weeks. Things are different now." She turned away from him again, not wanting to see his reaction.

Derek continued rocking the swing back and forth. The only sound she thought she heard was him sniffling slightly, then clearing his throat.

"I really don't want to lose you," he eventually said. His voice blurred towards cracking, forcing him to whisper, "I love you too much to lose you now."

The trees rustled as a cold wind blew by, chilling the nearly dried tears on her face and sending a shiver down her spine. She closed her eyes and clamped her lips between her teeth, cushioning their chatter. The hissing spray of approaching tires moving along wet pavement urged her back into reality, and she panicked even more. Izzie? George? No, just an unfamiliar car headed somewhere else. The last thing she wanted was spectators. In a few minutes, when she told him to leave once and for all, maybe. Maybe then she'd be grateful to have the support. But now, as she was summoning the courage, she didn't want a cheering section that she might let down. She just needed a few more minutes to find some bravery.

Or maybe just to keep him close and to herself.

He'd said he loved her.

The swing came to a stop, and they both hesitated, anticipating the other to do or say something. Eventually the motion-sensitive porch light went out as they waited.

Meredith turned back toward him, ushering the return of the overhead glow and causing the swing to shift again.

"You fixed the swing."

"Meredith…" His eyes were locked on her face, searching for some sign that their fragile relationship was pieced back together.

She leaned toward him but stopped when he glanced at her lips, as if seeking permission to kiss her. She wanted to give in. He always smelled and tasted so good. So warm and safe. But she worried it was a trap. She'd be the mouse that wanted one last delicious taste of peanut butter only to be snapped in two. There had been many, many insecurities about their relationship to start with, and the discovery of Addison magnified them all ten-thousand fold.

Her chin dropped toward her chest. She couldn't look at him as a new batch of tears forced their way out.

Derek moved forward and rested his forehead against hers, delicately using the pads of his thumbs to wipe her eyes. He gripped her cheeks between his hands and tilted her head back up, aligning her lips with his. He pressed his mouth against hers tentatively, grazing her chin and lips with his coarse stubble. The tip of his nose was cold as it pressed against her face, but his mouth was as warm and inviting as ever. She succumbed, clutching the lapels of his jacket, as he took her breath away. She was scared to open her eyes in case this was all just a sleep-deprived hallucination, but she was also terrified that the moment she opened her eyes and actually looked at him, she'd be ready to forgive and forget everything. Admitting him back into her life gave him the power to shatter her world all over again, and if the experience of the previous two weeks was any indication, she couldn't endure that possibility.

A small whimper escaped her lips as reason triumphed. _Let him go. Let him go. This can't work. You can't do this. _She pushed Derek away from her and watched his face fall in disappointment. The color drained from his cheeks, making the contrast of the pink swell of his lips even stronger, and his eyes misted over. He was closer to crying than she had ever seen – at her doing – and her insides writhed in penance as a result.

"I guess I should go," he murmured without looking at her.

Meredith nodded mechanically. "I'll get your key."

She shuffled over to her bag, located her house key, and jabbed it into the lock. Even though she knew precisely where the key to Derek's trailer was located, she was grateful to have an excuse to stall a few seconds beyond the reach of his eyes or arms. She flipped on the foyer light and closed the door behind her before slouching down to the floor.

She had spent parts of her adult life secretly hoping to meet a man like Derek, someone capable of making her world stop while elevating her to the center of his universe. When she finally met him in person, she was certain that the search was over, and as much as she hated the fact that he kept Addison a secret and hid so much of his past, she knew that the moments they spent together weren't a façade. If she said it was over and let him leave, she'd have to give up on that part of her that felt entitled, just this once, to aim for happily ever after.

As much as she felt unprepared to forgive Derek, the alternative was so much worse.

Meredith groped on the mail table for Derek's key before leveraging herself back up off the floor. She could see him still sitting statuesque on the swing where she'd left him, and she knew with complete certainty that if their relationship were to end, it couldn't be like this.

She opened the front door again, allowing it to creak along its hinges as she hovered in the doorway watching him.

"It's going to be hard to make the last ferry to Bainbridge tonight, and you don't even have a car yet to get there. Maybe you should just stay here tonight." Meredith couldn't mask the uncertainty in her voice as she extended the invitation, so it was no surprise that he did a confused double-take.

"Are you sure?" He stood and edged toward his suitcase and satchel, ready to move in any direction she pointed.

Meredith shrugged. "It's late, and it's just one night."

Relief flooded his features and an indebted smile graced his lips. "Just one night," he repeated with a nod. He grabbed his belongings and slowly walked past Meredith as she held the door open for him.

"You can go ahead, and go upstairs to my room," she directed as she closed and latched the door behind him.

Derek continued to hesitate, clearly uncertain of what to make of the invitation.

Meredith smiled. "I think my roommates may try to murder you in your sleep if I let you take the couch." She turned out the light again. "It's better that they don't know you're here."

A faint glow from the streetlights outside streamed in an upstairs window, barely illuminating the path as she brushed past him and started up the stairs. Her footing felt unsteady as she took each step. It had taken as much courage to ask him to stay as it would've taken to tell him to go, and she was still unprepared for the reality of being alone with him in her room.

The echo of his footsteps behind her and the occasional thump of his oversized suitcase banging against the wooden steps sounded particularly loud given the absence of noise from other parts of the house. They were isolated together, and she hoped this temporary refuge could sustain itself long past last call at Joe's.

She moved cautiously, feeling the transition between hardwood floors and battered rugs beneath her Chucks. As soon as she was certain there was nothing left along the path to trip her, she rushed ahead and turned on the light inside her bedroom to guide Derek the remaining few steps. She tossed her tote bag in a chair by the door and casually stripped off her coat as she strategized her next move.

"Are you hungry?" she asked, hoping that food could fill the awkward chasm between them.

"Not really, but if you are, we can get something," Derek answered. He pushed his suitcase into the corner against the wall and folded his coat on top.

"No," Meredith said. She closed her bedroom door on the off chance someone actually was home. She'd made the mistake of thinking they were alone before.

Derek hovered near the wall, studying her every move. He didn't look upset as he had before, just bewildered.

Meredith tried to ignore him as she swept her hair up into a messy ponytail and pulled out a tee shirt and pajama bottoms from her dresser drawer.

"Are you going to sleep in here too?" Derek asked. He pushed his hands into the pockets of his dark jeans and leaned against the wall. He seemed unwilling to move over to the bed just yet. Given the mixed signals she'd been sending, she wouldn't blame him for expecting her to tell him to sleep on the floor.

Meredith paused and flexed her fingers around her pajamas. "Is that okay?"

"Of course, it's okay," he answered a little too quickly. "I just…what does this mean? Where do we stand?"

"I don't know yet," she answered honestly. "But I'm exhausted, and I don't think I'm going to figure it out tonight. So, I'm going to get ready for bed. You should do the same."

She carried her pajamas into the bathroom without waiting for a reaction, secretly cursing herself for letting him stay. She'd already flipped to the final pages of the book – she knew how this was going to end. There was no chance that she'd be able to resist him. She had the willpower of a binge dieter touring Godiva Headquarters. Still, as she prepared for bed and changed into her ratty Dartmouth tee shirt and oversized flannel pants, she convinced herself that she'd put up a good fight.

Derek was already settled beneath the covers and fiddling with his Sidekick when Meredith emerged from the bathroom. His fingers continued to dance across the buttons, but his eyes followed her every step to her side of the bed. She pulled back the blankets and slid underneath, watching him back. The overhead lighting had been substituted with the lamps on the nightstands on either side of the bed, enveloping the room with a soft, calming glow. Her guard dropped slightly as she watched him put the device away and turn toward her without violating their unofficial demilitarized zone in the middle of the bed.

"So, what kind of best friend sleeps with your wife?" she probed. She decided she was entitled to ask any question she wanted at this stage, and she was going to take advantage of that. She pulled the hair tie out and let her hair cascade down past her shoulders. She then nestled the pillows under her head and settled in like she was listening to a bedtime story at a slumber party.

Derek lifted and lowered his eyebrows. "The kind that senses opportunity, I guess."

"How long were you married?"

"Eleven years."

Meredith was surprised by the answer. _Eleven years._ It sounded so long ago.

It would have sounded long if he'd said eleven months.

"Were you happy?"

"Sometimes," he said, "but not towards the end. Not when it all happened."

"What did you do?"

Derek grimaced and swallowed thickly. "I moved out. Stayed in a hotel, but usually slept in my office."

Meredith leaned closer to him without realizing it. "That sounds pretty awful."

"It was. But then I met you." His expression filled with adoration, and he reached across to brush a stray wisp of hair away from her face before retreating to his side of the bed.

"But then you met me," she said.

"I don't know if I could've gotten through it any other way." He rested his hand flat on the bed just below his chin as he clutched his own pillow.

Meredith blushed, suddenly feeling self-conscious.

"It helped knowing that something so much better than what I had with Addison was waiting for me in Seattle. I could actually talk to you and be myself. Part of me was absent with her."

"The part that likes trees and camping?"

"And ferry boats, among other things." His expression relaxed into a loving smile that crinkled the corners of his eyes. "It's nice being with someone who appreciates ferry boats."

Meredith took a deep breath, summoning the courage to relay the message the rational, non-emotionally attached part of her needed to get out.

"I think we need to take things slow this time. I still don't know what I'm ready for, and the hospital situation is going to be complicated," she explained. She drew random shapes along the sheets with her index finger, eventually making her way to Derek's hand. She outlined his fingers along the bed, barely grazing each soft digit.

"Okay," he whispered back as he watched her hand dance around his own.

And then it was over. Emotion struck a final, shattering blow at her rational half, and she was no longer concerned with consequences. Her fingers dropped to interlace with his and her eyes glazed as she stared at him.

"I've really missed you, Derek," she said in a voice that made her feel two inches tall.

He squeezed her hand tightly back. "I've missed you, too."

"I'm glad you came back."

Derek sighed, seeming almost amused. "Of course, I came back. I'll always come back." His lips curled into a warm smile that reminded her of that first electrifying moment – that undeniable spark – when they met in person. As much as it terrified her to admit it, she loved him, too.

Meredith nodded gratefully and turned out the light. Although she rolled over to face away from him, she didn't resist a bit when he inched closer and closer, eventually spooning her. As their arms and legs naturally wrapped and intertwined, Meredith drifted into the deepest and most secure sleep she had experienced in a long, long time.


	13. Chapter 13

**Author's Note: Thanks for all of the love and encouragement last chapter. I've been on a huge writing binge lately, and I can't begin to express how much the reviews motivate me when I hit a wall and really want to bash my head against the keyboard. Fortunately, I'm enjoying the process of writing this story quite a bit at the moment, and there are more parts on the not-so-distant horizon. Many thanks to my ridiculously gifted beta on this chapter, who has delivered multiple swift kicks to my ass to make this chapter better. Hopefully, I've done my part. Enjoy!**

Meredith nestled closer to the warm body beside her, momentarily forgetting all preconditions of taking things slow. Her foot slid along Derek's leg, catching against the soft flannel of his pajama bottoms, and her hand massaged its way along the arm he'd draped over her. She blinked slowly, allowing her eyes to transition from dreaming to the reality of the bright morning sun streaming through the curtains. It was such a contrast to the cloudy gray skies she typically woke up to.

Derek immediately responded to her touch by hugging her closer. "Good morning," he said, although his voice was hoarse and a bit garbled from sleep.

Meredith smiled. "Good morning," she replied, content to let the conversation stop there so they could linger in silence a bit longer. It was far easier than thinking of something appropriate to say given the precarious status of their relationship. She glanced at her alarm clock and marveled at the fact that she'd managed to sleep past nine. The TV was on downstairs, and she could hear someone—probably Izzie—running the mixer in the kitchen, so it seemed as though the rest of the world was awake already. But Meredith didn't need to join them just yet. She was happy just where she was.

She interlaced her fingers with his and nestled even closer. Her neck was angled invitingly just below his lips, and when he took the hint and kissed her there, she breathed out a contented sigh.

Derek pushed up the fabric of her tee shirt sleeve, exposing her shoulder. "Did you sleep okay?" he asked before tentatively resting his lips there. He seemed nervous, as if he was testing boundaries and waiting for her to recoil in shock. But she didn't.

"Shockingly well," she said. She rolled onto her back so she could look at him. His face was shadowed with thick stubble and his hair jutted in multiple directions, reminding Meredith of how much she'd missed these moments with Derek. The times early in the morning where she saw him stripped of perfect pretenses were the moments she felt safest with him. He was just as vulnerable as she was.

She extended her hand to his hair, raking through the soft dark curls before letting her palm graze the sandpaper-like stubble along his jaw.

"Me, too," he said. The sheets shifted as he propped his head against his hand and rested his other hand on her stomach. He smiled and lifted his eyebrows. "Your bed is very comfortable. I wouldn't mind spending more time in it." His voice was laced with innuendo, but his playful gaze morphed into one of concern as soon as the last word escaped his lips, as if he wanted to retract the words for a more cautious approach.

Meredith ignored the transformation and stifled a giggle. "Are you fishing for another invitation to spend the night?"

His expression brightened. "Maybe."

She pulled him towards her, drawing him in for a kiss that felt more natural than awkward. They were opposite poles of a powerful magnet spaced just near enough together to close the distance on their own.

"The day works, too," he said, "if you just want to spend the rest of the day here with me." His thumb grazed the fabric of her tee shirt just below her sternum, cautiously communicating the suggestion.

Meredith groaned and rolled her eyes as she recognized exactly where this was headed—where she was encouraging this to go, even. If she was going to have any chance of making a rational decision about their relationship, she needed to brake immediately. "Slow, Derek. We're taking things slow. Sex? Not slow."

"Oh, I disagree. It could be very, very slow," he teased before leaning over to kiss her jaw.

Meredith slid out from beneath his hand and turned to her side before he could exert any additional powers of persuasion. "I mean it, Derek. Yesterday at this time I wanted to run you over with my car. I need to think, and I can't think when you're like that. Give me time to figure this out."

Derek's face fell. "Sorry," he said. "I'm trying to…" His nose scrunched in confusion. "This is unfamiliar territory."

Meredith nodded. She knew she was sending him mixed signals—telling him to leave, and then asking him to stay the night; snuggling against him and initiating physical contact but then telling him to stop. She couldn't make sense of it herself, much less give him a sense of where they were.

"I know. I'm sorry," Meredith said.

"It's hard for me to wake up with you and kiss you and not have any idea what that means," Derek said. He didn't seem angry or upset, just lost.

Meredith leaned back against her pillow and rested her arm across her eyes, blocking out the light so she could try to think clearly. Much of her anger had definitely subsided overnight, but whether or not she was ready to dive back into their relationship was open for debate.

Derek waited a few moments before proceeding cautiously. "Do you want to give us another try?" He sounded far less confident than when he'd been flirting with her, as if the answer he was seeking may be entirely out of reach.

Meredith let out a long sigh. "You wouldn't be here right now if I didn't want to," she said. "I just don't know if I should." It was the most honest thing she could say to explain her feelings about him. She rolled back over to face him and rested her hand close enough to his chest that she could feel the heat radiating from his body without actually touching him.

"I think you should," he whispered. "Look, if I could go back and change things…" He closed his eyes and took a deep breath. "If I could fix it so that I had been the one to tell you about Addison, I would. But all I can do is tell you that there are no more secrets and hope you believe me."

Meredith searched his face, trying to pick up on some indication that she shouldn't trust him. Maybe his eye would twitch or he would blink too many times and she could cling to her doubts, but everything about him in this moment seemed entirely genuine.

"I can't promise I'll trust you right away," she said.

Derek shrugged. "I understand."

"But I guess we can try again," she said. Meredith closed her eyes and swallowed thickly, as if she'd just attempted to disable a bomb but wasn't certain that she'd cut the right cable.

Derek cupped his hand around Meredith's and squeezed it tightly.

"I still want to take things slow, though," she added.

"Okay," he said. His legs shifted beneath the covers, and he slid a bit closer to her, his foot brushing against her toes. "What does _that_ mean, exactly?" He smiled again as he eased back into the role of the charmer Meredith struggled to resist.

She shook her head, frustrated that she couldn't give an answer. "If I could draw you a map, I would," she mumbled.

Derek tried not to laugh. "A map would be nice." He leaned in closer, almost touching her nose with his. "Maybe you could just tell me what's allowed. Like kissing, for example," he whispered as he quickly grazed her lips with his. "Is kissing allowed?"

Meredith ran her teeth over her lower lip, tracing the place his mouth had been. It wasn't much of a decision, particularly since she'd initiated it two minutes ago. "Just kissing," she said. "I think that would be okay." She kissed him back, allowing her lips to linger against his even longer.

"Good," he said as he pulled away. "I missed kissing you. A lot. I'm all for the kissing."

Meredith crinkled her nose. "Somehow, I knew you would be." Her fingers tangled in his hair as she drew him back to her. She knew this was already dangerous being in bed together, and she wasn't certain she could draw the line between kissing and anything else with Derek. But after a week of thinking that she'd never get this opportunity again, she was willing to overlook a lot of details, including morning breath and stubble.

Derek shifted so he was leaning against Meredith. His mouth moved slowly along her jaw and toward her ear as his hand followed the curve of her hips. She inhaled sharply as his teeth tugged on her earlobe, and while she knew with absolute certainty that lines –thick, black, Sharpie-drawn lines with alarms and flashing lights – were being approached, if not crossed, her only response was to writhe willingly against him.

The mattress creaked beneath them, momentarily concealing the sound of the bedroom door opening.

"Jogging!" Cristina blurted. "Let's go!" Her voice lingered on the "oh" sound and changed considerably in tone as Meredith scrambled to push Derek away. He groaned in agitation and buried his head against a pillow while Meredith sat up.

"You don't knock?" Meredith whined as she pulled the blankets around her waist. Even though her pajamas were still fully on, she felt entirely naked. Her skin flushed with embarrassment, and her heart raced in her chest as her eyes shifted between Cristina's shocked expression and Derek's disappointed one.

Cristina snorted in disbelief. "Well, look who's here!" She made no effort to hide the judgment in her tone. She crossed her arms and leaned against the door frame as if settling in to wait for an explanation.

"His plane got in last night," Meredith said.

"Of course, it did," Cristina said, glaring at him.

Derek slid out from the blankets and sat on the edge of the bed. He faced away from both of them, making his expression completely unreadable as his shoulders raised and lowered with each deep breath. His head swayed back and forth a couple times in frustration, and then he stood up.

"I'll go downstairs," he said to Meredith. "You two can talk." He rubbed Meredith's arm soothingly before turning to plod barefoot out of the room, brushing past Cristina on the way out.

Meredith frowned at Cristina for ruining the moment and exposing her secret guest. There was no sense stopping him from going downstairs, now. She couldn't keep his presence secret from her roommates forever, especially if Cristina knew he was there. She just hoped that Izzie wasn't using any knives to chop anything if he wandered into the kitchen.

Meredith collapsed back against her pillows and listened to Derek's footsteps on the stairs. "It's not what you think," she said.

Cristina crossed the room and sat at the foot of the bed. "Clearly," she huffed.

Meredith sat up again and faced her friend, undeterred by the sarcasm. "We didn't have sex," she said.

Surprise flashed across Cristina's face before she rolled her eyes. "Yet," she added.

Meredith grimaced, recognizing the undercurrent of truth in her Cristina's comment. If she hadn't showed up, sex could have become a very real possibility. "We're taking it slow. We're still figuring things out."

"And how does his wife feel about that?" Cristina's jaw clenched as if the torch of anger had been passed from Meredith to Cristina.

"He's divorced."

"Of course, he is."

"And they were separated when we met," Meredith said, hoping it would magically change Cristina's disposition.

It didn't.

"Look, I get that you like him and that he makes you all tingly in your warm, gooey places, but have you completely forgotten that he lied to you? That he just omitted a huge part of his life that was maybe relevant to your relationship with him?"

"I haven't forgotten," Meredith said. She pulled Derek's pillow out and hugged it to her chest. "I haven't." She took a deep breath and was surprised to smell a hint of his aftershave in the cotton pillowcase. For a brief moment, she wondered how quickly that would fade once he left.

Cristina sighed. "You're just choosing to overlook it."

"Honestly, I don't know _what_ I'm doing," Meredith admitted. She ran her fingers along the seams of the pillowcase, tracing the tiny stitches.

"But you're taking him back," Cristina said. Her eyes bored into Meredith and waited for acknowledgment of what had been clear the moment she walked in the room and saw Derek and Meredith together.

Meredith gazed down at the mess of blankets on the bed, wishing they would swallow her up and give her a place to hide for a while. When she had been alone with Derek, the decision had seemed simple. She'd wanted to be with him and try to make things work, even if that required a tremendous leap of faith on her part.

"I want to try," she said weakly.

Cristina stood up and paced the room, clearly eyeing Derek's large suitcase in the corner, while Meredith braced herself for any of the things Cristina could argue. She might remind Meredith of the miserable nights of drinking binges that always ended in tears, but only sometimes yielded sleep. Or she could point out that Derek was about to be their boss. There were so many possible arguments against the relationship.

Fortunately, Cristina relented.

Meredith watched Cristina zip up her sweatshirt and wander back to the bedroom door. "You better be sure this is what you want, Mere," Cristina instructed. "It's only going to get more complicated from here." She turned to leave but hesitated, hovering in the doorway. "I won't watch him hurt you again. I don't care whose boss he is."

Meredith nodded. It was far from a ringing endorsement of support for the relationship, but it was the most she could ask from Cristina for now. And it was a healthy dose of realism. Things _would_ get more complicated.

Cristina jogged down the steps. The front door slammed, and Meredith listened for the roar of Cristina's motorcycle starting a few seconds later. She expected Derek to come back to the room now that the risk of castration seemed to be eliminated, but it sounded like he was talking to Izzie in the kitchen. She couldn't make out what they were saying, but even through the muffled sounds she could detect that the conversation was at least civil.

Meredith tossed the pillow to the side and reluctantly crawled out of bed. There was no sense hiding in her room while Derek faced her friends downstairs, and she had to admit that she was a little hungry as the scent of breakfast and coffee wafted upstairs. She pulled some mismatched blue and white socks out of a drawer and hobbled out of the room as she tried to put them on without falling over. She was more than a little curious about what Derek and Izzie could be talking about, and she didn't even realize that she was tiptoeing as she approached the kitchen, hoping to overhear a snippet of conversation before they had a chance to realize she was there.

"So, you add lemon juice into the batter?" Izzie asked incredulously as she watched Derek mix an assortment of ingredients.

Meredith smiled, pleased that they were trading recipes instead of gossip.

"Just a little," Derek explained. He braced a bowl of yellowish batter against his stomach and whisked it together as he walked toward the stove.

Izzie grabbed some silverware and turned toward the table to set it, catching sight of Meredith in the process. "Morning, Mere," she said warmly. She arched her eyebrows and glanced over at Derek without him noticing, silently communicating her curiosity about his arrival before he turned to see Meredith as well.

"Good morning," Meredith answered. She set off toward the coffee pot as if that had been her destination the whole time, and she hadn't been eavesdropping at all. "You're making breakfast?" she asked Derek as she located a mug and poured her coffee.

He dropped some batter into a skillet, triggering a loud sizzle. "Izzie said you like pancakes," he said with a quick wink. He intercepted Meredith's coffee cup from her and took a short sip before handing it back and returning his attention to the stove.

"Well, I like _Izzie's_ pancakes," Meredith teased as she walked over to the table and settled into one of the old wooden chairs that moaned beneath her weight.

Derek grabbed a towel and wiped up a bit of batter that dribbled down the side of the bowl before turning to Meredith, armed with a spatula. "I think you'll like mine, too," he said. "Maybe you just never knew what you were missing." His lips spread into a playful grin that reassured that he wasn't trying to insult Izzie's cooking in any way.

"We'll see," Meredith said. She reached for the newspaper and quickly skimmed the headlines before digging around for the crossword puzzle. It was far easier to think of four-letter-words for clothing than think about how she should spend the rest of her day, with or without Derek.

"So, are you officially moved to Seattle now?" Izzie asked Derek as she started slicing a banana into a large serving bowl.

Meredith's head tilted slightly as she took in the conversation.

"Pretty much," he answered. He turned the heat on the burner down and turned over a perfectly browned pancake. "I'm here, and my trailer is here, I hope, but most of my stuff won't arrive until the end of the week—including my car."

Izzie finished one banana and began unpeeling another. "You had it shipped from New York?"

"Mmm-hmm," Derek agreed. "There really wasn't much that I wanted to bring beyond my clothes and my car. If I hadn't been in such a hurry to get out here, I probably could have just driven it myself." His eyes met Meredith's, and she quickly dropped her gaze back to her crossword puzzle, embarrassed that she had been watching him the entire time he spoke.

"Ah," Izzie murmured, seeming to understand the source for his sense of urgency. "So, what are you going to do without your car?"

"I'll probably just get a rental," he said with a shrug.

Meredith couldn't be sure whether she was disappointed or relieved that he wouldn't be relying on her for his transportation the rest of the week. She hadn't minded that set up when he was just visiting Seattle, although she recognized that it would soon get tiresome, especially once he started work.

Derek flipped the first batch of pancakes before searching the cupboards for a plate. He grabbed a strawberry and banana from Izzie's prep area, and returned to the stove where he worked silently as Meredith pretended not to watch.

"Maple syrup?" he asked. Izzie grabbed a bottle from the refrigerator and handed it to him, smirking as she saw what Derek was up to. Meredith shifted in her chair and tried to see what was so funny, but his body blocked her view.

Derek held the plate in the palm of his hand like a waiter carrying a tray. He looked particularly proud of himself as he walked toward Meredith, his bare feet flexing against the linoleum. "Your breakfast," he said as he lowered the plate to the table.

Meredith immediately burst out laughing as she saw his creation. Derek had stacked three pancakes and designed a smiley face with sliced banana eyes and mouth and a strawberry nose. Maple syrup pooled off to each side, creating the illusion of hair.

"Surgery's not my only talent," he declared smugly.

Meredith snorted and reached for her fork. "I already knew that," she said.

Derek laughed and kissed the top of her head before returning to make another batch.

Meredith couldn't help smiling as she took her first bite. The sweetness of the syrup and fruit matched her mood perfectly. Her encounter with Cristina felt like a distant memory as she watched Derek cook. Something about him navigating the kitchen in his pajamas just fit, and she hoped to have a chance to experience more mornings like this with him.

Izzie brought over a pitcher of orange juice and more sliced fruit to the table. Derek was still plowing through the pancake batter, so it created a prime opportunity to pry Meredith for information. Izzie sat in the chair next to Meredith and stared anxiously, as if telepathic communication could guide the entire conversation.

"Are you two back together?" Izzie eventually mouthed, giving up on her extra sensory powers.

Meredith's mouth was full of pancake, so she merely shrugged. She wasn't able to hide her giddiness, however, so it was clear what direction she was leaning.

Izzie's brow scrunched in confusion, and she pointed to her left ring finger.

Meredith swallowed, relieved to find this interrogation far less intense than the one from Cristina. "Divorced," she mouthed back.

"Ah," Izzie said aloud, and nodded slowly that she understood.

Derek turned around to find both women staring at him. "World's best pancakes?" he asked. He seemed a bit nervous, but given how clearly Izzie and Meredith had been talking about him, that came as no surprise.

"I don't know. I might need some more to decide," Meredith teased. She sliced away another piece, sliding it through the syrup before lifting it to her mouth.

Derek turned the stove off and slid the last few pancakes onto a plate that was already close to toppling over from his efforts. "Fortunately, I made lots," he said as he brought them over to the table and placed them between Meredith and Izzie. Izzie helped herself to a couple while Derek settled in the chair on Meredith's other side.

"What, I don't get the smiley face plating on mine?" Izzie complained playfully.

Derek ignored her, choosing instead to reach over to Meredith's chair and rest his hand against the back of it as he leaned into her. "Anything else I can get for you?" he asked. It was clear that his sole focus was Meredith, and the attention was intoxicating.

"No," she said. She started to close the remaining space between them as she contemplated kissing him, but she didn't want to do it in front of Izzie. She also considered that the next time she started kissing him, she might not be able to stop. Now that she'd decided to give their relationship another try, the line for taking it slow was starting to blur.

She returned to her breakfast but eyed him suggestively as she lifted her coffee mug to her lips. She took a long sip, and moved her leg to hook around his beneath the table.

Derek grinned impishly. It was obvious they had reached some sort of understanding, and while Meredith hadn't explicitly given him the go ahead, he seemed to be undressing her with his eyes. She blushed as the memories of what sex with him was like flooded back to her. It didn't take long for those thoughts to shift to imagining their eventual makeup sex. The way their bodies would reunite, cautious at first before turning more primal. The way his hands, mouth, and tongue would instinctively know just where and how to touch her. The way it would feel as he slowly pushed inside of her, allowing her body to acclimate to his all over again. The sounds he'd make as he approached orgasm. The sounds he'd elicit from her…

Meredith's hand trembled as she returned her coffee mug to the table. Her skin burned. The room suddenly felt at least twenty degrees too warm. She shifted uncomfortably in her chair, wishing Izzie would either leave or Derek would finish eating quickly so she could get him entirely to herself.

Izzie took a section of the newspaper from beneath Meredith's crossword and began looking at it in between bites of breakfast. She seemed entirely unaware of the dirty thoughts that changed Meredith from wanting seconds of pancakes to wanting hours of Derek. Izzie poured herself another glass of orange juice, and then spoke without looking up from the paper. "Any plans for the day?"

"No," Meredith answered. "No plans."

Derek's head tilted to the side as he gave her a confused look. "Actually, I should probably move to my trailer today." In some ways, it was more of a question then a statement. He seemed to be seeking confirmation from Meredith as he said it.

Meredith sucked her lips between her teeth, unwilling to confirm that he'd be shipped off to his trailer any time soon.

"Is it furnished?" Izzie asked, glancing up as she spoke. She seemed to be making small talk more than taking a genuine interest in the subject.

"It's supposed to be. I haven't actually seen it yet," Derek said. "Beyond the pictures, that is." He continued watching Meredith curiously as he took a bite of his pancake.

"We should probably get going pretty soon, then, huh?" Meredith said. She stood up from the table so fast that her head spun. The dizziness subsided almost as quickly as it had started, however, and she carried her plate and mug to the sink to start cleaning up.

Derek turned around in his chair and watched her. "You're not having more?" He sounded disappointed.

The water from the faucet came out too hot against her hand, causing her to jump back in momentary pain. She adjusted the temperature as she rinsed off her plate. "No," she said, feeling slightly guilty. "I guess I'm not as hungry as I thought. They were wonderful, though," she said. "I certainly wouldn't mind if you made them again for me." She turned off the water and set the dishes off to the side before turning back toward him. She leaned against the countertop and wiped her hands off on an old blue dishtowel. The friction of the cloth and his eyes surveying her body left her feeling warmer and even more confined than before.

Derek seemed less than satisfied with her response. "Are you feeling okay?"

"I'm fine," Meredith answered. "I'm just…" _Imagining you naked? Fantasizing about make-up sex?_ "I think I'm going to go upstairs and take a shower." She turned and made her way for the stairs, feeling Derek's eyes on her as long as she was within view. She wasn't really planning to take a shower yet, but it was the only plausible excuse she could think of to get out of the kitchen.

Meredith left her bedroom door open when she collapsed back on her bed. She wanted to hear clearly when Derek was coming back upstairs, and she hugged the pillows as she waited.

It took him less than three minutes.

"Mere, are you okay?" he asked again as he walked in and closed the door behind him. He looked concerned—almost panicked—as he stared at her coiled up in bed again. He continued holding onto the doorknob, as if she might tell him to leave.

She sat up and stretched, feeling the fabric of her tee shirt become taut and snug against her chest as she moved. "You fixed the swing _and _you made me breakfast," she said.

"Yeah," he said, inching forward.

"And you left New York early just to see me," she continued.

"I hated not talking to you," he said, still perplexed. "I would've come sooner, but…"

"I missed you, Derek."

His anxiety seemed to melt away, and a cautious smile took its place. "I missed you, too." He closed the door and walked toward the bed so he could sit facing her.

Meredith's hands gravitated toward the waistband of his pants as she tugged him closer. "I don't think you understand," she said, practically growling in his ear. "I think I _really_ missed you."

"Really?" he answered with a mix of surprise and sudden enthusiasm.

Meredith kissed along his jaw, savoring the slightly salty taste as her tongue met his skin. "Really," she said as she leaned back and pulled him on top of her. His weight shifted against her leg, but he didn't seem quite as passionate yet.

Derek moved away from her mouth and slid his fingers through her hair, staring down at her with what seemed to be painful restraint. "Meredith," he said very seriously. "Are you sure you want this? I don't mind taking things slow…"

Meredith felt like a boulder was making its way down her throat as she swallowed. She hadn't anticipated him showing any hesitation. She imagined that as soon as she gave the green light, he'd be tearing her clothes off. The fact that he wasn't made her begin to doubt.

"If you don't want to—" she started.

"What? No, of course I want to," he stammered. "But this morning, you said…and now, you're…I just don't want you to regret it, but of course I want to." He seemed particularly flustered by the whole situation, and the unexpected awkwardness was making Meredith regret demanding sex so soon.

She settled against the pillow and closed her eyes. He balanced on top of her, crushing her against the mattress and igniting her senses with his warmth and scent. His fingers remained tangled in her hair, combing through it along her temples soothingly as he waited. She opened her eyes again and stared into an ocean of blue.

"Derek." Her mind moved past the possibility of regret. She wanted him back – wanted him _now_ – and would have to deal with the consequences later. She licked her lips and reached for his hair, twisting one of his longer curls around her finger.

A sense of terror lingered somewhere just behind his dark, brooding eyes. "I won't hurt you again, Mere. I don't ever want you to regret—"

Meredith covered his mouth with hers before he had the chance to continue. She knew they probably had far more to say to each other and many more things to work out about their reconciliation. She also knew that he probably _would _hurt her again, somehow. But _she_ was done. Done feeling the pain. The distance. The missing him. He was here again, and that was all she wanted for now.

Her legs spread underneath him, and she wrapped one leg over his to hold him in place. Her hips lifted and lowered, grinding against him until she could feel his arousal pushing back against her pelvic bone. His hands slowly drifted to the swell of her breasts, waving a white flag of surrender, if he ever really was resisting in the first place, and his mouth conquered as greedily as her own.

She traced the curve of his spine beneath his tee, eventually winding down to plant her hands on his hips. She tugged against the elastic of his pajama bottoms and his boxers before sliding her hands underneath and pushing the clothes away just enough so she could rake her fingers against his soft skin. She tickled the muscular curves of his gluts as he continued to grind against her slowly, cautiously, as if the whole thing could be called off at any moment.

Her eyes narrowed as his hands pushed up her tee shirt and gently caressed her nipples into hardened, receptive peaks. "Make love to me, Derek," she encouraged.

Derek paused as if he'd been granted the one wish he thought least likely to be fulfilled and didn't know what to do next. It didn't take him long to figure it out. He always managed to know exactly where to touch and how to move when it came to sex with Meredith. He pulled her shirt off, over her head, and grabbed her hair so her head would tilt to the side. His lips met her ear, her jaw, her neck, her collarbone in slow, delicate turns as she shifted beneath him.

"I've missed you, too," he whispered as he cupped her breasts in his hands, eliciting a low-pitched groan in the process. Her breaths came in shallow puffs. Her hips rolled against him as she writhed to build friction in her most sensitive places. His hair felt like a million strands of silk as she ran her fingers through it before clawing at his tee shirt. She wanted to feel skin against skin. She wanted to feel the chest hairs that trailed lower to the part of his body she yearned for. Sensing her request, he halted just long enough to strip off his shirt.

"Oh, I need…" Her mind drifted into a haze of incomprehension. _More? This? You?_ There were so many ways she could finish the sentence, and any request she made was certain to be honored.

"What do you need?" he asked in a voice so husky that if not for the proximity, she wouldn't have recognized it. His hands grazed her stomach and hips, tickling against her. Soon, her remaining layers of clothing were tugged off, and he discovered the wetness the mere memory of him had triggered between her thighs. She gasped as he navigated her skin, his conquest nearly complete. Her eyes rolled back, sending her world from a shimmer of golds and browns to dark crimson. Her hands kneaded his back, gripping his shoulder blades, desperate to hold onto any part of him. As his fingers dipped inside of her, coiling her like a tightly wound spring ready to pop, a flurry of indecipherable syllables tumbled from her lips.

"Tell me. What do you need?" He fondled her, letting the tension build, build, build slowly, glacially, as she arched her back.

"You," she said. "Just you." She looked at him with hooded, hungry eyes and felt the smile spread across her face as he kissed his way back to her mouth.

He pressed against her through his pajamas, revealing how ready he was to be inside her. "Condoms?"

"In the nightstand."

Derek rolled off and opened the drawer, scooting to the edge of the bed to pull off the rest of his clothes in frantic, hurried strokes.

Meredith shivered. Her body was flushed and warm, but it felt much colder without the constant heat of his body against hers. She sat up and leaned against him, flattening her breasts against his back. She kissed his neck and trailed a finger along his side as she listened to him unwrap the condom and put it on. She was far too love-stoned to think clearly, but she couldn't shake the memories of all the times they'd had sex before, and she knew – just knew – that this time would far surpass them all.

She'd never wanted him more.

He stood up and turned, reveling in the sight of her. Their eyes locked, expressing chronicles of love and apologies their mouths and egos would never release. He pushed the blankets away from her legs and kneeled between her thighs. The weight of uncertainty had been lifted, and their minds reconciled just as their bodies did.

Meredith's name came out in a moan as he pushed inside her, sliding deeper and deeper as he filled her. The breath she'd been holding in anticipation whuffed out of her, and she sobbed as the push stopped and reversed into a pull. He cupped her shoulders and pushed again, somehow deeper still, and started an excruciatingly slow push-pull, push-pull rhythm that she never wanted to end. Her body tightened as she flexed every possible muscle that could sense him, draw him closer, and her vision blurred like she was looking through water.

"Oh, god," she prayed as his tip grazed her g-spot, nudging her closer to her euphoric descent. "That's it. Don't stop!"

He answered by subtly increasing the force of each thrust and burying his head against her neck. His tongue worked at the hollow just below her ear, building, building, building until she couldn't stand it any longer. Her face pinched in pleasure, and a series of uncontrollable grunts drove her throat dry. She pushed down on his lower back, taking control of the pace of his thrusts as she writhed and bucked back against him. And then it hit, slow at first, like a flowing stream that plunged into rapids before cascading into a waterfall. Her body quivered, throbbed, pulsated as he resumed control and continued filling her to delirium.

Wave after pleasure-filled wave wracked her body, and she felt the tension building again, flooding her veins with toe-curling fire, flooding her senses with the scent of his hair, his musk, and reminding her over and over again why she'd never ever want sex with anybody else. Nobody else could make her feel so loved, so worshiped, that her whole body tingled at a touch.

"Oh, Meredith, oh…" he growled as the headboard began banging loudly against the wall. She was too far beyond caring if Izzie could hear. Derek was back in Seattle, with her, where he belonged, and this was his homecoming.

He tensed inside her and then erupted in a series of spasms so intense that his whole body shuttered against hers. He pushed into her throbbing sex a few more times, gradually slowing like a wind-up toy running out of power, and collapsed against her.

"Did you…?" he asked, looking up at her. His face was flushed, and his moist breath greeted her cheek in short, labored gusts.

"You couldn't tell?" she retorted in disbelief. Even in her best performances, and there had been many before Derek, she couldn't have faked a climax like that. "Which time couldn't you tell?"

Derek grunted. She'd certainly done her part to pacify his ego with her last comment.

They lay together silently as Meredith ran her hands against his damp spine, occasionally stroking all the way up to his neck and tangling in his hair before sliding down again. It was quiet. Peaceful. Safe.

Eventually he shifted and sighed as he withdrew from her. He caressed her cheek with a soft kiss, and then crawled out of bed to clean himself up. He picked up his boxers from the floor and walked into the bathroom, not bothering to turn on the light or close the door behind him.

Meredith pulled the covers up over her shoulders and turned to face the bathroom door. She heard the plastic garbage liner rustle and the faucet begin running. It turned off almost as abruptly as it started, and before long, he was pulling back the covers to settle beside her. She snuggled close, breathing him in, as she rested her head against his chest. The blankets were tucked in around her, and his fingers combed through her hair in a soothing way that started to lull her back to sleep.

Just as she was crossing the boundary between consciousnesses, his voice cautiously tore into her thoughts.

"I was going to tell you about Addison that night, but I couldn't get you on the phone." He crushed her in an embrace that nearly stopped air from inflating her lungs.

Hearing that name again made her feel like she had been sucker punched in the gut.

"When?" she asked as his grip eventually loosened.

"The day after I went back to New York. I called Addison and told her I was filing, and then I dealt with my lawyer and turned in my resignation at the hospital all before lunch. It was awful, and the one person I wanted to comfort me was across the country." His fingers grazed her arm, her shoulder, and her side before settling just below the curve of her hip. "I missed you so much."

Meredith blinked and stared unseeing across the room. His suitcase was still unopened in the corner, and the room was growing darker as clouds filtered out the late morning sun from streaming through her window.

"You didn't have to do it all alone. If you hadn't waited…" It wasn't really the point anymore, and she knew it. She knew that he regretted not telling her by the very fact he was bringing it up again now. But there was nothing either one could do to change the past, and while Meredith wondered what would have happened if she'd taken his call – how different the last couple weeks might have been – she had to wonder if he was telling the truth or revising history to make himself feel better. That, she'd never really know.

"If my stupid hesitations had cost us our relationship, I don't think I could've forgiven myself," he admitted.

Meredith shuddered. If he was saying these things just to win her back, he was doing so very convincingly.

_I love you too much to lose you now._

"Why _didn't_ you tell me sooner? We were talking several times a day, and…" Tears pricked at the back of Meredith's eyes, remnants of the hurt that had been eating away at her for days.

Derek held his breath, bringing a halt to the soothing rhythm of the rise and fall of his chest against Meredith's cheek. He swallowed and exhaled in a long, labored gust. "You made me feel…" His voice wavered, all confidence beaten out of him. "You made me feel perfect," he said, his voice reduced to a hoarse wisp of what it typically was. "I didn't want to tell you I'd failed."

The tears made their way to the brim of her eyelids, threatening to overflow as she glanced up at him and realized that he was one step ahead of her. Water had left a crystalline trail from the corner of his eye to the side of his jaw before disappearing. He looked shattered emotionally, physically, mentally, and Meredith wondered if she would even be capable of helping piece him back together. It would be a slow process; glue one part in place and let it dry before moving on to another.

"I don't need you to be perfect, Derek. I don't expect you to be perfect." She traced her fingers along the side of his face, feeling her skin slide against his as she wiped away the remnants of his misery. "If you were perfect all the time, I'd probably start to hate you."

A hint of a smile flickered, paving the way for a look of adoration to wash over his features. It was his look. _Their_ look. The one that made Meredith turn into the fluffy pile of gooey mush or whatever Cristina had said. Either way, Meredith couldn't help but feel like all the love she'd ever received from anyone had been piled into a super concentrated dose that only Derek could dispense. Neither of them was perfect, but she understood the high of feeling like she _could be_ whenever he looked at her like that.

"Like now." She sighed melodramatically. "I want to be mad at you, and I can't because you're so perfectly sweet and vulnerable. I'd feel like a total bitch being mad at you, even if I maybe should be. And that look…"

His eyebrows shifted with curiosity. "That look?"

Meredith rolled her eyes and scoffed. "You know the look." She hoped he'd acknowledge it, because she wasn't sure she could describe it, but he continued to wait for an explanation. "The look you just gave me. The one that makes me think that maybe you really do love me."

"I do," he insisted as if it was the most obvious thing in the world. As if the very act of questioning it was like doubting which planet they were on and whether it would continue circling the sun today.

Meredith blushed. She wasn't ready to risk telling him she loved him back, but she didn't think she'd ever tire of hearing it from him. For now, he'd just have to sense that it was reciprocated by the way she kissed him fervently, passionately plundering his mouth until her lips were swollen and her body tired from insufficient oxygen.

"So does this mean I might get invited back to spend the night sometime?" he asked playfully as she settled back against him.

A sprite-like giggle filled the air as she laughed. "Yeah, I suppose it does. Maybe even tonight," she said. Her fingers glided absentmindedly along his chest, and as she felt his heart pound beneath his sternum, she sensed that maybe, just maybe, he was still as insecure in all of this as she felt. She was, after all, the only other person he'd slept with in eleven years, and she'd had him so convinced they were over that he'd moved heaven and earth to get to Seattle sooner just to see her.

"Or we could sleep at the trailer tonight if you want," he suggested. He grabbed another pillow and stuffed it behind his head so he was sitting up a bit more.

"Tonight's probably a bad night for that. I have rounds at six," Meredith said.

"In the morning?" he asked, his voice falling. He had to know that her schedule as an intern was chaotic, but at least she had the rest of this day off to spend with him.

"Yeah."

"Maybe I'll go in tomorrow, too," he mused. "I can start to settle in, get an _actual_ tour of the facilities, talk to Richard—"

"Talk to Richard?" Meredith interrupted. Adrenaline shot through her veins, and she sat up quickly, pulling the blankets to her torso to cover herself up.

"Well, I should let him know I've arrived, and…" Derek's eyebrows pushed together, forming a crease in the middle of his forehead. "Do you want to come with me?" he asked slowly.

"No," Meredith answered. She shook her head adamantly to emphasize the point.

Derek sighed. "I still want to disclose our relationship to him. I think it's better if we come clean about it now rather than wait."

"No way. Absolutely not," Meredith insisted.

Derek groaned. He was clearly frustrated, but he seemed to be doing everything possible to avoid another argument with her. "If we're actually going to try this, then why not?" he asked.

"Well, for one, he thinks you're still married to Addison," Meredith started. She felt her chest constricting as she remembered that conversation. She hoped he was kidding about his efforts to recruit Dr. Montgomery-Shepherd.

"So, I'll tell him we're divorced."

"Very _newly_ divorced," Meredith corrected. "He'll figure out that we were together while you were still married, and then I'll be the slutty marriage-wrecking intern."

"Meredith," Derek said, exasperation starting to seep into his voice, "It obviously wasn't like that. I'll make it clear that you had nothing to do with my marriage unraveling."

"Will you also make it clear that last week, when you told the chief you didn't know if we could work together since I wasn't returning your calls, that really you were just using him to mediate a lover's quarrel?" Meredith snapped. In all of the relief of seeing Derek again, she had forgotten how angry that stunt had made her.

Derek winced. "Maybe that wasn't the best move." He wrung his hands together and stared at the floor as his cheeks flushed with embarrassment.

"Not even close," she mumbled. She shimmied away from him, toward the edge of the bed, and tucked the blankets beneath her to compensate for the loss of his body heat.

They sat in awkward silence, making it clear that everything hadn't been resolved. Far from it.

"You don't think it will be worse if we wait and risk him finding out?" Derek nudged, deflated.

Meredith's face scrunched with aggravation. It was a reasonable question. It would definitely be worse to be discovered. They'd just have to prevent that. _She'd_ have to prevent it. "How would he find out?"

Derek just shook his head. It was obvious that he didn't agree with Meredith, but for once, she seemed to be the locus of power between them. "So, how do you want to do this?"

"Look, my roommates are obviously going to know about us," Meredith conceded, "but I think we should leave it at that for a while. No one else at the hospital needs to know—at least for now."

"For now." Derek nodded. "And then?"

"And then…then, if things are still going well between us after you've settled in, then maybe we can talk to him." It seemed like a no risk proposition, particularly since she wasn't sure they'd reach that point.

A frown crossed Derek's lips. "You really _aren't_ confident about this—about _us_—are you?"

Meredith panicked. She had no idea how she could answer his accusation without hurting him. She stared at the red digits glowing on the clock and watched the colon separating the hours from minutes blink, blink, blink.

"No," she admitted, looking back at him.

He cringed, as if he'd been speared through and through and was just recovering enough from the shock to recognize the pain. She needed to elaborate.

"Derek, I wasn't confident before all this happened. You can't expect that I'd be confident now. But the pancakes and the having you here? They help," she assured. "They definitely help." She relaxed her guard and forced a smile for his benefit.

"So, this is the slow plan, then?" Derek asked. "We're together outside the hospital, and eventually we'll tell Richard, but not now."

Meredith nodded.

He studied her, seeming resigned to her plan, until his eyebrow arched and eyes danced mischievously along her body. He reached beneath the covers and grabbed her at the hips, dragging her toward him easily as she shrieked his name.

"Looks like I'll have to take advantage of this time where I get you to myself if we can't be together publicly," he teased as he pulled her naked frame on top of him. He pushed her hair away from her face and traced her features sensually with the tip of his finger.

"Derek," she whispered, but couldn't find a voice to continue. She kissed the palm of his hand, gluing the shattered pieces of Derek back together, piece by jagged piece.

"It'll work," he said. "We'll make it work."

"We will," she agreed.

He cradled her back as he rolled her over, trading positions. His tongue dragged along her clavicle, and it became clear that his invitation to spend another night in her bed would include much of the day as well.


	14. Chapter 14

**Author's Note: Thanks so much for being patient with me in getting this update together. I've actually been on quite a writing spree lately and may or may not have a holiday one-shot up my sleeve to deliver very soon. And there's more chapters where this came from, but it may take me a little bit to get those polished up with the holidays and all. Still, it's on the way… Thanks, as always, for the feedback and reviews. They truly do mean a lot to me! It's still a wee bit shocking to me how much this story has grown, and I appreciate you sticking by me to see it through. **

**xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx**

Meredith watched Derek sleep in the muted yellow light of the afternoon. They'd both dozed off, sated after a second round of lovemaking that had been just as good as the first. She wanted to stay in bed with him, whiling the afternoon away as they lounged naked and carefree, but she'd already made commitments for her day off.

Meredith slid out from underneath his arm and moved off the bed, careful not to make any sudden, jarring movements that might wake him. With any luck, she could get dressed, run to the nursing home, and return before he woke up. Or, at the very least, before he missed her. She always felt guilty for neglecting her mother on the days she worked and could only slip away for a few minutes, so she felt more irresponsible if she missed a visit on a day off. As much as she hated sneaking away, she suspected the whole ordeal could happen in less than an hour.

Meredith pulled some clean clothes out of her drawer and put them on, keeping an eye on Derek the entire time. Just as she was sliding on her tennis shoes, he stirred.

Meredith froze. _Sleep. Sleep. Sleep._ She'd propped her foot on a chair and looped her shoelaces between her fingers, but she hadn't finished tying them. She stood there dumbly, too focused on wishing Derek back to sleep to complete the simple action. She felt like a child sneaking snacks from the cookie jar, caught mid act, and she hoped, even prayed, that he wouldn't wake up.

Derek blinked once, twice, battling the muzz of sleep.

_Crap._

"What're you doing?" he mumbled as his eyes drooped shut again.

Meredith walked over to the bed and sat on the edge. "I have a couple errands to run, but I'll be back soon. You can sleep." She rubbed his arm, hoping it would lull him back to sleep.

Derek's eyes opened again and focused on her. "I'll run them for you tomorrow. Come back to bed."

"I don't want to put them off. It's okay," she assured. "I'll be back soon. You'll barely know I'm missing." She finished tying her shoes and stood up, ready to sprint out the door.

"Do you want me to go with you?" he asked.

Meredith didn't hesitate to answer. "No, thanks. You seem tired. Just rest or shower or something. I'll be quick." She leaned down to give him a kiss, but he continued to delay her departure. The moment she was close enough, he reached out and grabbed her arms, trying to tug her back to bed with him.

"What could possibly be so important that it can't wait?" Derek pouted.

Meredith's heart raced as she realized she couldn't think of a possible cover story.

"Or are you sick of me already?" He smiled as he said it, but Meredith wondered if he was only half-teasing her.

"I'm not sick of you at all. I'm so _not_ sick of you that I'm going to be the world's fastest errand runner so that I can come back sooner. So how 'bout you stop trying to stall me?"

Derek relented and let go of her arms, but smiled as she leaned back to give him a kiss goodbye.

"And do you think maybe you could shave while I'm gone? The stubble was cute the first couple times, but now it's like making out with a cactus," she teased. Derek's hand flew to his jaw to assess the growth. The moment he felt it, he cringed.

She knew it would be erased long before she got home.

As Meredith made her way out of the house and off to the Roseridge Home for Long Term Care, she started to dread the visit before her. She never knew what her mother's disposition would be until she arrived, and even then, it could be unpredictable throughout the conversation. It pained her to see the erratic stranger her mother had become. This woman had the same voice, the same body, but just wasn't the same person. Every once in a while Meredith would catch a glimpse of her mother lingering behind vacant, terrified eyes, but those moments were fleeting.

Meredith turned down the tree-lined street leading up to the secluded home. She appreciated the fact that it was always a solitary drive away from the congestion and noise in the downtown area. The giant sequoias created a green canopy over the damp pavement, ushering her along to the secret hiding place where she retreated as often as her schedule would allow. And when the visit unnerved her, the drive gave her plenty of time to regroup before returning to reality. It was a perfect location that way.

Rain came down in a steady drizzle as Meredith pulled into the parking lot and double checked her purse for her mother's checkbook. She hated being entrusted with it, and she wished she could just foist it back into her mother's hands. When she didn't think about the medicine of it all, a small, rebellious part of her imagined her mother's hands might touch it again someday for a purpose other than hurling it across the room in a fit of inexplicable rage.

"Good afternoon, Ms. Grey," the familiar receptionist greeted Meredith as she walked into the Roseridge Home. "Your mother is in the great room right now. She'll be delighted to see you."

Meredith smiled. She knew that her mother would like the company, but she somehow doubted whether it made a difference that it was her visiting rather than a random community volunteer.

"Let me give you the payment for next month before I forget," Meredith said as she tore the check out of the book and passed it over. She winced as she replayed her comment in her head. _Before I forget._ She hadn't meant anything by it, and she was certain that the receptionist hadn't read anything into it, but she knew her mother's health had deteriorated quickly, and she worried that it could someday happen to her as well. She tried not to think of that possibility, but it was unearthed from the depths of her psyche whenever she visited the home.

"Thank you," the receptionist said as she took the check.

Meredith nodded and turned off toward the great room. She knew exactly where she'd find her mother. She would be sitting in the arm chair staring out the large bay window toward the forest in the back. Sometimes there would be a book in her lap—a prop, mostly—but today there was nothing but the steady tintinnabulation of water droplets plinking on the glass to keep her occupied. Once, she had found her mother talking to another resident, maintaining a steady conversation about life as a surgeon while Meredith eavesdropped, but she suspected that was a rare moment of coherent socialization. Her mother tended to be lost in her own thoughts.

"Hi, Mom," Meredith said as she approached her mother in the familiar space, careful not to startle her. She waited for her mom to acknowledge her before leaning down to kiss her cheek.

"It's raining now," Ellis said. "It wasn't raining earlier."

Meredith took the chair beside Ellis. "Well, you know Seattle weather."

"So much rain," Ellis agreed.

Meredith forced herself to half-smile in reassurance. She was fairly certain that Ellis didn't recognize her today. Ellis would say Meredith's name if she recognized her. Maybe it would come back later in the conversation, but they'd have to small talk their way to that point.

"Sorry I wasn't able to get here sooner. My day's been a little unpredictable," Meredith said.

"Tell me about it," Ellis insisted. She didn't make eye contact with Meredith as she spoke, fixating instead on the window in front of them.

Meredith shrugged. "Okay." She considered whether she should tell her mother about Derek and all of the associated drama. She'd never had the kind of relationship with her mother where she shared boy problems, but divulging some of her secrets now seemed harmless and far less threatening than telling Cristina about them. "I've been seeing someone—a neurosurgeon—and he's starting at the hospital soon. We're trying to figure out how that's going to work."

Ellis looked a bit lost, making Meredith regret starting this conversation. She considered just dropping it, but worried that would make her mother feel more confused.

"A neurosurgeon?" Ellis said. She began pushing her watch around her wrist. "High powered surgeons are all the same. He just wants someone to admire him."

Meredith bit her lip. "I don't know if that's… Anyway, he's working at the hospital now, and we're trying to figure out how to keep our relationship secret for a while."

Ellis nodded, as if she understood. "I was certain our secret was out the other day. I just can't control myself when I'm with him." A sinister smile spread across her lips, and her eyes focused on Meredith as she included her in the conspiracy. "But getting him to leave his wife. That's the real trick," Ellis continued. "He says he's going to do it, but you can't believe a word he says."

Meredith's eyes grew wide. _What is she talking about? How does she know? _Her palms felt sweaty. Dripping, like she'd shoved her hands inside her surgical gloves without drying them first.

"I try to end it," Ellis said. She still wasn't talking to Meredith so much as living in some memory. "But I keep going back to him. I do worry about Meredith, and even Thatch, a bit, but I just can't say no to that man."

Meredith felt a lump growing in her throat, blocking out the air. _Who was she talking about?_ She swallowed, and felt her hands tremble as she reached out to take her mom's hand. "Mom?" She didn't want to hear anymore.

Ellis looked at her for a long time, digging and grasping for faint recognition. Eventually it struck her, and she squeezed Meredith's hand back. "Meredith?"

"Yeah, Mom. It's me, Meredith," she said, relieved.

"When did you arrive?" Ellis asked.

"A few minutes ago." Her heart steadied back to a normal rhythm as she determined her mother was no longer likely to burden her with details of an old affair. It was disturbing to know that Ellis had involved herself with a married man, but she couldn't be certain of the timeline to know how connected it was with her divorce from Thatcher. It was a detail she'd rather not know.

"It's raining now," Ellis said, returning her attention to the window. "It wasn't raining before."

"No, it wasn't," Meredith agreed.

Meredith made sure the rest of the conversation steered far away from anything that could link itself back to her mother's personal life. They talked about special events in the home and the cafeteria menu—small talk, really—until Meredith finally felt comfortable leaving.

Meredith spent a few minutes sitting in her jeep in the parking lot, watching the windshield wipers sway back and forth with unwavering rhythm. She'd already spent more time at the home than she had planned. She was certain that Derek was awake and wondering where she'd disappeared to, but she wasn't ready to return to him just yet. She still needed a credible cover story to explain her absence. But more importantly, she wanted a few minutes to process her thoughts.

She was following her mother's footsteps. No matter how hard she'd tried to rebel as a teenager and beyond, she continued to live her life in some predestined plan. She was becoming a surgeon, just like her mother. She was interning at Seattle Grace, just like her mother. And she was in a relationship with a married man—another surgeon, nonetheless, just like her mother. It was all a bit unnerving, and she wondered where the similarities would end.

There was still so much she didn't know.

Meredith reached into her purse and withdrew her cell phone. She dialed Derek's number, ready to move on with her day.

"Neglected boyfriend hotline," Derek answered. She suspected he'd read the caller ID. "Hey."

Meredith couldn't help but smile. "I've barely been gone an hour. You can't be feeling that neglected."

"For the record, it's been almost two hours," Derek said. "And there's not a lot to do here besides watch TV with your roommates, which--"

"Isn't exactly how you were hoping to spend your day," Meredith concluded. She felt guilty for losing track of time. At the very least, she could have dropped him off to get a rental car or something so he could begin moving into his trailer rather than stranding him at the house.

"Are you coming back soon?" His voice was hopeful.

"I am," she said. "I'll be home in about ten minutes. Think about what you want to do for dinner tonight."

"You're not planning to cook, are you?" She couldn't tell if he was amused or horrified by the possibility.

Meredith laughed. "Of course not."

"Okay, I'll see you soon."

"Bye." Meredith slid her phone back into her purse and turned up the radio as she imagined the night ahead. Maybe, in the spirit of their new open and honest relationship, she would tell him about Ellis. She hadn't told anyone about her mother's condition, at Ellis's request, but it seemed far less threatening to mention it to Derek. He'd understand the devastating reality, and it might be nice to have someone to confide in, especially someone who didn't talk about Ellis like she was a celebrity icon as Cristina so often did.

But then again, if she confessed this secret, their entire evening would be spent rehashing the history of it all: the symptoms, the diagnosis, the transition into the home, the way it was affecting Meredith, the future plans. It had the potential to be a long, painful discussion that could bludgeon the fun out of the evening. After the emotional rollercoaster of the last couple weeks, Meredith was looking forward to an evening of fun.

She'd tell him, just not now.

A freshly shaved and showered Derek sat on the couch reading when she walked back into the house. The other cars had been out of the driveway, leading Meredith to conclude that Izzie and George were out, and Derek was left alone. He smiled as she approached and shuffled his reading materials to the floor to make room for her beside him.

"Hey," she said, collapsing down against him in a half-hug. She curled her legs up onto the seat and rested her head against his shoulder. His skin smelled clean and inviting as woodsy cologne mixed with the scent of her soap, and her hands fanned against the soft cashmere sweater that had faded from wear.

"Hey," he answered. His arm curled around her to hug her back. "Everything okay?"

"Yeah," Meredith said. "I'm sorry that took me so long. I was taking care of some things for my mother." She didn't have to tell him everything, but it also didn't have to be a complete lie, she rationalized.

Derek seemed surprised by the explanation."Really?" His tone suggested she should elaborate.

"Yeah, just a quick visit." She just hoped he wouldn't press her for details.

"She's in town?" Derek asked.

"Yeah, actually, but just for a bit," Meredith said. "She's heading off again this evening. Always on-the-go." Meredith closed her eyes and forced down the guilt that came with hiding the truth from Derek. She didn't intend anything malicious by it, and she would come clean about everything at some point, but she didn't want to deal with it now.

Derek's hand squeezed her arm. "It's nice that you got a chance to see her."

Meredith shrugged. "I try." She sat up and kicked off her shoes, letting them tumble to the floor with a louder-than-expected thud. She grabbed a throw pillow next and placed it in Derek's lap so she could comfortably sprawl across the couch. She lay against him, staring up at his Adam's apple as it bobbed down his throat with each swallow. "What's your mom like?" she wondered aloud as he settled one hand on her chest and raked the other through her hair.

Derek's eyebrows rose. He glanced down at her, and his fingers slowed to a stop as he mulled over his response. "She's a pretty standard mom," he said. "Well-intentioned and loving, but a little hard to take at times." His hand resumed its steady stroke of her long locks. "I probably need to call her tomorrow. She doesn't know I'm out here, yet."

Meredith was surprised. "You didn't tell her?" She'd been under the impression that he was close with his family.

"I will," he answered. "She knows that Addison and I have been separated, so I can't imagine that she'll be shocked to hear about the divorce. The move to Seattle, though, may be a bit of a surprise. I wanted it to be a done deal so she wouldn't try to talk me out of it."

"Why would she talk you out of it?"

"She likes keeping her children close to the nest," he said, smiling. "Even the forty-year-old ones."

Meredith smiled back at him, but it soon faded from her face as her thoughts trailed back to her mother. She'd managed to keep Meredith close, too, in the end. Up until Ellis had been diagnosed, Meredith had consistently managed to keep a couple thousand miles between them ever since graduating high school. She never imagined finding herself in their home in Seattle. She liked Seattle and was happy to be interning at Seattle Grace, but it hadn't even registered on her radar screen when she started her final year of medical school. Not until her mother sprang the news of the diagnosis on her, anyway.

Derek stared down at her. "You seem tense. Are you okay?" Concern radiated through his features.

"Dealing with my mother stresses me out a bit," Meredith said. It felt good to have a chance to be honest about that.

Derek smoothed his hand along her head. "I'm sorry."

"Thanks," she mumbled.

"Maybe I could help you with some stress relief." An impish grin stretched across his lips, and his blue eyes sparkled.

Her mood improved as she imagined the possibilities with the roommates out. "What exactly do you have in mind?"

"I seem to remember you suggesting bubble baths as a good way to unwind, and I happened to notice that you have a big tub in your bathroom. Perhaps we could start something there," he suggested.

Meredith sat up slowly, allowing her muscles to stretch as she moved off of him. "You may be onto something."

Derek stood up and pulled her off the couch. His hand wrapped around hers as he lured her upstairs to her bedroom. He didn't speak, but he didn't need to. Meredith was already convinced that the experience would be far better than anything offered by a luxury spa.

Meredith ducked in front of him and opened the bedroom door before he got there. Even though the late afternoon sun cast long shadows across the room, she could still see that he had made the bed and straightened things up a bit in her absence. She couldn't help but wonder if he was a neat freak or if he was just trying to impress her. It was one of the many mysteries about him that she'd have to investigate now that they were living in the same area code.

Derek peeled off his sweater and button down shirt in one move, leaving him dressed in his jeans and white tee. "If you want to just relax while I set things up…"

"Okay," Meredith agreed. She reclined on the bed and hooked a pillow under her arm to rest beneath her head.

Derek walked into the bathroom and started filling the tub. She could hear him poking into cupboards to locate the bubble bath, and within seconds its vanilla fragrance was filling the room.

"Do you have any matches?" he asked as he leaned against the door frame.

_Candles_. She'd lined the bathtub with candles once for decorative purposes, but she'd never lit them. She rarely used that tub, preferring instead the quick and easy access of the shower across the hall. "I think there are some in this drawer," she said. She rolled toward her nightstand and opened it up, digging through miscellaneous items until she found a book of matches from Joe's.

Derek walked over and took them, eyeing her as he made his way throughout her room. "I'm almost ready for you." He returned to the bathroom but left the door slightly ajar, obscuring her view. He turned out the bathroom light once the candles were lit, and she could see the dim yellow light flickering along the wall, creating unusual shadows that moved as his motion shifted the air currents in the room. The water filling the tub slowed to a creaking halt, and soon he was calling her name, beckoning her to come.

When Meredith opened the bathroom door, she was surprised to find Derek already sitting in the tub waiting for her. His arms rested along the back of the tub, revealing his well-sculpted shoulders and biceps, and his knee jutted above the water like a small island of skin as he relaxed beneath a blanket of bubbles.

"You got in without me?" Meredith accused as she closed the door behind her, shutting out what little natural light remained.

"I needed to test the water." Derek smirked. "It's good, by the way."

Meredith couldn't hide her disbelief over his excuse. She already knew him too well when it came to moments like this. "I think maybe you just wanted to watch me undress," she said as she unbuttoned her jeans and pulled down the zipper. The jeans slid down her hips, gathering speed as they fell past narrower parts of her body to the floor.

Derek licked his lips and sucked in a deep breath. "Can you blame me?" he said as he exhaled.

Meredith pulled her shirt over her head and stood before him in nothing more than her bra and panties. She grabbed a hair tie off the sink and pulled her hair up into a messy half-ponytail that secured the ends of her hair to her head rather than letting it fall to her shoulders. She turned back toward him and couldn't help but beam from the attention. His eyes were unwrapping her like a package as they moved from her breasts to her hips virtually wishing away her remaining items of clothing.

Meredith lowered one bra strap, then the other, before unhooking the rear and letting the lacy garment drop. She leaned forward, and her unrestrained breasts swayed as she hooked her thumbs through her thong and lowered it to the ground so she could step out. Ordinarily she would have felt more self-conscious about undressing, particularly without the anesthesia of alcohol, but something about his worshipping gaze amidst the dim candlelight made her more emboldened than ever.

This was safe. He was safe.

She moved toward the tub. "Where do you want me?"she asked. She could feel her nipples tightening from the exposure to cool air.

"It'll be easier for me to wash your back if you're leaned up against me," Derek replied. He shifted beneath the water, sending a small wave through the tub.

Meredith laughed and mumbled something about being certain that was the reason he wanted her there. She knew better than that.

She stepped into the tub and felt the water that was almost too hot cast around her skin. She settled against him, sending a small tide of water over the edge as the tub accommodated two bodies rather than one. Derek's arms crowded around her, pressing her into his warm, wet skin, and his breath greeted her neck like a humid breeze.

"How did you figure out that this was _exactly_ what I needed?" she said as she pulled bubbles toward her. She closed her eyes and relished the sensations overwhelming her senses. It was still difficult to believe that he was there with her, and she was feeling determined to keep it that way.

"Your symptoms were very easy to diagnose." Derek's mouth pressed against the nape of her neck and kissed her.

Meredith craned so she could glance at him."So, I'm your patient now?" She tilted her head and let him resume delicate kisses beneath her ear. The feelings he could elicit from her physically and emotionally were altogether new and distracting.

"You are definitely not a patient," he paused, "but I like taking care of you."

Meredith smiled, knowing that he wouldn't be able to see it. "You seem to be off to a good start." She squeezed his thigh and sighed. She didn't know how to respond to the idea of someone taking care of her. She'd always been so independent and cautious about letting people into her life. She hoped he wouldn't disappoint her all over again.

Derek leaned forward, causing Meredith to push more bubbles away. He reached for a sponge as the water lapped at the edge of the tub, threatening to spill over again. Meredith hugged her knees and waited for him to pull her back toward him, but he never did. Instead, he dipped the sponge into the water, letting it absorb as much water as possible, and lifted it to her shoulder blades. He grazed the sponge along her skin with one hand, creating miniature waterfalls down her spine as the sponge emptied, while his other hand massaged the tension from her muscles. Anytime his fingers discovered a knot, he'd knead it away until her pain evaporated like the water on her skin.

"So, if you're taking care of me, how should I take care of you?" she murmured. She was grateful for the attention he was lavishing on her. The pressures of interning and caring for her mother had burdened her with plenty of stress long before their relationship became complicated, so she was surprised that his touch could heal her.

Derek huffed. "You've done plenty to take care of me these last few months." He pulled her back against him and began moving the sponge along her collarbone.

"But that was different. I didn't know I was helping you, and you're here now," Meredith argued as the hot water streamed down her sternum and into the valley between her breasts.

"And I'm not going anywhere," he answered. He kissed her cheek, as if she needed the extra reassurance.

"I know, but...now we have options. New options that weren't available to us when you were in New York, and I was here."

The sponge stopped moving and his fingers flexed against her stomach, drawing her closer. "What kind of options?"

"Well, the bubble bath is a new option," she explained.

"It's a pretty good one." He resumed dipping the sponge into the water, pushing the suds away as he caressed her skin.

"I agree, but what about you? What can I do for you? When you're stressed out and tense, what calms you?"

Derek dropped the sponge and ran both hands over her shoulders and down her arms, massaging until he reached her fingertips. He interlaced their hands together and hugged her. "You'll figure it out."

Meredith let out a frustrated sigh as he loosened his grip. Part of her had naively hoped that everything following their reconciliation would be easy. They'd be together outside the hospital, sharing all of these sweet, romantic moments and reestablishing their relationship until they'd go public with it. But she worried that it would be far more difficult now that they'd be together all the time, and she felt increasing pressure to reciprocate his loving gestures.

"Meredith," he said, interrupting her thoughts. "This is the fun part. And while the slow plan may have accelerated a bit since this morning, I'm not going to rush the fun stuff. We have unlimited opportunities to learn about each other now."

"Unlimited, huh?" She couldn't hide her skepticism.

"Days, nights, we can see each other whenever we want."

"Outside of the hospital," she corrected.

Derek failed to stifle a groan. "Outside of the hospital," he said. "Or inside the hospital, too. We'll work together some. It would be suspicious if we went out of our way to avoid each other."

Meredith scoffed. He had a point. Sometimes she hated when he had a point.

"And if our work happens to land us in the same on-call room," he continued.

Meredith's elbow landed a blow against his rib cage. "There will be no more on-call room meetings, Derek," she insisted.

He feigned hurt, but laughed. "Whatever you say. You're the boss…except when I am."

Meredith rolled her eyes and laughed, relieved that they could find some humor in the situation for now. She wasn't certain that would be so possible once he started work at the hospital and was her attending.

She lifted her toes out of the water and curled them as she tried to push away the bubbles obscuring her view. Her skin was starting to prune from lingering in the water so long, and while she had no inclination to get out, she knew they needed to do so soon.

"The truth is," Derek confided in a whisper, "just being back here with you eases my stress. Hearing you laugh and seeing you smile—all very good things."

Meredith turned around to face him. She knelt between his legs as he continued to lounge against the back of the tub. A large smile stretched across her lips as she leaned toward him and hooked her arms behind his head.

"I'm sorry I refused to take your calls. I probably should've given you a chance to explain," she said. She wasn't sure that their attempts toward figuring things out would have been as effective over the phone as they were in person, but she did regret abandoning him in a time he wanted her.

"I'm sorry I ever gave you a reason not to take them," he said. He leaned forward and rested his forehead against hers. She could see the reflection of the flickering candles in his irises, and the scent of his cologne had been overpowered by the fragrant vanilla bubble bath.

"Apology accepted," she said. Bubbles dripped from her hands as they raked through his hair, and her mouth met his.

His hands slid up and down her sides, gravitating toward the swell of her breasts before returning to her hips. He scooted toward the center of the tub, pushing her along with him until there was enough space behind him for her to wrap her legs behind his back. They stopped kissing long enough for her to do so, and as Meredith sat on his thighs and returned her attention to his swollen lips, she could feel his arousal building. His hands cupped her breasts, pushing them above the surface of the water where his thumb could work them into hardened peaks. He broke from their kiss, and when he realized that her breasts were still obscured behind suds, he blew small, cool gusts of air. The bubbles fluttered away, and the quick contrast in temperature caused her nipples to pucker even more. He urged her to dip back, causing some of her hair to get wet as he took her in his mouth.

Meredith moaned as she felt his teeth and tongue laving her. The sound echoed amidst the ceramic tiles and porcelain tub, louder than she'd intended. She gripped the sides of the tub, and silently cursed herself for not resuming birth control pills months ago. She would have taken him now if it was a safe option.

"Derek," she said in lower tones, proud that she was still able to form coherent words while he seduced her. "We should get out of the tub now."

He stopped and met her gaze, seeming to understand her motives. She slid off of him and stood up, letting water and bubbles drip from her. She reached for a towel to wipe away more suds, and passed one to Derek so he could do the same. He yanked the drain in the tub, sending the water gurgling through the pipes before he stepped out onto the bathmat beside her.

Meredith secured a towel around her body and brushed up against him to help him towel off. "I think you were right," she whispered in his ear.

"About what?"

"This," she answered. She let her towel drop to the floor where it puddled at his feet. "This is definitely the fun part."


	15. Chapter 15

**Author's Note: Sorry there's been a delay on the updates. I've been working hard – I swear! 3-D life has been exceptionally busy lately, but I promise I'm not "putting this fic on hiatus" or anything like that. More updates are on the way, and I'm working as fast as my schedule and creativity allow at the moment! Thanks for all the encouragement. I promise I'll respond to feedback soon. You have no idea how much I appreciate it. **

Morning came much too early as Meredith found herself scrambling to get ready for work. She'd agreed to let Derek use her jeep for the day in exchange for a ride to the hospital. Somehow, he managed to get up and make breakfast and coffee before Meredith could even formulate complete sentences. She dropped her bag on the kitchen floor and shoved a chunk of English muffin in her mouth just before tying her shoes. She then proceeded to dump the mug of coffee he'd prepared for her into a travel mug, making it clear she had no intention of sitting down to breakfast with him.

"Good morning to you, too," he said. His voice bordered on amusement as she scurried around him.

She heaved her bag back to her shoulder and secured a lid on her mug, spilling a bit of the coffee down the side in the process.

"We need to go," she answered.

"At least consider slowing down enough to chew your food," he teased. "The Heimlich maneuver wouldn't be the best start to your day, or mine." He followed her through the kitchen to the front door, flipping off the lights behind them.

Meredith juggled the rest of her muffin and coffee as she started digging for keys in her cavernous bag. Receipts, papers, loose change, a wallet, and travel-sized lotion bottles cluttered the bottom, and she cursed herself for not leaving the keys out on the table by the front door. Her fingers eventually grazed the loop of the key ring, and she snagged them out to toss to Derek, listening to them jingle as they hit his hand. Without wasting any more time, she stuffed the rest of her muffin into her mouth and washed it down with a large swig of coffee while Derek laughed and locked the door.

"Do you want me to drive?" she asked impatiently as he unlocked the automatic doors on the jeep and crawled inside. She'd managed to oversleep a bit this morning, slapping the snooze button and snuggling up to him more times than she'd intended, and now she worried that not only had she missed her chance to beat Cristina to pre-rounds, but she might be late for her actual rounds with Bailey. She found the situation far less amusing than he did.

"No," he said. "I'm on it."

"But I know my way there better, so I could probably get there faster."

"You're _really_ concerned about time this morning, aren't you?" he said. He started the vehicle and shifted into reverse before she answered.

"I just don't want to be late," she grumbled. She folded her arms across her chest and sighed loudly, accepting defeat.

"You won't be late. I know how to get there, and I'll gladly break the speed limits if it will get you to calm down a bit." He glanced over at her as if he was waiting for her to agree before driving an inch further.

"Okay." Meredith reached for her coffee and took another sip. She almost felt guilty for being so grouchy toward him this morning, particularly after they had such a nice night together. After their bubble bath, Derek had started the fireplace while Meredith ordered pizza. They'd spent most of the night curled together in front of the fire, talking and laughing like they'd been together for years. It was a strong reminder of how easily they'd connected even before sex had factored into the equation, and if Meredith hadn't needed to rest up for work, she was certain they could have stayed up all night.

Derek cycled through the radio stations, sifting through ads and annoying morning talk shows before giving up and turning it off. It wasn't surprising that there was very little of interest on at 5:40 in the morning.

"So, you're going to the trailer today?" Meredith asked, finding enough goodwill to resume conversation.

"Yeah, I want to check it all out," Derek said. His attention remained focused on the road even though it was still vacant. Only the occasional car passed by, and the houses along the street were still dark as their occupants slept.

Meredith nodded.

"Do you want to come over tonight after work? I could make dinner," he suggested. He almost sounded nervous, as if he was asking her out on their first date but expecting her to reject his advances.

"I'm on call, so I'm probably staying at the hospital tonight. I won't be done until tomorrow night."

"Oh," Derek answered. Disappointment washed over his face. "So, I'll pick you up tomorrow?"

"Sure," Meredith said. She watched him navigate his way to the hospital and wondered what he'd do all day. It would be the first time that he spent a day in Seattle mostly on his own, and she doubted he'd spend much time unpacking given that the moving truck with the rest of his belongings wasn't scheduled to arrive for a couple more days. "I'll call you tomorrow afternoon and let you know how tired I am so we can figure out whether we should sleep at the trailer or just go back to my place."

He smiled warmly. He seemed to pick up on the assumption that they'd be spending the night together wherever she decided to crash after her shift.

Meredith smiled back, but her enthusiasm was quickly replaced by anxiety as they neared the hospital. This was where they'd transition away from being a couple and into the complicated teacher-student relationship that made them bury their personal life deep below the surface.

"We probably shouldn't get in the habit of having you drop me off or pick me up from work," Meredith said as she sank into her seat. She could only imagine the questions that would come up if Bailey or the Chief saw them traveling together. "In fact, you probably shouldn't pull up to the front in case someone sees."

Derek scoffed. "I'm guessing a kiss goodbye is out of the question, then." He seemed slightly bitter about the situation, but he didn't argue. Meredith hoped he understood that it wasn't her preference either.

"We just can't get caught," she said. It seemed to be her mantra ever since she'd decided that they'd pursue a relationship after all.

"Should I come to a complete stop when I drop you off, or should I just slow down and let you jump?"

Meredith glared at him, not appreciating the sarcasm. He merely shrugged in response and took her coffee mug to steal a sip.

"It's not a permanent thing," Meredith said. She retrieved her drink and curled her fingers around it, hoping some warmth would escape and heat her chilled fingertips.

"So I've heard," Derek mumbled.

Meredith shot him a warning look to remind him that this probably wasn't the best time to revisit that conversation, and he waved back as if to say he couldn't help it. They would be stuck at this impasse until he got his way, and Meredith knew it.

They pulled up to the front doors of the hospital, and Meredith gathered her things to get out. She was pleased to see that no one was lurking around the front to notice her chauffeur, and she squeezed Derek's knee in a conciliatory gesture as she prepared to get out of the vehicle. "I'll call you later?" she said.

Derek nodded. "Have fun." He winked, letting her know that he wasn't that upset by their morning banter.

Meredith slammed the car door and sprinted to the front of the hospital. She tried to calculate if it would be faster to take the elevator or the stairs to get to the locker room and prep for her shift. It was still early enough in the day that the only real hospital traffic came from employees, not patients and visitors, so she opted for the elevator. She ran to the landing, pushed the button three times even though it lit up after the first push, and waited.

"Stupid elevator," she grumbled as she glanced down at her watch. Six minutes until Bailey came looking for her. And thirty-six hours until Derek did the same.

An empty elevator arrived and carried Meredith to her floor. She was grateful that no stops were made on the way, and she was able to get to the desolate locker room moments later.

"You're late," Cristina sneered as Meredith jogged in and started pulling off clothes before she even had her locker open.

"I know." Meredith fidgeted with her combination lock as her coat hung off one arm.

"Did you get any sleep?"

The locker door flew open, and Meredith grabbed a clean pair of scrubs to wear over her lavender undershirt. "Lots," she answered. "Plenty. Nothing but sleep." She kicked her shoes across the aisle as she fumbled for items to change into as quickly as possible—at least before Bailey arrived.

"_Nothing_ but sleep? Nothing _but_ sleep?" Cristina's voice was persistent in its interrogation as she leaned against the neighboring lockers and waited for Meredith.

"Cristina," Meredith said flatly. She swung on her lab coat and stuffed her stethoscope in her pocket. A couple memo pads fell out of her locker onto the floor, and she grabbed those as well.

"Did you have a good evening?" It was obvious what Cristina was asking, but Meredith wasn't sure she wanted to provide any more details than necessary.

"It was fine," Meredith said. She took a deep breath and closed her locker, relieved that she wouldn't be late.

Cristina followed her out to the nurse's station where they Bailey waited. "Was it _fine_ fine? Or just fine?"

Meredith turned and quirked her eyebrow as she tried to determine which answer was the one Cristina was looking for, but Cristina grew impatient.

"Did you spend the night alone?"

Meredith fidgeted with her pockets, making sure she had everything as she attempted to avoid the question. "No," she admitted. She rocked forward onto the balls of her feet nervously as she anticipated some sort of reaction.

Instead, Cristina just nodded, making things almost worse.

"Morning, Mere," Izzie said as she walked up to them. "Everything okay?"

Meredith blinked in confusion. "Yeah, why?"

Izzie's lips curled into a smug _I don't know_. "It was awfully quiet when I got home last night. I was expecting you two to be up."

Cristina sipped her morning coffee and swallowed. "Maybe he wasn't anymore."

Izzie chuckled while Meredith pretended not to hear. She couldn't believe that Bailey hadn't turned around to bark orders yet. Any other morning, Bailey would have started listing things to do ten seconds early.

Alex and George scrambled to join the trio, and both seemed relieved to enter the group unnoticed by their resident. They nodded hellos to the girls and waited for Bailey.

"For the record," Meredith said in a low tone that she hoped Bailey wouldn't hear even though she was standing three feet away, "our relationship is more than just sex."

"It's lying and adultery, too," Cristina said flippantly, knocking the air from Meredith like a pin to a balloon. "For him, anyway."

Meredith's skin flushed in dark red patches as the hurt and anger scuttled to the surface. Her legs trembled, struggling to support her weight, and each attempt to swallow felt like pushing a golf ball through her esophagus. She didn't trust herself to respond. She was certain it would come out louder than before, and it would only draw more attention to herself if Bailey finally decided to turn around.

The conversation screeched to a halt as Bailey grabbed a stack of charts and turned to stare at her cluster of interns. Meredith slinked to the back of the group, hiding from view rather than crowding Cristina for dibs on the most enthusiastic intern award.

"It's a quiet board," Bailey said. "I hate quiet boards. The Chief hates quiet boards." Her voice came in a clipped staccato, breaking up the sentences like she was building to a dramatic revelation. "Karev, check on the patient in 3326. O'Malley, follow-up on 2814. Stevens, it's your lucky day. You've been requested for the cardio patient in 3211." She passed out the charts accordingly. "Grey and Yang, you've got the pit."

"But—" Cristina complained as much with the shift of her hip and the frown on her face as she did with her voice.

"I'm sorry," Bailey said, cutting her off. "Did I give the impression that this was a negotiation this morning? If something more exciting comes along, I'll page you. Now, go."

Cristina sighed and turned toward the stairs, glancing at Meredith as she moved.

Meredith shuffled alongside her, barely lifting her feet as she followed the person she wanted to be with least. Ordinarily, she loved working with Cristina. Today, she'd rather have the pit to herself.

"How in the world did Izzie get requested for cardio?" Cristina said as they entered the stairwell. It wasn't clear if she was talking to Meredith or just grumbling to herself.

Meredith ignored the comment, opting instead to give Cristina the silent treatment.

"I've been busting my ass to get in on Burke's surgeries, and he's requesting Izzie? She's not going to be any use to him," Cristina continued.

"She's gotta learn somehow," Meredith mumbled.

"I guess," Cristina said. She rounded the platform between floors turned to go down another flight of stairs and noticed that Meredith continued to drag behind. "What's your problem?" she asked. It seemed that she'd already forgotten the comment she made moments before.

"What's my problem?" Meredith said, incredulous. Her voice echoed in the stairwell. "Lying and adultery is my problem!"

Cristina stopped and blinked. Her jaw opened as if she was about to say something, but she didn't.

Meredith caught up to her on the steps. "Look, I get that you don't like him. Not that you've had any opportunities to get to know him or whatever, but fine. I get it. But I _do_ like him, and I'm trying to make this work. I'm trying despite all the reasons that I probably shouldn't."

Cristina folded her arms against her chest and leaned against the railing. "If you probably shouldn't, then why?" she asked.

The question caught Meredith off guard. She stumbled backwards and unintentionally sat on the step. She drew in a breath and laced her fingers together on her lap, bracing herself for the response she needed to get out. "Because at the end of the day, despite all of the problems and arguments why I should stay away from him, I like being with him."

Cristina's eyebrow arched with skepticism. She didn't need to say what she was thinking; Meredith could read the expression perfectly.

"And it's not just the sex," Meredith answered. "It's not. I feel like I can talk to him, and he gets me. He gets me like you get me. And I want you to be happy for me because it's hard enough for someone like me to do this without having you cheering against it."

Cristina's expression softened, and she sat on the step beside Meredith.

"You're really in love with him," Cristina said, almost in a whisper. There was still an element of disbelief in her voice, and she wasn't able to look at Meredith as she spoke. She seemed to be piecing together the puzzle in her head.

"I guess so," Meredith said. She cringed as she heard the words coming out of her mouth. She couldn't even admit the depth of her feelings for Derek to her best friend. She didn't know why she had to be so nonchalant about it. Meredith Grey _never_ fell in love. This _was_ a big deal.

"And you're committed to doing this. You've decided."

"Yeah," Meredith agreed. Her hands fidgeted with the seam on her lab coat.

"Okay, then." Cristina stood up and bounced down a few steps.

Meredith rose from the step and followed. "Okay?"

"Yeah," Cristina answered. She continued downstairs toward the pit. "I'll do the supportive thing."

"You will?" Meredith said skeptically before correcting herself. "I mean, thanks."

*****************************

Despite Meredith's sick, surgery-hungry hope that calamity would befall Seattle, the pit was surprisingly dull all morning. She stitched up a man who had tripped and cracked his head against the sharp corner of a dresser and then tended to a woman who mistook heartburn for a heart attack. Nothing surgical, and nothing challenging. The only consolation was that Cristina's morning hadn't been any better.

Meredith paid for her cafeteria lunch and surveyed the crowd in search of Izzie, George, and Alex. As her eyes scanned the room, she saw a familiar doctor sitting alone in the corner sipping a coffee and reading the newspaper.

_Derek._

She took two steps forward, clearing out of the line for the cashier, but she couldn't decide what to do next. She thought about sitting with him as she was dying to know what he was doing at the hospital, but all of her self-preservation instincts decided against it. Instead, she concluded that she'd have to be the one to choose a table for the other interns to join, and there just happened to be an open table next to the one Derek was at. She awkwardly meandered through the crowded cafeteria and brushed past Derek as she took a seat.

"What are you doing here?" she asked. She was sitting directly behind him, and her body was turned as if she was looking through the crowd for her friends to join her rather than having a conversation with him.

Derek folded his newspaper and set it on the table. "I'm meeting Richard for lunch. Want to join us?"

Meredith turned to look at Derek. Her eyes screamed "are you serious?" and he smirked in response.

"It was Richard's idea," Derek continued. "I called him this morning to tell him I'm in town, and he suggested it."

Meredith nodded. She couldn't deny that she felt relieved that it wasn't Derek's idea to torture her. Her heart raced every time she thought about Derek and Richard interacting, as if Derek would betray her trust and spill the secret early. It was such a nightmare scenario that it sat closer to unthinkable than unlikely. He'd be in so much trouble with her that there wouldn't be a relationship left to talk about. She just needed to adjust to the fact that he'd be talking to Richard with great regularity now that he was heading the neuro department.

Her heart had yet to reconcile with her head in more ways than one.

"And Patricia had some things prepared in anticipation of my first day," Derek said. He had turned enough in his chair that it was obvious they were having a conversation. Either that, or Derek was talking animatedly to himself.

"Convenient," Meredith said. She bit down on a french fry that tasted more like cold greased cardboard than the salty wonder she was craving. She wrinkled her nose and tossed it back on her plate without bothering to finish it.

"How's your day been?" Derek asked.

Meredith let out a labored sigh. "Fine."

"Anything surgical?"

"No," Meredith said. "Stuck in the pit. Nothing interesting. Quiet board."

"That's probably why Richard was free to meet," Derek said. He looked Meredith up and down before scanning the rest of the room. "You really don't want to talk to me right now, do you?"

"Nope," Meredith said as noncommittally as she could manage. It was almost a game.

"So you'd rather eat completely alone than try to talk to me?"

"Pretty much." She nodded, causing her ponytail to bob up and down.

"Too bad," Derek said as he turned back to his newspaper. "You're missing out on such a good opportunity to suck up to the new attending."

Meredith rolled her eyes. "I'm sure I'll manage."

She looked impatiently at her watch. _Noon_. They'd agreed to meet at noon. Her friends—all of them—were late. Either Meredith Grey was uniquely cursed in having the least exciting day of work ever, or this was karma coming back to bite her in the ass by giving her all the time she could ever want with Derek and then some. She craned her neck to see if they were in the serving line, but the only familiar faces to be found were Dr. Bailey and the Chief.

She sank lower in her chair and sucked on the straw of her cola, hoping they wouldn't notice her even though they would walk right by her to get to Derek.

Bailey was first through the cashier, and she warbled slightly as she approached Meredith's table.

"You haven't paged me. Things good in the pit?" she asked. Her hip jutted to one side, creating a makeshift platform for her tray so she could balance it with one hand.

"Everything's fine in the pit," Meredith answered. She straightened her posture, feeling like she was awaiting orders from her drill sergeant.

"And I see you're already sucking up to Dr. Shepherd." Bailey nodded in Derek's direction.

"No." Meredith didn't need to look to know that a grin was spreading across his face. "I wasn't."

"Uh-huh." Bailey shook her head. She wore the same kind of disbelieving expression that often followed waking her up for what seemed to be a crisis but was actually just a minor question. Meredith had seen that look more times than she wanted to count. "You fools are always sucking up."

"She actually wasn't," Derek interrupted. "I have to say I'm a little disappointed."

If Bailey wasn't standing there, Meredith probably would have smacked him.

Bailey placed her tray on Derek's table but continued to keep her eyes on Meredith. "Where are the other suck ups?"

"Should be here soon," Meredith said. It was as much a wish as a proclamation.

"Ah, Dr. Grey," the Chief hesitated at her table before moving on to Derek's. "Derek," he said with a nod, acknowledging his presence as well. "Dr. Grey, I see you're sitting alone. Would you like to join us?"

Meredith closed her eyes and drew in a thick breath. Saying no to Derek was so much easier than saying no to the Chief. Her knuckles whitened as she wrapped her fingers around her tray. "Of course, sir," she said. "I'd love to."

Derek folded his newspaper in quarters and set it beneath his chair, creating more room at the table as Meredith nudged a chair away from the table with her foot. The irritating scrape of the metal chair legs against the tile floor made her nearly drop her tray to the table so she could free her hands to move the chair the remaining distance. She plopped down clumsily beside Derek, and she could feel her face flushing with nervousness as she shared lunch with her bosses—all three tiers of them.

"So, Derek," Richard started, "how are you liking the Seattle area so far?"

"It's fantastic," Derek said. "From what I've seen, the area is breathtaking."

"Have you been to Seattle much before?" Bailey asked.

"Just for the symposium, really," Derek said. His eyes darted over to Meredith, and she promptly looked away. She was certain if her eyes connected with the blue of his, she'd give something away.

"What does Addison think of Seattle?" Richard asked just before taking a bite from a chicken sandwich.

Meredith could feel Derek's eyes on her again. She started tapping her foot nervously, impatiently, and she only stopped because Derek's foot came to rest on top of her own, pinning her toes in place before she could jar the entire table.

"I have no idea what she thinks of Seattle," Derek answered. "We're divorced."

Richard's expression fell. "I'm sorry to hear that," he said. He swallowed and lifted a napkin to wipe his mouth. "Addy's such a great doctor."

"She's not dead." Derek half-laughed. "She's still a great doctor."

Richard smiled in embarrassment, but his motives for questioning were clear: he still wanted to know if he could recruit the other Dr. Shepherd to Seattle Grace.

"But it's probably for the best that we stay on opposite coasts," Derek continued, pre-empting the likely follow-up questions. "I think we'd both agree on that."

Bailey shifted uncomfortably in her chair, her eyes drawn to her lap as she pulled the pager from her waist. "Damn," she mumbled. She stood up and continued to read her pager. "Looks like we'll have to do this another time," she said to no one in particular as she pulled her beverage off her tray.

"Do you need me?" Meredith stood up with more enthusiasm than ever as she willed her resident to lure her out of this awkward encounter.

"No," Bailey said. "You can enjoy _your_ lunch." She moved to dump the rest of her tray before sprinting out of the cafeteria.

Meredith shifted uncomfortably as she realized the two men she was left with and sat back in her chair. That discomfort was nothing, however, in comparison to the feeling she endured moments later when she saw Izzie and Cristina standing at the cashier paying for their lunches.

"Tell me more about the teaching responsibilities," Derek said, rejuvenating the conversation. "Am I assigned residents and interns, or do I get to pick?"

Meredith made eye contact with both Izzie and Cristina and cringed as they stared at her lunch companions. The Chief rarely ate in the cafeteria, and it was almost unthinkable that he'd dine with an intern. The fact that Meredith seemed to be receiving preferential treatment from him in a moment where Derek was involved wasn't doing much to help Meredith's case for keeping her love life out of her career.

"You'll be able to pick for the most part," Richard answered. He glanced over at Meredith and smiled. "But we don't let interns specialize, so Dr. Grey won't be able to work with you all the time no matter how much of an interest or natural talent she shows for neuro."

Meredith looked down at her food. "Thanks," she said.

"I understand," Derek said, "though I must say that Dr. Grey shows great initiative. She contacted me several months ago about a study I was working on in New York, and we've had several follow up conversations since. I've been impressed with her from the start."

Meredith glanced over at him, her jaw agape as she listened to him share his preference for her. She squirmed her foot out from beneath his and jabbed her heel against his shin. He winced and lowered his hand to rub his leg, shooting her an irritated look as he moved, but the Chief didn't seem to notice.

"Is that true, Dr. Grey?" Richard took a drink from his coffee cup.

"Yes, sir," Meredith said. In any other circumstance her voice would radiate confidence as she relayed another moment she went above and beyond. Now, she was almost embarrassed to admit it. "I was doing some research for Dr. Weller and stumbled upon a study that Dr. Shepherd was working on. His findings seemed to apply to the case, and I had some questions."

Richard nodded. "I think you'll find all of the interns and residents quite impressive. We're very selective about the caliber of students admitted to our program."

"I have no doubt," Derek said.

Meredith pulled her straw up through the lid of the cup, making a loud squeaking sound as the plastic pieces scraped against each other. She shook her cup to move the ice so she could get her straw back to the bottom. She felt like she needed to say something to stop this from being her most socially awkward experience at Seattle Grace yet, but she couldn't think of anything appropriate. The fact that she had two pairs of eyes from a nearby table boring into her wasn't helping, either.

"But as students progress through the program and choose specialties," Richard continued, "we expect our attendings to serve as mentors to the residents. It's important to have a good working relationship and open lines of communication." Richard glanced back and forth between Derek and Meredith. "Did you two resolve whatever issue you were having last week?"

Meredith's cheeks turned an angry red. "Yes, sir." She tightened her jaw and fought all her inclinations to glare at Derek. She knew this would be an issue, and she still resented the fact that he called Richard when she stopped returning his calls.

"Actually," Derek said. He cleared his throat and pushed the corners of his mouth upward in a sheepish smile. "It was my mistake. I didn't program her number in my phone correctly, so I was calling the wrong number. She never got my messages to return."

"Ah," Richard said. He seemed satisfied with the explanation, and he was looking away when Derek subsequently winked at Meredith. "I'm glad to hear that."

It was a small olive branch, but an important one. Meredith only hoped that Richard didn't remember all of these details and lies when the truth about their relationship came out. With any luck, that would be so far in the future that all of this would be a distant memory.

Richard finished the last couple bites of his sandwich and washed it down with his coffee. "Well, Derek, shall we go meet your staff?"

"Sure," Derek said. He grabbed his newspaper from beneath his chair and stood up. His satchel was slumped against the leg of the table, and he hoisted that up as well. "Dr. Grey, did you want to join us?"

Meredith did a double take at the invitation. Under any other circumstances, she'd be thrilled to be getting this much attention from a new attending. Cristina, for one, wouldn't hesitate to get on the inside track with Derek despite the personal animosity she had towards him, and Izzie would leap out of her chair at the invitation. So when Meredith opened her mouth to respond, she wondered if she was making the right decision.

"Thanks for the invitation, but I should probably get back to the pit. Bailey expects me to be there and…" Meredith looked down at her tray. Was she making things worse by rejecting him in front of the Chief? Did that look more suspicious, or did it show that she was hard-working and dedicated?

_Crap._

Richard nodded in approval while Derek picked up what was left of his lunch. "All right then," Derek said. "I guess I'll see you around, Dr. Grey."

"Goodbye, Dr. Shepherd," she said. Her stomach tightened into a formidable knot. She could only hope these interactions would become easier once he settled into the hospital. "Have a nice afternoon, Chief," she added.

"Will do," Richard answered as he set off for the trash can near the exit.

Derek grazed her shoulder and mouthed "I'll see you later" before following him.

As soon as both men were out of the room, Meredith leaned back in her chair and let out a huge sigh. Exhaustion trickled through her veins, tightening the vessels and pinching her shoulders, neck, and head with stress. Lunch was supposed to be an opportunity to relax and regroup before returning to high alert status, but today's experience had been more labor intensive than the previous six hours of work combined.

She lifted her fingers to her temples and massaged them to stave off the blossoming headache that would likely launch into a full-blown migraine once she made her way to Izzie and Cristina's table. She closed her eyes and rubbed her fingers against her brows, palms against her cheekbones, and yawned.

"Is this where the cool kids sit now?" Cristina asked as she pulled out the chair Derek had been sitting in.

Meredith opened her eyes in time to see Cristina and Izzie finishing relocation efforts to her table.

"Trust me," Meredith groaned. "There is nothing cool about the way I'm handling Derek being at the hospital."

Cristina grunted while Izzie stabbed green beans with her fork. "Well," Izzie said, "at least you got to eat with him and the Chief."

Meredith shrugged. "It was far more awkward than interesting."

"We wouldn't know," Izzie said dryly.

Cristina pursed her lips together and nodded. Meredith suspected that additional snarky comments would've followed if Cristina wasn't making a conscious effort to be supportive.

Meredith couldn't help but feel agitated and defensive. This was exactly the kind of encounter she didn't want. "I'm sure the Chief would have invited either of you over," she argued. "I was sitting alone at the next table waiting for you when he walked by and asked me. Derek had nothing to do with it, and it's not like I could say no."

Izzie's shoulders rolled up in noncommittal acceptance of Meredith's explanation. "It's just convenient that Derek shows up and suddenly you're dining with the Chief. That's all."

"Coincidence, I promise." Meredith fidgeted with her food, lining up her remaining french fries across her tray in order of length and then stacking them like Lincoln logs. She didn't think it would do any good to continue defending herself to Izzie, but she also didn't feel like returning to the pit just yet.

The three women sat in silence while they finished their lunches. Meredith's remained mostly uneaten, and she knocked down and rebuilt her food sculptures as she prayed for her pager to go off.

"Is he starting today?" Cristina asked. The lull had become too much for all of them.

"No, Tuesday," Meredith answered. "Just settling in and meeting some people today. I don't think it's anything official." She looked up and saw Izzie and Cristina both nod.

"Tuesday," Izzie repeated.

"Yup," Meredith said.

"Does the Chief have any idea?" Izzie continued.

Meredith wrinkled her nose, still nauseous by the possibility. "I don't think so."

Izzie's eyes widened. It wasn't clear if she was hoping that the secret would come out or not. As much as Meredith relied on her friends to be her allies in this, the lunch scene made it clear that there was more than enough underlying jealousy to go around.

"The Chief won't find out as long as you're careful," Cristina assured. "I'd be more worried about Bailey."

The smell of cafeteria pizza filled her nostrils as Meredith took a deep breath, magnifying the sick feeling that had moved from her stomach up to her throat. _Bailey_. She was the one person more intimidating than the Chief. The Chief would probably be angry at both Meredith and Derek, but Derek would likely feel the brunt of the consequences. Bailey, on the other hand, would not hesitate to make Meredith's life a living hell. She'd be stuck doing rectals and paperwork for months.

"We're staying out of the hospital with it," Meredith said. "No one will find out until we want them to."

Cristina's eyebrows arched, and silence flooded the table all over again.

Meredith looked down at her watch. She'd been sitting in the cafeteria for nearly an hour, and as much as she didn't want to return to the pit, she needed to move. Her molded plastic chair was feeling harder than usual, and she wasn't enjoying the company of her fellow interns at all. She pushed away from the table and picked up her tray. "I should get going," she said, not certain that the others would care.

"Me, too," Cristina said. She cleaned up her tray, and Izzie started to follow.

"Yeah, I need to check on the post-op for Burke's patient," Izzie said in a voice that bordered on boastful.

Meredith nodded and left without waiting for them. If she pretended to be in a hurry, there was a better chance they wouldn't bring up Derek again, at least for a while. She rounded the corner of the hall and weighed her options. She could go back to the pit and wait for something to arrive, or she could grab a book from her locker and study for a while. They'd page her if anything good came in anyway, and she liked the idea of spending a little while holed up on her own, memorizing medical terminology and elaborate graphics. She walked over to the elevator and punched the "up" arrow, determined to get her materials out of her locker and resume studying.

As the elevator door opened, Meredith couldn't help but groan as she saw Derek leaning against the back wall, arms folded, and alone.

"Are you stalking me?" Meredith said as she stepped forward and selected her floor.

Derek smiled and looked up at her. He apparently hadn't even noticed her getting on the elevator.

"Because it feels like you're stalking me," she continued. "You're everywhere." She watched the lights change from one floor to the next as the elevator ascended.

"I think you're stalking _me_," Derek said. "You probably spent months waiting in that chat room for some vulnerable neurosurgeon to take advantage of."

Meredith snorted. "Right. With all my free time." She shifted as she sensed that he'd stepped forward and was now immediately behind her. "What happened to all your meetings?"

"Patricia gave me the keys to my office, so I'm going to check that out. Meeting some of the other doctors in about an hour," he explained. "Want to see my office?"

"Professional, Derek. You're my boss here. I can't go parading off to your office with you."

The elevator door opened, and Meredith set off for her locker room proud of herself for resisting temptation. She didn't immediately notice that he followed her off the elevator and continued walking beside her.

"What's unprofessional about seeing my office?" Derek asked. "It's not a euphemism for anything," he mumbled, but then added, "unless you want it to be."

Meredith stopped abruptly and turned on her heel to face him. "Dr. Shepherd," she started, but his smug smirk disarmed the assault she was planning to wage against him. He lifted his eyebrows in anticipation for her to continue, but she didn't know what else to say. "I need to study," she eventually stammered. She felt her cheeks flushing with embarrassment.

"Okay," he said. "I'll let you go study, but first…" He glanced around the corridor before tugging her coat sleeve and pulling her into a nearby supply closet.

"Der—"

"Shh," he said, silencing her protests as he closed the door behind them. "I want to talk to you. It's just for a minute."

Her heart began racing. This was how it would be from here on in – the sneaking into supply closets and publicly pretending not to care about each other when all she really wanted was to run her fingers through his hair and nibble on his ear.

"We can't do this stuff, Derek. We can't go sneaking around like—"

His lips flattened against hers. She started to stumble back into shelves of supplies, but his arms wrapped around her torso and caught her. She pressed her hands against his shirt and struggled to push him away, but it was a weak effort. Soon, she was kissing him just as anxiously, letting her hands fan out against his collarbone.

"We won't sneak around like this," he murmured in short phrases between kisses. "Just today. Just for now."

Meredith wasn't sure if she initiated more kissing or if he did, but the attraction was undeniable. She wanted to protest and yell at him for doing this to her at work, but all she could think about was his lips and tongue and the many skills they possessed.

"You're meeting's in an hour?" she asked. Her lips worked across his jaw toward his ear, and her fingers began tugging cautiously at the buttons on his shirt.

"Something like that," he answered. He pushed her lab coat back from her shoulders. "Can you lock the door?"

Meredith opened her eyes and searched the doorknob, but didn't see a lock. "Dammit," she cursed. She dropped her hands to her side and tensed her body as she took a step away from him.

Derek looked toward the door, gasping in dismay as he realized their predicament. He stretched an arm over Meredith's shoulder and gripped the shelf. His eyes drifted shut, and he rested his forehead against his arm as his body heaved large breaths.

"Sorry," she said, although she wasn't sure why she needed to apologize. She was just as disappointed that they couldn't close out the rest of the hospital and indulge in each other for a bit. She shrugged her lab coat back over her shoulders and straightened the lapels.

"No, I…" He looked up at the ceiling and backed away from her. His breaths were settling into a normal rhythm, but his skin was still flushed and his lips were swollen. "I shouldn't have…"

Meredith smiled. She wanted to chant "I told you so" at him, but in reality, she was thrilled that he was so anxious to pull her away from her work and be alone with her. Although she played hard to get, she enjoyed the chase and found him unusually good at it.

Derek had pulled out her hair tie, and she noticed it on the floor beside her foot. She crouched down to pick it up and stretched it in her fingers like a tight rubber band. She remained squatting near the ground as she pulled her hair back into a ponytail, and she folded her hands together and rested them against her knees as she hovered near the ground.

Derek sank down across from her and sat on the floor.

"At least the on-call rooms lock," Meredith offered. She didn't realize the concession she was making when she said it, but the sly grin on Derek's face immediately revealed the implication of her comment.

She was agreeing to hospital hookups and sneaking around. She'd lasted less than a day with Derek in the hospital, and she didn't have the willpower to rule out the possibility of building time into her schedule for a secret rendezvous now and again.

"Is there an on-call room close by?" Derek asked. He seemed hesitant as he spoke, like the very act of acknowledging her comment would prompt her to retract it.

Meredith frowned. "I don't know."

The corner of Derek's mouth twitched, and he stared at the floor. "It's okay. Now probably isn't the best time for…"

"Probably not," Meredith reluctantly agreed. "We don't want anyone to get suspicious." She dropped the remaining few inches to the floor so she was sitting across from him. She drew her knees to her chest and rested her chin against them as they sat in silence. "We really shouldn't do this. We agreed we wouldn't do this."

"I know," Derek said. Concentration lines formed around his eyes. "It'll be easier to work together when I actually have work to do. The work will distract me from you."

"You think so?" Meredith would never admit to the disappointment she felt over that possibility.

Derek smiled. "No, probably not. But it's a nice theory."

Meredith kicked him playfully just as a smile crossed her face.

"It's not too late you know," Derek continued. "We could talk to Richard this afternoon and get things squared away before I start."

"No," Meredith said. She glanced at the floor and noticed a thick layer of dust just beneath the shelves.

Derek pursed his lips together in an expression that looked like he was trying desperately not to frown. "I think it's only going to get more difficult – more complicated – the longer we wait."

"That's only true if we go sneaking around the hospital together," Meredith said. "We really can't sneak, Derek. No sneaking allowed."

"Fine, then we won't sneak," Derek agreed. "But you can't go out of your way to avoid me, either. I know that if an attending asked you to have lunch with him, you'd say yes."

"Fine," Meredith said. She knew she was overcompensating in her efforts to avoid him, but she hadn't figured out how to balance that yet. "But you can't ask just me. You have to ask other interns, too."

Derek shrugged. "I can do that."

"And it can't be every day. It'll be an occasional thing—like if we have a case together or something. We'll need a reason to have lunch together."

"That's fine, too."

"Well, okay then." Meredith nodded as if she'd just cemented a major business deal.

They sat uncomfortably on the cold, tile floor across from each other in silence, but neither wanted to be the first to leave the room and end their time together. Meredith got as far as standing back up and leaning against the shelves to look more productive if someone came in, but she made no movement toward the door.

"Did you make it to the trailer?" she asked, hoping a new subject would enliven their conversation.

"I did," Derek said as he returned to his feet. "It's small, but I like it. I'm hoping you will, too."

Meredith smiled. "I look forward to seeing it."

"Good," Derek said. "Me, too."

Derek brushed off the back of his pants, removing any flecks of dust or debris that may have gotten there when he sat on the floor, and stole a glance at his watch. "I guess I should go back upstairs."

"Yeah," Meredith agreed. "And I should go study or something." She fidgeted with the pockets of her lab coat.

"I'll pick you up tomorrow night?" Derek asked. He stepped toward her as he waited for her confirmation.

Meredith nodded and bit down on her lip.

"Okay." He kissed her cheek in a soft, quick way before turning to the door. The speed with which he exited and returned to the thrum of the hospital was only mildly disconcerting when compared to the ease with which he'd managed to squirm into her day and lure her to distraction.

Meredith drew the heels of her hands to her eyes and rubbed as she let out a deep sigh. If she could manage to work in the same hospital as Derek and successfully keep their relationship hidden, it would be a miracle.


	16. Chapter 16

**Author's Note: Pop quiz! This fic has been delayed because of a) writer's block, b) an impossible work schedule, c) an overextended author, or d) all of the above! If you answered d) all of the above, you win…a new chapter!!! Yes, I appreciate at this point that I'm slow with the updates, and rather than apologize for the 3,000th time, I thought I'd mix it up a bit. Writer's block has been broken, and work is letting up a bit. I'm still behind on responding to feedback, but thank you so much for all of it. More than once I've thought about giving up on this project, and the reviews make all the difference. **

Meredith's smile brightened as she neared the rear corner of the hospital parking lot and saw her jeep idling there. She'd made Derek promise not to pull up at the end of her shift or go inside to wait in the lobby, preferring instead to reach her vehicle in solitude. The added steps to the jeep would facilitate the transition from work to play, giving her a few extra moments to decompress and prepare for the evening ahead.

The sun hung low in the sky, ushering nightfall as Meredith cinched her coat and adjusted her bag on her shoulder. The last few hours of her shift had felt like an eternity. Very little was happening on the surgical wing. Her post-ops had been taken care of, charting caught up, and the pit was virtually vacant. She tried curling up on a gurney in the basement to study for a while, but as soon as she'd texted Derek that she wanted to visit the trailer tonight, all concentration was lost.

"How long have you been waiting?" Meredith asked as she opened the door and climbed to the passenger seat.

"Thirty-six hours," Derek said. He leaned over to kiss her, and because she was a safe distance from the hospital, she let him.

"I hope you won't be too disappointed when I pass out from exhaustion," she said, fighting a yawn. The only thing sustaining her was adrenaline, and the opportunity to spend some time alone with Derek was the source of it.

Derek began driving out of the parking lot. "You won't pass out," he said. He reached for a large to-go cup cradled between the seats. "Here, drink this." He passed the cup over to Meredith with his right hand while struggling to complete a turn with only his left hand on the steering wheel.

She quickly reached for the cup to rescue him and recognized the familiar logo for Seattle's Best shrouded behind the coffee collar. "What's this?" she asked. The hot beverage flooded past her lips.

"Insurance," he said. He glanced over and winked at her as she descrambled the flavors and realized it was a large mocha with extra whipped cream and a drizzle of caramel.

"Impressive." Meredith couldn't help but giggle as she imagined him making a special trip to the coffee shop on his way to pick her up. It made her wonder what other details he'd seen to.

"Do you need to stop home, or can we just go straight to my place?" Derek asked as he approached the intersection where he'd need to turn to get to Meredith's.

She mentally catalogued the interior contents of her tote bag. _Hairbrush, check. Toothbrush, check. _She always kept a change of clothes with her just in case she crossed paths with projectile bodily fluids at work. Fortunately, she hadn't needed to use them.

"We can just go," she answered. She reclined in her seat, kneading her fingers against the upholstery and resting her head against the window as Derek drove. Shadows from trees danced along the street as they wound their way through stop-and-go rush hour traffic. It was certainly a downside of the time her shift was ending – the ferry would be far more congested than normal, and the longer route around to Bainbridge wasn't even a reasonable option. "So, what have you been up to today?"

"Well," Derek started. He adjusted the visor to block out some of the low setting sunlight streaming in the windshield. "I spent most of the day settling in, shopping—"

"Shopping?" Meredith was intrigued by the prospect. She wasn't someone who tended to enjoy shopping much for anything, and she was curious if Derek was the same way. Given his collection of well-tailored shirts and cashmere, she doubted that was another area of compatibility.

Derek shrugged. "Groceries, bedding…stuff." A wry smile quirked across his lips as he said it, and immediately Meredith grew more suspicious.

"What kind of stuff?"

"Just stuff to make the trailer more livable. You'll see." He dug around between the seats for some sunglasses he'd left there earlier and put them on, obscuring his eyes from her view.

Meredith sighed and returned to her coffee as her mind wandered to all the elaborate seduction scenes he could have created. The last time she'd visited his land, he'd surprised her with an extravagant campsite, and he'd only had a few hours to plan that. She could only imagine what he could accomplish with more time.

She rolled her eyes at herself and dismissed those thoughts.

_He's been settling in, not planning stuff. Give him a break. Lower your expectations._

She shifted in her seat and returned the coffee to the cup holder as she waited for the caffeine to take effect. The adrenaline rush was wearing off now that the initial thrill of seeing him was over and the commute faced them. She flexed her feet against the floor and adjusted the climate controls to make the jeep warmer.

"How was the rest of your shift?" Derek asked as he turned into the ferry terminal and pulled into a line of cars waiting to board.

Meredith wrinkled her nose. "Pretty quiet, actually. I spent most of the afternoon studying." She leaned forward and looked to see if she'd remembered to pack her books in her bag. She hadn't anticipated having much study time, but she'd packed them anyway. It was a habit she didn't want to fall out of.

"That'll change once I start," he said. He reached over and adjusted the temperature closer to what it had been originally set to.

"How so?" Meredith stared at the heat dial and contemplated whether she was cold enough to start a silent, passive-aggressive war for control. She wasn't.

The cars crawled forward onto the Bainbridge line.

"Well," he said, "the hospital will start getting more neuro cases once I start there, and I'll let you work on some."

"Pretty sure of yourself, aren't you?" Meredith said.

Derek turned and looked at her seriously before returning his attention to the traffic. "If my experience in New York is any indication, then yeah, it will." He shrugged. "The hospital's banking on the fact that I'll draw a lot of patients. You don't recruit top neurosurgeons without that expectation." He sounded both confident and defensive as he spoke.

Meredith's skin flushed with embarrassment at striking such a nerve. She knew how good he was. She'd long suspected that he was towards the top of the field in their early conversations, but his appearance at the symposium confirmed it. Of course, he'd be a tremendous asset to the hospital, and she had no reason to doubt him like that.

"I didn't mean…" Her voice trailed off. There was no point trying to explain. "I know you'll be busy, but don't go out of your way…I mean, I don't want any special treatment from you."

"I know," he agreed.

"I think my friends will get over the fact that we're dating, but if I start getting more surgeries—"

"I get it," he said, cutting her off. "I'll spread the wealth even if I have a preference for working with you."

Meredith nodded. She was relieved he understood. She'd already felt awkward interacting with her friends since he arrived at the hospital the day before, and she worried that his preference for her would only make things worse. And more noticeable.

"There are other ways you can express your preferences," Meredith teased, hoping to lighten the mood. The last thing she wanted to think about was hospital drama, particularly when they were going off to escape it all.

She reached over and raked her fingers through the back of his head.

"What did you have in mind?" He leaned into her touch and let out a sigh.

"Oh, I don't know," she said. She curled her other hand around his thigh and squeezed gently. "Maybe you could help me study for my intern exams." A mischievous smile stretched across her lips. She enjoyed the power of making him want her, need her, even if she often ended up wanting and needing him just as much in the process.

"That's the plan," Derek said, as if it should have been obvious that he'd help her study. "And then when you pass, I'll help you celebrate."

The line of cars continued inching forward, and Derek pulled out his wallet to retrieve his fare pass. He slipped it beneath the mirror cover in the visor before wrapping his hand back around hers. Their fingers intertwined, and he raised her hand to his lips.

Meredith returned to drinking her coffee, and they sat in silence waiting to board the ferry as the sun sank lower over the Sound. While she always felt comfortable with him, she was uncertain about the night ahead. Something about having him pick her up from work and take her to his land felt more serious than before. They were going to his place, away from the comfort and security of her house, and they were going to the land where he planned to build his dream house. If his aspirations from their last visit held true, she remembered that the house wouldn't be just for him.

Meredith's hand began to feel clammy against his as her nerves built. She pulled it back and rubbed her palm anxiously against her jeans.

_Stupid nerves. This isn't a big deal._

"You okay?" he asked. He pulled his sunglasses back off, allowing Meredith to see his pupils constrict with the sudden influx of light.

"Of course. I'm fine," she answered, although the slight quaver in her voice belied her.

His blue eyes studied her, drilling just below the surface for the truth. "You seem nervous."

"Why would I be nervous?" Meredith said, trying to shrug off his attention as she looked away. She pulled the coffee cup back to her lips and groaned to herself as she considered the possibility that the badly-needed caffeine could be adding to her jitters.

"I don't know," he said. "That's why I'm asking."

"It's the caffeine. Makes me jittery sometimes."

He raised his eyebrow to convey his skepticism, making Meredith feel guiltier for lying to him.

"Okay, it's this," she admitted. "This whole thing with the going to your place and the spending the night and the sleeping with my boss and the future of it all is making me nervous."

The corner of Derek's mouth tugged up slightly as if he was suppressing a laugh. "You really haven't slept much, have you?"

"What does that have to do with anything?" Meredith folded her arms across her chest, nearly spilling coffee in the process.

"I've just noticed that you have a tendency to freak out about things more when you're tired," he said carefully. "You can take a nap. I'll wake you up when we get there. We don't have to go up on deck or anything."

Meredith's blood pressure began to rise. "This _isn't_ the tiredness talking," she said. _How could he be so dismissive and smug?_ "And I'm not freaking out."

"Okay," he said, backing off. "But you're nervous. Why are you nervous about spending the night with me?" He seemed genuinely concerned, and Meredith sensed that he was beginning to feel anxious as well.

"Because it's your place. Your land."

"Would you rather we sleep at your place tonight?" He stepped on the brakes and halted their crawl forward.

"No," Meredith answered. She motioned for him to keep driving. "That's not the point, really."

"Okay," he said. His voice was growing less confident by the second.

Meredith took a deep breath and tried to still the cacophony of voices racing through her mind. She should have known better than to plan this date after a long shift. She'd been looking forward to spending time with him all day, and now that they were together, she was ruining it with her irrational fears and overreactions. She had no reason to be nervous around him, and it really didn't matter where they spent the night. He'd spent hours looking forward to seeing her, and now she wouldn't blame him for wanting to call the whole thing off. Maybe she did need a nap; the two-year-old in her was certainly showing a proclivity toward tantrums.

"Look," she said calmly. "I don't know why I'm doing this. I guess it's just…" She swallowed hard as she saw how intensely he was looking at her. He probably felt like he was walking on eggshells around her, and that just made her feel worse. "There were weeks—months even—when I imagined having you in Seattle and had to dismiss it as a silly fantasy. But tonight, we're going to your place, your _actual _place where you're now living, and the reality is a bit overwhelming."

Derek gave her the kind of smile that made her melt into a puddle against the seat. She didn't often know what to say around him, so she was thrilled by the confirmation that she'd somehow gotten it right.

"I just don't want to blow it," she said.

"Trust me," he said, "you won't blow it." The corners of his eyes crinkled. "Unless you want to, that is," he added with a smirk.

Meredith nearly choked on her coffee. "Is there ever a moment when your mind isn't focused on sex?" she said, laughing. She doubted she'd ever stop being amused by the ease with which he could twist her words into sexual innuendoes.

"Not when you're around," he answered. His eyes sparkled with mischief as he winked at her and then advanced the vehicle through the final stages of the line onto the ferry.

Meredith considered the prospect of taking a nap in the jeep but thought better of it. The caffeine was finally kicking in, and she doubted that she'd be able to sleep long enough or well enough to make a significant difference in her energy for their evening together. She opted instead to spend the time outside enjoying the fresh air during the last few moments of daylight. Maybe that would perk her up.

Derek parked the car on the lower deck, and they got out and maneuvered around the other vehicles to make their way up to the passenger deck. The temperature was cool and dropping, particularly on the water, but Meredith didn't mind so much. They didn't need to spend the whole time outdoors, and she could always huddle against him if she felt chilled. She held his hand as they climbed the stairs and walked out toward the front of the ferry where they could get the best view of the sunset.

Maybe leaving her shift at this time wasn't so bad after all.

Meredith led the way to an isolated part of the deck and leaned against the metal railing that came up to the base of her rib cage. She wrapped her fingers against the cold steel, dragging her thumb against a part where the green paint felt uneven after coats and recoats. She took a deep breath, feeling the fresh air hit the back of her throat just as Derek coiled his arms around her waist. She tensed against him, her spine straightening into perfect book-balancing alignment, and then relaxed. Her shoulders sagged, and she leaned against him, letting him carry some of her weight. His grip tightened into a hug, and his lips settled beside her ear.

"Close your eyes," he whispered.

Meredith was surprised by the command and craned to look at him. "What?" If anything, she thought he'd want her to watch the sunset together as the ferry made its way across the water.

"Just for a minute. Close your eyes and relax," he said again. His voice was soothing—the kind of voice that could lull her into a different state of consciousness.

She closed her eyes and listened to the wind howl around them.

His voice continued in a low murmur so close to her ear that she could feel his breath against her cheek. "I know you're scared," he said. "I know this is overwhelming, and you haven't done this before. You haven't had a relationship like this, and the fact that we'll be working together makes it all the more intimidating. I know that. But you don't need to be nervous with me. I'm not going anywhere."

Meredith shivered and squeezed her shoulders up, forcing him to reposition himself so that she didn't nudge his jaw.

"You're trying to resist, and I love you anyway," he said. "So, you might as well let me."

He'd said it again. He loved her. He was comfortable saying it to her, and he didn't seem to have any expectation that she'd say it back. She wanted to say it. She could and probably should say it. She felt that way about him, and this seemed like as good an opportunity as any to confirm those feelings, but she hesitated. "Okay," was the extent of a reply she could manage.

"Okay?" he repeated, his voice a bit louder. She sensed that they were coming out of their intimate cocoon as he was no longer speaking in a tone only she could hear.

"Okay," she said. She opened her eyes and strained to see amidst the onslaught of reddish-orange light reflecting off the water. She felt the motor of the boat grow to a roar beneath her feet. The last cars and passengers had boarded, and they were pushing away from the terminal. Her body swayed with the boat's forward motion, but Derek's hands on her waist helped steady her.

She pushed against him, leveraging some space to turn around and face him rather than continuing to be sandwiched away. She needed to see his faint wisps of gray that blended into the rest of his dark hair and the hints of wrinkles around his eyes that became more pronounced when he smiled or laughed or winced. She resettled against the railing and lifted her hand to his hair, teasing out a small curl over his temple as his eyes followed her every movement.

"Meredith," he said. If there was a question coming or a continuing thought, she didn't detect it. She just enjoyed hearing him say her name.

"When I first started my internship, the only thing I could think about was surgery—how to get in on them, and then what to do once I got there. Today, all I could think about was how much longer I had to wait until I saw you again," she confessed. "Your being here has completely messed me up." Her hand slid along his temple and combed through his hair to the nape of his neck where his curls were less tamed.

"You'll be able to combine those two interests soon enough," he said.

"One is enough for me," she said. "No combinations necessary." Her hands moved down his shoulders and her palms flattened on his chest as she leaned in to kiss him. His skin was soft and smooth from a recent shave, no doubt for her benefit, and the fresh musk of his aftershave grew stronger as she closed the gap between them. She felt intoxicated, but in a way far better than tequila could manage.

Derek pulled away and cleared his throat. His lips and skin were flushed from the contact, and his eyes reflected the sun speckled water around them. "This trip always feels so much longer when you're with me," he teased. He shifted awkwardly but continued holding her against him.

The corner of Meredith's lip tugged upward, and she surveyed the crowd of commuters filling in the spaces around them. This wasn't an opportune time for a PDA, and she nodded in agreement that the wait to get to his place was frustrating. She sighed and turned away from him again but created enough space that he could stand beside her and look out over the water.

"So, how bad was it after I left yesterday?" he asked. He still seemed uncomfortable, but she couldn't determine if it was from the transition away from physical contact or the subject matter of this new conversation.

Meredith ran her hands against one another, massaging warmth into the flesh as she wrung them nervously. "It was fine," she said as convincingly as she could. In reality, it was far from it, but she was hoping to cushion the awkwardness that came with balancing her relationships with her friends with her relationship with Derek. "Cristina's being supportive."

"She really hates me, doesn't she?" he asked.

Meredith grimaced. He'd read her comment perfectly. "She'll come around," she answered, hoping it was true. "She's just worried and watching out for me."

"Maybe I can talk to her," Derek suggested. "I'll request her for a surgery."

Meredith bit her lower lip and shook her head. "You clearly don't know Cristina," she said. "She'll love the surgery, but she'll hate the talking. Don't talk to her."

"At all?"

"Not about us, no." Meredith was adamant as she spoke. It was for his well-being as much as Cristina's. Nothing positive could come out of a conversation between those two.

"Okay." Derek huffed in frustration. "But are you okay with her not being a fan of this?"

"I don't need her approval or permission," she said. Granted, she preferred having it, but she had no reasonable expectation to get it any time soon. Cristina wasn't particularly quick to warm up to anyone even if she _didn't_ have reason to bare a grudge. If she ended up liking Derek before the end of their residency, Meredith might consider it a major victory.

"What about the rest of your friends? Where do they stand?" Derek asked.

Meredith pursed her lips together as she considered the breakdown. "Izzie seems to have mixed reviews," she said. "I think she's waiting to see how this plays out once we start working together. Alex will probably be the same way, but mostly could care less. George is oblivious."

"What about Bailey?"

"Bailey?" Surprise registered in Meredith's voice as she responded. "Bailey hasn't said anything, but I'm sure she thinks you were only talking to me because your ego feeds off of having people suck up to you."

"Ouch," Derek said, wincing. "That's harsh."

"That's Bailey."

"Did she say anything after I left?" he asked.

"No, but she'd be the first to catch on to us, so..." Meredith shuddered as she imagined a disapproving glare or shake of the head coming from Bailey. "You know she's nicknamed the Nazi," she added.

Derek's eyebrows lifted. "No, I didn't."

"She's an excellent surgeon and great teacher, but she's universally feared—maybe even by the Chief," Meredith said.

Derek smiled, disbelieving. "I look forward to working with her."

Meredith shook her head. "She's intimidating," she clarified.

"I'm an attending," he said, as if that would make _him_ categorically intimidating. "She's a resident."

Meredith tried not to giggle as she calculated an over/under measure on how long it would take Bailey to put him in his place. "Good luck with that," she said, trying not to laugh.

"Seriously?"

Meredith shrugged. "You know, of all the people I worry about finding out about us, I think Bailey scares me the most." Her mind raced to an image of getting caught with Derek and the wrath Bailey would issue if she knew that Meredith was sleeping with an attending. Bailey's boss, nonetheless.

"That's not surprising," Derek said. "She's your resident. You interact with her far more than Richard."

Meredith cringed. The dread was welling up inside her, replacing the security and excitement that had taken over her mood moments before. "Thanks for reminding me."

"And I'm _her_ boss," Derek said. "So I don't know that she'll interfere quite as much as you expect her to."

"No, that just makes it worse," Meredith groaned. She rested her head against his shoulder, lamenting their situation and the reality that faced her when she returned to work tomorrow. It would be his first day and their first experiment with separating their work and personal lives, and given that it was coming on the heels of another night together, she doubted they'd be successful, particularly when she'd be driving him to work with her in the morning.

"Well, we'll just make sure we talk to the chief before she finds out, and then there's really nothing she can do about it." He was confident as he spoke, as if it was the most obvious solution in the world that Meredith was choosing to overlook.

She wanted to get to that point. She hoped that they would, but it wasn't realistic now. Not days after the ink dried on his divorce papers. Not hours before his first day as the new department head of neuro where he'd happen to oversee the surgeries she found most fascinating even before he arrived.

"Fine," she grumbled. "As long as she doesn't find out first."

Derek's fingers found her shoulder blade and gently pinched out some of the excess tension she carried there. "She won't."

She felt his thumb digging into a tight knot between her third and fourth ribs, and she moaned at his touch. He was always so damn confident about them. Whenever they were together—actually together and she wasn't pushing him away—he championed their relationship like it was the solution to the world's problems. She just wished the confidence was more contagious.

"That feels good," she murmured as the friction from his kneading fingers heated her back and dissolved the stress she'd stored there. "Thanks."

"No problem," he said, smiling. "One of the many services I can provide to help you through the rest of your internship."

"I'll take it," she said. "I'll definitely take it."

The waves were growing larger against the ferryboat as they got farther across the Sound, battering the sides of the boat several feet below their perch. The wind grew stronger absent the interference of trees or buildings to break its blustery gusts. Derek pulled her close, but it wasn't enough to stop her from shivering.

"Do you want to go in?" he asked.

"It's okay," she said between chattering teeth. "We're almost there. Let's just move around a bit." She felt an odd need to sound stronger than she was—as if standing outside in the cold would display courage. She could conquer Seattle, regardless of the weather, and she could certainly conquer him.

She hooked her arm around his waist and steered them toward the walls of the passenger deck where the structure broke the wind before it seeped through her clothes and nipped her skin.

"Tell me about the trailer," she said. She was genuinely curious but also wanted the distraction. And a different topic of conversation.

Derek's expression brightened. "It works. I like it."

Meredith smiled back, encouraging him to elaborate.

"It's much smaller than my place in New York," he said, "but it fits. You'll see." He seemed excited just talking about it, and for a fragment of a second, Meredith actually felt proud of him for taking the leap and moving into a trailer in the middle of nowhere. He'd been in New York for years and somewhere else on the east coast before that, so this had to be a significant change for him. "I even went fishing today."

"Seriously?" She struggled to imagine him sitting outdoors with a fishing pole in his perfectly cut jeans and button-down shirts. It was more unthinkable than the camping out, even, but still, he managed to surprise her with that. She looked forward to meeting the rugged outdoorsy half of him. It would be amusing, if nothing else.

Derek nodded with I-caught-a-fish-this-big-pride, but he didn't elaborate.

"I really can't imagine you fishing," Meredith said. "I have to admit."

"Well then, we'll have to go on your next day off."

Her agreement came in the form of a giggle. It was hardly the kind of date that she'd rush to tell her friends about, but it would be worth it just to say that she'd tried it. She'd humor him this once, and if it was as boring as she suspected it could be, she'd never have to do it again.

They continued wandering close to the wall as the boat neared Bainbridge. As the stress of previous apprehensions melted away, she found herself thrilled that they were escaping back to his land. It was the last place they had been where everything felt perfect. Even though he'd been leaving to go back to New York, the night had been amazing. It was their secret slice of heaven where all of the nagging by Cristina or worries of work seemed miles away. They were immune to it all, and the knowledge that Derek now had a place with working plumbing and heat made it all the more enticing. They could go and never come back, at least not until morning.

The traffic getting off the ferry moved faster than the traffic getting on. What little was left of Meredith's coffee had grown cold, and she silently cursed herself for leaving it in the car rather than taking it up to the deck with her. Now that the sky was turning indigo, exhaustion was weighing on her to the point where she nodded off intermittently as they drove the remaining distance to the trailer. Derek didn't seem to notice, or if he did, he didn't mind. Instead, he focused on the twists and turns along isolated tree-lined roads to his place and flipping through radio stations until he found one that played eighties punk music.

"Meredith, we're here." His voice cut into her sleep like a jolt of electricity. She sat up quickly and stared at the land she'd visited two weeks before. The tallest man-made structure then had been a tent Derek had assembled while she was studying at home. Now, a sleek silver trailer sat amidst a sea of green, and a yellow porch light cast the yard in a faint glow.

"It fits," she agreed. His fishing pole leaned against the front stoop, and a cooler and grill, remnants of their camp out, littered the porch.

Derek watched as she studied the décor. "I moved my gear from your trunk. You've got your jeep back now," he said. "Well, sorta."

Meredith smiled back at him. She wouldn't have her jeep back until he got a rental or his car arrived from New York, and she suspected they were both leaning toward the latter solution. "Show me the inside," she said. She stepped out of the jeep, stumbling when she realized the yard was a bit muddy and the ground wasn't as hard as a paved or gravel drive.

Derek walked around to her side of the car and took her hand, preparing her for the grand tour. "It's small—I know it's small, but I hope you like it." He was preemptively apologizing. He didn't understand that there wasn't any need to.

"You're going to live here?" Meredith asked.

"Yeah," he answered, confused.

"Then I like it," she said. She squeezed his hand and took the lead up the steps to his door, not waiting for him to guide her.

The front door was unlocked, and it swung open easily, creaking as it turned on the hinge. She scraped her feet along an already soiled welcome mat, and stepped inside.

The layout was simple. A couch flanked one end of the trailer while a queen size bed took up the other end. In between was a dinette, a small kitchen with a stove, microwave, and refrigerator, and a door for what she assumed was the bathroom. She also noticed a small writing desk and virtually no storage space. It probably was a good thing that the only thing he was bringing with him was his wardrobe, and even that was going to be a tight fit.

"I got groceries today, so help yourself if you're hungry or anything. And I'm going to grill steaks for dinner," he explained as he walked forward.

Meredith noticed that he had a small flower arrangement on the dinette, purchased in her honor, no doubt, and a row of unlit candles sat on the windowsill behind the neatly made bed.

"The toilet and sink are over here," he said, opening a door as if she needed the visual confirmation to believe him. "And the shower is on this side." Another door opened, and she saw a small shower. He started to close the door, but something purple caught her attention. She stopped him and stepped inside to get a closer look.

"Is this my shampoo?" she asked. She picked up the bottle and studied it. It was new, and the one left at her house wasn't. It was too much of a coincidence that he would use lavender shampoo and conditioner, and she noticed a second set of bottles on the ledge. Different. Not purple.

Derek almost seemed embarrassed that she'd noticed. "I want you to be comfortable here," he explained. "I figured you could keep a set of your bath products here, just in case."

Meredith grinned. "Just in case."

Derek backed up and sat on the bed. "I got you a spare toothbrush, too." He was prepared to make her time here much more than an occasional sleepover.

She arched her eyebrow and moved toward him. "Just in case?" she asked as she pushed him down on the bed and straddled his hips.

"Just in case," he agreed. His pupils dilated, flooding his irises with onyx, and he licked his lips in anticipation.

Meredith hovered over him, letting her hair tumble off her shoulder and hang straight down to the bed. "And how's the bed? Did you sleep here last night?"

"I did," he said. "I think it's good, but I was waiting for you to really test it out." He sat back up, propping himself on his elbows, and leaned for her mouth, but she avoided him. She lowered herself against his pelvis, and ground against him unintentionally as she worked to shrug off her coat and toss it to the floor. She then straightened her legs and rolled on top of him, forcing him to lower himself back to the bed in the process. His hair was a windblown mess after being on the ferry, and she was anxious to run her fingers through it. Pull it, even.

"Well, let's see what this bed can do," she said. She peeled off her top so she was wearing nothing but a silky black bra chosen with this date in mind. She crawled off him and scooted further up the bed where she could lean back against pillows and sprawl out completely without having to dangle off the side of the bed as his legs were.

Derek moved to his side, his face parallel with her stomach. He kissed her skin gently at first, then seemed to grow hungrier as his tongue got involved. He continued to inch his way up her body, cupping then squeezing her breast, and she responded to each touch. Her fingers continued to tangle and twist his hair, tugging it between her fingers as she pulled him closer. She wanted to be able to taste him, too, and her patience was growing shorter with every breath. It felt like an eternity since she'd felt him inside her, and as much as she enjoyed the foreplay, she wasn't in the mood for appetizers as much as she craved the main course. As far as she was concerned, she'd been waiting for him ever since greeting him in the parking lot at Seattle Grace.

His mouth met her breast and kissed her through the fabric of her bra, darkening the material with his saliva as he worked to pull her out of the fabric. He didn't seem interested in fiddling with the clasp. It was too time consuming, even for his practiced hands. Instead, he cupped his hand over her flesh and slid the fabric lower until it bunched beneath her breast, exposing her. His mouth greedily took over while his hand slid her bra strap down her arm and worked to free her other breast.

"Derek," she groaned. She was trying to pull him up, pull him closer to her so she could feel and explore more of him, but his mouth felt incredible just where it was. She couldn't bring herself to interrupt him. Instead she writhed against him, wrapping her legs around him in a subtle reminder that there was much, much more that they could do, and she would participate very willingly.

His tongue grazed her sternum, her clavicle, her neck, searing her skin with each stroke. Hot. Scorching.

She needed his clothes to come off. Now.

She tugged at his sweater so fiercely she was surprised it didn't tear. Derek straightened his arms to make it easier for her to strip him, but it still seemed to take too long. One arm, then the other, then over his head. The layers of shirts came off and tumbled to the little floor space available beside the bed, but Meredith's attention had already moved to his pants. She could see the length of him bulging against the seam of his jeans, straining to get out, but her fingers weren't working fast enough. Of all nights, he chose tonight to wear button-fly jeans, and he met her frustration with grunts as she undid the buttons inch by inch.

"Shoes," she said as she kicked hers off. They hit the floor with a thud, cueing Derek to echo her movement. Two additional, heavier sounding thuds reverberated at the foot of the bed. She shimmied out of her remaining clothes and found herself panting when she saw Derek crawl off the bed to do the same.

She enjoyed watching him undress, studying the way the hair on his stomach swirled and grew thicker as it outlined a path down, down…

His belt buckle hit the floor along with the rest of his pants, and it sounded like some change from his pocket was rolling onto the vinyl in the kitchen only a few steps away. He was naked at the foot of the bed and ready for her. His skin was flushed, and his gaze was unusually intense as he returned her stare.

Meredith moved to the middle of the bed and waited for him. The anticipation felt like it had been building, building, building like a bottle of carbonated beverage, shaken and ready to explode. She bunched some pillows behind her and reached for him. She needed to feel him. All of him. She slid her hand along his length, caressing his skin in such a way that he had to pause and take a long, deep breath before completing his reach for the condoms in the nightstand. He kneeled in front of her, but he seemed to be moving in slow motion. As long as she was the master pulling the strings, he was incapable of doing anything else.

"Oh, god," he groaned. His eyes were glassy, and his hips had started a half-thrust half-rotate pattern that he didn't seem to have any control over. The condom wrapper fell out of his hand and onto the bed, and he reached for Meredith's shoulders and hair – something to hold onto while she stroked him slowly. Glacially. Watching his anticipation build to match her own. Watching his face contort as he silently begged her to pick up the pace and just let him take over and push, push, push.

She stopped long enough to reach for the condom and take it out of the wrapper. She draped it over his tip and drew his whole body closer.

His mouth. She sucked on his lip, his tongue, as she finished preparing him to be inside of her. She didn't need to look at what she was doing; she could feel him straining as the condom rolled lower, lower until her hand met his base. She cupped him and drew him toward her, ready.

"I really want you," she purred. She arched her back and pulled her knees toward her shoulders as he settled on top of her, plunging into her in one long stroke that made her world stop.

Then _he_ stopped.

Meredith gasped. She contracted her muscles around him as a million sensitive nerve endings twittered with arousal. She writhed beneath him and opened her eyes, only to find him staring back at her.

His hands slid through her hair. His eyes remained locked on hers with an intensity that almost scared her. He rendered her powerless.

Without saying a word, he dropped his mouth to hers and kissed her fervently as he established a rhythm that drove her to the brink of delirium. Her hands clenched against his shoulder blades and her toes curled along his calves as she maneuvered beneath him, searching for a position that would precipitate her release.

"I'm close," she whined in a voice so throaty she barely recognized it as her own. She was panting, her chest was slick with sweat, and she was frustrated that just as she was about to climax, he'd change rhythm to slow her down—a move she knew was intentional.

"You're close?" he asked. He gritted his teeth together and his breathing hitched as his own control seemed to waver. "Let me help you." He moved his hand between them and thrummed against her as he resumed bucking into her frenetically.

Her vision blurred until there was no point in trying to see anymore. She closed her eyes and screamed as wave after wave rolled through her body, washing her in ecstasy while Derek finished. Her body felt limp, like an elastic band stretched beyond its breaking point, and she fought to steady her breathing as he collapsed on top of her.

"Welcome to the trailer," he said, grinning.

Meredith giggled. "Thanks," she said. She pulled the blankets over them even though she was plenty warm. "I love it."

"You do?" He sounded surprised to hear that admission.

"Of course," she whispered. Maybe it was the high of the orgasm that stripped her defenses and left her feeling confident and honest. "I love _you_."

Derek looked stunned for a fraction of a second, and then a smile warmed his face, reaching the corners of his eyes and lifting his flushed cheeks. "I love you, too," he murmured. He kissed her softly, intimately, and in that moment, Meredith felt so safe she couldn't second-guess her decision to tell him.

They snuggled against each other, sated until the sound of Derek's stomach gurgling interrupted the moment. He rolled off her and sat up, laughing at himself. "Are you hungry?"

"Hmmm." Meredith sighed. She was content spending the rest of the night in bed, but she remembered him mentioning steak. "Sure," she said.

"I'll go start dinner," he said as he located his pants and shirt from the floor and carried them towards the bathroom.

Meredith pulled the blankets tightly around her to compensate for the loss of his body heat. "Okay," she said, feeling half-dazed. "I'm just going to stay here for a few minutes."

He paused to hover in the doorway. "Good bed, huh?" he asked.

"Excellent bed," she answered as her eyelids closed, and she drifted to sleep.

*****************

Meredith's eyes opened again and slowly adjusted to the unfamiliar environment. The trailer was completely dark but for the lamp on Derek's side of the bed. His legs stretched beneath the covers as he leaned against a large pile of pillows, and he was reading a medical journal covered with notes and underlining that sat in his lap.

"What time is it?" she asked, still disoriented. She thought he was making dinner.

Derek put his pen inside the journal and closed it. "It's almost midnight," he said. He placed the journal on his nightstand and smirked. "You fell asleep."

Meredith draped her arm over his legs and rested her head against his lap. "Oh," she mumbled, still a bit confused. "What about dinner?"

Derek chuckled and started combing his fingers through her long hair. "It's in the fridge. You were really out of it, so I let you sleep."

"Oh," she said, disappointed. "Did you eat?"

"Well, yeah," he admitted. "I was hungry."

Meredith groaned and buried her head against his thigh. This was supposed to be a romantic first night together at his new place, and she had ruined it by falling asleep. He'd shopped and cooked for her—grilled steaks, even, and she knew he didn't often eat red meat—and she'd conked out in his bed before the afterglow of sex had even subsided.

"You shoulda woke me up," she argued, mad at herself more than anything.

"I tried," he said. "You were really tired." He squeezed her bare shoulder reassuringly. At least he seemed amused by the conversation rather than upset. "Are you hungry now? I could heat up the leftovers for you."

Meredith wrinkled her nose. She'd been looking forward to the steak and wine earlier, but it didn't sound as good coming off of a few hours of sleep. "Maybe I could get something small. Cereal or something?"

"Sure," Derek said, smoothing her hair against her back. He slid out from beneath the covers and walked toward the kitchen, flipping on a light over the sink.

Meredith tugged the covers around her and rolled to the side of the bed in search of her clothes. She found her panties balled up near her nightstand, but her pants and shirt were nowhere to be seen. She eventually stopped looking and opted to borrow a tee from him instead. Goose bumps crawled all over her skin as she stood up, and she modestly wrapped her arms across her chest for warmth as she walked over to his dresser. She opened the top drawer and rifled through some socks and boxers before shifting to another drawer. She saw a heather gray tee on top, and slipped it over her head. A faded Bowdoin emblem was printed on the front, and it hung down to her thighs.

It smelled like him. Maybe she wouldn't give it back.

She stepped into the kitchen, nearly tripping over the blankets that had toppled over the edge of the bed, but recovered as she braced herself against the wall. It was an upside of living in such small quarters, she supposed. There wasn't much space to fall without catching herself first.

Derek eyed her wardrobe selection. "That looks good on you," he said. He pulled out a spoon from the drawer and handed her the bowl of cereal before he put the milk and box away.

Meredith cradled the cold bowl in her hand, careful not to let the milk slosh out the sides as she walked over to his dining room table. Or was it a kitchen table? There wasn't exactly space for a separate dining room in the trailer. It was just one long room with a bathroom cordoned off to the sides. She set the bowl on the table and sat down on the padded dinette seat.

Derek flicked on a couple more lights before settling across from her. Tiredness painted the flesh beneath his eyes darker than before as he waited to go to sleep. She suspected that he was only awake for her benefit.

"Sorry, I fell asleep," Meredith mumbled between bites of cereal. It was dry and relatively tasteless, Muesli she thought, but she wasn't about to complain.

"You really don't need to apologize," he said. He slid over and leaned against the window so he could stretch his legs across the rest of his seat. "It was a lot to ask just to have you come out here tonight. I don't blame you for being tired."

"Still, I feel pretty lame about it."

"Well," he said, "I'm sure you'll have plenty of opportunities to make it up to me." He folded his hands in his lap and watched patiently as she ate her cereal.

"I'm surprised you're still up, actually," she commented. "You must be tired."

Derek shrugged. "A little. I probably would've fallen asleep soon if you hadn't woken up."

"Go to bed," she said, feeling even guiltier about her inopportune sleep schedule. "It's okay."

"No," he answered. "I want to wait for you."

Meredith blushed. There wasn't anything sexual about his comment, but she was excited to know that he preferred sleeping with her, too.

"Are you sure? You'll be tired in the morning, and it's your first day and all."

A warm smile flashed across his face. "I'll be fine." He frowned unexpectedly and scooted off his seat to stand back up. Meredith watched him wander over to the coffee maker and check the settings. "If we leave by five," he mumbled mostly to himself, "we should be able to make your shift at six." He programmed the coffee pot and sighed. He leaned against the kitchen cabinets and watched her. The dim light over the sink cast him in a greenish-yellow glow that only made him appear more exhausted.

Meredith drank the milk out of the bottom of her cereal bowl and wiped away a drip from the corner of her mouth. She crossed the space to the sink to deposit her empty bowl there and wrapped her arms around his waist in the process.

"Thanks for inviting me over tonight," she said. She rested her head against his shoulder as he hugged her back.

"Of course." A small laugh came out as he spoke. "Anytime."

"My place tomorrow night?" she suggested.

His hand slid up and down her spine, tugging the cotton of her tee along with it. "Okay," he agreed, "but it's your turn to cook."

Meredith laughed. "We can reheat the steak in the microwave, right?"

Derek pulled away from the sink, ushering her back towards bed in the process. "Sure," he said as he joined her laughter. He turned the lights off throughout the trailer until only the dim lamp on his nightstand was left.

Meredith slipped back beneath the mossy green blanket and white sheets and watched as Derek pulled off his shirt and crawled into bed beside her. He turned off his light, leaving only the faint glow from the moon to stream through the skylight over the bed. He snuggled up beside her, draping his arm around her waist as they settled into a comfortable spoon before falling asleep.


	17. Chapter 17

**Author's Notes: Thanks for the continued patience on the updates! I'm trying to fit more writing time into my schedule (and arguably succeeding!) so maybe, **_**maybe**_** these will start to arrive more frequently. I've also made a small dent in responding to feedback, and I'm setting aside time to get to more. Thank you so much for the reviews! I truly appreciate each and every one. **

The alarm clock startled Meredith from sleep with its shrill beeping, and Derek jerked away from her to turn it off. It was still dark outside, and the only light seemed to emanate from the glow of the clock's digits.

Meredith groaned. "Let's skip work today and stay here," she said. She wrapped her arms around Derek's torso, holding him bed.

"Okay," he said. "I'll call the Chief and tell him that we're just going to stay in bed together today. Let me find my phone."

Meredith whimpered. She hadn't been serious with her suggestion just as she knew he wasn't serious with his response. Nor was she thrilled to be reminded of the Chief so early in her day.

Derek rolled over and kissed her forehead. "I don't know why you're whining," he said. "I'm the one going into work two hours early this morning." His car wasn't set to arrive in Seattle for another day, leaving him beholden to her schedule for transportation reasons.

"I know," Meredith said as she pulled the covers over her shoulder. "You know what I think might help?"

"Having my own car?" Derek answered.

"No, help with the grumpiness, I mean."

Derek sighed, and she could practically hear the smile spread across his face. "What?"

"A quickie. I think a quickie could be an amazing wake-up call this morning," she said. She could hear the pre-programmed coffee maker gurgling to life in the kitchen, and she knew the alarm would go off again soon, but she wanted to stay in bed as long as possible. The more she could delay going to work with him, the happier she would be.

Derek shifted and began kissing the side of her neck. "You think that's a good idea?" he growled. His hands slid along her sides and settled against her hips. His thumbs dragged against the lacy elastic of her panties. "Filling my head with dirty thoughts before work?"

"As if you wouldn't have them anyway," she challenged.

"True." Derek started to tug against her underwear. "But I'm learning to resist temptation." He stopped abruptly and moved away to turn on the lamp beside the bed.

As soon as Meredith's eyes adjusted to the influx of light, she saw him grinning broadly at her. "You're turning down sex? You don't turn down sex. You _never_ turn down sex."

Derek shrugged and stood up. "Maybe if you have lunch with me today, I'll reconsider."

"Derek," she groaned. "We can't have lunch. Besides, I need to go see my mom today."

Surprise flickered across his face. "Your mom's in town?"

Meredith's heart rate stampeded upward. She hadn't been thinking when she let that slip out. "Yeah," she said weakly.

"Huh," Derek grunted. He sat back down on the edge of the bed with one leg folded and the other dangling over the side. "You should invite her to dinner tonight."

"You can't seriously want to do the parent thing," Meredith said. Anxiety coiled around her like wire on a spool.

"Why not?" Derek asked. His smile slowly melted into a frown. "She's a world famous surgeon in addition to being your mom. I'd be curious to talk to her even if I wasn't dating her daughter."

Meredith glanced over at the clock. "We're going to be late if we don't get going," she said as she peeled the covers away from her body and started to get out of bed. She couldn't help but notice the defeated expression on Derek's face, and her resistance crumbled. He was reaching out, making an effort to be sweet, and she was beating down his ideas one after another. She couldn't blame him for feeling hurt over the fact that she professed to love him but refused to be seen with him in any social situation. No friends, no family. Her rejection tactics weren't subtle, and she didn't like disappointing him.

"I'll see if she's available tonight," she said, knowing that her mother's condition would always make dinner plans with Derek impossible. She then added, "She's a busy woman, though. She probably has plans already."

Derek stood up and nodded. "Okay," he said. He tugged at the sheets to pull them back into place and made the bed while Meredith slipped away to the shower.

********************

The morning commute was mostly uneventful. Meredith reminded Derek several times that under no circumstances was he allowed to choose her as his intern that day, and he playfully responded with hypothetical scenarios of all the rare surgeries he would have to pass on to somebody else. By the time she approached the hospital entrance to drop him off, she'd conceded her willingness to scrub in on four uncommon advanced procedures, and she cursed him for manipulating her. She then parked the jeep and waited, hoping that enough time had passed so that no one could suspect them of arriving together before she walked inside.

As Meredith reached the elevator, Derek was standing there waiting with a newspaper in one hand and a fresh cup of coffee in the other. Bailey stood two feet in front of him, staring at the numbered lights above. The elevator seemed to be stuck on the fourth floor.

"Good morning, Dr. Grey," Derek said in a voice that bordered on overeager. He grinned impishly.

"Dr. Shepherd," Meredith said with a perfunctory nod. Her lips twisted into a pout as she waited for the elevator to arrive. "Dr. Bailey," she acknowledged, trying to make the morning meet-and-greet as natural and all-inclusive as possible.

Bailey turned around and stared Meredith up and down. "Good morning," she said in a tone that was not quite friendly. "Dr. Shepherd," she added, "you're here early." She glanced over at him before turning back to face the elevator.

"Just ready to get started," he said. "I like mornings, and since I was struggling to sleep, I figured I'd come in." He smugly sipped his coffee.

Meredith felt her cheeks warm, although she didn't want to react in any way to anything he said. She couldn't give a hint that she was somehow associated with his sleep schedule. The only silver lining was that Bailey was still staring at the elevator doors, willing them to open, rather than observing the way Derek struggled not to broadcast his relationship with Meredith.

"Rough night?" Bailey asked. She probably wasn't the slightest bit interested in anything that Derek may have been up to, but he didn't know her well enough to realize that she was just being polite, and even that was only because it was his first day. He took the invitation to be Chatty-freaking-Cathy and ran with it.

"Not exactly," he said. A smile spread across his lips. "I was all settled into bed, but then I heard some animal scrounging around for food. I had to get up and check it out."

Bailey grunted in the same _you're so stupid _tone normally reserved for interns, but Derek didn't notice. "You should get traps. You don't want animals digging around your place. Next thing you know, you'll have bears."

"You're probably right," Derek said. "I just feel bad doing it—it was cute and furry."

Meredith glared at him. _Cute and furry? Seriously?_

"You won't think a grizzly is so cute and furry," Miranda said. "Elevator's slow today. I'm taking the stairs." She started off toward the stairwell without an additional glance in their direction.

"Nice, Derek." Meredith mumbled as soon as Bailey was a safe enough distance away. "An animal scrounging for food? Seriously?"

Derek laughed, amused with himself. "I was honest about the cute part."

Meredith feigned disgust. "I think I'll take the stairs, too." She turned away from him and followed the path already forged by Bailey.

"We'll talk later?" he called after her, but she ignored him. She could already tell this was going to be more complicated than she thought. This was her career—her whole life—and he couldn't even have normal conversation without dropping subtle hints that they were involved. Sure, they weren't hints that anyone besides Meredith was likely to decode, but the intention annoyed her, nonetheless. Maybe if he pushed just hard enough, made her bend just far enough, she'd give up, and they'd go running to the chief to confess their relationship.

He was a fool if he thought that. There'd be no bending. None. Not if he was tormenting her like that. There was nothing bendy about her.

Meredith snarled in frustration as she pushed open the locker room door and made her way to her locker to change. Cristina was already there in full uniform, waiting, but the other interns hadn't arrived yet.

"You're here early," Meredith commented as she spun the combination lock on her locker.

"Pre-round rounds," Cristina said. "There's a cardio case I want with Burke."

Meredith couldn't hide her amusement at Cristina's enthusiasm. "What, you don't want a neuro case with the new attending?" she asked sarcastically.

"I don't think I'd get it even if I did," Cristina answered. She sat on the bench and double-knotted her tennis shoes.

"You'd get it," Meredith said. "He knows better than to give it to me." Meredith opened the door and pulled out a clean pair of folded scrubs.

Cristina half-smiled. "Sure." She looked down at the floor for a moment before glancing over at Meredith. "So he's here?"

"Yeah," Meredith said as she pulled the scrubs over her long-sleeved shirt. "First day."

"First day," Cristina repeated. She stood up and stretched her arms over her head, interlacing her fingers together as her muscles extended and her neck bent from side to side. "I'm sure it'll be fine."

"Yeah."

Meredith finished dressing and grabbed her notes and stethoscope. Cristina had already moved on to the nurse's station to start reviewing charts, and Meredith was anxious to join her. Eventually, Izzie, Alex, and George arrived, and Bailey followed quickly behind.

"Busy morning," Bailey said without bothering with any other greetings. "Take a chart and familiarize yourself so you can present. Dr. Shepherd is going to join us this morning, and you will not embarrass me." She distributed a file to each of them while Izzie and Cristina both stared questioningly at Meredith.

Meredith shrugged off the attention and sighed with relief when she saw that her patient had polycystic kidney disease and not some glaring neuro condition.

"Good morning again, Dr. Bailey," Derek said in his cheerful morning voice as he approached the group. He glanced around at the assembled interns, but Meredith avoided making eye contact.

"Glad you could join us, Dr. Shepherd," Miranda answered. "We're just getting started." She led the group into the first room where Cristina expertly earned her assignment to work on a cardio case with Burke. Soon after, Alex was assigned to get labs for a cancer patient, and only Izzie, George, and Meredith remained unassigned for the day. They walked into the kidney patient's room as Meredith took one last look at the chart.

"Dr. Grey?" Bailey prompted once they'd all settled into place.

"Sarah Morgan, 32, undergoing treatment for infection relating to polycystic kidney disease. Mild fever, BP 150 over 90, starting to respond to IV—"

Derek cut her off. "Sarah, your blood pressure's a little high. How are you feeling?"

"Tired, and my head hurts," the patient responded.

Derek frowned. He flashed a small light in Sarah's eyes and studied her reaction while the interns watched.

"What might elevated blood pressure be a risk factor for?" he asked, returning his attention to the interns.

Meredith's mind raced through a catalogue of symptoms and diagnoses, starting with the ones likely to intrigue Derek first. _Aneurysm_. _PKD can be a risk factor for aneurysms, and high blood pressure increases the risk._ She bit her lip and waited, hoping Izzie or George would reach the same conclusion and pipe up.

Bailey's eyes grew wide as she stared at her remaining interns, and the threat of embarrassing her loomed heavy in the air.

"Aneurysm," Meredith finally blurted. She hoped that Izzie or George would jump in and run with it, but they said nothing.

"Dr. Grey?" Derek urged. A twinkle of amusement glimmered behind his eyes.

"Between four and ten percent of PKD patients develop aneurysms," Meredith continued. "High blood pressure increases the risk of rupture."

Derek nodded. "When was the last time you had a CT scan or MRI?" he asked Sarah.

"A few weeks ago," Sarah answered.

"It may be nothing, but I'd like you to have another just to rule that out as the source of your headache," he said. His voice was calm and soothing, exemplifying his impeccable bedside manner. "Dr. Grey, could you schedule those tests, please?"

Meredith panicked. "Yeah," she stammered. "But—"

"Unless you're already committed for the day," Derek said.

"She absolutely is _not_," Bailey said firmly. "Are you?"

"No," Meredith whispered. "Of course not."

"Excellent," Derek said. "We'll get those tests, and I'll be back to let you know what's going on as soon as we have the results." He smiled warmly and patted the patient's arm before turning toward the door.

If it wasn't for Dr. Bailey gripping Meredith's elbow and escorting her out of the room, Meredith may have stayed glued in place.

"You two go on to the next room and wait for me," Bailey instructed to Izzie and George once they were in the hall.

Izzie brushed against Meredith as she passed. "That wasn't predictable," she muttered sarcastically before continuing down the hall. Derek moved over to the nurse's station counter, but remained within earshot of the coming conversation.

"What was that?" Bailey asked. Her arms folded across her chest in a don't-even-think-to-mess-with-me-this-morning pose.

"I'm sorry?" Meredith's heart was racing, and her face flushed.

"Why the hesitation in there? I could tell you knew the answer—it registered on your face the second Shepherd asked the question."

"I just…" Meredith's mind searched for an explanation that wouldn't get her into more trouble. "I've been doing a lot of neuro cases lately, and I was hoping that Izzie and George would say something."

It was the wrong answer.

Bailey's eyes narrowed. "When an attending asks a question and you know the answer, you give it immediately. Not tomorrow, not in a few minutes, and not just when the case ranks high on your specialty list of the day. Immediately."

"Yes, Dr. Bailey," Meredith said. She shifted uncomfortably.

"And when an attending assigns you to a task, there are no 'buts' in your response. Are we understood?"

"Yes." Meredith nodded.

"Pull that crap again, and I'll have you on scut for a month," Bailey threatened as she walked toward the next patient room, leaving Meredith stunned.

Meredith blinked and clutched the chart to her chest, trying to comprehend what had just happened. Not only had she angered her friends by unwittingly landing a potential neuro case with Derek, but she'd angered Bailey as well. Not the start she wanted for her day.

Derek continued to hover nearby and even glanced back at Meredith once while she stood there. He was unavoidable, so she walked to the counter beside him.

"You couldn't have addressed that question toward Izzie or George?" she grumbled. Her cheeks flushed as anger rose up and boiled over.

Derek closed a chart and looked up at her, his eyebrows lifting. "It was an open question. They could've answered. Don't be mad at me that they didn't."

Meredith huffed.

"So, what, you're just going to play dumb any time I ask a question from now on?" Derek rolled his eyes and put the chart back in the stack behind the counter. "That's mature."

Meredith shook her head in annoyance. "I told you I didn't think it was a good idea that we work together yet."

"Look," Derek said, his patience thin. He took a deep breath and leaned into her. "Don't let our relationship hold you back. The only personal preference I'm exerting here is to work with an intern that understands the case," he said in hushed tones so no one could overhear. "If it happens to be you, so be it. But don't accuse _me_ of making things personal."

Derek pushed away from the counter and started walking down the corridor before she had a chance to respond. "Page me when you get the test results," he yelled before turning the corner.

Feeling defeated, Meredith booked the tests and returned to the patient.

***************************

"I hear you're on Shepherd's case today," Alex said as he walked into the CT scan booth and sat beside Meredith.

"Yup," Meredith sighed. She wouldn't even pretend to be enthusiastic about it. "Is that news spreading all over the hospital?"

Alex shook his head dismissively. "No, why would that be news?"

Meredith assessed whether he was mocking her or genuinely out of the loop.

"You're still dating him?" Alex asked.

"Bingo! Yet another reason I'm a pariah today," Meredith said.

"Whatever," Alex replied. "Dude may have good hair and all, but no one thinks that's why you're working with him."

"Could you explain that to Izzie for me?" Meredith was half-serious.

"Of course you're on Shepherd's case—just like you've been working with Weller and Kriachek on the majority of neuro cases since we started. It's your thing. _That's_ what they're jealous of."

Meredith hunched forward and rested her head in her hands as she scanned the results on the computer monitor. "I hope you're right," she mumbled.

"Of course, I'm right," Alex said.

"Damn," she whispered as she saw a large aneurysm appear in the images of the temporal lobe. It hadn't ruptured yet, but given the size, she knew it was a ticking time bomb. She reached for the phone to page Derek.

"Just don't get so caught up in him that you forget about us. Joe's tonight?" Alex continued as he backed out of the room.

Meredith nodded. "Yeah, sure." She smiled gratefully towards Alex and waved goodbye, humoring the momentary distraction while she waited for Derek to arrive.

Once Alex left, she found herself mesmerized by the images before her. She knew it was surgical, and that always precipitated a rapid release of adrenaline in her. Alex was right—this was her thing. She was fascinated by neurosurgery. It was what drew her to Derek in the first place, and if she could get away with it, she'd happily work on nothing but his cases the rest of her career even if they weren't dating. If the other interns wanted it, they were welcome to take a shot, but she wasn't going to hand it to them. Cristina certainly wouldn't; she'd be no different.

"So, what do we have?" Derek said, interrupting her thoughts as he hovered over the back of her chair.

"Unruptured aneurysm," Meredith said as she pointed. She felt a smile spreading across her face, and although she knew she shouldn't be smiling over such a diagnosis, she couldn't help herself.

Derek gasped. "It's a miracle that hasn't ruptured yet. Book an OR for us." He looked down and caught her gaze, noticing her smile in the process. "You're…suddenly chipper. What's gotten into you?"

Her smile was contagious.

"Coil embolization?" she asked.

Derek nodded.

"I like those," she said, shrugging coyly.

"I bet you do," he teased. He chuckled at her enthusiasm. "So do I."

Meredith beamed, unable to suppress the excitement that propelled her to lean dangerously close to him.

Derek moved to kiss her, but abruptly stood up and backed away before their lips made contact. "I'll have to find ways you can thank me later," he said, flustered.

Meredith snapped out of her momentary intoxication. "Right."

"Book the OR. I'll talk to the patient, and you can prep her," he instructed. The only thing that belied the professionalism of their relationship was the way he let his hand linger on her arm a little too long as he spoke to her.

"Okay," Meredith said as she reached again for the phone. "Thanks, Dr. Shepherd," she added as he started to walk out the door.

Derek stopped in the doorway and turned toward her. An expression of amusement covered his face. "Of course, Dr. Grey. See you soon."

Meredith smiled at him and returned to work.

*********************

If Izzie, George, Cristina, and Bailey hadn't been watching the surgery from the gallery, Meredith's good mood might have lasted the entire day. Instead, her love for working with Derek was dampened by the judgmental gazes cast in her direction. She felt nervous swimming in the surgical fish bowl, and Derek's frequent glances and smiles did little to reassure her. She knew she'd earned this opportunity legitimately, but she also recognized the level of scrutiny that would surround them whenever they worked together. For now, it was limited to the view of her friends that knew about the relationship, but the network had the potential to grow much larger, and that was unnerving.

Meredith peeled off her gloves and gown in silence as she scrubbed out.

Derek followed behind her. "Good work today, Dr. Grey," he said.

"I didn't do much," Meredith answered.

"You know," Derek said, "if Bailey were here now, I believe she'd say something like 'when an attending gives you a compliment, you should say thank you. Don't make excuses.'" He winked at her as he said it.

"Right." Meredith blushed. "Thanks," she added sarcastically.

She kicked on the strong stream of warm water and stared at the clock. _Four o'clock_. The day had gone by quickly. She sighed as she reached for the soap.

"Sorry you had to miss lunch with your mom today," Derek mumbled.

Meredith closed her eyes and silently cursed herself. She hadn't even thought about making it to the assisted living home to see her mom since the morning, and pangs of guilt rippled through her. "It's okay," she dismissed. She wanted to shut down the conversation as quickly as possible.

"I'm sure she understands with surgeries," he reassured. "Did you ask her about dinner?"

Meredith shook her head. "She can't tonight," she said.

"Oh," Derek said. He paused. "Another time then."

They stood in uncomfortable silence as Meredith contemplated telling him about her mother's condition.

"Are you still mad at me about this morning?" he asked, interrupting her thoughts.

"What?" Meredith gasped. She turned off the water and reached for a towel.

"I'm just trying to figure out this whole hot-and-cold thing we've got going today," he said. He seemed genuinely confused and frustrated as he studied her.

"No," Meredith answered. "I'm not mad. You're right. I should take my shot just like everyone else. Our relationship has nothing to do with that."

Derek nodded but seemed unconvinced.

"So, we're screwing each other. Who cares?" Meredith said flippantly. "That has nothing to do with my ability to answer questions and assist on your cases." She spoke with a confidence that surprised even herself.

A dark expression washed over Derek's features. "Yeah, 'screwing.' Nice," he repeated through a tightening jaw. "So what?"

"Derek," Meredith said. She dropped her towel into the hamper and leaned against the wall. She hadn't meant to be cavalier about their relationship, and it bothered her that he was so sensitive about it. "That's not what I meant."

"No, it's fine," he said. He stomped away from the sink and flung a towel over his hands. "If that's how you want to think about us here, I can live with that. I just want to know what to expect, Dr. Grey."

His tone sliced through her like a scalpel tearing through flesh. She couldn't figure out why their conversation had deteriorated so quickly. One minute she was planning to open up to him, and the next they were fighting over nothing.

"I'm Dr. Grey again?" She was beyond flustered. "Derek, I—"

"We'll talk later," he interrupted. "I trust you can handle the post-op?" He rushed out of the room before she could manage more than a weak nod in response.

****************

Meredith spent the next few hours replaying their conversation in her head. She knew she'd hurt his feelings when she referred to their relationship as just sex, but he'd overreacted. He, of all people, should have known it was more than that to her. She'd told him she loved him just the night before.

"When did he become a fourteen-year-old girl?" Meredith complained to Cristina as they walked toward the locker room at the end of their shift.

"Welcome to your 'professional' relationship," Cristina said with more than a hint of an I-told-you-so.

"I just don't get it," Meredith continued. "I didn't realize he'd be such a baby about this. He's the one that can't seem to handle working together. I'm fine with it."

Cristina pulled her scrub top off as soon as they reached their lockers. "Do you think he's doing this to badger you into going to the chief?" she asked.

Meredith frowned as she considered the possibility. "I don't think so," she replied. "He seemed fine until we were talking after surgery."

"What were you talking about right before his tantrum?" Cristina eased out of her pants and pulled on a pair of tight fitting jeans.

"My mom." Meredith pulled out a hairbrush and began pulling it through her hair. "He wants to meet her."

"And you said no, I hope?" Cristina asked.

Meredith nodded.

"Well, that's probably it. His big neurosurgeon ego is feeling bruised and rejected," Cristina advised. "Just talk to him, and he'll probably get over it."

"I hope so," Meredith answered. She pulled out her clothes to change so she could join her friends at Joe's. There was no telling how many tequila shots it would take to get her out of this mood.

Cristina wandered over to the sink while Meredith finished dressing. She hadn't talked to Derek about her plans yet, and she knew that he could be looking for her soon given their earlier plans to have him spend the night. She wasn't sure if it was a good idea, but she didn't know a way around it until his car arrived.

"Are you ready to go?" Cristina asked as she finished packing up her things and closed her locker.

"Almost," Meredith answered. "I'll just meet you over there, I think."

"Don't take too long," Cristina said. "We're not going to wait for you to get there before we start drinking."

Meredith smiled. She never expected them to.

The hospital corridors were slowing down as she walked down to the front lobby. Visiting hours were over and much of the hospital staff had left. Derek sat hunched in a chair, not even noticing as Meredith approached.

"I wasn't sure you'd be here," she said as she took the seat beside him.

Derek looked at her, and a feeble smile flickered on his face. "Why wouldn't I be?"

Meredith shrugged. "I just thought with the argument…I thought you might've taken a cab or left on your own."

Derek shook his head. "No, I wouldn't do that," he said. "Just because I get upset doesn't mean that I don't want to see or talk to you."

The way he looked at her made her feel like she had five heads—she felt ridiculous for suggesting it.

She folded her hands in her lap and began fidgeting with them. "Are you still mad at me?" she asked softly.

Derek let out a sigh. "No, I'm not mad," he said. "I'm mostly just frustrated that I don't know how to act around you here. You said it would be an issue, and I'm trying not to let it be, but…"

"But outside the hospital, we're in love with each other, and that doesn't come with an on-off switch," Meredith finished. It was her olive branch to atone for her earlier comment.

Derek reached for her hand and then caught himself. He clasped his hands together and rested them on his knee. "Yeah, exactly," he said sheepishly.

"We'll figure this out," Meredith said. She stood up and adjusted her bag over her shoulder. "Look, I'm supposed to meet my friends for a drink at Joe's tonight. Do you mind if I go there before we go home?"

Derek leveraged himself up from his chair. He looked tired and drained, making Meredith feel guilty for even asking, but he nodded his agreement and started walking toward the door. "I could go for a drink, myself," he said.

"Good," Meredith said. "I promise I won't be long with them. You're sure you don't mind?"

Derek hesitated in front of the sliding entrance doors. "You don't want us to hang out at Joe's together, do you?" He seemed to be piecing together the hidden message in her question.

Meredith shrugged. "There are so many people from the hospital there," she explained.

Derek slid his hands into his pockets and walked toward the Emerald City Bar with her. "It's fine, Meredith," he said. "I can wait."

The parking lot was empty and there weren't any familiar faces walking toward the bar. Meredith linked her arm through Derek's and hugged him quickly before letting go. "Thanks," she said.

The bar was crowded as they walked inside at a carefully choreographed distance from one another. Derek walked over to the corner of the bar, alone, while Meredith joined her friends at the other side.

"She made it!" Alex yelled loud enough for George and Cristina to hear from their dart game. They waved and returned to their intense competition.

Izzie pulled out the stool beside her to invite Meredith to sit down. "Where's Dr. Shep—" She surveyed the crowd and soon noticed Derek on the other side of the bar. "Oh."

Meredith shrugged helplessly as she hung her coat on the back of the chair. "His car arrives tomorrow, and he's staying with me tonight," she explained.

"And you won't even let him sit with you?" Izzie interrogated. "That's harsh."

Meredith motioned Joe over and ordered herself a couple tequila shots. "We don't want people to find out about us yet," she said as Joe poured the shots in front of us.

"Joe," Izzie said, "do you see that hot doctor over in the corner there?"

Joe nodded. "You mean the one that Meredith was in here with a couple weeks ago?"

Meredith blushed as Izzie's eyes bulged out of her head. "Yes, that one," Izzie said slowly. "Do you think he looks a little lonely?"

"I do," Joe agreed.

"You're not making me feel better," Meredith said. She tipped back her first shot of tequila and slammed the glass on the counter.

"If this were any other new attending, you'd talk to him," Izzie said. "The fact that you're _not_ talking to him—that's suspicious."

"I'll go talk to him," Alex said. He grabbed his beer bottle and navigated to the empty seat beside Derek.

"So, if you think I should spend time with him, why'd you make that comment this morning?" Meredith asked.

Izzie sighed. "It wasn't so much about Derek as it was about you doing another neuro case. I have to hate you a little for always knowing the answers every freaking time."

"That's it? It's not a Derek thing?" Meredith rolled her empty shot glass between her palms as she thought about the next one.

"No," Izzie said. "You deserved that case today. I don't have anything against Dr. Shepherd as long as you're not getting special treatment. I mean, lunch with the Chief is a bit over the top, but it'd be weird if you never worked on his surgeries."

Meredith watched across the bar as Alex tried to strike up a conversation with Derek. They seemed to be laughing and at ease, but every once in a while Derek would glance back at Meredith.

"I'm being too hard on him, aren't I?" Meredith mused.

"Maybe," Izzie agreed as she took a long drink from her own beer bottle. "I mean, he is new to town. It's not like he has lots of other people to talk to."

Meredith swallowed her second tequila shot, savoring the burning sensation on her throat and the different perspective it facilitated. "I'm going to talk to him," she said as she pushed away from the bar.

The hopeless romantic in Izzie shined through her smile. "Good idea," she said.

Meredith slung her bag over her shoulder and draped her coat over her arm as she walked toward Derek and Alex. Alex noticed her first, and he abruptly ended the conversation to make room for Meredith.

"Hi," Meredith said as she took the seat Alex vacated.

Derek swirled his glass of scotch. "Hi," he answered shyly.

Joe caught her eye and smiled, encouraging her all the more.

"I couldn't help but notice you sitting over here, and I thought you could use some company," she said. She felt far more awkward than she normally did picking up guys in bars, maybe because the stakes felt so much higher with Derek.

"I could," he said. His blue eyes sparkled. "Can I buy you a drink?"

Meredith smiled back at him. "Sure. Tequila."

Derek signaled to Joe before turning back to Meredith. "Your friends are watching us," he said. "You know you don't have to—"

"I do," she said, cutting him off. "You've done nothing wrong, and I have no reason to avoid you. Besides, I earned this drink for my hard work as your intern today." She wrinkled her nose playfully and patted his hand, letting it rest there a little longer than she'd intended.

"Indeed," he said. "You've earned a drink." He sipped his scotch and continued watching her. He seemed nervous—as if she might flee the scene at any moment.

Meredith took a deep breath, building up her courage. "Derek, I know I'm bad at this. I've never had a relationship like this, and that's not something I can fix. But I'm trying. I'm learning."

"I know," Derek said. Any anger or tension between them seemed to evaporate as he spoke. "I appreciate that."

"I'm not ready to go to the Chief yet, and I want our relationship to look professional in the hospital," she said, "but beyond that…" She shrugged innocently, hoping he'd understand.

"Beyond that?" he pressed.

"I like being with you," she said. "That's not a location dependent feeling."

The adoring look that made her melt washed over him. "You're okay with us hanging out here together?"

"Maybe we could even have lunch together every once in a while," she conceded. She wanted to kiss him, but she knew that would be going too far given their current audience. Instead, she leaned into his shoulder playfully.

"I'd like that," he answered, leaning back. "I'd like that a lot."

The tension from the day lifted as they reached their new understanding. It wouldn't solve all of their problems, but it lightened things enough that conversation flowed easily between them again. They talked and laughed long after Meredith's friends went home for the night, and when Derek paid their tab and escorted her out the door, she only waited until they were a few steps away from the bar before interlacing her hand with his and letting him drive her home.


	18. Chapter 18

**Author's Note: So, you might not believe this, but I've actually written the first draft of all remaining chapters for this story. Yes, it's coming to an end soon. Only a couple chapters left after this one, but I can't wait for you to read them. Hopefully you'll like where this is going and where it ends up. It may not be as all-consumingly awesome as the "Elevator Love Letter" (which I am still squee-ing about—you'd think Derek proposed to me!! Ha!), but there are still a few twists and turns left. Plus, just think, once I finish this up, I can embark on a whole new fic! **

The shades of the on-call room did a poor job filtering out late afternoon light. Narrow, horizontal stripes slipped through, painting Derek's skin an alternating pattern of dark shadows and golden tan that Meredith traced with her fingertips. She'd switched to the pill weeks ago, and now they scheduled daytime encounters the way some doctors scheduled lunch or coffee breaks. They were always careful about how they were seen together, but once the door locked behind them, all pretenses were lost.

"Are you tired?" Derek asked. He pulled several stray wisps of her hair off her neck to expose her shoulder to his soft lips and warm tongue while she basked in the afterglow of the latest round of lovemaking, sated.

Meredith smiled. "No, not tired. Lazy, maybe. Content to stay here with you, definitely." She fanned her fingers across his chest, letting his threads of hair tease the palm of her hand.

Derek drew her closer, and his arms curled around her torso in a tight hug. "Do you have any vacation time coming up?" he asked.

"Not until after my exams," she said. "Why?" She rested her head against his shoulder, inhaling what remained of the woodsy scent of his aftershave.

"I was thinking it would be nice to get away together for a few days," he said. He sounded wistful, and his grip on her eased.

Meredith repositioned herself on top of him and gazed at his face. Dark circles hung beneath his eyes, and it seemed like the gray hair over his temples had spread from isolated strands into tufts. _Stress._ She reached out and ran her fingers through his hair as she mulled over his suggestion like she was tasting wine samples and deciding what to order. It had taken a while for them to settle into the conflicting roles of intern and attending, but she'd been warming up to the idea of taking more risks with their relationship inside the hospital. The growing depth of her feelings for him emboldened her, but it would be nice to have a few days to themselves without conflicting schedules or excessive scrutiny.

"You don't think it will look suspicious if we put in for the same vacation time?" Meredith said. Her fantasy of days alone with him began drifting out of reach as she considered the practicality of going away together.

Derek shrugged. "I'm not sure I care so much about that."

"And then we could both come back with a tan, and people could really talk," Meredith teased. Her fingers grazed the faint hints of stubble along his jaw.

"If I got a few days away with you," he said as his hands ran along her spine, "I don't think we'd be spending much time outdoors."

Meredith kissed him, imagining their afternoon lovemaking relocated to a four-star resort with a king size bed rather than the twin bunk of an on-call room. "Days of uninterrupted time together?" she said. Her hair fell forward over her shoulder again and tickled the side of his face as she hovered over him. "You can be very persuasive, Dr. Shepherd."

She interrupted the smile spreading across his lips with another kiss.

"So you'll think about it?" he asked as she pulled away.

"After my exams, sure," she agreed. "I could probably sneak away with you."

Even though Derek continued smiling, the corners of his eyes sank with disappointment. "You know, I was hoping by then we wouldn't be sneaking so much."

"Ah," Meredith grumbled. "I knew this would be coming up again sooner or later." She crawled off of Derek and began searching the floor for her clothes.

"I haven't said anything about talking to Richard for over a month now," Derek argued. "And your intern exam is still another a month away."

"And it's stressful enough without the added drama," Meredith said.

Derek sighed. "I know. Just…" He leaned forward and kissed her back as she sat on the edge of the bed. "Think about it. That's as good a time as any, and I don't think we should keep putting this off."

He sounded so reasonable sometimes that she almost couldn't stand it. She knew she'd been testing his limits by avoiding this subject for as long as possible, but she'd never be the one to bring it up – to Derek, to the Chief, to anyone.

"Fine," she conceded. "I'll think about it." She hunched forward and stared at the pile of clothing they'd strewn across the room less than an hour before. It was hard to imagine that their situation would improve if they were exposed to their colleagues, but there were many ways she could imagine it getting worse.

Derek hovered over her shoulder and tilted his head against hers, following her line of sight. "You can't be mad that I want to be with you," he said.

Meredith leaned back against him, allowing his bare skin to scorch her back all over again. "I'm not mad," she said. Air gushed from her lungs in reluctant sigh. "But I'm satisfied with how things are. You're not. I don't want to argue about this."

"I don't either," he said. He kissed her shoulder one last time before sliding off the bed and standing up. "But you'll think about it?"

Meredith nodded. "Let me take my intern exams. Then I'll think about it."

They dressed in silence, sorting through the mess of his dark blue scrubs and her lighter colored ones. She untangled the sleeves of her lab coat that he'd turned inside-out moments earlier, and she adjusted her ponytail before giving him a final lingering kiss. Her hands slid along the lapels on his lab coat, straightening the collar that stood up behind his neck while she managed to get one last fix of him. Saying goodbye was always the hardest part about these secret rendezvous, but she always managed to pull herself away and slip out the door.

Unless one of them was paged, they timed it so she left the room first, and he would follow no less than two to three minutes later. As usual, Meredith was certain she went unnoticed as she walked down the hall toward the elevator. She was running behind on her plans to check on a patient who'd had an appendectomy that morning, and then she'd promised to meet her friends in the basement for an afternoon study session. The residents were already easing up on the interns' schedules, freeing them to study far more often as the exams approached. Soon, her study regiment would require her to give up meeting Derek for anything other than flashcard drills or pop quizzes. She was so busy lamenting that prospect that she didn't notice Bailey standing at the nurse's station watching her.

"Good nap, Grey?" Bailey asked. She cradled the red station phone on her shoulder and punched digits with her index finger.

Meredith stopped and glanced back at the on-call room. "Oh, yeah," she stammered. "I worked late last night, and I think I'm coming down with something, so I was just grabbing a quick nap. I wasn't paged or anything, though."

"I know," Bailey said. "It's fine. Take something for your symptoms. You can't get sick before your exams." She hung up the phone and leaned into the counter. Exhaustion seemed to weigh on her as well.

"Everything okay?" Meredith asked. She hoped the conversation could distract Bailey from peering back down the hall at the on-call room.

"Just trying to track down Shepherd," she answered. She craned around Meredith's slender body just in time to see Derek walk out of the same on-call room, his pager in hand. He paused outside the doorway and glanced down at the gadget just before looking up and seeing both Miranda and Meredith stare back at him.

Miranda's eyes narrowed as she looked between Derek and Meredith, and Meredith was certain she felt her stomach turn inside out, spilling acid onto all her other internal organs. They'd left the same on-call room, and there was no question that Bailey had noticed.

Meredith pockets had been filled with boulders as she stood beside Bailey, but Derek strolled down the hall with carefree confidence and a self-assured smile. If he recognized that they'd been caught, he didn't confirm it in the slightest.

"You paged me?" Derek asked Bailey once he got a few feet away. Meredith detected a flash of concern behind his eyes, but he kept his focus on the petite resident before him.

"There's a case coming in that needs a neuro consult. I thought you could help, unless, of course, you're too busy." She looked back and forth between Meredith and Derek to emphasize the innuendo.

"Not at all, Dr. Bailey," Derek answered. He didn't budge in giving her a hint of confirmation. "Are you going, too, Dr. Grey?"

Bailey shook her head as if she were stifling unwanted thoughts and mumbled something under her breath. _You'd like that,_ maybe? "Grey, you can come, too," she said through clenched teeth. "We'll need an intern. Ambulance will be here in less than ten." Bailey didn't wait for them to join her as she set off toward the downstairs ambulance bay.

Meredith groaned and crumpled against the counter. "She knows. She saw. She knows."

"What did she see?" Derek asked. He seemed less convinced, but it could've been an act to reassure Meredith.

"Us. Walking out of the same on-call room. Seconds apart." Meredith tried to inhale, but her lungs felt tight and full. "Derek, she knows."

He let out a measured sigh. "Should I talk to her?"

"No!" she blurted. "Definitely, no. Don't bring it up." She wondered if he was relieved to have their relationship exposed.

Derek glanced down at his watch. They needed to start heading for the ambulance bay. "What if she brings it up? What do you want me to say?"

Meredith moved toward the stairwell, springing into motion like a sprinter after the starting gun. His voice was almost drowned out by the sound of her heart drumming in her chest and pulsing to her ears. "I don't care," she called back, not waiting for him. "Lie if you have to. She can't know. Of all the people in this hospital, she can't know."

Derek groaned in disgust as he jogged to catch up to Meredith.

Once they hit the stairs, he began to catch up. "Do you think she'll bring it up?" he asked.

"To you? No, not to you," Meredith answered in short spurts as she bounced from step to step. "To me? I don't even want to think about what she'll do to me."

"She won't go after you," Derek reassured. As soon as his feet hit the landing, he ran ahead and cut off her path down the next flight of stairs. "I'm the attending that took advantage. You're an intern. You didn't know any better."

Meredith's eyebrow lifted, and she rolled her eyes. "That's the story you want to go with? I was the naïve intern you lured to worship you?"

"Worship? That might be a little strong. Seduce, maybe. Repeatedly," he said with just a hint of seriousness. "But, your words…"

"We need to go." Meredith elbowed him in the arm as she scooted past and continued toward the ambulance bay. "And she won't buy it."

"You're not going to get in trouble for this," he said. "This'll be on me."

Meredith suppressed the frustrated laugh that was welling up below the surface. He still didn't understand the complexities of her situation. He didn't have the history with Bailey or the Chief or her fellow interns to contend with. He wasn't the one suffocating under the pressure of being Ellis Grey's daughter and the additional requirements to prove herself so that people wouldn't think that she entered the program by name alone. She loved him, but he couldn't appreciate the challenges she faced as someone starting a career in medicine when his own was well established.

Meredith reached the ground level floor and sprinted toward Bailey in anticipation for the ambulance's arrival. At the very least, a little distance from Derek could help hide the fact that they'd been conspiring on a cover story, although she knew he'd arrive seconds later.

"Here they come," Bailey said as the sound of sirens rang out in the distance."Let's move, Grey." If she was angry at Meredith and Derek, it was overshadowed by her intense concentration.

As the ambulance turned into the narrow concrete path toward the hospital, the sirens shrieked and echoed at decibels that made Meredith wince. It was impossible to imagine anyone resting or recovering from illness amidst all the noise, and while she normally liked the maddening rush of preparing to greet paramedics, she found herself consumed by jitters. Derek caught up and frowned as he noticed her reaction, but there was nothing he could do to comfort her in Bailey's presence. She hated feeling so self-conscious, and she worried it would damage her performance at a time when Bailey's scrutiny would be highest.

This was the reason she should've walked away when it was still possible. These were the problems with an intern dating an attending.

The ambulance door flew open and the wheels of the gurney squeaked down the ramp toward the double doors of the hospital. It took Meredith a moment to refocus on the scene before her and not watch for signs of awkwardness between Bailey and Derek, but as the paramedics began spewing stats, her purpose in the ambulance bay snapped back into place like a ripcord. She ran up to the foot of the gurney to help steer.

"BP is 180 over 100. Pulse 120. Patient had a seizure and—"

"Get me out of here!" cried a frenzied, familiar voice. "You don't know what you're doing!"

Meredith didn't need to look at the restrained patient on the gurney to know who it was. Her legs wobbled beneath her, and she stumbled back for the door, desperate for something to hold onto.

Derek did a double take at Meredith's reaction just as he reached the side of the gurney and began navigating it toward the door where Meredith stood. "It's okay," he said, turning back to the patient. "We're going to help you, but you need to calm—"

"Imbeciles!" The patient continued shrieking.

"She has advanced Alzheimer's," the paramedic added. "Highly agitated and disoriented. Receiving care at Roseridge." The words blurred together in a frenetic ramble.

"Patient's name?" Derek asked as Miranda intercepted the chart from the second paramedic.

"Grey," Bailey read. Her eyes widened. "Ellis Grey."

Tears flooded Meredith's eyes and her lip quivered in fear as Derek and Bailey both turned toward her. She felt her lungs expand with air. She blinked. Once. Twice. A tear trickled down her cheek and pooled along her jaw, hanging there like a raindrop unwilling to make a final plunge. The world moved in slow motion.

"Meredith," Derek yelled, trying to get her attention, but his voice sounded garbled. She was listening under water while he stood on dry land. She couldn't tell if he was asking her a question, beckoning her to follow, or calling out in concern.

The gurney blurred past, but his face remained in focus even as he moved. Meredith saw the look of shock, hurt, and fear replace his usual confidence, and his eyes appeared so dark they were almost black.

She closed her eyes again, scared to watch the horrific scene unfolding before her. Her chest burned. The taste of bile grew heavy in her throat. She pulled in more oxygen, but it felt like she was inhaling through a straw and the air wasn't coming fast enough.

"Meredith!" he yelled more urgently. They were already rounding the corner toward Trauma 1.

Meredith's eyes met his one last time, and then, with the adrenaline burst and muscle memory of an Olympic gold medalist, she ran away.


	19. Chapter 19

**Author's Note: I'm posting this chapter un-beta'd, so any mistakes are entirely my fault. If there's anything particularly irksome (or pleasant) for you, please let me know because I haven't really had any feedback on this chapter. I'm sorry this has taken so long to post – I was trying to hold out for the beta, but our schedules just weren't jiving this time, and I felt bad making you wait any longer. The good news, however, is that I'm mostly done with the chapter that follows this, and I suspect that it can be posted within a week (maybe…hopefully!). Thanks for your tremendous patience on this. Truly. You guys are fabulous, and that's what keeps me coming back to the fanfic world. **

Meredith hugged her knees to her chest and rocked back and forth on the cold tile floor of the supply closet. Her pager had been vibrating off and on for almost an hour, but she ignored it. She was certain Derek was seeking more information about her mother even though Roseridge had accurate and complete medical records on her. Or maybe it was Bailey wanting to know why she'd fled the scene. Or better still, it could've been the Chief summoning her for answers to any one of a series of questions.

_How long have you been keeping this secret about your mother?_

_How long have you been hiding your relationship with Derek?_

_What else are you hiding?_

She had no interest in dealing with whoever was paging her today. Nothing good could come out of leaving the supply closet and facing the reality she'd created for herself.

A steady trail of activity cut through the light that streamed through the base of the door. Gurneys rolled by while doctors, nurses, and visitors chattered. Some people sprinted—probably code teams, others strolled. Machines hummed like a symphony of buzzes and beeps. Today, it wasn't the kind of music she was fond of. It was more the variety of a haunted house or a scary movie. Bach, maybe. Toccata and Fugue.

She sucked in her breath every time a pair of shoes hovered outside the door. It was only a matter of time before somebody found her. There weren't that many places to hide in the hospital without getting stumbled upon eventually.

Meredith ran her fingers along the hem of her scrub pants, bunching the material in her fingers until it nearly cut off the circulation at her ankle. Her eyes were hot coals burning against her eyelids.

It was over. It was all over. The secret was out. Her mother had Alzheimer's, and Derek (if he'd even stick with her now) was going to have to clean up the mess. She recounted the myriad opportunities she'd had to tell him the truth and cursed herself for procrastinating. She'd been so angry when she'd learned about Addison. It had been such an important part of his life to cordon off and keep from her, and here she was doing the exact same thing about her mother.

The pager resumed its irritating hiss against her hip, and without taking even a moment to ponder the consequences, Meredith slammed it on the tile floor over and over again until it was a pile of broken plastic and mangled metallic bits.

"That's one way to answer it," Bailey said as Meredith bashed the pager one last time. The intimidating resident hovered in the doorway, flooding the room with light from the corridor that cast Meredith in an uncomfortable spotlight.

Meredith ran the back of her hand against her eyelids, rubbing out the remnants of tears and hoping to dull the puffy redness.

"I've been paging you for a while now," Bailey said. She closed the door and flipped on the dull overhead light that barely illuminated the closet. She surveyed the broken remnants of the pager, and leaned against a shelving unit, visibly exhausted. "We had to sedate your mom to get her heart rate down. Shepherd is running some tests now."

Meredith nodded and stared at the floor. Her teeth dragged against her lower lip, chewing at it until she could faintly taste the metallic flavor of blood inside her mouth.

"What's this all about?" Bailey asked. She sounded more concerned than accusatory.

Meredith looked up. She couldn't decide how to respond. Was this a question about her mom? Her behavior? The on-call room rendezvous Bailey had witnessed an hour ago?

"Nothing," Meredith mumbled. "I'm fine."

"Right," Bailey said sarcastically. "You and Shepherd both."

Meredith felt the color drain from her cheeks. "What do you mean?"

Bailey let out a frustrated sigh. "Look, I don't know what's going on between the two of you, nor do I want to know," she said, "but he's been rattled ever since you took off. He needs to be worried about your mother now, not caught up in intern drama."

"It's complicated." The syllables came out in slow motion, as if her tongue couldn't receive the message from her brain fast enough.

"I'm sure it is," Bailey said. "But you, in here, hiding in a supply closet with a busted up pager, does nothing to un-complicate things."

Bailey crossed her arms over her chest and waited for Meredith to respond. When it came to a battle of wills on this issue, Meredith had no doubt that she could be more stubborn than her resident.

"You're off duty the rest of the day. You should be there when your mom returns to her room," Bailey said.

Meredith nodded but made no move to get up. She bristled as the door slammed shut behind Bailey.

A headache throbbed against Meredith's temples, grinding them like a mortar and pestle. She slid two fingers against the sides of her head, massaging the impending migraine away as she considered her defense.

She'd never meant to lie to him.

Her mother had asked her to keep it a secret from everyone.

She was damaged and not quite ready to trust him.

None of the explanations seemed to inspire the confidence she'd want in a person that could be operating on her mother.

Moments ticked by, and Meredith's heart rate hammered upward. She hated confrontations. She did everything possible to avoid them, and now she was hiding in a supply closet anticipating one that threatened cataclysmic proportions. She buried her head between her hands and sighed.

The room filled with light again, but this time, Derek slipped through the door and promptly shut it as if looking for his own place to hide. He seemed relieved to see her, but there was no mistaking the concern that formed a crease between his eyebrows, or the way his chest heaved as if he'd ran a marathon to get there.

Meredith swallowed hard. This was her mess. Her mom. Her lies.

Derek broke the silence as he cleared his throat. "Bailey muttered something about interns and supply closets, so I…" He kept his distance and continued to lean against the door. "Are you okay?"

Meredith released a small, bitter laugh. "I'm fine," she mumbled.

Derek looked down at the floor as if she'd just admonished him. He pursed his lips together, and deep frown lines gathered across his forehead. He shoved his hands into the pockets of his lab coat and hovered, shifting his weight from side to side.

Her fists clenched for battle as she planned her defense, unfeeling of the sensation of her nails digging deep grooves into the palm of her hand. She tried to imagine his first line of attack. _How could you keep this from me? I thought you loved me. Why don't you trust me?_ There were so many possible accusations that would reverse the roles from their fight about Addison and turn him into a giant hypocrite.

He took a deep breath, and she prepared to be scolded, but instead, his words came out soft and almost clinically cold. "I sent your mom for an MRI."

She closed her eyes and seethed. He hadn't come here to discuss her mother's medical condition. He didn't want to update her on the case or discuss treatment options any more than she did. He was looking for answers, maybe even apologies, and here he was, prolonging the fight that would trigger their breakup. It had been coming for weeks, and probably should have happened after he lied to her about Addison.

"You know what?" Meredith's hands dropped to the floor so she could leverage herself back to her feet. "Just stop. We're not doing this—this thing. You didn't come in here to update me on my mom." Her jaw clenched, and her eyes narrowed into a glare. Everything else could fall apart, but in this moment, she wouldn't. She reached deep for the anger she'd felt when she'd learned about Addison and drew it back to the surface. It would anchor her through the storm.

Derek flinched and ran his fingers through his dark hair, pausing to scratch above his ear as he thought. Anger began to swirl beneath his irises. "Fine," he said with punctuated bitterness. "What else have you lied about?"

Meredith huffed. "You do not get to be all moral high horse about lying. It's not like I kept a wife from you—"

"Oh, so we're back to that again," Derek said. He kicked a thick piece of her pager across the floor, watching it ricochet against the wall and slide beneath a shelving unit. "This is somehow _my_ fault?"

"I was going to tell you eventually. I just didn't get a chance," Meredith argued.

"Hmm. Do you think that would have been before or after we talked to Richard?" Derek shot back. He folded his arms across his chest and glared. "Just so we can be clear."

Meredith's hands curled into fists beside her hips, and it took all of her self control not to punch him. A frustrated groan ground against her vocal cords, fighting not to be stifled. _How could he be so smug?_

Derek sighed, and his shoulders dropped. "I can't…" He shook his head in defeat. "I'll give the case to Weller. I'm not…"

"What?" Meredith gasped. "Why would you possibly do that?" He was by far the most gifted neurosurgeon at Seattle Grace. If someone were to operate on her mother, it needed to be him.

"Because you need to trust the person taking care of your mother," he said. His voice was oozing with uncharacteristic self doubt and coldness, as if each word was being carefully selected and screened before passing his lips. "You don't trust me."

Meredith blinked. What was he looking for? An affirmation of trust? An ego boost that he was the only person to handle the case? Her consent to pass it on? "You don't have to do this," she said. She could feel her voice cracking along with her armor.

"I do. It's a conflict of interest anyway," he said, "not that anyone would know that but you."

The words dealt a final blow to her ongoing façade of being able to handle the situation. She was anything but fine with her mother in the hospital, her relationship unraveling, and Bailey acting suspicious. Any one of those events would have been enough to set Meredith Grey unraveling like a ball of string; taken together, all tethers to sanity had been stripped bare.

"Please don't do this." Her voice teetered toward begging, and she hated herself for it. She hadn't wanted to be so weak. "I need…"

Derek's eyebrows lifted, anticipating her conclusion to the sentence.

Meredith cleared her throat, forcing her insecurities and doubt back into the teeny-tiny hole she buried them in. "What's wrong with her—with my mother? What would you be passing on to Weller?" She slumped back down to the floor. Her hands folded together in her lap, and she let them dangle between her knees as she stared at his tennis shoes.

Derek let out a labored sigh. "She's had two seizures—one at the home and one after she got here. She has some markers for an ischemic stroke, but it could just be a TIA," Derek said.

"Transient ischemic attack," Meredith recalled. "Or a stroke?" She couldn't bring herself to look at him. If he showed any fears or doubts, and she suspected he would, they would be contagious. She wasn't prepared for any more bad news yet.

Derek squatted beside Meredith, sinking lower until he was sitting on the floor beside her. "I'll know more when I get the test results back, but she may need surgery to remove any blockages," he said. His voice was calm and soothing, no longer harboring the hostility of seconds earlier.

"My mother needs you. You need to be the one to take care of her, not Weller," she whispered. She glanced up at him with glassy eyes that pooled with tears and was surprised to find him looking just as devastated. "I've never asked you for anything like this, and I'll never ask you for anything again. I get that you're mad at me, and I probably deserve it, but please, Derek. This is my mom." Meredith swallowed hard, and it felt like a grapefruit was being pushed through her esophagus. "I know I should've told you—I get that you're hurt, and I wouldn't blame you if you never spoke to me again after this, but you need to help take care of her. She needs you to…to…" Air fled her lungs far too quickly as she spoke, and she found herself gasping for breath, almost hyperventilating.

"It's okay," he said in resignation. He reached his arm around her and flattened his palm against the wide plane of her back, brushing it in long, soothing strokes. "It's okay."

Meredith curled into his shoulder and buried her head against his neck as she fought to regain control of her breaths. Her hands grasped for the cotton of his lab coat, bunching it against his shoulder blades. "I'm so sorry," she sobbed. "I didn't want this. This isn't what I wanted to happen."

Derek continued to hold her, massaging her shoulders, but his touch wasn't as nurturing as it usually was. He was still tending to his own wounds. His shoulders raised and lowered dramatically, and a gust of air jettisoned past her cheek.

"I'll do it," he said, "but after this…" He shook his head. "No more secrets. I'm done."

Meredith pulled away, unsure of how to interpret his concession. She studied his face—his stony jaw and sad eyes that crinkled at the corners, and found no solace.

"I know this is a bad time to do this. I love you, and I want to be with you, but I can't. Not like this," he said. He withdrew his hand from her shoulder and interlaced his fingers together. "No more secrets."

"So, what are you saying?" It was a silly question; she already knew the answer.

Derek grunted. "Your mom has a potentially life-threatening condition, not to mention a degenerative disease, and I can't comfort you outside of a supply closet for fear of raising suspicions. You don't see the problem with that?"

"I'm fine," Meredith insisted. "Really, it's okay."

"Good for you," he said sarcastically. "Maybe _I'm_ not. What if something happens in surgery?"

"It won't. It's a simple procedure for you—"

"Meredith," he snapped. "Stop." His face grew stern, barely masking his insecurity. "It's major surgery. What if?"

Meredith gulped. He wanted to know what would happen to them if her mother died on his operating table, and she didn't have an answer for him. She couldn't fathom how hard it would be on either one of them.

Maybe Weller _should_ take the case.

"I'm just," his voice trailed off in a whisper. He was as flustered as she'd ever seen him. "I'll do all that I can for your mother, but this isn't working for me anymore. I'm done with the secrets between us and everyone else. If you want to stay together, then--"

Meredith huffed. "Then you get what you've wanted all along."

Derek rolled his eyes and groaned as he stood back up. "You think I want any of this?" Incredulity was heavy in his voice. "Do you think I want to be operating on your mom? Do you think I liked finding out that she's been in a home with Alzheimer's all these months while you were pretending she was off traveling? How about the last hour, where I was worried sick about you, and I couldn't tell anyone because of how suspicious it might look. Which part of that do you think I like? Tell me!" His voice boomed throughout the closet, rattling the shelves like the bass in a car stereo.

"So if I won't go to the Chief, you're walking away?" Meredith's legs were trembling as she struggled to stand back up and face him.

"_I'm_ not walking away from anything," he said, leaving the implication of his statement unsaid.

_You are._

Derek ran his hands through his hair again, confirming Meredith's suspicion that it was a nervous habit of his. "Look, I need to go check on her test results and set up an OR."

Meredith nodded. Numbness had overtaken her body.

Derek moved toward the door, but he seemed to be hesitating. Maybe he was waiting for her to say something to give him an indication of her decision. He glanced down at the floor as his fingers wrapped around the door handle, and then he looked back at her. "You know I'll do everything that I can for her," he said softly.

The corners of Meredith's lips curled upwards even though her heart was being ripped to shreds inside. "I know," she whispered. "I'd never expect anything less from you."

She wanted to go and wrap her arms around him and cry against his lab coat as he held her, but her feet remained firmly planted. He needed to go and be Head of Neurosurgery, and she wasn't sure what she was anymore. There was a vacancy in the place her carefree spirit had been, and her confidence in their relationship had been gutted and left for dead.

Derek nodded stoically and left her alone with her thoughts. She'd never expected everything to unravel like this, and as she considered the possibilities of life without her mother or Derek or the respect of other surgeons, she knew there weren't any easy solutions. The prospect of losing Derek made her stomach lurch and her chest tense up, but her career was every bit as important to her. She'd been working toward this for years, and she'd only known him for a short time in comparison.

It wasn't a decision she could make now. She'd have to learn to deal with the persistent nausea that came with her uncertainty.

She took one last deep breath of the stale supply closet air and set off to find her mother's room. She couldn't commit to Derek, but she wouldn't continue to hide from him either. If he was going to take care of her mother, she would be there for them both. She needed to be there when he outlined his plans for surgery, and she had to see that her mother was getting everything she needed, including a confident surgeon. It might not be enough, but it was all Meredith could manage as she prepared herself for the coming hours of waiting and wondering about what the future held for all of them.


	20. Chapter 20

**Author's Note: So, remember when I said I was going to post this chapter soon? Well, that obviously didn't work out so well because this chapter ended up needing multiple rewrites and life kinda got in the way of that. The last couple months have been some of the busiest I've ever endured, but the good news is that I'm done with all that was keeping me busy. All of it. And I come bearing gifts of a final chapter. So yay! I hope you enjoy this. I haven't decided what my next project (besides responding to feedback) will be yet, but there will very likely be another project coming. Happy reading!**

Meredith sat on an empty gurney in the hallway near the surgical wing, oblivious to the whir of activity going on around her. The test results had confirmed the blockages Derek had been concerned about, and her mother was being prepped for cerebral angioplasty.

"Shepherd requested me. Shocker, there," Cristina interrupted as she sat on the gurney beside Meredith. Her hair was drawn up into her scrub cap, making her sarcastic expression look more severe than normal.

Meredith snapped back into reality. "What?"

"I get to scrub in on your mom," Cristina said. She locked her elbows and pushed her shoulders up as her legs dangled off the side of the mattress.

"Oh," Meredith said. It wasn't too surprising. Derek needed an intern, and he knew that Meredith would be comforted to have her best friend watching over him, protecting her mother. "Good," she whispered.

"I really can't imagine what it must have been like for someone like your mother to get early onset Alzheimer's," Cristina said.

Meredith sucked her lips between her teeth and nodded. Ellis had barely talked to her when she'd received the diagnosis and had waited to share the details until the disease progressed to the point of making it necessary.

"It would suck for anyone, but…Ellis Grey—had to be devastating," Cristina continued.

Meredith's eyebrows lifted. "Are you upset that I didn't tell you about it?" she asked. She didn't think she could handle another argument over things she should've said but never had.

Cristina scrunched her face and shook her head no. "Why would I be upset? It's _your_ mom," she answered.

Meredith sighed with relief. "You're not angry to find out this way?"

Cristina laughed. "No," she said. "Of course not. I don't need to know all your deep, dark secrets."

A weak smile crept across Meredith's face. This was why Cristina was her confidante. "He's mad I didn't tell him," she said. Tears crowded the lower lids of her eyes all over again, and she tried to force them away by making her smile bigger. "I think we're done."

Cristina's jaw dropped, and her eyebrows got lost somewhere beneath her scrub cap. "He's gonna dump you for this after he hid his wife?"

Meredith shrugged. That wasn't exactly the way the conversation had gone down, but she wasn't sure that Cristina would understand the layers of guilt and conflict this issue raised with Derek. "Not exactly, but…" She wrung her hands together. "It's fine. He's going to do the surgery, and that's all that matters."

Cristina's face twisted into an expression that said, "yeah, whatever." She scooted off the gurney and reached her arms over her head into a long stretch. "I need to finish prepping her, so…"

"Yeah, you should go," Meredith said.

"She'll be okay, you know," Cristina stated. It wasn't even a question in her mind or her voice.

"I know," Meredith said. "Thanks."

Meredith watched Cristina walk down the hall with the same confidence and determination she always shouldered. She envied that about Cristina. No matter what the challenge or circumstance, Dr. Yang would kick its freaking ass. Meredith, however, sometimes left herself open to be on the receiving end of the ass kicking.

Distractions. It was going to take a while to operate, and she needed something to occupy her mind in the interim—something besides Derek and the surgery and his ultimatum. She'd already been taken off duty for the day, and although she was still in her scrubs, the fear of getting caught by Bailey served as enough of a deterrent from even venturing to the pit. The cafeteria was another option, but the snakes writhing through her gut left no room for food. She could change her clothes, maybe grab a textbook, and curl up in some corner to study. If the corner happened to be in the gallery of the OR her mom was in, so be it.

Her body transitioned into autopilot as she navigated the halls of Seattle Grace. She wondered how similar the halls had looked when her mother had roamed them so many years ago. Ellis had probably known every nook and cranny of the hospital by the end of her intern year. She'd probably specialized in key details like what halls to avoid when in a hurry or what wings were best to slip away to when she needed space. If Ellis had been honest in her confession about having an affair here, she would've known a lot about the on-call rooms, too.

Meredith shuddered. She hadn't wanted to know that detail about her mother, yet somehow, she found it comforting. Part of her had always wondered if she'd been a catalyst for her parents' divorce, and now, at least, she had a plausible alternate explanation.

As she finished changing into street clothes, she wished she'd never taken an interest in neurosurgery. If she'd never done that, she never would have sought him out in the neurology discussion group. He could've ended up in Seattle anyway, but at least then, there wouldn't have been this history between them. If their paths had crossed and they'd found themselves interested in each other, it would've been far less complicated. Far, far less complicated than a situation with mommies and ex-wives and secret rendezvous and ultimatums.

Meredith sauntered back to the OR gallery and was surprised to see Izzie and Alex already huddled in a corner to watch the procedure. An area of snacks and textbooks were spread out on the ledge in front of the window, creating a mini-buffet as they chatted on, unaware of Meredith.

"News travels fast," Meredith said as she walked down the steps to the front row toward them.

Izzie jumped, startled. "Oh my god, Meredith," she said. "Are you okay?"

Meredith huffed as she took a seat beside Alex. "Yeah, I'm fine." It was her stock answer for everything.

"Shepherd's doing the surgery?" Alex prodded. It wasn't a real question; Derek's name was clearly written on the OR board outside.

"He is," Meredith said numbly.

"Is he okay with it given, you know, everything?" Izzie asked.

Meredith shrugged. "Not exactly." She hugged her textbook against her chest. "I have a choice."

"A choice?" Izzie echoed.

"After the surgery, we're either breaking up or going to the Chief," Meredith said.

Alex crinkled his nose and shook his head. "That's rough," he said.

Izzie cast him a disbelieving glare before resuming her efforts to support Meredith. "I'm sure the Chief will be completely understanding—"

"I don't know. I haven't decided if that's what I'm going to do yet." As soon as the words left her lips, she found herself on the receiving end of Izzie's disapproval.

"How can you still be thinking about this?"

"How can she _not_?" Alex responded.

The three sat in silence and watched as the anesthesiologist below monitored Ellis and waited for the thiopental to take full effect so Derek could begin. Ellis was barely recognizable beneath the maze of sheets and wires and endotracheal tubes. Meredith preferred that; it made it easier to pretend this was a standard procedure that involved a random patient. She'd watched Derek perform several of those successfully. This would be no different.

"Let's consider your options," Izzie continued after a few minutes. "Say you stay with Dr. Shepherd. What happens?"

Meredith took in a deep breath. "Then I become the slutty intern that seduced the department head to get special treatment."

"She would probably get blacklisted from procedures," Alex added. "Everyone would talk."

Izzie shook her head disdainfully. "What if you transferred to Mercy West?"

Alex responded before Meredith even had a chance. "Mercy West? Seriously? She may as well transfer to peds or dermatology."

Meredith snickered. She felt like a cartoon character with an angelic Izzie sitting on one shoulder and a devilish Alex sitting on the other. They could just debate her life for her. "Yeah, it's really not what I had in mind," she agreed. If she stayed with Derek, she'd have to accept her fate as the spectacle to behold. A cautionary tale for all future interns to prove the policy that barred relationships between interns and attendings.

"So, you'd break up with him?" Izzie seemed mortified by the prospect, as if she was the one getting dumped.

Meredith stared down at the OR and watched Derek walk into the room. "I don't know," she mumbled.

It took him a moment to notice her in the gallery, but he froze as soon as he did. With the cover of his surgical mask and ferryboat scrub cap, the only facial feature clearly visible was his eyes, but she'd learned to read them well. An endless abyss of concern swirled with fear and sadness there, and she knew she was the source. She forced herself to smile at him and nod, encouraging him on, but she wasn't sure it was enough.

Cristina noticed Meredith's presence next, and Bailey soon followed. Bailey shook her head and stepped back from the operating table, ready to call up to the gallery and order Meredith to leave, but Derek must have mumbled something to stop her. She returned to the circle of doctors and nurses and watched Derek.

"You have to go to the Chief," Izzie said. Her voice was strong, almost angry. "You guys love each other. You have to go—"

"Izzie," Alex interjected. "It's not our decision. It's not that simple."

Izzie stood up and gathered her snacks and books, agitation evident in her sharp movements. "No, it _is_ that simple. Do you even get how lucky you are?" she said, pausing to turn toward Meredith. "You think going to the Chief is bad? Imagine spending the next several years working with Derek, knowing what you gave up."

Meredith felt nauseous. Izzie had a point. How could she scrub in on his surgeries, study his every move, and not remember how safe she'd felt when he'd held her in his arms and kissed the top of her head? Or his ability to turn everything into sexual innuendo? How could she ride another ferryboat or sleep in another on-call room without wanting to smell his aftershave on her skin? He'd shattered the fortress she'd spent years building for herself.

"It still might be better than spending the rest of her career forced into a field other than neuro because no one would trust them working together," Alex said.

Meredith was being drawn and quartered, the ropes tugging her strongly in all directions.

Izzie glared at Alex one last time before storming toward the door. "I need to study," she grumbled as she stomped past. "I hope your mom's okay," she said to Meredith.

"Thanks," Meredith whispered. She leaned back in her seat and continued to stare down at the scene below. "You think I'll have to give up neuro?" she asked softly once Izzie left the room.

Alex shrugged and folded his arms across his chest. "I don't know," he said. "Maybe." He paused for a long time and seemed to be lost in thought. "I know that your mom has been as much a curse as a blessing for you," he said. "You've had to work your ass off to prove that you got here on more than just your name. I get that. I get why this is a tough decision," he said. "And I'll support you either way."

Meredith felt the tears begin to rise and swell all over again, but she fought them back. "Thanks," she said. "I'll need it."

Alex patted her arm soothingly, as a brother would do, just as the gallery door opened again. Meredith expected to see Izzie return to make one final point, but instead, the Chief stood in the doorway.

"Meredith," he said, unable to mask his own surprise.

"I should go," Alex said. He gathered his stuff quickly and escaped like he was leaving a party moments before the police would arrive to break it up.

"Hi," she said to Richard. She shifted in her seat and opened her textbook, but she could feel the weight of his stare upon her. She looked up again and closed her book, leaving the highlighter inside to mark her place. "I know family members don't usually get to be up here," she said, "but I thought maybe—"

"Don't worry," he interrupted. He wove into the aisle of chairs and took one beside Meredith. "I'm not here to kick you out." He looked down at the OR table, and his authoritative expression began to melt away. "She has Alzheimer's?" he asked quietly, although the question seemed to echo in the now empty gallery.

"You heard about that?"

"I read her chart."

Meredith curled her fingers around the side of her textbook, trying to crush the highlighter inside. "She was diagnosed during my last year of med school. It's the reason I chose to come here, sir."

Richard nodded without tearing his eyes away from Ellis's form beneath them. "I wish you'd told me. I would've visited her had I known."

Meredith smiled. "I'm sure she would've liked that," she said. A small laugh escaped her lips. "I bet she still will."

Richard looked sheepish as he glanced back at Meredith. "Of course," he said.

Meredith took a deep breath and tried to relax. Richard seemed far more intent on watching the surgery than striking up a conversation with her, and she was grateful. Surprised, but grateful. She hadn't expected to see him in the gallery this late, and she hadn't expected him to be so concerned about Ellis's condition. She'd seen him react to surgeries on colleagues before, but this seemed to be different. It was as if he was watching over one of his own – a person he cared for and loved like Meredith did for Cristina, Izzie, Alex, and George.

Meredith ran her teeth over her lip as a thought danced through her head. He'd shared a past with her mom. Did he know about her mother's secret lover?

"So, you two started your internship together?" Meredith asked. She held her breath as she waited for the response.

Richard nodded. "We were in the same group on day one through the end. Even chose the same specialties," he said. "She was really something. Made me a better surgeon. Forced me to learn more just to keep up with her."

"You must have known her well," Meredith mused. She watched for any subtle hints in his reaction.

Richard lifted his eyebrows, but didn't stop staring at Ellis. "You could say that," he said. A nostalgic smile tugged at the corners of his mouth. "Sometimes I'd say she knew me better than I knew myself."

"You were close?" she said. Her fingers tensed around the spine of the textbook.

Richard nodded, seemingly lost in nostalgia, before his expression hardened. "It was a long time ago," he said.

Meredith was beginning to grow suspicious and her curiosity only increased. She needed some little kernel of information – a hint about the man that turned her mother into a giddy school girl when they'd talked. "My mother talks about you a lot," she lied. "She likes to live in the past these days."

Richard flinched. "Really?" he said. He was becoming visibly uncomfortable, and he shifted away from Meredith in his chair. "What does she say?"

"I know about her affair," Meredith said bluntly. She wasn't directly accusing him, but she knew she'd find the truth in his reaction. Either he'd admit to the affair, or he'd lead her in the right direction of the man it had been with.

Richard looked back toward the door of the gallery. She couldn't decide if he was surveying the room to confirm they were still alone or just avoiding her. He took a deep breath and turned his attention back toward the surgery. "It's not something I'm particularly proud of," he mumbled.

Meredith felt the blood rushing toward her cheeks. She'd expected to be angrier about this, but instead, she felt like a gawker at a train wreck. Even if hers was the body trapped inside the wreckage, she'd already expended too much energy on other issues to feel more pain now.

"It lasted much longer than it ever should have," he said. "We were foolish for thinking we could keep things confined to the hospital, and we hurt a lot of people." He still wasn't looking at Meredith, and she felt like she was sitting on the opposite side of a confessional.

She swallowed hard and her heart thumped wildly against her sternum, beating in her ears. "Did you love her?" She wasn't sure if or why it mattered, but she needed to know his answer.

"Yes," he said without any hesitation.

She sensed that maybe he still did.

"How did it end?" She didn't think she'd ever get another opportunity to ask this of either one, and she needed to capitalize on the moment as much as possible.

Richard sighed. It seemed to be painful for him to talk about it, and Meredith almost felt guilty for taking advantage of his remorse. "When Ellis decided to leave Thatcher, she wanted me to leave Adele. I considered it for a while, but your mother was very driven – like I see in you with neuro. I always knew she'd put her career first, and I couldn't bring myself to hurt Adele. I knew your mom would be okay on her own, so I stayed."

Meredith nodded. Even as he talked about it now, she could hear the doubt and uncertainty in his voice. She wondered how different her life could have been if she'd been raised by Richard and her mom. What would it have been like to have a father figure? How different would those last few months in Seattle have been before they moved to Boston? An alternate version of her life flashed before her eyes, and she couldn't help but resent Richard for abandoning her mother.

She couldn't help but resent her mother for choosing her career over her and their hope for a family, either. Ellis had never been the type to find a balance between the two, and Meredith could never compete with the opportunity for a surgery.

Meredith stared down at the OR and watched Derek work meticulously to clear the blockages in her mother's basilar artery. He glanced up at her and lifted his eyebrow when he noticed the company she was in, but she did her best to smile reassuringly back.

"It's not something I'm proud of, and I'm sorry for any problems it caused you, Meredith." Richard folded his hands together and leaned forward. "You can't help who you love, and sometimes you can't help who you hurt."

"I know what you mean," Meredith said. It was one of the many lessons Derek had already taught her.

They watched more of the surgery, lost in quiet contemplation. Meredith couldn't believe that she'd extracted such a confession from the Chief, and her perception of him changed completely. He wasn't the threatening figurehead she'd built him up to be anymore. He'd made choices that somehow bound him into her personal life.

_I always knew she'd put her career first…_

Her mother had chosen her career over a man she'd loved, and she ended up alone. She'd wanted to delay exposure of their relationship until after her intern exams, but what if Derek wouldn't wait for her or was too hurt by her putting her career first? Could she live with herself knowing she'd had this amazing relationship that she'd walked away from? It was only a few more weeks, but still. She hated the idea of losing him even temporarily. She'd liked their previous arrangement and the built in delay before being open about things.

The thoughts ran through her brain, bouncing back and forth like ricocheting ping pong balls until she was too tired to process them anymore.

"I'm in a relationship," she blurted.

Confusion washed over Richard's face. "You're…" He folded his hands together and appeared more fatherly than bossy. "That's good. I'm happy for you."

Meredith blinked. She'd left out the most important part. "No, you're not happy. At least, you shouldn't be. It's with Dr. Shepherd."

The Chief-of-Surgery-Head-of-the-Whole-Freaking-Program façade returned. "Excuse me?"

"He wanted to tell you months ago. Months – that's how long it's been going on. Before he moved here and took the job and became my boss and told me about Addison, we had a thing." She could feel Richard staring at her. She just needed to keep talking. "And now it's complicated because he says gooey stuff about love and our future that makes me kinda want those things enough that here I am, babbling about our relationship and risking my ability to specialize in the field where he'd be supervising me." She exhaled what little breath was left after her rant, and the reality of what she'd said began to hit her. "I _really_ want to become a neurosurgeon. That part's not a Derek thing, just so you know. That part's always been there."

The Chief grunted. Meredith couldn't bring herself to look directly at him, but she could see him staring at the OR below in her peripheral vision. He didn't seem like he was getting ready to yell or storm out, but he didn't seem overjoyed either.

"Hospital policy says that he can't be your supervisor. That's not my policy, that's the Board," Richard stated.

Meredith instantly deflated like a balloon that hadn't been tied. She wished she'd thought this through more.

Of course he'd say that.

"But…" He hesitated as if looking for precise words. "You and Derek should come to my office tomorrow, and maybe we can talk through some alternate arrangement," he said. He placed his hands on his knees and pushed himself up out of the chair.

"Okay," Meredith said, dumbfounded.

"And as a family member of the patient, you shouldn't be in the gallery," Richard said sternly. "I'm not about to bend _all_ the rules for you."

Meredith glanced back at the OR and nodded. She knew the Chief was only half-serious in his order, but she wasn't about to push her luck. The surgery was wrapping up, and everything seemed to be under control. She gathered her things and followed Richard out the door.

Meredith walked to her mother's room. She knew Ellis would be in recovery for at least another hour before they brought her back to her hospital room, but Meredith thought it would be the best place to wait. She'd be undisturbed for a while, and she wanted time to herself to consider the magnitude of the day's events. A padded chair in the corner of the room looked like the best possible waiting place, so she moved it out closer to the empty bed and folded into it so she was sitting sideways with her legs bent and feet up on the chair with her. She hugged her knees into her chest and rested her forehead against them. Exhaustion weighed heavily on her, and before long, she was lost in sleep.

When Meredith woke up, she was surrounded by the quiet hum of monitors, and a blanket was draped over her. Her mother was back in the room, and she couldn't believe she'd managed to sleep through that transition. She must have been more tired than she thought. A dim light shone in the corner of the room, and Derek was sitting there with a mound of paperwork in his lap. Despite his exhaustion, he continued to work, and he didn't seem to notice that she was awake. It couldn't have been the most comfortable place to be working, and his presence surprised her.

Meredith pulled the blanket tightly around her and shifted in the chair. "Hey," she whispered.

Derek looked up from his papers and smiled. "Hi," he whispered back. He shuffled the paperwork out of his lap and onto a nearby cart. "I don't know how you managed to sleep in a chair like that. How's your back?"

Meredith shrugged. "It's fine," she said. In reality, she was tense and stiff from the awkward position she'd been sleeping in, but she didn't want him to worry. "I'm flexible," she said.

"I know," he answered. A suggestive grin spread across his lips but soon evaporated.

"How is she?" Meredith asked as she turned her attention back to her mother. Many of the same monitors from the OR were still in place, and it was hard to see her mother like that. She'd become so frail in the last year as it was. The army of machines only made her more Lilliputian.

Derek stood up and carefully carried his chair beside Meredith's. "She's fine," he said. "Everything is within expected limits." He sat back down beside her and sighed. "I'll need to monitor her for the next 24 hours and make sure the stents hold, but I think she'll be okay."

Meredith frowned. If everything was normal, why was he hovering? Why had he camped out in her mother's room like that? Was it for her? Her mother? She had to ask.

"If she's okay, then why are you here?" It came out sounding harsher than she'd intended. She loved that he was there when she woke up, keeping vigil over her mother.

Derek winced and his expression was flooded with sadness all over again. "I told you I wasn't going anywhere," he explained. His voice was gravelly and full of emotions she couldn't entirely pinpoint. Anger? Hurt? Defiance?

Meredith softened. She couldn't continue to provoke him. "Thanks," she said. "It's nice to have you here. You really don't have to stay, but I'm glad you did." She reached over and ran her fingers over his arm. His skin was cool to the touch, but it had an underlying sense of warmth that Meredith longed for.

"Of course," he whispered. He was still tentative in his words and behaviors. "Look, I'm…I'm sorry about before – in the supply closet. I was angry, but I shouldn't have insisted…To put you in that situation when you were already stressed."

"It doesn't matter," Meredith said, shrugging.

"Of course it matters—"

"No, I mean... yeah, it sucked, but it doesn't matter because I already talked to the Chief."

Derek's eyes nearly sprang from their sockets. "You did?" he stammered.

"I think so," Meredith said. She could feel blood burning her cheeks as she blushed. "To be honest, I'm not entirely sure what I said exactly, but we're supposed to meet in his office tomorrow to figure out the logistics of all this."

"You went to Richard?" Derek asked, still disbelieving.

Meredith giggled uncomfortably. "Yeah, I did."

He drew her closer to him, and the corners of his eyes crinkled, highlighting the deep blue of his eyes. "Meredith," he whispered. His breath was warm and damp against her ear.

She smiled and turned until her lips met his and kissed him like a long lost lover who'd been separated from her for years, not hours. She hadn't known how much she needed his touch until she found herself lost in it once again. It still wouldn't be easy to face the Chief or Bailey or her peers, and she knew they'd be dealt professional challenges as a result, but no matter what road this decision set her on, she'd endure however many the miles it took to make things work.

Derek pulled away first, but he continued to run his fingers through her hair and along her cheek. "Are you okay with this?" he asked.

Meredith nodded, and his fingers tickled the side of her face as her head moved. Having all of her secrets exposed left her feeling liberated. It was exhilarating.

Derek turned in his chair and wrapped his arm around Meredith, hugging her toward him as they watched over her mother. If anyone were to walk in, there would be no mistaking the fact that they were together, but it didn't matter anymore.

Sunrise was only a few hours away. Meredith and Derek sat together in silence, knowing that when the sun streamed through the windows and glowed reddish-orange over the bridge at Seattle Grace, they would step out of the shadows and walk across to the Chief's office.

Together.


End file.
